Oh boy, Thanksgiving is coming soon! That means family and food and fun!

What kind of fun? How about this kind of fun:

  1. Cook the turkey and "dress it up" using other foods. Shape the mashed potatoes in a face with carrots for the eyes. Put this at the top of the turkey. Shape the stuffing into boots and put them on the legs of the turkey. You can get even more creative with celery sticks, corn, and other side dishes.

  2. Choose a magic word for the day. Every time someone says that word, you and whoever else knows the word has to take a swig of alcohol. If you're not around any alcohol, you have to get to some as soon as you can - and you can't talk until you do. Just nod and smile if others are trying to speak to you.

  3. Buy a bag of fortune cookies and take the fortunes out. After you remove your guests' coats, slip a fortune into their pockets, one per coat. This only works if the weather is cool enough to warrant coats, of course.

  4. If you have a Roomba robotic vacuum cleaner (or some other kind of mobile home robot), attach a cardboard box on top of it. Have the robot cruise around your house with a tray of hors d'oeuvres on the box. Hopefully the box is tall enough and the robot steady enough. You may need to serve relatively stable hors d'oeuvres that won't roll around or fall over easily, such as crackers with cheese.

  5. If you have a dog, feed it food to make it gassy. This could include beans, cauliflower, and broccoli. A dog that eats too fast can also get gassy. Try to time it so it doesn't coincide with dinner. Perhaps when your guests first arrive. Or perhaps after dinner, while everyone is sitting around and talking. Unless you want it to happen during dinner. It's your call.

  6. Every time somebody says something, add the words, "in bed" after it. Chuckle to yourself if the phrase is especially good. Don't tell anyone why you're laughing though; keep this little secret to yourself.

  7. Create a table-top turkey centerpiece. Rig it so if someone touches it, something pops up like a Jack-in-the-Box or a Snakes-in-a-Can. Don't do this if you have elderly relatives with weak hearts, however. Make sure it doesn't explode or get too messy either, especially all over the food.

  8. Use lots of subtle sexual innuendo. Be nonchalant, but stare at the person after you say it, to see if they get it. Use phrases like: "That's a huge breast", "Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist," "If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst," "That's one terrific spread," "I'm in the mood for some dark meat," "It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it," "Don't play with your meat," "Just spread the legs open and I'll stuff it in," "I didn't expect everyone to come all at once," "You still have a little bit on your chin," "You'll know it's ready when it pops up," and "That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"

  9. If you really want your guests to leave early, set all the clocks one hour ahead. This only works if no one watches TV, however. Many will have watches and mobile phones with the correct time, but they may not double-check and just trust the clock on the wall. If they do look at their watches, just shrug and tell them their watch must have died.

  10. Every time a relative squeezes your cheeks, squeeze their cheeks back.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!