Mike Lee.org - Weekly Random Rambles, Musings & Writings of Mike Lee

One of the worst feelings in the world is regret. A blend of guilt and self-disgust with heaps of with sorrow and remorse, its putrid taste lingers on your tongue long after you've forced yourself to swallow.

"You shouldn't worry about the past," a friend said to me. "You can't change it; it's happened already. Think about the future."

I know. She's right. But human emotions rarely follow logic.

And right now, my brain isn't very logical.

I've done it twice. Once in high school, once in college.

Will was one of my first true friends. I remember him as one of the few kids who didn't make fun of me in elementary school. As the other kids would march out of the classroom, jeering "Chink chink" at me, Will would invite me to his house to play video games.

That was in elementary school. Then came high school and a new group of friends.

And this new group of friends didn't like Will.

I remember walking through the football field with Will one afternoon. I began to walk faster to get away from him.

"Why are you walking so fast?" he asked me.

"I just don't want to be late for class."

"But we have time." He paused. "Why don't you talk to me anymore? Are you mad at me?"

"No, I…" I stumbled on the words. "…I've just been busy lately."

Then I ran off to join my new friends, leaving him behind.

I have an excuse for this. People weren't exactly lining up to be my friend, so when a group of kids seemed to accept me in their group, I eagerly signed in, no matter the consequences to previous relationships.

I tried apologizing and explaining this to Will several years later when I ran into him again. He gave me a quick, "Oh, that's okay" but never returned my phone call. I don't blame him.

During college, I fell into a clique of girls who came from the same high school. I met one of them playing pool in our dorm and she introduced me to the rest of her friends. Soon, I was up in their room almost every weekend, watching movies, complaining about homework, and talking all night long.

Then I met my first girlfriend.

She wasn't part of that clique, and was somewhat uneasy that I hung around with a room full of girls.

One night, as I was helping the girls plan a party, one of them said, "Oh, too bad you can't come."

"What do you mean? Of course I can."

"No you can't. You're going to bail out on us, like you always do."

I looked around the room at them. They were all staring at me. "I… I… I'm sorry, I don't mean to. It's just that…"

"Yea, yea, yea. It's just that you have a girlfriend now and have no time for your friends."

After I finished helping them put up the decorations, I told them I'd be at the party.

Later that evening, I called them to apologize that I couldn't make it. They didn't ask why. They knew.

I have an excuse for this one too. Somewhere along the line, I made a decision between my girlfriend and those female friends. I chose my girlfriend because I thought that's what any good boyfriend would do.

I tried contacting these girls years later, to no avail. They've all gone their separate ways now, to different states and countries.

Sure, I have excuses for these actions. But I've got a better excuse.

I'm an idiot. A moron. A creep.

I made mistakes. Deep mistakes. And I deeply regret them.

But like my friend said, I can't change the past. All I can do now is to learn from my mistakes so that I will never make them again.

I haven't forgotten about these friends I once had. I hope they haven't forgotten about me.

Do you have any friendships you regret you've lost?