Mother’s Milk
Ever notice how Newly Made Fathers have a tendency to talk about their wives’ bodily functions as normal, everyday conversation?
“You spent all night trying to find a fix to that browser bug? That’s nothing compared to what I did last night. When my wife’s vagina dilated, I had to reach in and clear her engorged uterine canal as embryonic fluid poured all over my lap.”
So let me share with you one such conversation, because misery loves company. Naturally, I’ll choose a conversation on breasts.
“Not getting much sleep lately, huh?” I asked, noticing the deep rings under the poor guy’s eyes.
“Yea. Only three hours last night. But it’s usually my wife who walks up to take care of the baby.”
“Yea? Lucky man.”
“She’s got to feed him, that’s why.”
“Ah. Lucky break for you then.”
“Yea. Though maybe in a few weeks she’ll be able to fill up some baby bottles with her breast milk so I could feed him too.”
“Wow,” I blinked. I wasn’t entirely sure how to respond to that.
“That breast milk is amazing. You know that a mother will produce exactly the right kind of milk for her child?”
“Really?”
“Yea. Somehow, through some unspoken communication, a mother’s milk will release more antibodies if her child is sick.”
“So telepathy is real, huh?”
“I think it’s through the child’s saliva as he’s breast feeding. That, or hormones.”
“Mmm, I see.”
“I really envy that connection that women have with their babies.”
“I once saw on TV a body harness-like contraption that a guy can strap so he’ll have fake boobs that be filled with milk, so a guy feed a baby too,” I added.
“Wow! That would be great! I would totally love something like that. I’ve had no luck trying natural breast feeding.”
“Natural… wha? You mean you… tried… breast feeding from… yourself?”
“Yup. It hurt a bit and nothing came out.”
I grimaced and rubbed my nipples. “Damn man, I’d imagine not. Men don’t have milk glands!”
“I’ve heard that sometimes guys do.”
“Daaamn. You must love your baby a lot to have tried something like that.”
“Heh. Yea. I’ve even heard that some mothers have the ability to produce even more milk if they hear their child crying. Their breasts just naturally get larger and more full of milk.”
Mmm. Larger.”
“And the funny thing is, they’ll do this even if they hear another baby crying. The story I heard talks about a mother in a supermarket who hears a baby crying in the next isle. Her breasts suddenly begin to lactate and her blouse gets all wet.”
“Whoa! She just started lactating like that? Didn’t need a, uh, squeeze or anything?”
“Nope. It just started dripping out.”
“Damn.”
“Yup. Pretty crazy stuff, huh?”
“Yea, I had no idea there was so much to breasts. Can’t say I envy women at all.”
“You may, one day, when you’re a father. A mother’s milk is pretty amazing.”
Would you want to breast-feed your baby?
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