Very Bad Things
May 30th, 2004- A 5 year old boy
So Mom, here's how it went down.
I met her at Golden Gate Park one weekend. I was just chilling near the Conservatory of Flowers, reading a book. She came over and sat down next to me. I looked up and smiled at her; she smiled back.
That was my cue to start talking to her. So we talked for a bit. Her name is Mary. She's got the cutest dimples when she smiles. After half an hour or so, I suggested a walk. We got up and headed over to the Japanese Tea Garden.
We talked for the entire day. After wandering around the Garden aimlessly, we exited to find a more secluded spot. In her backpack she had a bottle of Charles Shaw wine; she had been to Trader Joe's that morning.
We broke open the wine and sat on the grass. We drank perhaps a bit much, a bit fast. Being a bit tipsy, I leaned over and, well, kissed her. She kissed back. Then one thing led to another, and…
Well, so that was several weeks ago. Last week she called me up and said she gave herself a test. One of those, you know, pee-in-a-cup home tests. ClearBlue Easy, I think it was. She dipped the test paper into it and a little plus sign showed up.
Now before you go crazy, don't worry, I would never have a kid out of wedlock. You raised me right; I know what must be done in situations like this.
So this weekend, we flew down to Las Vegas and jumped into the Garden of Love Wedding Chapel. We went for the really cheap package, the $40 one. It was quick and easy. I had my digital camera with me, so the pastor took a few pictures of us. I'll send them to you later.
I had some wine at the wedding too. Maybe a bit too much. I guess we both like wine a lot. So while I was driving our Hertz rental car back to our motel room, I kind of hit someone.
He just jumped out of nowhere. I wasn't ready for him. He was a homeless guy who was running across the street. I hit him squarely in the legs. He bounced off my hood and fell to the side. It was a horrible sound; I think I even heard his bones crack.
The Las Vegas Police Department got me for DWI. Plus, I had forgotten my driver's license in our motel room. I was wearing a suit and in the rush to make our wedding appointment, forgot to grab my wallet. It's still sitting on the nightstand near our bed.
So I'm in jail right now and I need bail money. Mary's family doesn't have much money. They're back in Nigeria, Africa. She doesn't speak that much English and kind of freaked out when the police came. So I can't ask her for bail money.
Plus, when I say she freaked out, I mean she ran away. I don't know where she is right now. The police are still looking for her. She's a very fast runner and sprinted away from the scene. So I'm alone here in jail right now.
I already spent my one free phone call on 1-800-A-LAWYER. They weren't much help. So I can't call you right now; you'll have to call me. Please wire me $1000 too.
Oh, and I also made an illegal u-turn last week and got fined $183.
Okay, that was a lie. That's not true. I didn't drive while drunk. Or hit a homeless guy. Or get married. Or get a girl pregnant. Or meet a girl named Mary. All of that is not true.
Except for the illegal u-turn part. That part is true.
But when you look at it in perspective of what else could have happened, that's not so bad, is it? Is it?
Have you ever told a tall tale?
