Jan
22
2006

Denver, CO

Categories: Learning, Traveling

There’s a particularly musky taint to your fart after you’ve had buffalo meat. This, and many other interesting facts, was what I learned on my very first visit to Denver, CO.

I also learned these fun facts:

  • Most of Denver folk are, in fact, not native to Denver. They are transplants who moved there from other parts of the country.
  • Denver is one of the most sunniest cities in the country. It receives nearly 300 days of sunshine every year.
  • Snow sports are such staple activities that there’s a Ski Train that regularly bring Denver folk back and forth from the slopes.
  • While most visitors will head to the ever-popular Vail and Aspen, Denver folk frequent the local favorites like Loveland and Winter Park, which end up being much less crowded by tourists.
  • Denver is more than 5000 feet above sea level. This can cause dizziness in some visitors. It can also cause greater intoxication from alcohol consumption. So if you get piss drunk from just a few beers in Denver, it’s not necessarily because you’re a lightweight. Although it could be. You lightweight.
  • Being a land-locked city, the air is also dry and arid. This can cause nosebleeds and dry skin too.
  • During a Denver Broncos game, almost the entire city becomes deserted, except for the football stadium and numerous sports bars.
  • Rattlesnake tastes just like chipotle sauce. No wait, that was what it was cooked in. I’m not too sure what rattlesnake tastes like exactly. But when served in a bowl of creamy chipotle sauce, that’s what it tastes like.
  • Elk tastes gamey, even with cranberries.
  • There is a huge billboard along the highway that reads: “Unleash your inner redneck”. These are people who are proud of their heritage and if you make any redneck jokes, they will reach for the shotgun rack on the back of their pick-ups and shoot you.
  • Some Denver folk are able to drink 30-40 beers a day. A day. One guy was trying to reach a new personal record of 60 beers a day. This meant cracking open his first beer at 8:00am and finishing the last one at 4:00am the next morning.
  • The city is full of vibrant, colorful culture, such as:
    • Frozen Dead Guy Day, where Denver folk dress up like a frozen dead guy to honor a, well, frozen dead guy. Some guy died and his grandson decided to cytogenetically freeze him. Only, the grandson didn’t have the money or the means to do this. So he did what any self-respecting, resourceful grandson would do in this situation—he threw his grandpa’s body in the shed and piled on a bunch of dry ice. Each year, the ice would melt and the body would decompose a bit, so the grandson had to continuously buy new batches of dry ice. Now imagine what this frozen dead guy looked like after several years with repetitive freezing & decomposition in a shed. Got the image? Now dress that way for a day. And that’s what you’ll see during Frozen Dead Guy Day: literally, armies of Night of the Living Dead wandering around the streets of Denver.
    • Mike the Headless Chicken, where a farmer chopped off the head of a chicken and happened to cut right above the brain stem. This meant the chicken lived. And live it did, for two whole years. The farmer kept the chicken alive by shoving water and grain down its exposed throat. He also paraded the chicken around for the world to see. Because, really, who wouldn’t get a kick out of a headless chicken? Then one day, the farmer accidentally shoved too much throat down Mike’s throat and it choked to death. A large headless chicken statue was erected in Mike’s honor. Pigeons now rest on the stub of Mike’s neck, making the large headless chicken statue look like it has a tiny pigeon head.
    • Outhouse Races, where enthusiastic competitors aim to build the fastest mobile outhouse this side of the Mississippi; or any side of it, in fact. Disappointingly, the outhouses aren’t fully functional. The driver just sits on a seat fashioned like a toilet bowl and looks out a hole in the door, while the crew pushes him down the street. It must be an awe-inspiring spectacle to see a gang of outhouses speeding past you, locked in a fierce battle of the wills. Mario Andretti eat your heart out.
. . .

Have you ever been to Denver, CO?

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