I used to wonder: what if watermelons really grew in your belly if you ate watermelon seeds?

I'd have a garden of watermelons in my gut right now. Grapes and oranges and apples too. Cut me open and you'd get a whole fruit salad.

Which would be pretty cool. Growing food in my gut, I mean; not cutting me open. If I ever got hungry, I could reach down my throat and grab an apple. I could vomit an orange and feed the homeless. I could even spit in the dirt and plant new fruit trees everywhere, like Johnny Appleseed.

I'd totally be, like, Michael Fruitsaladseed.

Maybe vomiting and spitting fruit out is kind of nasty. But hey, how else am I supposed to get them out? The other direction is, uh, a lot less palatable. Like, really.

Having watermelons grow in my belly could be weird though. I'd look pregnant for sure. A typical day at work:

"Hey Mike, you retaining water there?"

"Sure, if you mean water-melons! Ha!"

"Ha!" High-five.

Unfortunately, I wouldn't be able to vomit watermelons easily. At least, not whole. Birthing them through the fanny canal would be just as bad. Even smaller fruit like apples and oranges would be painful. Just think of the apple stem! Ouch!

Now that I'm thinking through this logically (as if there's logic in fruit growing in a stomach), I wouldn't need to vomit out the fruit to eat it. I'd basically be putting the fruit right back in. What's the use in that?

And yes, there's the whole digestive juices thing. No sunlight, no soil, those sort of details. How could they grow? What would the roots cling on to? Don't fruit plants need oxygen too? So many questions, so little time.

But I can still wonder, can't I? And pooping out whole grapes wouldn't be as bad.

"Hey Mike, you retaining water there?"

"Stop asking me that, will you?" Bends over.

"What are you doing man?"

Starts shooting grapes at coworker out of ass. Rat-tat-tat-tat!

"Ow! What are you… Oh gross! Ow!"

. . .

What do you think would happen if watermelons really grew in your belly from watermelon seeds?