"Oops!" Kathy yelped. Her expression froze as her eyes searched the food court, making sure no one saw the blob of ketchup that just landed on her left boob.

I looked over and grinned. Kathy's eyes slowly drifted downward. With the burger still halfway in her mouth, she stared sadly at the red dot on her white t-shirt. "Oops!" she muttered again.

I grabbed a handful of napkins and was about to wipe them when her Decency & Discretion Warning System came to order and snatched the napkins from my hand. She caught the look of confusion in my eyes. "Um, it's probably best you don't rub my boobs in public," she whispered. Blushing, I handed her more napkins.

She giggled as she soaked up the majority of the ketchup. "I should wear a bib!" she joked.

I threw on my Dutiful Boyfriend Cap and got up. "I'll look for some seltzer water for you," I declared.

She beamed me a gracious smile. "Thanks!"

I scanned the fast food outlets for a booth that had seltzer water. Passing several by, I approached a Chinese food shop. "Excuse me?" I asked the old man behind the counter. He looked up and stared at me through his thick glasses. "I was wondering if you have any seltzer water?"

"Wah?" he asked.

"Seltzer water?"

"Wah?"

I sensed didn't know what seltzer water was. "Soda water?"

"Soda? You want Coke?"

"Soda water. Clear soda water. Not Coke."

"Soda? You want soda?"

I decided to go for another approach. "My girlfriend just spilled some ketchup on her shirt and she needs to get the stain out. So I need some…" I paused and scratched my chin. "…some bubbly water. Like soda, with bubbles, but without any syrup. Just the carbonated water itself."

"Ah, water!" he shouted and went over to the soda machine. He filled a small cup and handed it to me with a smile.

I looked down into the cup. It was regular water. "Um, thanks," I muttered and walked away.

I continued down the food court, taking sips of the water. The next booth was a bar. Two ladies were behind the counter, engaged in an animated conversation. I finished the water in two gulps and approached them.

"Excuse me; I was wondering if you have any seltzer water? My girlfriend just spilled some ketchup on her shirt and needs to get the stain out."

"Ah!" one said, holding up a finger. "Say no more."

Then, with the precision of a military drill sergeant, she filled a cup with seltzer water and handed me a disposable washcloth. I hadn't even considered a washcloth. These ladies knew exactly what a ketchup stain needed.

"Thanks!" I hollered.

"Anytime! Good luck with her stain!" they replied. I hustled back to my girl.

As I returned, I saw Kathy struggling with a handful of napkins. I handed her the seltzer water and washcloth. She beamed a "Thank you!" with her eyes. Then, with a big smile and a few giggles, she began working at the stain.

Seltzer water is amazing on stains. I don't know what kind of magic it holds, but it works. You could put seltzer water on Gorbachev's head and rub the red mark from his scalp.

Her efforts left a noticeably large patch of sheer wetness on her white t-shirt, right around her left boob. She looked down and pouted, trying to dry it up with a napkin. Then she looked up at me and said, "Thanks honey! That was so sweet!"

"You don't have to thank me," I answered. "Just stop trying to dry your shirt. That patch of wet t-shirt is thanks enough!"

. . .

Have you ever had to hunt for seltzer water?