Oct
24
1999

Making Brain Fricassee with Just a Cell Phone

Categories: Stupidness, Technology

Beep beep beep beep beep! “Hello? Oh, hi Jake. Yea, I’m watching a movie right now. Uh huh. So what’s up?”

Imagine hearing that while sitting in a crowded movie theater while the movie is still playing. How utterly annoying.

Whenever I hear that, I just start thinking of red hot sewing needles and poking them into the eyeballs of annoying people talking on cell phones during movies or conferences or speeches and shouting, “How do ya like that, huh? How do ya like that? Yea, punk, that’s right! My fist, your face. Right in the face, punk, right in the face!” Mu-hah hah hah hah hah!

Ahem. ‘cuse me. Got a bit carried away there.

What I was trying to say is that I rather dislike hearing a cell phone ring in an inappropriate place. It’s inconsiderate with a capital I and N and C and O and N and S and I and D and E and R and A and T and E. INCONSIDERATE.

Mobile electronic communications can be a remarkable thing for our generation. Your family, friends, and other important people can reach you anywhere, anytime. Have an emergency and need to get in touch with someone quickly? Cell phones and beepers are your answer.

They’ve also been a wonderfully helpful instrument in highway accidents where public telephones aren’t available. Good Samaritans with cell phones can dial up 911 whenever they spot trouble.

This also reduces the usage of public phones, thus decreasing the shared earwax build-up problems that our nation’s public phones face. Truly. Just pick up the receiver of a public phone one day and take a look at it. Earwax build-up. Chunks of it, solidified, adhering to the receiver like mold on grandma. It’s disgusting. Truly.

But there’s a dark side to this communications revolution.

And this dark side isn’t as cool as a double-edged lightsaber held by a pro-wrestler with horns and red and black face paint turned evil. For instance, did you know that your brain is being cooked each time you use a cell phone?

Yup. Cooked. Your head is the microwave and your brain is the leftover pot roast.

Though it’s not conclusive yet, there’s some suspicion that using a cell phone can cause brain cancer. A cell phone’s invisible waves pass right through your head and, consequently, your brain.

But don’t go throwing away your Nokia yet. There have been reports that this “brain warming” may actually be good for you, in short doses. These waves can warm your brain slightly, causing it to send off electrical impulses quicker. This can effectively make you smarter for short periods of time.

What does that mean for cell phone users? Well, the next time you need to do some serious brainstorming, strap your phone to your noggin and start calling up all of your friends. In no time, you’ll be chatting away, totally forgetting about all the serious brainstorming you need to do.

And then you’ll lose your job and sink into a pit of depression and despair, until the time you die and decompose in the earth, thus providing food for maggots that will grow up to become flies so they can be eaten by birds who will in turn be eaten by cats and thus continuing the great chain of life.

So while I certainly can’t knock the enormous benefits of mobile communications (especially the one about reducing our nation’s earwax build-up issues), one should most certainly be aware of the disadvantages. Like getting my fist in your face if you let your damn phone ring in a movie theater. That’s right, punk, right in the face.

. . .

What annoys you about cell phones?

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