Hey, how 'you doing? Great weather we're having today, huh? How about them Yankees?

You may have heard something like that before. It's what is known as small talk, chit-chat, or general conversation. While some see it as fake bullshit, others realize that there's an art to making fun and effective conversation.

I'm probably the last person to be giving this advice. When faced with a new and large crowd, I'm not the guy in the middle, telling all the funny stories. I'm the guy at the side, listening intently and taking note of everyone in the room. In other words, I'm an observer.

Small group settings are different, however. Amongst familiar friends, it's sometimes hard to shut me up. But ain't that the case with a lot of people?

In my role as the observer, I've taken note of several effective patterns that make up good conversation. And in various workplace and social settings, I've had a chance to apply them and test them out. Here's what I've noticed.

Prepare

This isn't always necessary, but if you're nervous about that big meeting or networking event, a little preparation can help. At the very least, it will make you feel a little better. At the very most, it will give you actual ammo you can use. Some ways to prepare are:

  • Know Current Events

    Pick up today's newspaper. Read through the top stories in each section. This will give you some generic conversation topics.

  • Have Some Ice Breaker Questions

    Learn some generic ice breaker conversation topics and questions. There are books and websites that offer suggestions, though the best ones are ones that fit your specific situation. Take the time to brainstorm a few good ice breaker questions.

  • Do Your Homework

    Learn about the participants, especially if it's a business meeting. Get some information about your clients, their market, and their latest offerings. You can even think up some questions you'd like to ask them. Don't make it obvious that you've done your homework though; when you bring up these topics, make it seem natural.

  • Relax

    Breathe and relax. That's probably the most important thing you can do. If you're nervous and tense, you'll forget all of this preparation. Relax your mind. Picture all of the participants in their underwear. Meditate and do yoga.

    Or hell, get some alcohol in you if all else fails. Now, I'm not one to encourage booze, but if you're that terribly nervous and desperate, a little liquid courage ought to do the trick. Just don't overdo it, or else you'll have a lot more to worry about than a big scary party.

Break the Ice

There are some generic topics and questions that conversationalists use to break the ice. The key to a good generic topic is one that all or most of the participants will know about. They are common topics generally around popular knowledge and culture. Some generic topics are:

  • The Weather

    This one can sometimes be a bit too generic, unless there is something significant going on, like an impending thunderstorm or a sunny day after a string of cloudy ones. Otherwise, it's tough to keep this line of conversation going for long.

  • Popular News

    Picking up today's current newspaper can give you a run-down of the latest popular news. News websites are good for that as well. Make sure you read the article and are familiar with the main facts of the story.

  • Movies

    Movies are a little more universal than music or books, so discussing the latest movies is a safe generic topic. This will mean being familiar with a few of the latest movies, of course. You don't have to watch them all, just know a little about them.

  • Sports

    Although talking about sports works better on guys than girls, it's somewhat of a universal topic for most guys. Not all guys, but most. Be careful not to get into heated arguments about teams or players though, you're just trying to connect with someone, not bash their teams.

Ice breaker questions are open-ended questions meant to draw the other person out. They help you find connections with other participants through similar traits. These questions also invite the other person to ask you the same question, forming the basis of a rapport. Some generic ice breaker questions are:

  • What do you do?

    This one is almost so common that it verges on being unoriginal and perhaps, even tacky. But nevertheless, lots of people use it. So if you're dry of ideas, what the hell, use it.

  • Where are you from/Where did you grow up?

    Be careful with this question in multi-ethnic crowds, as some American-born minorities may feel somewhat offended by what they'll perceive as a stereotype that they are foreign-born. Most will not be offended, but a small handful may be.

  • How do you know…/How are you connected with…?

    Sometimes asking a person about their connection to the host can open up doors for further conversation. For dinner parties and social engagements, this one is common. It also allows you to learn more about your host.

Learn about Them

After you open up a dialogue using generic topics and questions, follow up with questions that allow you to learn more about the other person. One effective conversationalist I know recommends making each person you talk to feel like the most important and interesting person in the world. Don't overdo it with false enthusiasm, but if you act and feel genuinely interested in the other person, you'll not only make a favorable impression, but perhaps gain a new friend and/or learn something new. Some generic things to learn about someone are:

  • Work

    In many industrialized cultures, people identify themselves with their careers, for better or worse. Understanding people's work history can give you insight into their personality. Just don't turn the conversation into an interview; this is mean to be a fun conversation, not a recruiting event.

  • Place of Origin

    One's country, state, or city of origin (whether it be their birthplace or where they spent their childhood) can also give significant insights into a person's personality. You can learn a great deal about a person's culture that way, and consequently, a great deal about that culture as well.

Relate to Them

As you learn about the other person, find ways to relate. Connecting with a person is a good way to keep a conversation going, as well as make it interesting for you and the other person. People who are able to relate also generally leave the conversation feeling good about the other person. Some ways to relate to someone are:

  • Look for Commonalities

    Find commonalities between you both. As the other person talks, keep an ear open for similar traits and/or experiences between you two. Commonalities are the easiest, most basic way to relate to someone.

  • Share Personal Stories and Anecdotes

    Once you've found common traits and/or experiences, share some personal stories and anecdotes that reveal more about yourself. A conversation isn't just about asking the other person questions, it's about sharing a part of you as well. This will help that other person find commonalities too.

Avoid Controversy

When you first meet someone, avoid the most obvious conversational landmines. These are fine to bring up if you know the person well enough, but with new encounters, it's best to avoid these topics. They won't generate conversations; instead, they'll generate heated debates at best, and aggressive arguments at worst. Some controversial topics are:

  • Politics

    Some people are very passionate about their political beliefs. If you disagree with them, they'll try their hardest to convince you. Or worse, they'll insult and condemn you. Not a good way to build rapport at all.

  • Religion

    Same with politics, some people are very passionate about their religious beliefs. And they'll try their damndest to convert you to their way of thinking as well (this includes both religious believers and atheists).

  • Sad Personal Stories

    While sharing personal stories and anecdotes is a good way to relate to someone, stay away from personal sad stories. You're not here to look for pity; you're here to make fun conversation. A sad personal story will quickly deteriorate the conversation and leave the participants feeling uncomfortable. They don't know you well enough yet to offer advice, condolences, or anything else except a blank stare.

  • Anything Too Personal

    In fact, any kind of information that is deeply personal should be avoided, whether it's sad or not. Unless these participants know you well, deeply personal topics will make them feel awkward. If you're not sure where to draw the line between a good personal story and a bad one, take this rule to heart: less is more.

I'm sure there are other great ice breaker topics and questions to ask, as well as other controversial topics to avoid. These are just what I've observed. Those who are able to wield these general rules have the art of conversation down. They're able to enter any situation and make fun and effective conversation. Those that don't, usually end up with blank stares.

What do you do to make conversation?