Oh, how can I kiss thee? Let me count the ways…

The Sloppy Kiss
I can slap your lips and cheeks with my tongue, draping it everywhere until your face is a dripping mess of saliva. Extra points for long strands dangling from your chin.
The Over-Enthusiastic Kiss
I can hungrily chop at your mouth like you're a delicious meal and I haven't eaten in months. Though you may not expect it, I won't care because, hey, I'm hungry.
The Timid Kiss
I can peck you on the corner of your lips. You may not feel anything, but if you do, it may remind you of a baby deer sniffing your face before dashing off into the woods.
The Dead Fish Kiss
I can stand there with my mouth open, attracting flies and hopefully your lips too. Even if you come in for a deep kiss, my tongue will just lie there, limp and lifeless like a dead fish.
The Sealed Tomb Kiss
I can squeeze my lips together tighter than a juvenile virgin's ass in prison. You won't be able to penetrate, no matter how hard you try.
The All Tongue Kiss
I can protrude my tongue and wrestle your tongue with my tongue. We can stand back at a safe distance with our lips far apart and watch our two moist wrestlers battle it out.
The Snake Tongue Kiss
I can rapidly dart my tongue in and out of your mouth, as if I'm smelling your breath with my tongue. It may feel funny, sort of like a wet, indecisive intruder.
The Lip Kiss
I can kiss and nibble just one of your lips. Maybe your upper lip, maybe your lower lip, you won't know which until I actually do it. I like to mix it up to keep you on your toes.
The Deep Throat Kiss
I can launch my tongue deep into the crevices of your mouth, practically gagging you with my Gene Simmons tongue. I can even tell whether or not you still have your tonsils.
The Vacuum Cleaner Kiss
I can form a suction around your lips and suck in deeply, drawing the breath from your lungs. This way, I can literally take your breath away.
The Bite Kiss
I can bite down on your lips. It won't be just a friendly nibble either; it'll be a toothy chomp, as if I'm a vampire here to suck your blood. I could also bite your neck too, for full effect.
The Dentist Kiss
I can drill down on your teeth with my tongue. Though you won't feel much because enamel doesn't have nerves, you'll leave with fewer cavities and cleaner teeth.
The Tooth Smash Kiss
I can smash my teeth into your teeth. The crunching impact will be shocking, maybe even painful, but if you make sure your lips aren't in the way, we can minimize the pain.
The Poor Aim Kiss
I can miss your lips and catch just the corner of your mouth. Or your cheeks. Or the wall behind you. Just like my aim at the toilet bowl at night, I can miss horribly.
The Open-Eyed Kiss
I can kiss you with my eyes spookily open. If you peek at me, you'll see me staring wide-eyed in wonder. Perhaps I'll study the way your eyebrows almost form a uni-brow.
The Distracted Kiss
I can kiss you, then look at my watch or read a book behind your back. If there is a game on TV, that's even better, because then I can cheer when my team scores and scream into your mouth.
The Giggly Kiss
I can giggle and chuckle as we kiss. The more passionate you are, the harder I'll laugh. I might even spill some saliva on your shirt because I'm laughing so much.
The Bad Breath Kiss
I can eat lots of onions and garlic and other nasty-smelling food before I kiss you. If my breath is bad enough, it'll seem like you're making out with a septic tank.
The Out-of-Breath Kiss
I can pant like a dog while kissing you. Every few seconds I'll gasp for fresh air. I'll pop open my mouth to suck in oxygen as if I'm drowning underwater.
The Noisy Kiss
I can make lots of moaning and smacking noises. My moans can intensify as our kiss does, shaking the walls with our lip lock. Extra points if the neighbors complain of the noise.
The Spiderman Kiss
I can hang upside-down and kiss you, so our noses don't mash together. This requires some dexterity and skill though. Plus, our tongues won't be totally coordinated.
The Just Barely Reaching Kiss
I can stand away from you, stretch my neck out, and juuust barely reach your lips. Maybe they'll just brush each other. Maybe the tips of our tongues will kinda sorta meet. But that will be it.
The Jailhouse Kiss
I can stand behind some bars and kiss you. In between our bodies will be cold, hard bars of steel that we can reach around in desperate agony, right before the guards come and drag us apart.
The Ice-Tongue Kiss
I can stick my tongue in some ice, then kiss you. You'll get a mouth full of frosty tongue meat. Yea. You know you like it. Maybe I can add a little olive oil on my lips too…
The Muzzle Kiss
I can open my mouth wide and surround your lips with mine. My lips won't actually touch yours. In fact, they will envelope your entire mouth with such totality that you won't be able to speak or shout for help.
The Hero's Kiss
I can hold onto your back and dip you in a dramatic fashion, as if I'm a war hero in a sailor's uniform. You can even pretend to be a nurse too. I'll dip you back, as far back as I can go, and plant a big wet sloppy on you with such passion that your body will go numb.
The Eskimo Kiss
I can rub my nose on your nose back and forth gently. No lips, no tongue, just noses.
The Perfect Kiss
I can kiss you because I love you.