I just watched Iron Man 2. Without giving anything away, I can tell you that I’m glad I walked in without any expectations. It was a fun roller coaster at times and a painful uphill hike at other times. But that’s just my opinion.
This movie got me thinking though. It’s rare that a sequel is as good, or better, than the first. It’s not impossible, but it sure seems rare.
So what makes a great sequel? What key elements make it more roller coaster and less uphill hike?
Ah! The appearance of a memorable villain. A real badass that rolls the story into such a katamari of devilish deeds that you are leaping out of your seat for that final climatic confrontation. That, in my humble opinion, is one of the key elements of a great sequel. That, and a rock-solid script with good hero evolution, of course. But the villain is what I remember most from great sequels.
Let’s look at some great sequels from the past to see if this theory works.
- The Empire Strikes Back
- How can any villain compare to the malevolent Darth Vader? The way he plotted against the heroes and seemingly won by the end of this movie makes him one true bad ass. Also, Boba Fett deserves an honorable mention, despite having little screen time.
- Star Trek II
- Kaaaaaahn! Majestic kudos to Ricardo Montalban for portraying this swashbuckling revenge-minded villain. The ensuing duel of wits between Captain Kirk and Kahn was one damn awesome ride.
- Superman II
- Phantom Zone baddies General Zod, Ursa & Non made Superman’s strength a non-advantage, forcing him to outthink them instead. Such clever twists always delight more than brute strength.
- Aliens
- Both the alien queen and all of her babies stole the show here. More of a shoot-em-up than the first movie, this sequel had both horrific suspense and kick-ass guns. Always a good formula.
- The Road Warrior
- This sequel to Mad Max featured hockey mask-wearing, Jason-wannabe, “warrior of the wasteland, ayatollah of rock-and-rollah” Lord Humungus as the leader of a post-apocalyptic gang of motorcycle thugs. Need I say more?
- Terminator 2
- I don’t know about you, but if I had a walking, talking, liquid-metal morphing machine after me, I’d poop my pants, curl up in a ball, and cry. That is, until Arnold Schwarzenegger arrived to save my ass.
- The Dark Knight
- Holy badass bad guys, Batman. The late Heath Ledger did a phenomenal job playing one messed-up psycho. Before seeing the movie, I couldn’t see him as The Joker. After seeing the movie, I can’t see anyone but him in this role.
- Godfather II
- Okay, this kind of breaks my theory. It’s not really about a memorable villain as it’s about the parallel rises of Michael Coreleone and his father, Vito Coreleone. But the montage of mob hits & assassinations by the Coreleone family against their enemies was pretty bad ass.
Iron Man 2 had a lot of promise in Ivan Vanko. Unfortunately, despite casting Mickey Rourke, Vanko’s character didn’t have enough of that villainous charisma, that cinematic wickedness.
To Rourke’s credit, he tried to make the character less one-dimensional by crafting a softer side to Vanko, which I thought was an admirable touch. Sadly, it wasn’t enough.
I hope the sequel to X-Men Origins: Wolverine will feature a badass villain worthy of this list. Rumor has it the movie will be set in Japan. Within the Wolverine universe are quite a few baddies from which they could choose. Here’s to hoping they choose well and create a sequel worthy of the greats.
Who knew two cartoon characters could bestow such wonderful gifts? The gifts of laughter and wisdom. Bill Watterson, you are awesomeness with two legs.
Flipping through some of my old Calvin & Hobbes collections, I just had to pull out some of my favorite quotes. There are plenty more, but every time I open a Calvin & Hobbes collection, I find myself reading and reading and reading… and before I know it, an hour has passed.
- “2+7=” “I cannot answer this question, as it is against my religious principles.”
- “A day can really slip by when you’re deliberately avoiding what you’re supposed to do.”
- “A good compromise leaves everybody mad.”
- “A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day.”
- “As a math atheist, I should be excused from this.”
- “As far as I’m concerned, if something is so complicated that you can’t explain it in 10 seconds, then it’s probably not worth knowing anyway.”
- “Being a parent is wanting to hug and strangle your kid at the same time.”
- “C’mon, we’d better go outside for a while.” “How come?” “Mom’s getting that look.”
- “Calvin, pay attention! We’re studying geography! Now what state do you live in?” “Denial.”
- “Childhood is short, maturity is forever.”
- “Do you believe in the devil? You know, a supreme evil being dedicated to the temptation, corruption, and destruction of man?” “I’m not sure that man needs the help.”
- “Do you think babies are born sinful? That they come into the world as sinners?” “No, I think they’re just quick studies.”
- “Do you think there’s a God?” “Well somebody’s out to get me!”
- “Ever notice how tense grown-ups get when they’re recreating?”
- “Everybody I know needs a complete personality overhaul!”
- “From now on, I’ll connect the dots my own way.”
- “Getting an inch of snow is like winning 10 cents in the lottery.”
- “Girls are like slugs – they probably serve some purpose, but it’s hard to imagine what.”
- “Golly, I’d hate to have a kid like me.”
- “History is the fiction we invent to persuade ourselves that events are knowable and that life has order and direction. That’s why events are always reinterpreted when values change. We need new versions of history to allow for our current prejudices.”
- “I can never enjoy Sundays, because in the back of my mind I always know I’ve got to go to school the next day. It’s like trying to enjoy your last meal before the execution.”
- “I don’t know which is worse… that everyone has his price, or that the price is always so low.”
- “I don’t need to compromise my principles, because they don’t have the slightest bearing on what happens to me anyway.”
- “I feel a big sneeze welling up. …Which is always a sure sign that I’m not carrying a handkerchief.”
- “I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep everyone’s expectations.”
- “I go to school, but I never learn what I want to know.”
- “I had resolved to be less offended by human nature, but I think I blew it already.”
- “I hate it when I can’t gird my loins with funny animals.”
- “I hate to think that all my current experiences will someday become stories with no point.”
- “I have a hammer! I can put things together! I can knock things apart! I can alter my environment at will and make an incredible din all the while! Ah, it’s great to be male!”
- “I keep forgetting that rules are for little nice people.”
- “I keep forgetting that rules are only for little nice people.”
- “I like maxims that don’t encourage behavior modification.”
- “I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savior a bad mood.”
- “I must obey the inscrutable exhortations of my soul.”
- “I say, when life gives you a lemon, wing it right back and add some lemons of your own!”
- “I should always be saying, ‘My life is better than I ever imagined it would be, and it’s only going to improve’.”
- “I suppose if we couldn’t laugh at things that don’t make sense, we couldn’t react to a lot of life.”
- “I think animals are alway so cute.”
- “I think the surest sign that there is intelligent life out there in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.”
- “I try to make everyone’s day a little more surreal.”
- “I understand my tests are popular reading in the teachers’ lounge.”
- “I used to hate writing assignments, but now I enjoy them. I realized that the purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure poor reasoning, and inhibit clarity. With a little practice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog!”
- “I wonder why we think faster than we can speak.” “Probably so we can think twice.”
- “I’d hate to have a kid like me.”
- “I’m a genius, but I’m a misunderstood genius.” “What’s misunderstood about you?” “Nobody thinks I’m a genius.”
- “I’m learning real skills that I can apply throughout the rest of my life… Procrastinating and rationalizing.”
- “I’m not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.”
- “I’M SIGNIFICANT! …screamed the dust speck.”
- “I’m yet another resource-consuming kid in an overpopulated planet, raised to an alarming extent by Hollywood and Madison Avenue, poised with my cynical and alienated peers to take over the world when you’re old and weak.”
- “If good things lasted forever, would we appreciate how precious they are?”
- “If it was completely different, school would be great.”
- “If mom and dad cared about me at all, they’d buy me some infra-red nighttime vision goggles.”
- “If people could put rainbows in zoos, they’d do it.”
- “If warped values are the price of a vicarious thrill, so be it!”
- “If you couldn’t find any weirdness, maybe we’ll just have to make some!”
- “If you do the job badly enough, sometimes you don’t get asked to do it again.”
- “In my opinion, television validates existence.”
- “In my opinion, we don’t devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.”
- “Isn’t it sad how some people’s grip on their lives is so precarious that they’ll embrace any preposterous delusion rather than face an occasional bleak truth?”
- “It’s hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.”
- “It’s not denial. I’m just very selective about the reality I accept.”
- “It’s not the pace of life I mind. It’s the sudden stop at the end.”
- “It’s only work if somebody makes you do it.”
- “It’s psychosomatic. You need a lobotomy. I’ll get a saw.”
- “Leave it to a girl to take the fun out of sex discrimination.”
- “Life is like topography, Hobbes. There are summits of happiness and success… Flat stretches of boring routine… And valleys of frustration and failure.”
- “Life’s disappointments are harder to take when you don’t know any swear words.”
- “Mom would be a lot more fun if she was a little more gullible.”
- “My time is valuable. I can’t go on thinking about one subject for minutes on end. I’m a busy man.”
- “Nobody asks me how things oughta be! I’ve got tons of ideas!”
- “Nothing spoils fun like finding out it builds character.”
- “Now, a lifetime of experience has left me bitter and cynical.”
- “People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don’t realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.”
- “Physical education is what you learn from having your face in someone’s armpit right before lunch.”
- “Pretty convenient how every time I build character, he saves a couple hundred dollars.”
- “Reading goes faster if you don’t sweat comprehension.”
- “Reality continues to ruin my life.”
- “So the secret to good self-esteem is to lower your expectations to the point where they’re already met?”
- “Some people are pragmatists, taking things as they come and making the best of the choices available. Some people are idealists, standing for principle and refusing to compromise. And some people just act on any whim that enters their heads. I pragmatically turn my whims into principles.”
- “Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.”
- “That’s one of the most remarkable things about life. It’s never so bad that it can’t get worse.”
- “That’s the difference between me and the rest of the world! Happiness isn’t good enough for me! I demand euphoria!”
- “That’s the whole problem with science. You’ve got a bunch of empiricists trying to describe things of unimaginable wonder.”
- “The best presents don’t come in boxes.”
- “The only bright side to all this is that eventually there may not be a piece of the planet worth fighting over.”
- “The problem with being avant-garde is knowing who’s putting on who.”
- “The problem with you, Hobbes, is you’re always at a loss for words.” “I’ve found that saves many a friendship.”
- “The purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure pure reasoning, and inhibit clarity. With a little pratice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog!”
- “The secret to happiness is short-term, stupid self-interest!”
- “The strength to change what I can, the inability to accept what I can’t, and the incapacity the tell the difference.”
- “There’s an inverse relationship between how good something is for you, and how much fun it is.”
- “There’s more to this world than just people, you know.”
- “There’s never enough time to do all the nothing you want.”
- “There’s no problem so awful that you can’t add some guilt to it and make it even worse!”
- “There’s nothing prettier than new fallen snow on a clear, freezing moonlit night. …Through a window, that is.”
- “These are interesting times. We don’t trust the government, we don’t trust the legal system, we don’t trust the media, and we don’t trust each other! We’ve undermined all authority, and with it, the basis for replacing it! It’s like a six-year-old’s dream come true!”
- “Things are never quite as scary when you’ve got a best friend.”
- “This one’s tricky. You have to use imaginary numbers, like eleventeen…”
- “To make a bad day worse, spend it wishing for the impossible.”
- “Today, I go for the gusto.”
- “We seem to understand the value of oil, timber, minerals, and housing, but not the value of unspoiled beauty, wildlife, solitude, and spiritual renewal. We need to start putting prices on the priceless.”
- “Weekends don’t count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.”
- “Well, it just seemed wrong to cheat on an ethics test.”
- “What assurance do I have that your parenting isn’t screwing me up?”
- “What I like is when you’re looking and thinking and looking and thinking… And suddenly you wake up.”
- “What’s the point of wearing your favorite rocketship underpants if nobody ever asks to see ‘em?”
- “When birds burp, it must taste like bugs.”
- “When I grow up, I want to be an inventor. First I will invent a time machine. Then I’ll come back to yesterday and take myself to tomorrow, and skip this dumb assignment.”
- “When I grow up, I’m not going to read the newspaper and I’m not going to follow complex issues and I’m not going to vote. That way I can complain when the government doesn’t represent me. Then, when everything goes down the tubes, I can say the system doesn’t work and justify my further lack of participation.”
- “When you get something, it’s new and exciting. When you have something, you take it for granted and it’s boring.”
- “When you’re serious about having fun, it’s not much fun at all!”
- “Why should I have to WORK for everything?! It’s like saying I don’t deserve it!”
- “Why waste time learning, when ignorance is instantaneous?”
- “Without an appreciation for grace and beauty, there’s no pleasure in creating things and no pleasure in having them!”
- “You know how Einstein got bad grades as a kid? Well, mine are even worse!”
- “You know how people are. They only recognize greatness when some authority confirms it.”
- “You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don’t help.”
- “You know, there are times when it’s a source of personal pride to not be human.”
What are your favorite Calvin & Hobbes quotes?
I’ve been writing an essay a week since November 1998. Well, almost every week. I missed one last week, and almost missed it this week.
This piece lists some of the tactics I’ve used over the years to keep me writing. Sometimes my schedule insists on slips. That’s partly why I wanted to take this topic. It’s both a reminder and a refresher. With a dollop of irony.
Becoming a good writer requires practice. What better way to practice than to write once a week? That’s what I asked myself back in 1998.
It hasn’t been easy. Arguably, it hasn’t improved my craft significantly either. Further improvements may only come with professional guidance. But first, I need to practice, practice, practice.
Here is what I’ve done to encourage a river of weekly writing:
- Don’t stress over missing a day
- I need to remind myself of this one often. Ultimately, I write because I enjoy it. Professionals warn that once it becomes a career, the fun factor fades. Since I’m not a professional, I must maintain some of that magic, that delight that keeps me writing. Give yourself permission to miss an occasional day of writing. Then return right back to the schedule. However, if you miss too many, then maybe you need a new hobby. I hear watching TV is real easy to do.
- Carry something that allows you to record ideas anytime, anywhere
- Inspiration is a fickle fairy. Rarely does she appear when I’m sitting at my desk. If this happens to you too, consider carrying around a notepad, voice recorder, or mobile phone with which you can record said inspiration. This way, everything from potential topics to picturesque prose can be noted for later.
- Establish a habit of writing regularly
- Habits are powerful creatures. They can be used for good and evil. Let’s use them for good. Find a regular pocket of time in which you can hide from the world. Then ignore everything else for a while and just write. Doing this consistently and frequently enough will turn it into a habit.
- Find the right place to write
- Having a reliable pocket of time isn’t always good enough. Sometimes you need a reliable pocket of space as well. A cubbyhole that dependably inspires and energizes. This could be a coffee shop, a room with bay windows, or a dark cave. Whatever the case, it needs to be a place that stirs your brain and moves your fingers to write.
- Write what you know
- You’ve heard this before. Write about topics familiar to you. It’s usually easier this way. If you are a truck driver, it might be difficult to craft a credible story about astronauts. A mystery about stolen cargo or a horror story about ghosts on a highway; those might be simpler.
- Stretch your creative muscle
- Ignore my previous tip. What do I know? Write about topics unfamiliar to you. It might be more difficult, but it’s not impossible. Use your library or the web to research the life and loves of being an astronaut. A romance between an astronaut and her trainer or a thriller about the last humans alive in a space station; they might be challenging but fun.
- Read a lot
- If you want to be a good chef, you need to learn how to cook and how good cooking tastes. Consume that which you want to create. So read. Read voraciously. Then take a second to stare at the words, sentences, paragraphs, and chapters of your favorite books and articles. Examine the poetry behind the prose. You’ve just tasted something wonderful. Now go and recreate it in your own way.
- Read books on the craft of writing
- Good and bad books on writing abound. My personal recommendations include these timeless tomes: On Writing Well
by William Zinsser, The Elements of Style
by William Strunk & E.B. White, and Reading Like a Writer
by Francine Prose. I’d also like to throw in two more favorites: Immediate Fiction
by Jerry Cleaver and On Writing
by Stephen King. All of these books have educated, inspired, and delighted me tremendously. Hopefully they can impart the same magic unto you.
- Join a writing workshop
- If you are lucky enough to find a friendly local writing workshop, sign up. The power of peer pressure is potent. With a good coach and enthusiastic participants, you can gain a lot of valuable feedback. Be sure to keep an open mind. Sometimes the criticism can be harsh. That only means they care. The only way to strengthen a sword is to heat and hammer it relentlessly.
- Find a writing buddy
- If you can’t find a good writing workshop, consider finding a writing buddy. Stranger or friend, the ideal writing buddy will be a person similarly enthusiastic about writing. The level of interaction is yours to decide. Sitting quietly, having lively conversation, critiquing actively, abstaining from feedback, this is all up to your personal style and chemistry with your companion.
- Publish your writing on a blog
- When an active readership exists, there is an incentive to continue writing. The desire to avoid disappointing others can be quite motivational. That’s certainly my sentiment. Blogging platforms such as Tumblr, Posterous, Live Journal, and Xanga all give readers an easy way to discover your writing. Consider using one of these tools to share your craft with the world.
- Write first
- There’s nothing more embarrassing and stifling to a writer than premature editing. Many a writer has stumbled on this snag. Do you write a sentence, stop, reread, rewrite, and repeat? Well, cut it out. There will be time to edit your prose later. For now, you just need to get those words out.
- Edit later
- Now that you’ve got pages upon pages of prose, it’s time to get ruthless. Zinsser’s book has fantastic tips on effective editing, so I won’t repeat it all here. In short, cut every word until you can’t cut anymore.
- Have fun
- Oh yea, and have fun! That’s why you’re writing in the first place, right? So smile and enjoy the craft!
How many times have you been away from home and hit with the need to, uh, create brown seed? To drop the kids off at the pool? To excrete fecal matter from your rectum? (What, too vivid?)
I’ve been there. I might be walking around in a city or driving around in suburbia when suddenly, I break out in a sweat. Last night’s dinner is knock, knock, knocking on the back door. A working toilet becomes my goal in life. Nothing else matters except excavational bliss.
So I hunt. I hunt for amiable facilities. With nerve-chilling suspense and utter determination, I reach my objective and let out a wistful sigh. The deed is done. All is right with the world again.
Over the years, I’ve repeated this performance enough to discern efficient search patterns. Patterns that I’m going to share with you today, because, well, I’m just that kind of guy.
Here is a list of what I’ve found to be the best places for a public restroom, more or less in order of cleanliness. Please note that this list only pertains to the United States. If you’re reading this from another country, you should totally put together your own list and let me know in the comments.
- Large Hotel Chains
- Walk in like you’re a guest or conference attendee and stroll right over to a directory or building map. I don’t think hotel employees care if you’re not one of those, but it might make you feel less self-conscious. Hotel chains like Marriot, Westin, even Holiday Inn have public restrooms. Generally, only guests and employees use them, so you can except clean and well-stocked facilities.
- Large Bookstore Chains
- Stores like Barnes & Noble and Borders Books often have public bathrooms. The ubiquity of these stores makes them good options as well. Their bathrooms generally aren’t too heavily trafficked, clean, and well-stocked, though I’ve seen exceptions.
- Department Stores
- Large department stores like Macy’s, JC Penny’s, and even some Targets have public restrooms. They aren’t always the cleanest, but are usually above-average. For an added bonus, if you can find a Nordstrom’s, you’re golden. Those guys take care of their restrooms well. Their bathrooms are like royalty compared to the commonfolk bathrooms of Sears.
- Colleges and Universities
- I wouldn’t recommend a grade or high school at all (that’s just creepy), but sometimes a higher-education facility can offer a building with public bathrooms. It has become rarer and rarer though, as many require some form of student identification. And with good reason. If I was a student there, I’m not sure I’d want some random person laying a stink in my school’s bathrooms.
- Government Buildings
- Most government buildings have metal detectors that ward off easy access. They also monitor suspicious activity, like someone snooping around for a bathroom. But I’ve seen some city halls that are totally open and have relatively clean facilities. Courts are not generally clean though; I guess criminals clog toilet bowls to get back at the system. Yes, stuffing a toilet bowl is the perfect way to stick it to The Man.
- Hospitals
- If you happen to be near a hospital, you can consider ducking into their hallways in search of a public restroom. The quality of care can vary significantly, as well as the difficulty of finding some restrooms. Also, you can’t help but wonder if you’re going to catch something while gracing their porcelain seats.
- Museums and Art Galleries
- Most museums and art galleries require a fee to enter. There are a few that are entirely free though, or waive their fees on certain days. You may have to wait in line at the more popular places and their facilities are just average. But when you’re done, you can take in some culture to replace the, uh, culture you just dumped.
- Bars and Restaurants
- Most of these places discourage non-patrons from using their facilities. In a crowded bar or restaurant, you could conceivably duck in without drawing too much attention though. Just pretend you are a patron, if possible. Fast food restaurants tend not to care as much as sit-down restaurants.
- Cafes
- Same as bars and restaurants, these places discourage non-patrons. They also have just one bathroom. So unless you are in truly dire straits and don’t mind the dirty stares & impatient knocks, this can be a last resort. Otherwise, you can just buy a cup of coffee. Just don’t bring it into the bathroom with you. Gross.
- Gas Stations
- I consider these an utter last-resort. They are usually filthy and not well-stocked. Just looking at the toilet bowl can give you herpes. But hey, when you gotta go, you gotta go.
- Parks
- Another utter last-resort. Some public parks have restrooms. They are usually filthy and not well-stocked, if at all. Plus, the toilet seats are usually cold and swarming with colonies of who-knows-what that might make it burn when you pee.
P.S. And yes, there’s an app for that. There are quite a few iPhone apps that will find restrooms near you. I haven’t found any to be that helpful yet, but hopefully over time, they will improve.
Categories:
Adulthood,
Best Of,
Breaking Up,
College,
Dating,
Flirting,
Getting Older,
Girls,
Guys,
Psychology,
TheoriesBeing a self-admitted geek, I’ve known many other geeks in my life. I’ve seen some grow up and become successes. And I’ve seen some grow up and become, for lack of a better word, players. Dangerous players.
Not players in the sense of metrosexual predators or greased-up Jersey Shore rejects. These guys are more clandestine. Girls don’t suspect they’re in the clutches of such a geek-turned-player until, well, sometimes never.
First, some background.
A geek-turned-player (GTP) grows up as an unpopular teen. He is the typical nerd, dork, dweeb, pick your favorite insult. In a phase where fitting in is so crucial, they stick out like a limb with gangrene. Though many make it through as strong, self-confident adults, this can foment into a deep psychosis for a few.
This bitterness can evolve in many ways. Some embody the taunts and turn them into strengths, such the skinny nerd who grows up to be a muscle-bound guy. Others harbor the acrimony until the acids melt away their relationships. Some do both.
A GTP is the latter; he does both. He also turns rejections from girls into a dictum of life: he wants to be a guy who can “get” all the girls who’ve rejected him. As you can imagine, a layer of misogyny pervades their actions. They want to get those girls, or girls in general, and hurt them.
Ironically, they overtly state a hatred of players, the guys who can go to any bar or club and get a phone number as easily as a mosquito can feed in a nudist colony. GTPs see themselves as the antithesis of the traditional player.
“I would never have a one-night stand,” they declare. “I will always honor and respect women.” Therein lies the danger of a GTP. Not only are they shattering hearts like a player, but they are unaware of it.
How do they get from geeks to heart-shattering GTPs?
After college, they tend to do well in their careers. They become white-collar workers and executives in well-paying jobs. They date a few girlfriends along the way who imbue them with some fashion sense. They may even start exercising and getting fit. To look at them now, you would never know they were scrawny four-eyed nerds in high school. Now, they look like intelligent, respectful, well-paid knights in shining armor.
At this age, these traits start to attract women in numbers not before experienced by these geeks. Where girls once ignored them, women are now being drawn to them like ants to molasses. And here they sit, happy as anteaters.
Much of this happens to average geeks, regardless of their proclivities. All sorts of sociological and biological factors play into this phenomenon. Single women in their twenties or thirties tend to seek men who are stable, financially, emotionally, etc., even if they didn’t seek those factors when they were younger.
That’s how I’ve lucked out, at least. Go sociological & biological factors!
The GTP differs from the average geek in his behaviors after meeting a girl. The GTP, flush with the exhilaration of meeting a girl, starts to behave like a traditional player. Despite his proclaimed position on one-night stands, his qualms melt away in the heat of passion.
Then he does it again. And again. And again. He starts to realize his sexual prowess and magnetism and begins to flaunt it openly, oftentimes to the chagrin of his peers. He believes himself to be God’s Gift to Women: he has all the qualities of a traditional player, along with money, status, and success. What girl wouldn’t want him?
However, he still puts on a veneer of respect. His misogynic beliefs are well-hidden. Women see him as a nice guy, even months or years after he has broken their hearts.
For the unfortunate, this heartbreak is infinitely worse than being with a player, because of the emotional connection made. Indeed, the GTP’s armament includes psychological weapons such as long, deep conversations, the kind that make women think about marriage and children.
Breaking up with a deadbeat player is one thing, breaking up with a potential husband and father of your children is another.
Deep inside, the GTP doesn’t see himself as a player, however. He still harbors a resentment of players and sees his actions as innocent. This belief reinforces the effectiveness of his weapons. Those long, deep conversations, as they are happening, are earnest and from the heart.
So what changes the morning after? Something subconscious. A switch flips. The emotional connection from last night fades as the excitement of new prey emerges. As soon as another woman starts up a conversation, the previous one is forgotten.
For the goal isn’t to meet a woman and start a wonderful relationship. The goal is to meet women. And to see if he can “get” them. The exhilaration of each new encounter has become a drug.
This is something the GTP never experienced as a teen. He never got the intoxication of fleeting puppy love out of his system like others his age. While most of us are moving on in stable relationships, he is stuck. He is a late bloomer who is addicted to the high of new women.
I haven’t seen much written about this phenomenon before. I suspect it is, thankfully, rare. However, I’ve seen it enough times to discern to articulate this theory.
The popularization of geek culture may be partly responsible for the rise of the geek-turned-player. Or maybe it has always been around and I’ve only begun to notice it.
Whatever the case, the GTP is a dangerous animal on the dating scene. I’ve seen female friends unknowingly wrecked from them. I’ve seen colleagues & acquaintances evolve into GTPs themselves. The result is always disastrous, especially for the women they’ve left in their wake.
Beware the geek-turned-player.
“People who speak in absolutes absolutely bug me.”
- Me
I don’t take kindly to extremists. Especially those with a public platform. Such public speakers strive to polarize their listeners with provoking rhetoric. This can be dangerous in the minds of those who are easily influenced and in a position to inflict harm on others.
An extremist is a person who holds an extreme opinion to the point of disregarding facts that may refute the opinion or support a counter argument. The extremist will never admit this, of course. In that person’s mind, counter-arguments carry no weight and should be dismissed, no matter the strengths of the facts. Extremists may further harbor the paranoia that an opposing group released such facts as part of a conspiracy against the extremist’s point of view.
A person with a strong opinion differs from an extremist in the severity of the belief and the actions the extreme opinion propels. Strong opinions can ultimately be changed if there is enough supporting evidence to the contrary. Extreme opinions, by this definition, cannot, and may even be strengthened with fanatical zeal.
Many will argue with me about the danger of extremists. “What’s wrong with passionate devotion to a particular opinion,” they ask. “Without such passion, some of the world’s greatest art would not exist.” Neither would war, for that matter.
A stronger counter-argument is: “Humans are hard-wired for extreme opinions. It is in our nature.” That I cannot deny. It doesn’t change my opinion of extremists, but I realize it is futile to do much more than rant on my lowly website about them. And to avoid them, as I tend to do.
Another good counter-argument: “Isn’t this an extreme opinion against extremists?” Heh, funny. This opinion is not an extreme one. I don’t take kindly to extremists, but I do realize their contributions to society. Art is definitely one. Books, music, movies; some of the most moving creative works are born of intense passion.
The extremists I don’t like are those with a public platform and the desire to use their influence to inflict harm on others. History is littered with such examples. Adolf Hitler and Osama bin Laden are two infamous examples in the Western world. And unfortunately, I’m sure there will be many more in the future.
There are also many less heinous examples. Broadcast and cable television have given many the ability to reach millions in their own homes. The Internet has exponentially expanded that reach, though extremists on television still seem to have more influence than those on the Internet, for whatever reason. That will most certainly change in the future.
Bill O’Reilly is an easy example, though he would argue that he is not an extremist (or extreme conservative) and prefers to be labeled a “traditionalist.” He does have a public platform however: the O’Reilly Factor.
For better or worse, he is media savvy enough to know how to exploit this medium. The economics of television programs means those with the highest ratings stay on the air. In order to continue the survival of his show, he has to maintain high ratings. One of the most effective ways to do this is through sensationalism. And what is more sensational than a pundit shouting his polarizing views with fanatical zeal?
A show that carefully weighed both sides of an issue would not score high ratings, sadly. Most political issues are so complex that it would take hours to explain them all. No major media conglomerate would risk the loss of advertising revenue from such programming. (Thank goodness for NPR and PBS. Too bad more people don’t listen & watch them.)
Therefore, short sound bites about a particular political topic coupled with polarizing rhetoric is the best way to incite an audience and encourage them to tune in again and again. The end goal isn’t to disseminate the facts effectively; it is to cultivate a viewing audience.
Therein lies the danger of extremists. An extremist in isolation is not going to cause any harm, but an extremist with the ability to spread that opinion to millions could.
Let’s return to Bill O’Reilly again. In 2005, O’Reilly publicly denounced Dr. George Tiller on his television show. Dr. Tiller is a physician known for performing second and third trimester abortions. O’Reilly referenced the doctor as “Tiller the baby killer” multiple times across multiple shows. There is anecdotal evidence that this rhetoric may have influenced Dr. Tiller’s murder at the hands of Scott Roeder.
It isn’t fair to say O’Reilly directly led to Dr. Tiller’s death. The correlation is weak at best. But just as conservatives argue that heavy metal music and video game violence leads to violent behavior amongst teens, many have drawn a connection between O’Reilly’s words and Roeder’s actions.
Roeder has a history of mental illness. At 20, he was diagnosed with possible schizophrenia. His ex-wife believed he was suffering from bipolar disorder. He has also been involved with extremist organizations such as the Sovereign Citizen Movement (an anti-government organization) and the Army of God (an anti-abortion organization that believes murdering doctors that perform abortions is justifiable homicide).
It is fair to say that Roeder has a predisposition for violence in line with his extreme views. It is also fair to say that David Leach, another Army of God member and publisher of the anti-abortion newsletter Prayer & Action News (another example of an extremist with a public platform) had more influence on Roeder’s state of mind than O’Reilly did. But unfortunately for O’Reilly, he is more famous than Leach and therefore more influential on the nation as a whole. This is why he caught a lot of criticism for his statements, especially calling the doctor “Tiller the baby killer.”
In my opinion, no, O’Reilly did not directly contribute to Roeder’s murderous actions. But his influential voice did amplify Tiller’s demonization. Even journalist Gabriel Winant asserted that O’Reilly’s anti-Tiller tirades contributed to an atmosphere of violence around the doctor.
The influence of public extremists is strong, much stronger than many realize. With more and more Americans turning to commercials (yes, it’s true) and television shows for their political education, programs like The O’Reilly Factor and The Daily Show (I’m not biased here, even Jon Stewart holds tremendous and potentially dangerous sway) are becoming mouthpieces for political parties, whether they like it or not.
Since both sides resort to short, catchy sound bites instead of verbose, drawn-out arguments, the viewing public is in danger of falling sway to extremists with public platforms — especially those who are easily influenced and in a position to inflict harm on others.
I’m getting married!
My fiancee and I just attended our first premarital counseling session the other day. We don’t have any particular problems or issues. Premarital counseling is just something that is recommended to all engaged couples. It brings up common problem areas for couples, such as finances, children, in-laws, etc. These are all topics we’ve discussed before, but we figured it wouldn’t hurt to try this out.
The verdict from our first session: We are an awesome couple! We have lots of the traits of long-lasting relationships. Woo hoo!
Okay, okay, enough bragging.
The session taught us some interesting relationship concepts. They may seem obvious when you read them, but it’s fascinating to think of them within the frameworks they provide.
The Five Love Languages
According to Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the book, “The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts
,” there are five basic ways that people give and receive love:
- Words of Affirmation – Offering unsolicited compliments and saying affectionate things
- Quality Time – Sharing your time and undivided attention
- Receiving Gifts – Giving thoughtful, meaningful gifts
- Acts of Service – Helping out around the house and doing thoughtful deed
- Physical Touch – Holding hands, giving hugs, and offering physical affection
Each of us has a preferred way of showing our love for someone. At the same time, each of us has a different way of interpreting love from our partner. Happy couples tend to be ones that communicate their love in ways that match their partners’ preferences. Fortunately, these methods of communication can be taught and learned.
For example, if the husband tends to demonstrate love through giving gifts and the wife interprets love as words of affirmation, then the mismatch may cause the wife to think the husband does not love her.
Simultaneously, if the wife prefers to show her love with words (sometimes, but not always, the way we interpret love is the same as the way we communicate it), while the husband interprets love through physical touch, then the husband may think the wife does not love him.
This tragic mismatch can be salvaged by understanding how each person prefers to give and receive love. The husband can save his money and resolve to compliment her and say “I love you” more often. The wife can add hugs and shoulder rubs to her repertoire of love.
The Circle of Care
According to Dr. Carmen Knudson-Martin and Dr. Anne Rankin Mahoney, authors of the book, “Couples, Gender, and Power: Creating Change in Intimate Relationships
,” there are four areas where gender and power issues can effect relationships:
- Emotional Attunement – How in tune, sympathetic, and empathic one is with the other
- Influence – How much one is able to change the other’s mind
- Vulnerability – How much one is able to show and express vulnerability with the other
- Relationship Responsibility – How much one takes responsibility for maintaining the health of the relationship
Typically, men are not taught to be emotionally attuned, show vulnerability, or take much responsibility in maintaining relationships. By that same token, women are typically taught to let men influence the decisions in the relationship. Although these are just stereotypes, more often than not, these gender roles persist.
Problems arise because the burden of maintaining the relationship falls upon the woman. This can lead to anger and resentment over time. Long-lasting relationships tend to have a balance of these four areas, according to Dr. Knudson-Martin and Dr. Mahoney’s research.
This means husbands should strive to understand and be sympathetic to their wives, especially when their wives just want to vent and not problem-solve (which men tend to do whenever they hear a problem). Husbands should also feel comfortable sharing their emotions and asking for help.
At the same time, wives should share in making decisions for the couple, speaking their mind with the understanding that the husband will listen and respect their opinions.
Premarital Counseling
Some of you are nodding your heads as you read this. Others are scratching your chins and going, “I don’t know about that…”
I’m no marriage expert. This is just what we’ve been told. They are interesting frameworks for long-lasting relationships and marriages, however, and definitely have merit. And I’m not just saying that because my fiancee and I share many of these traits (we are so awesome! Woo hoo!).
Okay, okay, enough with the bragging. We’ve still got more sessions to take and a lot more to learn. I should see how the rest of the premarital counseling sessions go before I boast anymore.
Turns to fiancee. Winks. Woo hoo!
I love dogs. I grew up with dogs, have a dog right now, and would love it if I could raise my kids with dogs around because they make great companions and can teach them about being responsible when they’re older.
I also believe that pets are pets. They are a part of the family, but they are not human and it can be dangerous to treat them as such. Doing so can lead to the kinds of behavior you see on The Dog Whisperer. In my opinion, the better you understand a dog’s psychology (and realize it is not the same as human psychology), the happier the dog will be.
Not everyone shares this opinion, of course. There are extremes along the pet sentiment spectrum — those that hate pets a little too much and those that love pets a little too much. Bewilderingly, I’ve been running into these extremes lately.
The Pet Haters
These people hate pets. They may have a traumatic history with a dog or cat, were raised to be weary of pets, or have a genuine disdain for animals. As you can imagine, they typically aren’t vegetarians. At least, I haven’t met any vegetarian Pet Haters yet.
Around these people, you can’t bring your pets. They’ll shriek, shrill, and shrink back in horror. For all the cuteness you think your furry little friend has, they’ll see nothing but four legs of unpredictable fearsomeness. Even tame, well-behaved pets cannot break their shell of hate.
Some Pet Haters have an additional annoying trait: They go out of their way to reveal the extent of their hate. Woe to the dog owner who crosses the path of a Pet Hater while on an afternoon walk. The vitriol from such Pet Haters can be caustic.
The Pet Parents
These people love pets. They consider pets to be their actual children, sans the college education bill. The entire pet industry has thrived on such consumers, especially luxury services such as pet spas, pet restaurants, and pet airlines (it’s true, it exists!).
Michael Schaffer’s book “One Nation Under Dog” discusses how pets have become substitutes for children in millions of households. They could be single and only have pets to come home to, be married and cannot have children, or have children and give their pets the majority of their attention. These pet owners even refer to themselves as the Mommy or Daddy to their pets. (Note: My fiance and I use this label for ourselves in regards to our dog, though we don’t honestly view him as our child.)
Some Pet Parents have an additional annoying trait: They go out of their way to share the extent of their love. If you don’t care for your pet in a manner congruent to the love their lavish on their pets, they will brand you a bad, bad Mommy or Daddy.
The Pet Experts
There is a third dimension to this pet sentiment spectrum. These people love pets, but essentially regard them as animal companions that require strict rules and training. You’ll know you are in the presence of a Pet Expert if you catch one quoting Cesar Milan. (Note: I know I’ve done this a few times and am deeply, deeply sorry for my arrogance. I’ll never do it again.)
You’ll find that some Pet Experts may actually be very well-read on the subject of pets. They may be veterinarians, animal control officials, or animal shelter administrators. But just as easily, you’ll find novices that watch only The Dog Whisperer for their canine proficiency.
Some Pet Experts have an additional annoying trait: They go out of their way to pronounce their expertise. If they see you holding the leash incorrectly, you’d better stand back so their angry spittle doesn’t get in your eye. Watch out for Pet Parent / Pet Expert hybrids. Those are the worst.
How to Handle These Extremists
You’ve probably noticed a common theme here. Within each of these types exists people who go out of their way to tell you their opinions. As you may surmise, that is the crux of the problem. Everyone has and is entitled to an opinion on pet ownership. The problem arises when those people express their contempt for others who don’t share their opinions.
I don’t have any contempt for them as individuals. But I do have contempt for their arrogant behavior.
The same patterns exist for children as well. If you are a new parent, I’m sure you’ve encountered people who hate children, people who love their children to the point of spoiling them, and people who believe they know better than others on child care.
I’m sure you also have no problem with their views. It’s when they get in your face and shout their views at you that it becomes unnecessary drama.
So what can you do? I know of some who are always up for a good fight and push right back. I’ve seen more than a few heated arguments at dog parks to know these are fairly common.
I’ve tried that tactic. It only left me frustrated and my day ruined. The argument had no winners, only two people who walked away angry the other person didn’t share their opinions.
So what can you do? I say imagine that person in their underwear. Or a clown suit. Or in a hot dog costume being chased by hungry dogs. Laugh at their ridiculousness and walk away. You’ll never be able to change an extremist’s mind. Trying to do so is like doing math with bubblegum; it’s impossible.
Then go home and play with your pet. Pet therapy is the best cure for unnecessary drama.
Life is more complex than you realize. This is not your fault. If you were to constantly think about the world’s full complexities, you would go mad.
In order to cope with life’s complexities, the mind creates mental shortcuts. Take the simple decision of choosing which toothpaste to purchase.
Do you know how many choices of toothpaste exist? Lots. Head to your local pharmacy and peruse the dental care isle. You will be greeted by all types of toothpaste with varying mixes of components in a wide range of packages manufactured by a dizzying array of companies.
How do you know which is the best to purchase? Or the most cost-effective?
You could research each one. Look at the components each uses, study scientific papers on toothpaste, and read studies on their effectiveness. With new studies being done all the time, you would have to keep up constantly. Or you could conduct tests of your own, buying new tubes and retesting each time a new product is released.
Now multiply this with other household items. Shampoo. Soap. Laundry detergent. Milk. Bread. Salt. Pepper. Batteries. Light bulbs. Screwdrivers. Toilet paper. Towels. Bedding. I could go on and on and on.
For something as relatively trivial as toothpaste or toilet paper, the amount of time and money spent on such research would outweigh the benefits of choosing the absolute best choice. Common yet inexpensive commodities such as these just don’t justify such a mental investment.
Therefore, we take a mental shortcut and purchase a familiar brand. Or whatever is on sale. Or whoever’s package attracts our eye. A good enough choice is, well, good enough.
Mental shortcuts aren’t used for all purchases, however. Buying a house or car would indeed justify such a mental investment. Expensive quality items can be had cost-effectively if enough research is done.
Mental shortcuts also don’t just apply to commerce. Prejudice is a mental shortcut. When meeting someone new, your mind instantly creates an impression based on that person’s appearance and external factors, such as situation, context, etc. Your mind does this whether you are conscious of it or not. Factors such as age, gender, ethnicity, clothing, and body language are all considered.
There is even evidence that your impression within the first minute can be fairly accurate. A study by psychology professors Nalini Ambady & Robert Rosenthal found that strangers can provide accurate evaluations of high school teachers after watching “thin slices” of their performances. These thin slices were anywhere from six to thirty seconds.
If you’ve read Malcolm Gladwell’s book Blink, the term thin slicing will sound familiar. He also cites a study by John Gottman who demonstrated that he was able to watch a fifteen-minute thin slice of a married couple and predict the likelihood of divorce in fifteen years with 90% accuracy.
Robert Cialdini’s book Influence even articulates how mental shortcuts can be used against consumers by salespeople. For instance, in certain circumstances, consumers who commit to buying something are more likely to honor that commitment, even when the price is raised at the last minute. Once they have made that commitment, their minds automatically work towards the conclusion of the transaction, even if some of the factors change.
Another consequence of a mental shortcut is the polarization of beliefs. It is easier to take a simplified, extreme stance on a belief than to study and understand its full, detailed spectrum.
The political landscape in the US has recently been reduced to Red States and Blue States. This polarization makes it easier for voters and politicians to declare their allegiances, as demonstrated in the documentary, Split: A Divided America. Red or Blue. Republican or Democrat. Conservative or liberal.
But issues are never black or white. They are shades of gray. Let’s take business regulation as an example. At the extremes, history has shown that a completely hands-off approach generally leads to monopolies, while a completely hands-on approach generally leads to overregulation. The healthiest choice would seem to be somewhere in the middle. But within typical political rhetoric, if you don’t side with an extreme, you are considered a weak politician.
However, such polarized viewpoints win votes. Correction: polarized viewpoints enhanced by memorable sound bites win votes. Politicians are learning to be more media savvy because their campaigns are relying more on their funding prowess. More funding equals more ads, which equals more sound bites, which equals potentially more votes.
Why? Because most Americans are too busy to follow every political discussion closely nowadays. The topics are too complex. Therefore, they use the mental shortcut of gathering information whenever it happens to appear to them – such as in advertising. Another unfortunate consequence of a necessary mental shortcut.
This doesn’t mean mental shortcuts are harmful. Without them, you’d spend all of your time trying to decide which toothpaste to buy. Or whether a salesperson is trying to cheat you. Or whether your political affiliations accurately effect your true beliefs. Ignorance of the details, especially in a busy world, can be bliss.
However, too much reliance on mental shortcuts can make you a pawn to those who know how to exploit you. And exploit you they will. They will take advantage of the efficiency of a mental shortcut to influence your sale, vote, or decision. But this doesn’t have to be the case. Knowledge can be your defense, as well as an awareness of mental shortcuts.
Like Cialdini’s book writes, and as G.I. Joe says, “And knowing is half the battle.”
Hey guys, are you stressin’ about being romantic? Can’t think of how? Don’t want to follow the typical tactics espoused by Halmark and Hollywood? Or just questioning the whole concept?
Here is a definition of romance that may help lend perspective:
Romance is an act of intimate affection committed unexpectedly towards your love interest and without desire for personal gain.
Let’s take that statement apart to decipher its meaning. Romance is…
- an act
- Actions speak louder than words. Perhaps you can talk like Cassanova, but if you only talk about your feelings and never demonstrate it through a physical act, than your feelings are just a bunch of hot air.
- of intimate
- Though this term can carry a lot of baggage, the semantic usage I prescribe here is of an understanding of your love interest. Do you know something about that person that no one else knows? Do you know something personal and meaningful to that person? Hopefully you do if you have been listening and paying attention. The heart of a romantic act is showing that you are so interested in this person that you remember details of his/her life and interests.
- affection
- Your romantic act ought to be one of adoration, fondness, even passion. It should be a display of your feelings towards your love interest and make him/her feel good. Bringing up that person’s history of weight problems, however personal and intimate, is not an act of affection, for instance.
- committed unexpectedly
- This act should to carry some measure of surprise. Certain holidays and landmarks, like Valentine’s Day, birthdays, anniversaries, etc, are loaded with expectation, of course. But romance does not need to exist only on those days. Small random acts of kindness can sometimes be more romantic than flowers and chocolate on Valentine’s Day.
- towards your love interest
- This should be the person with whom you have a genuine attractiveness and desire to know better, of course. Duh.
- and without desire for personal gain
- Some may argue that guys in particular only commit romantic acts for a physical return on investment, so to speak. True romance does not ask for anything in return, however. It is done selflessly and for the benefit of the love interest. Perhaps the only selfish gain is to see a smile on the other person’s face.
There are countless definitions of romance. I’m sure you have a way to express romance that is just as effective and beautiful. This is just mine.
How would you define romance?
