Is Honesty Always the Best Policy?
Short answer: Hells NO.
Long answer: It depends. Don’t lie to me and tell me you’re over your ex-boyfriend, then have me find a photo of him in your camera, taken two days ago, with him standing half-nekkid in your apartment. That kind of thing is what we call denial, or a Big Fat Lie. I’m just sayin’.
Or that rash you have on your cooch is from when you went for a pee in the woods and got poison ivy all up in there. Nuh uh, ain’t gonna buy that.
Outright lies like that are what can kill a relationship faster than Britney Spear’s cooch can appear on the Internet. (And what a funny word, “cooch”. Cooch cooch cooch.)
Trust is a major part of a successful relationship. Without it, there IS no relationship. The tricky thing about trust is that it’s hard to gain and easy to lose. That’s why an outright lie can crumble a relationship so quickly.
I’ve seen it before. Tragically, even in marriages. A friend’s parents were part of an arranged marriage back in China. Her father has a gambling addiction (like what Chinese guy doesn’t? Kidding!). He tries to hide it from her mother, but her mother is too smart for him. Over the years, a dance of lies and denial played out. The parents are now bitter, angry adults held together by a mere tradition.
Growing up in a household like this, my friend is utterly distrustful of anyone she meets. Her first instinct is to expect the person to lie to her.
That’s perhaps an extreme example of the horrors of dishonesty, but if you base your relationship on one outright lie, more are going to grow like weeds in a garden.
So when is honest not a good policy?
When she asks you, “Do these jeans make me look fat?”
Or, “Am I gaining weight?”
Or, Heaven forbid: “Do you think I’m becoming my mother?”
In those cases, LIE YOUR ASS OFF. Lie like you’ve never lied before. “No, I think you’re too skinny for those jeans.” “No, and omigosh, are you losing weight?” “No way, you’re a beautiful and talented individual; I think your mother would be so proud of what you’ve become, and if she doesn’t that’s because she doesn’t understand you for who you are. And oh, are you losing weight?”
Otherwise, you ain’t gettin’ any cooch cooch cooch.
. . .
Do you think honesty is always the best policy?
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If you don’t honestly think the woman you’re with is bar none beautiful, then you’re probably not right for her.
And if you think she is bar none beautiful, then there is no reason to ever not be honest with her for the questions you asked.
Q: Do these jeans make me look fat?
A: Uh…yeah, they do. Those jeans are awful! They’d even make an anorexic runway model look obese. You know those other so-and-so pants you have? Now those! Those look FANTASTIC on you!
Q: Am I gaining weight?
A: Hm, now that you mention it, a little bit. But I just figured it was because you’re so happy being with me. You need to gain a few pounds anyway. You were way too skinny before. I like my women healthy-looking.
Q: Do you think I’m becoming my mother?
A: In some respects, yeah. But I think you’re incredibly smart and have learned to grow into your own skin. You’re a remarkable and unique individual, but yeah, you definitely still have those moments when you’re *so* like your Mom. Which is cool. I like your Mom.
you crack me up… your style changed a bit, though.
@Akrypti: hey, those are pretty good answers! I can’t say I know many people (both girls and guys) who are secure enough to want totally honest answers though.
@brasilpop: hehe, thanks! And oh, interesting, how did my style change?
I actually think that, in any kind of serious relationship, it’s best to tell the truth even when it is uncomfortable. My mentality has always been, “if she’s the kind of woman to leave me for having my opinions, then she’s not the one for me.” That mentality helped me end up with a wife who is remarkably honest with herself and with others, and who appreciates that, and our relationship is very healthy as a result. Because I trust her to tell the truth, and she trusts me to do the same. When I say, “Those jeans look great on you,” (or anything else, for that matter) she knows I really mean it. When they don’t, I tell her, “No, they’re terrible. Back on the shelf, love,” and this builds credibility. The “culture of honesty” has helped us learn to be very open with our needs and feelings as well, which is a big part of a relationship that can withstand hardship and life changes successfully.
That being said, you can’t expect to be able to tell her that her jeans make her fat if you’re not willing to hear uncomfortable truths yourself. Ideally, a healthy relationship forces us to be more honest with ourselves, and in the context of your own skull, honesty certainly IS always the best policy!
Of course, in other contexts, it is often proper to lie, in my opinion. The nosy aunt asks if your sister is back with her ex-boyfriend. You know that she is, but it’s none of your aunt’s business, and your sister would rather not listen to her judgmental comments. Your aunt knows that you WOULD know, so “I don’t know” won’t cut it. A “No, I don’t think so,” is appropriate in that circumstance, even though it’s a lie.
Related: http://www.esquire.com/print-this/honesty0707?x
@Isaac, Hahahaha!! That’s an awesome link!
Personally, I’m a realistic idealist (or idealistic realist?). I want a relationship built on honesty, partly because I believe that’s necessary, and partly because I’m bad at lying (people can always tell when I’m not telling the truth).
Unfortunately I don’t always find that. But that’s why those relationships didn’t last.