I think I just created a super-breed of ants.

Last winter, a colony of ants appeared in my bathroom. They popped up overnight without warning. I just walked in there one day, and everywhere around me is a deluge of tiny black specks walking around.

(For your information, I keep my bathroom pretty darn clean, so no dirty bathroom jokes please.)

I once found Lysol Disinfectant Antibacterial Kitchen Cleaner to be oddly effective in killing bugs. So I grabbed my bottle and squirted the hell out of the ants.

Their tiny little bodies writhed in agony as they screamed, "Oh, the humanity! Oh, the humanity!" (Or would it be, "Oh, the antity! Oh, the antity!"?)

They all stopped in their tracks and died in a sheath of disinfectant. I was victorious!

I wiped them all up and was pleased that I was getting double-duty out of this (not only did I kill the ants, but my bathroom just got disinfected again too).

And that was the last I saw of them.

Until now.

Seems they're back. Not in the numbers as before. They're sending out a few reluctant scouts this time, meandering here and there, looking for whatever it is they look for.

So I grabbed my handy disinfectant and sprayed them again.

And the little ants giggled and danced in the disinfectant rain. "Hee hee hee! That was fun! Spray me again!" the tiny bastards shouted.

Oh no. A super-breed of ants. Natural selection at work.

I went to the local shopping center to look for some ant poison. But as I read the labels, I thought, "Do I really want to create an even stronger breed of ants? My ants are disinfectant-immune. But next year, they could be poison-immune too. Oh, the humanity!"

Defeated, I returned to the bathroom and slumped onto the toilet bowl to ponder my situation. The toilet bowl is amazing for ponderances. You should all try it. It's great.

As I pondered, I noticed a tiny spider in the corner of my bathroom. It must have just moved in. Below it on the floor was a tiny, shriveled up dead ant body.

I grinned. Then, as I felt myself revert back to ten years old, I grabbed another wandering ant and threw him into the spider's web. I sat there, fascinated, as the spider wound the itty bitty ant body up and sucked out his juices.

It was a terrific show. I used to kill all of the spiders in my place, but now I give them a little more leeway. And now, I feed these pet spiders of mine whenever I can.

But you know what? This didn't really solve my ant problem. It cut down on the population of scouting ants, and more and more tiny, shriveled up dead ant bodies appeared on the floor. But there still were ants.

And with my luck, these ants were going to mutate into a spider-eating super-breed.

So I looked elsewhere for solutions. And one Sunday afternoon, an infomercial came on about household tips and tricks, like how to use pantyhose to store onions and other techniques you'd never dream of, even with heroin.

One of the tips was using chalk to stop ants. Supposedly ants can't walk over chalk. The talcum powder interferes with their antennae or something scientific like that.

So armed with chalk, I covered all of the little ant holes and cracks I could find in my bathroom.

And by golly, it's been working! Woo hoo! With the combination of spiders and chalk, I haven't had to deal with stray ants all week!

So I've finally been able to foil my super-breed of ants! (That is, until they mutate wings and start flying above the chalk to eat the spiders, which should happen around the spring of next year…)

. . .

Does your apartment have an ant problem?