Jimmy's Fulfillment Theory
September 9th, 2007"I think I know why people cheat."
"Oh?" I looked up from my lunch. "Do tell."
Jimmy cleared his throat. "Okay, here it goes."
He put his fork down and leaned back in his chair.
"In every relationship, people's needs are fulfilled in varying levels. 50%. 60%. If your relationship fulfills 80% of your needs, then you're one lucky son of a bitch. It's unrealistic to expect that a relationship will fulfill you a full 100%.
"Let's, for argument's sake, say that a woman is being fulfilled 80% of the time. She's very happy. Then along comes another guy. They become friends and he fulfills the other 20%.
"Over time, she starts to think: Hey, this guy is pretty cool. He does all the things my boyfriend/husband doesn't do. So she cheats on him with this other guy.
"Now say she leaves her boyfriend/husband for this guy. After a while, she discovers that this guy only fulfills her 20%. That's a bad deal, right? Because she just dumped an 80% for a 20%. Or even if this new guy is 60%, that's still not 80%."
I nodded. "Interesting theory man! I totally agree that it's very difficult to get 100% from any relationship. And that's why everyone needs their own friends, even in a relationship. Like, your girlfriend may give you lots of support and companionship, but then you also need your drinking buddies for when you want to clown around and talk about stupid shit."
"Exactly!" Jimmy waved his arms about emphatically. "Some girls believe too strongly in trying to find a man who gives them a full 100%. But that's almost impossible! Or at least, super rare."
"You know, I can see this principle applying to other things. Like with work. Say your job only fulfills 80% of your needs. Your job is great, but it doesn't give you a creative outlet. So you fulfill that other 20% elsewhere, perhaps with freelance work or weekend hobbies."
"Totally man! That's exactly how it works."
"But say…" I scratched my chin. "Say the woman is being fulfilled only 50% and meets another guy who could potentially fulfill more. Like 60%. Couldn't, or shouldn't she switch over then?"
Jimmy shrugged. "True, I guess she could. I don't want to advocate cheating, but I guess she would be better off with the other guy than."
"I definitely don't want to advocate cheating either. Also, how could the woman really know that another guy could fulfill more? How could anyone ever know? It's just as likely that the new person could fulfill only 50% also. Or less."
Jimmy nodded and ate a forkful of Kung Pao chicken.
"You've heard of the 80/20 rule, right?"
He nodded. "I was just thinking about that too."
"How would that apply here?"
"Good question." Jimmy swallowed. "So the 80/20 rule says that 80% of your needs are filled by 20% of your actions, or something like that, right? So what if the 80% for the woman is just unimportant stuff, and her really important needs are the 20% that the other guy is fulfilling? Then the other guy is really the one fulfilling the more important aspects of her life.
"But if that important 20% is already within her 80%, then that other guy is just providing 20% fluff. If she dumped her boyfriend/husband for the other guy, she'd be totally sorry. Hmm." Jimmy paused and arched his brow. "Does that make sense?"
"Totally man. Good theory here. Deep stuff. What do you call your theory?"
"Call it?"
"You need a name for it."
"Oh." Jimmy scratched his head. "Maybe the Fulfillment Theory or the Cheating Theory. Hmm. I really don't like the Cheating Theory, because that sounds bad. Plus, it's not just about cheating. Let's call it the Fulfillment Theory."
"Cool. Jimmy's Fulfillment Theory it is!"
What do you think of Jimmy's theory?
September 9th, 2007 at 3:05 pm
I like Jimmy's theory, though I think it's a bit too mathematically cut and dry for dealing with people. I don't think anyone really thinks about how much they're fulfilled in a relationship until things start going bad. If things aren't going bad, there's usually a lack of such contemplation. Many bad relationships continue on because of inertia and you don't realize something is missing because everything has been that way for so long. Then someone new comes along, and newness is always exciting because it wasn't there before. I think (and have no proof to back it up) that people get sucked in by the newness of a person, the accompanying excitement that comes with the newness.
I also believe (again, with no proof), that most people cheat in the hopes of getting caught so that they can ultimately leave the unfulfilling relationship. A lot of times it's hard to pull the trigger yourself, so you create a situation whereby the other person's hand will be forced. We've all been in relationships where it seemed like the other person was picking fights all the time…same thing.
I would never advocate cheating, but if someone fulfills your needs better, you definitely owe it to yourself to get out of your current relationship and move into a better one. The best way to do that is to be honest.
September 11th, 2007 at 9:39 am
@Nick, what, you mean people aren't like math?? We can't solve social problems with algorithms?? *gasp*
September 11th, 2007 at 5:14 pm
I concur with Jimmy, but here's my input:
Generally, we only agree to date seriously a person who fulfills at minimum 65% of our self-determined "needs."
Let's say Abbie (A) meets Bobbie (B) who fulfills exactly 65% of her needs. A will proceed to date B if, of all potential candidates for a romantic relationship, he fulfills the greatest percentage, which we're stating here to be 65%.
Now if A meets Cabbie (C) (not that I know of any male named Cabbie…) and C fulfills 35% of her needs — the other 35% that A does NOT fulfill, then in such a case, A will cheat on B with C.
So if B = 65% and C = the other remaining 35%, then A will cheat on B with C.
However, if say B is at 65% still but A meets Donnie (D) and Donnie fulfills more than 65% of all of A's needs. Then A will jump ship. A will almost inevitably leave B for D. Not cheat, but actually BREAK UP with B for D.
Even here, though, there's a distinction/threshold. If it's between 1% and 10% more than B (e.g., B = 65% and D = 71%), then A will actually FEEL BAD about what she's doing. Really bad. A will lag and stall and beat around the bush and have sleepless nights and feel guilt and grow a big bad conscience, etc. about it.
However, if D clears that threshold (e.g., B = 65% and D = 80%), then A will leave B for D and barely bat an eye. Lose sleep? Nah. Conscience? What's that?
Limitation to this rule: This rule only applies if A is a female and this pertains to a heterosexual relationship.
October 30th, 2007 at 1:54 pm
I like Jimmy's theory. Although, I doubt it would scale to say a girlfriend/wife that wants 120% out of their relationship.
In which case, a second partner would be warranted.