I'm looking forward to my thirties. They seem like so much fun.

Because I know it's going to be just like those commercials where a bunch of thirty-somethings sit in a log cabin, sipping their Chardonnay and laughing about old times.

It IS going to be just like that, isn't it?

It's not going to be an anxiety-ridden series of breakdowns where we bitterly reflect on our disappointments in a dirty apartment with a bottle of Jack Daniels, is it?

Nah. Commercials wouldn't lie.

I imagine it to be just like this:

. . .

"…and after the show, I say to Jay, I say, 'Jay, your writers are good, they're good. But you just saw my monologue out there. I had your audience in stitches. Jay, the Tonight Show needs new material. The Tonight Show needs new talent. Jay, the Tonight Show needs me.'" Jeff pauses for dramatic effect. "And Jay, he says, 'You're hired kid.'"

"Jeff! You pretentious fool! I can't believe you!" Lori slaps him playfully on the shoulder. He grins and slips an arm around her.

"I knew you'd get far, man," says Rodrigo, raising a glass. "Just don't forget the little guys who were behind you all the way, laughing at your awful jokes!"

"Little guys?" gasps Jeff. "Since when do little guys have their own jets?"

"Well, it's down for repairs right now," Rodrigo admits.

"Technology's always lucrative," says Masako, walking into the living room with a plate of hors d'oeuvre. "I'm so proud of you honey." She caresses his shoulder.

"I know it hasn't been easy with me putting in all those hours," he answers, rubbing her hand.

"But I know it was worth it, now that you've created all those voice-controlled fingernail-sized super computers. I can't even remember how dealt with hulking desktop computers and keyboards."

Matt takes a sip of his Bellini and nods. "And I'm glad I banked that thousand with you, Rodrigo. Especially after all those stock splits. I don't know how I would have paid for little Timmy's Harvard tuition otherwise."

"But didn't Yale give him a full scholarship?" asks Masako.

"Yea, but you know Yale…" The room chuckles.

Samantha and Yolanda emerge from the kitchen, hand in hand. "Everyone, we have an announcement to make." The room turns to the pair. "We're going to have a baby!"

Everyone cheers. Samantha and Yolanda kiss. "The donor we finally decided on has a PhD in astrophysics and biotechnology. Just imagine, one day, our child will find a way to make contact with life in outerspace or something." She pauses. "I was going to say, 'find a cure for cancer', but it appears that Min Jung's already beat us to that."

The room applauds as Min Jung's face, already flush with alcohol, turns even redder. "Stop it, you're making me embarrassed."

"Isn't it great to be in our thirties?" asks Yolanda. The room agrees.

Then the front door slams. In walks Rob. He throws his overcoat on the coat rack and heads towards his friends.

"What's that smell in here?" he sniffs the air. Then he heads to the liquor cabinet and fills his cup with Jack Daniels. "Boy, you all won't believe the day I had."

Masako looks at him. "What kind of day did you have?"

"My company laid me off today."

Samantha goes to his side and pats his shoulder. "Oh Rob."

"That's not the least of it. Beth ran off with some optometrist. But that's okay; I knew she'd been seeing him for the last few months. How else could she have gotten all those prescription glasses? Christ, she's not even near-sighted!"

"What about Angela?" asks Lori.

"Angela. She's pregnant. You think she'd listen to her father about safe sex, much less anything else? She's pregnant." He takes a swig of Jack Daniels. "And the bank is about to repossess my house. I've been behind on my last four mortgage payments. And to top that off…"

He trails off, looking around the room. "What were you going to say?" Lori says.

"What's that smell?" Rob scratches his nose. "Well, anyways, to top that off, my transmission is shot to hell. I couldn't slow my car down enough, so I think I scratched your car, Jeff." Jeff winces. "Yup, you're whole left side is all torn now. Pretty sure I nicked your bumper too."

Rob pauses. "Is that pot I smell?"

"Yea," admits Rodrigo. "We've been updating each other on our lives."

"And smoking a little pot," adds Masako.

"And perhaps embellishing a little," says Jeff as he gazes sadly out the window. Lori rubs his shoulder.

"Oh, so you mean you're still cleaning toilets on the set of the Tonight Show, Jeff?" Rob says, taking another swig of his Jack Daniels. "And your company still in the red, Rodrigo? Or is it bankrupt now?" Masako lets out a sob. "And how about little Timmy, Matt?"

Matt looks down at the ground. "He was kicked out of community college last week."

"Ah, yes, little Timmy has traded his education for drug dealing again, has he? At least he was able to supply you all with a little homegrown pot for tonight. And Samantha, I'm guessing you already told Yolanda that you were born a man, huh?"

"A what?!" shouts Yolanda.

"Umm… my name is really Samuel." He/she stammers.

"Oh, oops, guess I let the cat out of that bag. And how about you Min Jung?" Min Jung squeaks but doesn't reply. She shifts uncomfortably in her seat. "Oh, is that bout of gonorrhea acting up again? Here, I have some cream for that in my coat."

Yolanda smashes her cup against the wall. "I can't believe I wasted my life away! Being thirty sucks!"

She runs out of the room, sobbing. Samuel/Samantha runs after her. Rob offers some Jack Daniels to the room. They all accept.

. . .

What do you think being thirty is like?