"Kim is a total bitch."

Lisa looked shocked. "What? Why?"

"Because," I paused and cleared my throat, "she's annoying, spoiled, self-centered, manipulative, condescending, air-headed, and, well, a total bitch."

Lisa shriveled her lips. "She's just very emotional. You would be too if you'd been kidnapped, watched her friend get hit by a car, and come close to being killed."

"So what? So did Jack's wife. And she was pretty cool-headed, even if she did get amnesia."

Lisa took a sip of her espresso. "Did you get to season two yet?"

I nodded emphatically. "Yea. I just finished it. As soon as I started the first episode, I wasn't able to stop. Holy shit that show is like crack."

"I told you. You should've just said No."

"I know," I sighed. "There are what, five seasons? I'm going to lose a total of 120 hours from my life now." I leaned back in my chair and picked up my mocha.

"Season three kind of sucks. You can skip that one."

"Is Kim in that one? Does she get her head blown off? 'Cuz if she does, I'll totally watch it."

"I sense much anger in you."

"I told you! Kim is a total bitch! I can't stand that damn girl! And you know what I've realized? 24 doesn't exactly portray women in a good light. In fact…" I paused for effect.

"What?"

"In fact, I believe that 24 mostly highlights how conniving and untrustworthy women are."

"Oh?" Lisa took another sip of espresso. "Why do you say that?"

"Okay, hear me out." I put my mocha down and cleared my throat. "This is my diatribe: The Role of Women on 24."

"Oh boy!" Lisa clapped her hands. "Mike's on his soapbox again!"

I cast a scowl at her. "You know you want it," I smirked. She grinned in response.

"Okay. The Role of Women on 24. I believe that the women on 24 are generally not to be trusted. If you think about it, most of the backstabbers and double-crossers are women. Only a few are portrayed in a positive light. At least, from what I've seen up to season 2."

Lisa nodded reverently. She held onto her cup like it was a chalice full of an Elixir of Enlightenment. Although she was probably just mocking me.

"First, you have Jamey in season one, the computer whiz in CTU. She's the first person you think you can trust. But she's later revealed to be the first traitor. Tony and George Mason are both made to seem like possible traitors. But they turn out to be loyal. Then who within the CTU is revealed to be the second traitor? Nina. Jamey and Nina, the two women in CTU."

"Oooo… good one…" Lisa murmured. She sipped her espresso in between her ooos and ahhhs.

"Then you have Sherry Palmer. At first, she's portrayed to be a sympathetic, innocent woman, just like Nina. But by the end, she's revealed to be a conniving, manipulative person. Keith, their son, starts off as a potential murderer, but is exonerated by the end. Both Keith and Tony and George Mason all seemed like bad guys in the beginning. But by the end, they're the good guys. And it's the women who are the bad guys."

"This is really deep, Mike," Lisa said solemnly. "Really."

"Shut up. Do you want the rest of this diatribe or not?"

"Of course, of course. Please, continue."

I learned forward in my chair. "Okay, where was I? Oh yea. Kim isn't really evil or traitorous. But she's annoying all the way through the show. Totally annoying. She keeps calling her Dad, even though he's in the middle of saving the world. And she always makes those annoying sighs as if life is too much of an inconvenience for her. What a bitch. Have I told you what an annoying, self-centered, spoiled little bitch she is?"

"Yes, but you've only told me forty-eight times. Please tell me two more times to make it an even fifty."

"Weeeeeell… Kim's a bitch, she's a big fat bitch, she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world. She a stupid bitch, if there ever was a bitch, she's a bitch to all the boys and girls!"

"Thank you Cartman. Now you can continue."

"Thank you." I did a mini-bow. "Now, to be fair, there are a few exceptions. Carl, the shady guy behind the LA businessmen backing Palmer's office is a bad guy through and through. As is Gaines. But who are the true heroes? Jack and David Palmer. Both men. None of the women are really heroes in this show. They're just the ones who make things difficult for the men."

Lisa sipped and nodded at the same time.

"The same is mostly true for season two as well. Reza, the middle-eastern guy who's getting married, seems like the bad guy at first. Then it's his father-in-law who's a suspect. But then it's really Marie, his fiancé who's the bad one. And Marie, of course, is a woman."

"Of course."

"Of course. Then there's Carrie, the CTU agent who dated the brother of Michelle. She turns out backstabbing Michelle and Tony. And even Nina and Sherry make appearances here too. Nina is her usual backstabbing self. And Sherry, well, she's just a walking talking ball of backstabbery."

"Can't trust those women."

"Nope. However, I'd like to digress and say that season two was totally awesome. Much better than season one. First of all, Kim's boyfriend dumps her ass. Nice. Then Jack gets to tell Sherry off. He even fires his gun at her. And throughout season two, Kim's story is fairly minimal. That was totally awesome."

"I'm glad you approve."

"Yup. And that's my theory on The Role of Women on 24. Most of them are backstabbers and double-crossers." I waddled in my seat. "Climbing off my soapbox now."

Lisa put her cup down. "That's quite an analysis, Mike."

"Isn't it?" I beamed, proud of myself.

"I had no idea you were such a feminist."

"It's called Critical Thinking, Leese. When you look deeper into the events around you, you can discern hidden patterns and themes."

"Like in a simple TV show like 24."

"Like in a simple TV show like 24," I nodded.

Lisa shook her head. "You're also way too hooked on this show. You need to get out some more."

"But then who will come up with such great analytical diatribes of TV shows?"

"True," Lisa replied while staring at her espresso. "…because if you don't, then some evil, untrustworthy bitch is going to do it instead, then she'll kidnap some people, assassinate a President, and set off a nuclear bomb."

"Exactly my point," I nodded satisfactorily. "You understand."

Lisa shook her head again. "Mike, you really need to stop watching that show and get out some more."

. . .

What do you think of Kim?