Mike Lee.org - Weekly Random Rambles, Musings & Writings of Mike Lee

Ah yes, that ever-illusive activity, as exasperating as it is exhilarating. Both loved and loathed, dreaded and desired. Like a wish whispered under a full moon's light.

I speak of dating, of course. That favorite ritual of guys and dolls. What fun!

There are rules, of course. There are always rules. These come from years of agonizing personal experience and stories related to me from wiser minds. They only apply a snapshot: the coastal metropolitans of the United States in the beginning of the second millennium. Any further than that, and I'm afraid I'm as helpful as a pet monkey in chemistry class.

Getting the Date

For Men

It's pretty simple. Ask her out.

Sure, she could say "No." But then, all she did was say "No." She didn't pull out a knife and cleave off your toes, right? It may feel like she pulled out a knife and cleaved out your heart, but if you never ask her out, you'll have a million shards piercing your heart for every day you pass her by.

Generally, a "No" is a "No," though some men use this as an invitation for persistence, and often with mixed results. If you're in doubt, a "No" is a "No." Use your discretion otherwise. A man is being persistent if the woman has some interest in him; he's a stalker if she does not.

Not asking her out could put you on her friends list. Once you're on her friends list, it's not easy to get off. Women think of male friends as great buddies that can provide solace or advice on the male mind. But nothing more. If you like her, avoid her friends list.

Occasionally, a woman will ask you out. That's perfectly acceptable nowadays, though not everyone shares this belief. Just because it is acceptable doesn't mean you can use it as an excuse, however. If you sit on your ass waiting for her to ask you out, then your ass is going to get sore and her ass is moving on.

For Women

It really is just as simple for women, though it's not yet a universal belief or practice. Ask him out.

Otherwise, the name of the game is leaving breadcrumbs. That means leading him to ask you out. Yes, I called this a game because you are now in the domain of ambiguous signs. Does he like me or doesn't he? Can't he tell that I like him? The interpretive dance of leaving breadcrumbs can be a frustrating one. As long as you realize this, and are set on taking this path, there are techniques to improve the reliability of your signs.

Smile when you see him. Study his eyes. Ask him questions. Men love talking about themselves. Touch him on the arm, back, or leg. Physical contact adds a "lets be more than just friends" intimacy.

Then leave him some opportunities for asking you out. Tell him about a great new restaurant you've been meaning to try. Or how you've always wanted to see that new art exhibit or take a walk by that crystal-clear lake. Leave him a breadcrumb trail to the words, "Want to go out with me?"

But beware of his friends list. If hanging out with you is just as entertaining as his guy buddies, you'll be just another one of his buddies. He may not want to lose your friendship over something as tumultuous as, oh, a romantic relationship. If you like him, avoid his friends list.

Unfortunately for women, asking someone out on a date is much easier for a man. Especially in terms of being turned down. The worst she can say is "No," leaving the man sure of how she feels. Not so for women trying to leave breadcrumbs. You'll have to contend with guesses, second-guesses, and all of your girlfriends' guesses. But the answer is simple. If you've left ample breadcrumbs and he hasn't asked you out, then his ass isn't interested. So forget the ass and move on.

Preparing for the First Date

For Men

The first date isn't like a spontaneous night with your drinking buddies. You have to plan it with care. The date should allow an opportunity for conversation and match your mutual interests. If you both love rock climbing, go climb a beautiful mountain. If you're not entirely sure of her interests, a coffee or dinner is a safe choice. A coffee is a low-cost, low-effort way to meet someone new. If there is no chemistry, it can be a quick coffee. If there is chemistry, it can be followed up by a dinner.

Find out which cuisines whet her appetite, or at least which ones don't. That will help narrow your restaurant choices down. Make a reservation so you can guarantee a table. It's generally safer to select a familiar place that you know to be quiet enough for conversation and dim enough for mystery. But don't go so often that the staff is taking bets on how long this new relationship will last.

Plan for a possible after-meal activity. No, I don't mean that; never expect anything more than a hug after a first date. Take her for a casual stroll through a park or shop-lined street if the conversation is lively enough that ending it would be too cruel. Or take her ice skating, ceramic painting, or even bowling if that suits you both better. Keep this in mind when selecting a restaurant, so you don't have to go across town after dinner.

Dress comfortably and handsomely. Since you may be nervous, put on clothes that make you feel confident and at ease. Dress for the occasion. Don't wear a suit & tie if you're going rock climbing and don't wear a t-shirt & shorts if you're going to the opera. If you're still unsure, dress one notch better than the usual patrons of your destination.

Though it should be obvious: practice good hygiene. Brush your teeth. Comb your hair. Wash your face. Put on deodorant. Consider bringing breath mints. And avoid foods that may produce gastric gases before and during the date.

For Women

Safety should be the primary concern. Carry a fully-charged mobile phone set on vibrate. Inform at least one friend about your date. If you know very little about the guy, consider choosing a time at which your friend will call you. Select a moment when the date may reasonably end. If the date is a bore, this can be your rescue call. If the date has concluded, this can be your gossip call. If the date is electrifying, tell your friend to call back later.

Meet him at the destination. Don't have him pick you up for a first date, as your address should be reserved for people you've confirmed are good. He may ask which part of town you're in; this is fine, just don't give him any more than that for now. This is also for safety reasons. Why invite a potential stalker to your place, right?

Dress comfortably and cute. Wear something that will make you feel confident and at ease. If the evening weather may be chilly, bring a jacket or warm covering. Don't assume the guy will have a jacket to offer, or will offer it should he have one. If you're going hiking, don't wear high heels. If you're going to the opera, don't wear sandals. Dress appropriately for the occasion. If you're still unsure, again, one notch above the rest is a safe choice.

Good hygiene is important for both sexes. However, don't overdo the make-up. Apply what you normally would, even if that is none at all. If you wear jewelry, consider one especially sparkling piece, not multiple pieces. As with your clothing, put on enough to make you feel confident and at ease. Men are attracted to alluring scents, but don't overdo your perfume, for too much can offend the senses.

On the First Date

For Men

Be on time or earlier if possible. Call if you're going to be late.

When she arrives, greet her warmly with a gentle hug. Some prefer a handshake, though this can seem too formal a gesture. Take note of how she looks. She may have put a lot of effort into looking nice for you; the least you can do is notice it. Compliment her endearingly, particularly on her accessories. Maybe her earrings are stirring or her necklace is charming. If you're at a lack of words, at least say, "You look great!"

Old-world chivalry like opening doors, holding out chairs, and helping her remove & put on her coat isn't as necessary anymore. But they can score you extra points where other men fail. Though it's not common, there are some women who may take offense to these behaviors. As a default, be attentive and practice common decency, but don't worry yourself over exorbitant displays of chivalry.

Ask her questions. Women love talking about themselves. Listen. Enjoy her company. Delight in her fancies. This is why you asked her out, right?

Don't tell her your life story. Let the conversation grow like a flower, leaning where the wind takes it. Reveal snapshots of yourself, but not the full picture. This is a date, not a confessional. Don't be judgmental. Keep an open mind. Don't talk about previous relationships. If she frequently discusses her ex-boyfriend, it could mean there's still a flame of desire for him. And vice versa. Don't lie. If you start a potential relationship with a lie, it will starve for integrity.

Have fun. Be yourself. You're on a date because you want to discover if there's mutual interest, right? If you act like someone else, and she likes that someone else, then how are you going to find out if she likes, you know, you?

If the date isn't going well, finish out your activities, then conclude it amiably. Be honest about your feelings. Don't pummel her with a list of faults, but don't mislead her into thinking that you'll call either.

If the date is going well, suggest the after-meal activity you planned earlier. It's not necessarily a negative sign if she turns you down; she may be genuinely tired.

Pay for the dinner. Though this practice is debated by some, err on the side of paying. Use your discretion if she strongly urges to split the bill. But if in doubt, pay for the dinner.

End the date with a warm hug. A kiss on the cheek is also acceptable if she seems willing and the chemistry has been bubbling.

For Women

Be on time. Call if you're going to be late. Greet him warmly with a gentle hug. Smile and accept any compliments he may give you.

Ask him questions. Men love talking about themselves. Listen. Enjoy his company. Find out interesting things about him. Some argue that you should laugh at his lame jokes; you may out of politeness, since he may be trying to impress you with jokes he normally wouldn't say. But if you genuinely don't like his humor, laughing at his jokes will only positively reinforce them.

Don't tell him your life story. Let him savor bits of you. Small desserts always leave a person wanting more. Don't be judgmental. Keep an open mind. Don't talk about previous relationships. Don't talk about your desire for family or children (if such is the case). The first date is not the opportunity to bring up these topics. Don't drink more alcohol than you can safely handle. Don't go past the point of sobriety. Don't lie. Lies, even innocent lies, are holes in a relationship. Too many of them will sink it.

Have fun. Be yourself. Enjoy the electricity if you feel it in the air. Be polite and respectful if you don't. If he asked you out, he's probably nervous and trying hard to impress you. Thus, you are the lead in this dance.

If the date isn't going well, finish out your activities and conclude it amiably. Don't give him the false hope that you want to see him again, but don't criticize him either. Be gentle. You know, he tried.

If your friend makes her check-up call, don't answer it in front of the guy. Excuse yourself to the restroom discreetly. Some men are aware of this technique and will use your reaction to the call as a gauge of your interest.

Offer to pay for the dinner. If he refuses your payment, offer to pay the tip. If he still refuses your payment, accept his gesture graciously. Some believe that the bill should be split evenly, especially on a bad date. Use your discretion, as some men may take offense at splitting the bill.

End the date with a warm hug. If you felt that extra-special sparkle, give him a kiss on the cheek. Then smile, and say "Good night."

After the First Date

For Men

Assuming the date went well, call her the next day if you want to. Despite common knowledge, there is no minimum waiting period before you can call. There is a maximum, however. This differs from woman to woman, though it's generally five-to-seven days. If you wait too long, you've lost her. Too long means you're either too busy for her (bad), seeing other women (bad), are not so sure you're interested (bad), or are not interested at all (obviously bad). Text messaging doesn't count as a call.

If the date did not go well, stay positive. Dating isn't easy. Rejections in dating are as inevitable as pimples in adolescence. Just don't let them deter you from the delights of meeting interesting women, and possibly more.

For Women

Many men are selfishly weak when it comes to turning down a woman. Even if he assured you that he would call, it is still difficult to know for certain. If he doesn't call for about a week, he could be too busy for you, seeing other women, am not sure he's interested, or is sure he's not interested at all. None of those situations are desirable.

When he calls, answer. Some women believe that answering immediately is a sign of desperation; they instead argue that his call should only be returned after one or two messages. Use your judgment here, as some men may take that practice as a sign of rejection.

If the date did not go well, stay positive. Dating isn't easy. You may have to kiss many frogs before you find a prince. Even though not every date will end with a fairy tale, enjoy the company of all these suitors. It's hard for many men to find this courage; at least they felt you were worth their affections and tried to impress you.

The Golden Rule

But if you really want to know the most important rule of dating, for both men and women, it's this:

Screw all the rules and just be yourself.

There are as many exceptions as there are people with the last name Lee. Read: a heck of a lot. So take these rules as mere guidelines. If you're lost and unsure of the next step, perhaps these can help. They are basically beacons in the dark fog of dating.

And know this: you will not find your prince or princess by following a set of rules, but you will by following your heart.

What are your rules for dating?