I want a baby.

No wait, that's probably jumping too far ahead right now.

I should probably get a Practice Baby first. Just to practice on, before I get the real thing. So when I goof up, I can just shake 'im up like an Etch-A-Sketch and start over.

That way, I could experiment with different parental styles. First, I'd go with the strict traditional parental method of Tough Love.

Then I'd turn it down a notch. Maybe some Reward & Punishment with sprinkles of Spankings, mixed with a few ounces of Hugs & Kisses. I'd stop short of Spoiling Silly, of course.

But hmm. A Practice Baby probably isn't all that realistic, is it? Probably not. It's not like there's a Rent-A-Baby down the street that I could visit after work.

Hmm. I could go for a pet. Yea, that's what I'll do. Get a pet.

If I can housebreak a dog, it'll be a cinch to housebreak a baby, yea? Or, um, you're giving me that look again. Okay, maybe not.

But trying to train a pet ought to give me some good practice, right? I'll have to learn how to clean up poop, take him for walks, and teach him how to drink out of the toilet.

Wait, I don't want him to drink out of the toilet (both the dog and the baby). I'll have to train him how to use the toilet though (both the baby and the dog).

It's a lot of work, I know. That's why I need the practice.

Wouldn't that be great? If we could all get a Practice Baby to work with before diving into the real thing? How cool would that be?

Even professional baseball players take a few practice swings before stepping up to bat. If something that relatively simple gets practice, shouldn't something as complex as parenting require practice too?

. . .

Do you want a practice baby?