Every so often, I'll grab a beer, lean back into my couch, and observe the world around me. If I observe long enough, I begin to see patterns. My mind, spiked by the beer, will then formulate complex and perspicacious theories, because, as we all know, beer is known to spurn complex and perspicacious thoughts in people.

I would now like to share some of my beer-inspired complex and perspicacious theories, as an effort to show you how harmful the effects of alcoholism can be.

(For those who missed it, the sarcasm train just rolled by.)

These first two have been covered in previous rambles. The last two are brand new.

The Electromagnetic-Spirit Theory

Our brains are basically electromagnetic impulses, right? Well, what if these electromagnetic impulses were coherent enough to exist without neurons? What if these impulses could maintain a semi-conscious state after the body died?

Perhaps ghosts are essentially the electromagnetic impulses of a person whose body has died. These impulses are strong enough to maintain a faint but visible form.

Perhaps their thoughts aren't fully conscious or rational; perhaps their thoughts are slightly crazed, like a person in shock.

This "shell-shock" phenomenon could be why these ghosts will repeat their last actions over and over again. They haven't yet grasped the fact that their bodies have died.

The Sleep-Deprived Worker Theory

Technology that was supposed to make our lives easier has only forced us to work more. Instead of having more free time, we now work more hours than ever.

The workers of the American and Asian "rat races" are sleep-deprived. Not many people get a standard eight hours of sleep anymore.

The workers in Europe it better; they have siestas. They have realized the importance of afternoon naps. Right after lunch, they shut down and take a snooze. Then they wake up and go back to work again, refreshed and renewed.

The sleep-deprived workers are slowly burning themselves out. Work has become more important than anything else. Family has taken a back seat.

This lack of sleep is contorting our minds and our priorities. Our society could be next.

The Hero Theory

Hey ladies, ever notice how your boyfriend always wants to solve all of your problems?

You'll talk to him about your day, complaining about how your supervisor is a jerk or how your parents are giving you a hard time. All you want to do is to get these problems off your chest; all you want is someone who will just sit there and listen to you.

And what does your boyfriend do? If he's not watching TV, he'll lay out an action plan for you, telling you exactly what you need to do to solve your problems.

You don't like that, do you? You want to say to him, "Shut up. I just want you to listen to me."

But you don't because you don't want to hurt his feelings. Or maybe you do, and then you get into an argument.

Do you want to know why he does that?

Well, ladies, here's why. Your boyfriend wants to be your hero. He wants to be the most important person in your world; he wants to be the man who can solve all of your problems, your knight in shining armor.

Sweet, isn't that? Sure it is. But if you need a shoulder to lean on more than a Superman, then tell him ahead of time that you just want to talk. Let him know that you just want to complain for the sake of complaining.

Hopefully, he'll understand and you won't have to take out the Kryptonite in order to have a simple conversation.

The Ice Cream Theory

Some believe that there's only one "right" person for them out there.

But how do you define "right"? What makes one person more "right" than another?

There may be several people out there who are compatible with you. Each is "right" for you in different ways and degrees.

Think of it like different flavors of ice cream. You may have a favorite flavor, but there are many other flavors that you really enjoy too. Each is "right" for you in different ways.

Chocolate may rank high on your list. But Rocky Road is damn good too because of its nutty and marshmellowy goodness.

You can choose one of these flavors to be the only flavor you'll eat for the rest of your life. But which one do you choose?

Some get lucky and find their favorite flavor early on in the taste test. Some have to try out different flavors before knowing which one they like the best.

And still others may get bored with their choice and want a sample of other flavors.

The key here is that there isn't just one flavor that you'll like; there are many different flavors that you'll like in varying ways and degrees.

Same with people. You'll encounter many people who may be "right" for you in some way. There's no one "right" person for you, just varying degrees of "rightness" among the many people that you'll meet.

. . .

What do you think of these theories?