The Science of Love: Controlling Love
February 24th, 2008Whenever people read about the science of love, it usually leads to one of two conclusions:
- If love is just a series of chemicals, how can I control it? Is love out of my control?
- If love is just a series of chemicals, can injections change how I feel? Can I make someone fall in love with me?
Great questions. So what do the scientists, who've explained away love, think?
Is Love Out of My Control?
Fortunately, the answer is: No.
You have more control over your feelings than you think. In the book Social Intelligence by Daniel Goleman, Ph.D., he abstracts the brain's interpretation of the senses into two routes, a "low road" and a "high road."
The low road is lightning fast and operates beneath our awareness, such as instincts, gut feelings, and primal drives. The high road, in contrast, is slower and runs through neural systems that analyze, rationalize, and make meaning of the world around us. In reality, the brain is much more complex than this, but for our purposes, this abstraction will work.
The stew of chemicals, hormones, and neurotransmitters that twirl in the science of love operate on the low road. They drive your primal urges. Fortunately, we all have a conscience (well, most of us anyways) that can steer the stew if necessary. That's where second-guessing comes is; every time you've changed your mind about a gut feeling, you're experiencing the high road countering the low road.
But it's still not possible to make yourself or someone else fall in love, right?
Well, yes and no. If the propensity is there, then it is possible to amplify the feelings. If there is a cavern of chemistry between you and the other person, then not even Cupid's arrows can help you.
How can the feelings of love be amplified? By non-verbal physical communication, such as your smile, your eyes, and your overall body language.
Your Smile
Smile. Right now, while you're sitting there, smile.
If I had a portable MRI strapped to your noggin, I would have seen your pleasure centers light up. The very act of smiling can actually make you happier.
If another person smiles at you, they can trigger the same chemical reactions. That's why being around positive people can make you happier (and negative people can make you gloomier). Known as "emotional contagion," emotions have been found to be contagious and can be transmitted like airborne diseases.
Your Eyes
Look into my eyes. Look deep, for they are windows to my soul.
New York psychologist and professor Arthur Arun, Ph.D. discovered that the simple act of staring into each other's eyes can spark strong feelings of attraction. In an experiment, he asked two complete strangers to reveal intimate details about their lives for more than an hour. Then he asked them to stare into each other's eyes silently for four whole minutes. Like a staring contest, sort of. Sounds awkward, huh?
After the experiment, many of the participants confessed to feelings of deep attraction to their partners. Two of his subjects even started to date and eventually got married!
Overall Body Language
How important is a first impression? Not to put any pressure on you, but it can make or break your ability to score a date.
The low road of your brain takes anywhere between ninety seconds to four minutes to decide if there is a chemical attraction. And the deciding factors are more than the strength of your pick-up lines too. The deciding factors are:
- 55% through body language
- 38% through the ton and speed of your voice
- 7% through what you say
This means the way you carry yourself, the way you sit, the way you walk, the way you slouch, the way you stand up straight… All of those things factor in to the initial spark of attraction. Of course, the high road can come in and override many of these factors later, but this is what makes "lust" at first sight.
Can I Make Someone Fall in Love with Me?
Fortunately, the answer is: No.
Within the body, love can be interpreted as a series of chemical reactions. But then again, so can walking, eating, laughing, and pooping.
Humor, for instance, can be explained by chemicals. Does that mean we can make a joke funnier with injections? Well, maybe with laughing gas, or alcohol, or itching powder… but otherwise, no.
Along the high road of the brain, many other factors also play a part in falling in love. Culture, society, beliefs, values, even past experiences play a part. Who we've dated in the past shapes who we'll date in the future. Some people are also more apt to listen to the high road than the low road.
This doesn't stop corporations from trying, however. The perfume industry has been trying for years to manufacture love in a bottle. They dissect and analyze pheromones with ferocity. If there's a way to make someone fall in love with a scent, they'll find it.
Some scientists have also been looking for love potions, not just to fall in love, but to fall out of love. Why?
In her research, anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher found that the three stages of love (lust, attraction, and attachment) are not mutually-exclusive; they can all happen simultaneously. That means Jim the office perv could be lusting after your ass, be falling in love with that new girl in marketing, and be married with kids. Sadly, as Fisher says, "We were not built to be happy but to reproduce."
So can chemicals "cure" this kind of behavior? The drop of serotonin levels during the attraction phase closely mirrors OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder), anxiety, and depression. Since serotonin-increasing drugs such as Prozac are used to deal with OCD, anxiety, and depression, it's not a stretch to wonder if Prozac can be applied to kick someone out of the attraction phase too.
To that end, early tests have shown that yes, drugs like Prozac may numb romantic feelings in some people—if the feelings aren't very strong yet. But once the feelings take root, they are very difficult to uproot. These findings are very inconclusive, scientists are quick to warn, and the brain is still full of mysteries.
Just like love is still a mystery.
Scientists have sought to explain it, to pick and probe at it, and to even recreate or destroy it. But so far, all they've gotten is a series of chemicals. What they've discovered is great information, but it shouldn't be used as a guide for explaining your feelings.
While a geek like me is fascinated by these biological details, at the end of the day, I think it's best to let poets and lyricists explain love.
I love your lips when they're red with wine
And red with a wild desire;
I love your eyes when the lovelight lies
Lit with a passionate fire.
I love your arms when the strands enmesh
Your kisses against my face.Not for me the cold, calm kiss
Of a virgin's bloodless love;
Not for me the saint's white bliss,
Nor the heart of a spotless dove.
But give me the love that so freely gives
And laughs at the whole world's blame,
With your body so young and warm in my arms,
It set my poor heart aflame.So kiss me sweet with your warm wet mouth,
Still fragrant with ruby wine,
And say with a fervor born of the South
That your body and soul are mine.
Clasp me close in your warm young arms,
While the pale stars shine above,
And we'll live our whole young lives away
In the joys of a living love.- Ella Wheeler Wilcox
How would you describe love?
February 24th, 2008 at 12:34 pm
I hope you enjoyed this two-parter! The first part was, "The Science of Love: Chemicals and Romance".
February 25th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
I see you spent a lot of time describing the sense of sight, and rightly so since it is probably one of the more important senses in this context.
In your last article, you mentioned something about smell and immune system, but not so much about the sense of smell in this article. I do think this is an important sense as well as it is closely tied to areas of the brain that handles memory.
Here's a good basic site about it:
http://www.macalester.edu/psychology/whathap/UBNRP/Smell/memory.html
So now, you have more variables in this equation… pheromones, perfume/cologne, and things outside of your control - aroma of the surrounding, etc. All these different 'flavors' can trigger memories - happy and sad.
With memories, then you're starting to talk about psychology. There's gotta be some sort of subconscious factors at play here that can put the person in question into a 'yay' or 'nay' category.
Picture this… you take your date out to some countryside on a nice warm sunny day, maybe in the high 60s (yes, that's warm for some parts of the country), nice intermittent breeze. You have groomed yourself, picked out a nice comfortable, yet sophisticated outfit. You took a nice shower, and have dabbed yourself with a very light touch of your favorite perfume. You’re sitting underneath a tree, with the leaves rustling with each passing of the wind. You have cheese, wine and chocolate which bring out aromatic flavors that heighten the senses…
Then the wind changes direction and it now brings the aroma of the farm that is next to where you are at… farm that has lot of cows which eat a lot of grass… and poop a lot.
…poop that triggers the memory of the last time you were walking on the street with this girl you liked, but then you accidentally stepped on dog poop. And every time you smell poop, you think of this chick that went crazy on you and threw all your crap out on the street.
February 26th, 2008 at 9:28 am
Good point Eric! And, um, thanks for that, uh, colorful story, I think. Is this something from your personal experiences? hehe…
May 21st, 2008 at 7:10 pm
This is really interesting info on the "science of love" - i think many people wish for a magic love potion…it all really is a mystery how it all works and why it exists…that's pretty much why I chose the title of my site to be what it is!