Jan
9
2005

Potty Humor: A Comedy

Setting:
Our hero is at his girlfriend’s one-bedroom apartment. They just returned from a large dinner that isn’t sitting well with his digestive system. When his girlfriend starts sifting through some mail, he takes the opportunity to use the restroom for a number two.

Act I – Number Two

Scene:
We’re in the restroom. Our hero is flipping through an issue of People magazine as he perches upon the porcelain throne. He’s wearing a white t-shirt and black sweatpants.
Hero’s ass:
Pbpbpbpb!
Hero:
His eyes pop wide like a pair of golf balls. His mouth forms a perfect O, giving his face the appearance of a bowling ball. He’s shocked by the volume of gas passing through his buttocks and embarrassed that it was so loud.
Girlfriend:
Her head tilts to one side and her eyebrow arches. She tries not to grin at the sound, but a faint smile forms on her lips.
Hero’s ass:
Pbpbpbpb!
Hero:
He shifts his weight around on the toilet, hoping that some other angle will stifle the noise.
Hero’s ass:
Pbpbpbpb!
Hero:
His eyes dart around nervously. He’s terrified that his girlfriend can hear the emissions, but utterly unsure of how to stop them.
Girlfriend:
She smiles and reaches for the remote control. The sound from the restroom subsides for a moment and she puts the remote down.
Hero’s ass:
Pbpbpbpb!
Girlfriend:
She picks up the remote again and turns on the TV.
Hero:
His face is all red. The veins are popping out of his neck. He’s squeezing his eyes tightly shut, just as he’s squeezing the cheeks of his ass in the hopes that this will silence the sound. It works! Several minutes pass and no further emissions leave his anus. He slowly relaxes his muscles and forms a goofy grin.
Hero’s ass:
Pbpbpbpb!
Hero:
Dammit! He clenches his face again.
Hero’s ass:
Pbpb… pbpb… pb…
Hero:
The gases finally ebb. His eyes close halfway and his tongue hangs out of his mouth while he smiles like he just finished a marathon. And won.

Act II – Soup de Toilette

Scene:
We’re still in the restroom. Our hero is finishing up.
Hero:
He wipes his ass and flushes the toilet bowl. Then he gets up and washes his hands. He looks for a set of matches but can’t find any. So he walks into the living room, where his girlfriend is doing her work, and sneaks by her to grab a lighter.
Girlfriend:
Hi honey. Are you feeling okay?
Hero:
Um, yea. Yea. Great. He deftly hides the lighter behind his back while he smiles at her. He sprints back to the restroom.
Girlfriend:
She grins and turns back to the TV.
Hero:
He rips off a piece of toilet paper and lights it on fire. The flames burn through the methane and help clear the aroma. He lifts the toilet lid to drop the paper.Gasp!He leaps back in horror as he notices a backed-up toilet. Floating in the bowl is what appears to be chunky beef stew. He drops the flaming paper into the bowl and peers inside. A wad of toilet paper is wedged at the bottom. His nose wrinkles at the smell.He frantically searches the restroom for a plunger. All he can find is a toilet bowl brush. His mouth grimaces as he realizes a brush wouldn’t be enough. So he scratches his chin and ponders the situation for.

An idea strikes him. He leaves the restroom and sprints towards to the kitchen. He has to pass behind his girlfriend to get there.

Girlfriend:
She looks at him quizzically. Everything okay honey?
Hero:
Yea, yea, everything’s great. What are you watching?
Girlfriend:
Oh, I don’t know. I’m just flipping through channels.
Hero:
He slides by her and into the kitchen. He grabs a glass from the dish rack. Maybe you could watch one of the DVDs.
Girlfriend:
Yea, I could. I’m not really paying attention to the TV though. I still have all this mail to go through.
Hero:
That’s great! He answers with a little too much enthusiasm. Keep on watching then!
Girlfriend:
Uh, okay…
Hero:
He dashes back into the restroom and starts filling the glass with warm water. He pours the water down the toilet and continues doing so for about twenty glassfuls. The fetid soup begins to sink a little as the warm water loosens the clog. He continues with a few more glasses, just in case.Finally satisfied that the clog is loose enough, he flushes the toilet. Fresh water rushes into the soup. His jaw drops as he watches the soup rise. Chunks float to the surface. Nothing is going down the drain; instead, the new water is bringing the soup dangerously close to the top of the bowl.He leaps to the floor to find the water knob. The soup slowly approaches critical mass as his nervous fingers fumble. He shuts the water off just in time for the skin of the soup to touch the top of the bowl, narrowly avoiding a disastrous overflow.He slides down against the bathtub and lets loose a long sigh. Sweat percolates on his brow. He wipes it and looks at the bowl again. It’s brimming to the rim. He bites his lip and nervously reconsiders his options.

With another deep breath, he gets up and exits the restroom. He walks into the living room and grabs his coat.

Um, baby?

Girlfriend:
She looks up from her mail. Yea?
Hero:
I’m going to head to the store for a moment. I, um, kind of… well… the toilet is a bit stuffed at the moment. Just a bit. And I, um, just need… well… you don’t happen to have a plunger, do you?
Girlfriend:
No… why?
Hero:
Oh, nothing, nothing. Really. I’m just going to run to the store to get one real quick. Nothing to worry about. And oh, and baby?
Girlfriend:
Growing apprehensive. Yea?
Hero:
I want you to promise me something. Promise not to go into the restroom, okay? It’s just that, well, it’s a bit stinky in there. And I don’t want the embarrassment of you smelling my stinkiness.
Girlfriend:
Giggling. Oh honey, that’s okay.
Hero:
No, really. I’d be embarrassed. And also, because I haven’t quite totally, well, flushed yet, I just need a plunger for a moment. I’ll be right back. I’ll be back really quickly. Just please don’t go in there.
Girlfriend:
Okay, I won’t.
Hero:
Okay, cool, thanks. Really, I’ll be right back. He starts slipping out the door. Really quick, I’ll be really quick. Thanks baby, thanks!
Girlfriend:
She laughs.
Hero:
Bye! He slams the door and runs toward his car, cursing to himself all the way there.

Act III – Midget Plunger

Scene:
We’re in the hero’s car. It’s drizzling outside and beads of rain dot his windshield.
Hero:
He races his car down the slick streets. His slides through turns and runs yellow lights to get to the store. Once there, he pulls into the first parking spot he sees.He sprints into the store and stops to catch his breath. Then he turns left and starts walking down the aisles. His wet shoes squeak loudly on the floor. Other patrons cast ugly gazes at him. He makes a face at one of them and the lady turns her nose up.He hurries up and down twelve aisles, which pretty much encompass three-quarters of the store. Past birthday cards, microwaves, candles, and teddy-bear embroidered baby mittens he goes. None of them have plungers.Finally, he finds the bathroom aisle, which ironically is next to the entrance. Had he taken a right instead of a left, he would have found it. He notices this and rolls his eyes. Then he squeaks his way down the aisle.

A variety of toilet bowl brushes line the shelves. He spots a very short, half-length plunger and grimaces, realizing that with this plunger, he’d have to sink his hand into the chunky toilet bowl soup.

So he continues to search the aisle. Back and forth he squeaks. Unfortunately, there are no full-length plungers. Only brushes, shower curtains, and this midget plunger.

Store Loudspeakers:
Attention shoppers. We will be closing in five minutes. Please make your final purchases and bring them to the cashiers. Thank you.
Hero:
Panicking, he gropes at every brush in the aisle, willing them to be plungers. He even squeezes his eyes shut and hysterically shakes one brush. When he opens his eyes and sees that it’s still a brush, he throws it down.He returns to the short plunger and shakes a worried glance. Then he rushes back to the brushes and fumbles through each one. He tosses them all aside, hoping that there’s a hidden plunger among them.
Store Loudspeakers:
Attention shoppers. We are now closed. Please make your final purchases and bring them to the cashiers. We will be open again tomorrow at nine AM for your shopping convenience. Thank you.
Hero:
Eyes wide with absolute terror, he stares at the short plunger. He takes a large gulp and picks it up uneasily. Then he looks up at a pair of thick rubber gloves. He grabs them and runs to the cashier, stricken with the horror of what he’s about to plunge his hands into.

Act IV – Clearing The Soup

Scene:
Back at the girlfriend’s apartment.
Hero:
He knocks on the door nervously. Baby? I’m back.
Girlfriend:
She opens the door with a warm smile. Hi honey! She eyes him up and down and sees dirty water on his pants and mud on his shoes. What in the world happened to you? Are you okay?
Hero:
He sighs. Don’t ask. Did you go into the restroom?
Girlfriend:
Nope. I’ve been out here the whole time. Still going through my mail.
Hero:
Okay, cool, great, thanks! He dashes into the restroom and shuts the door. His face is contorted in fear. Carefully, he opens the lid of the toilet bowl. The soup has settled somewhat. The liquid is nearly at the bottom of the bowl. The sides are crawling with chunky remnants. His face now contorts with disgust. He turns the water knob to allow water back into the toilet. Gingerly, he wiggles the toilet bowl lever. Summoning up his courage, he pushes the lever and flushes the toilet. The water begins rising again, with little evidence of flushing. He sighs, puts on the gloves, and grabs the midget plunger.This is going to suck…

He turns off the water again. With a grimace, he dips the plunger in. Fortunately, the water is still shallow enough that he doesn’t have to dip his gloves into it. He begins working the clog, pumping the plunger at regular intervals.

The plunger, being rather cheap, flips inside-out. He tries to shake it back to place without any splashing, to no avail. His eyes widen with the realization that he’s going to have to use his gloves to fix it. The plunger is dripping with wholesome beef chunks.

He carefully pokes at it with a finger. Nothing happens. He pokes again. Then with two fingers. Then three. Sweat is leaking down his face. Finally, the plunger returns to its normal shape.

He pumps the toilet again. And again, the plunger goes inside-out. He sighs and repeats the process.

Then the moment of truth comes—the clog finally clears and the soup sinks away!

Woo hoo! Yessssss! Oh thank goodness it’s finally going doooooown!!

He flushes the toilet and sends the chunky remnants to toilet bowl hell. With a third flush, he sticks the plunger into the water to rinse it off as well.

Elated, he starts the cleaning process with a big happy grin. He uses boiling hot water from the tub and anti-bacterial cleanser to spray everything down. He cleans the restroom cleaner than it originally was. It’s so clean you could eat out of the toilet.

Once completed, he stacks the plunger and gloves on top of a plastic shopping bag, scrubs his hands, and walks out to see his girlfriend again.

Scene:
Fade to black. Roll credits.
. . .

Have you ever done anything embarrassing at your girl/boyfriend’s place?

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