NOTE: This is a humor article and not a serious resource on how to deal with paranoia. If you're looking for real information, you can find some at Wikipedia, Schizophrenia.com, MindDisorders.com, or Mental Health Care. Take care.

Today's self-help topic: Dealing with Paranoia.

It's not everyday that you hear a grown man in the bathroom say (I really heard someone say this):

"Please go outside. I cannot make pee pee while you stand there."

What would make a grown man say that? What is he afraid of?

Is he afraid people will point and laugh? Is he afraid of the pressure of impatient eyes? Is he afraid the others will offer to help him "shake it off" with their dirty, unwashed hands, thereby passing unto him tiny gonorrhea bacteria that'll cause painful urinary discharges? Is the point of this whole paragraph merely so that I'll get the chance to write, "painful urinary discharges"?

Yes. But more importantly, this is a result of Paranoia.

Paranoia is defined by AllRefer.com as: "A term denoting persistent, unalterable, systematized, logically reasoned delusions, or false beliefs, usually of persecution or grandeur."

In other words, as you read this piece, my web server is tracking your every move, your every eyeball movement, your every thought. Tiny intelligent harvester nanobots have traversed the connection via HTTPS to your local machine and are following your monitor emissions directly into your brain, whereupon they implant themselves and multiply to enhance covert government communication and intelligence tracking networks, until you all become mindless drones that will help build the new world for our alien overloads, who have secretly taken control of our government offices by wearing "human" masks and red uniforms because, underneath, they look like lizards.

But don't that thought deter you from the real threat. Yes, you know what I'm talking about. The threat of the Africanized killer bees who, as you sit here and read this, are traveling north across the United States, ravaging everything in their path. Their meat-eating appetite for human flesh is growing, oh yes, it is. Soon, there will be nothing left that can stop them. For they are becoming sentient, you know, and will soon reach a level of intelligence that will enable them to open doors, drive small Japanese import cars, and parallel park in the streets of NYC. By then, they will be an enormous threat that not even our alien overlords will be able to stop them.

But really, don't let any of this frighten you. Because it's not real. None of it is. It's all in your head. We're really naked living batteries sitting in a pool of pink goo with wires attached to various parts of our bodies, so that our true overlords, the sentient robots from Zero-One, can run their darkened world.

So as you can see, there's really no point in paranoia. We're all already in an unalterable, systematized, logical and reasonable reality of true beliefs where we're all being persecuted in grand ways.

So succumb to your paranoia. Embrace your paranoia. Be one with your paranoia.

Really. There's no point in worrying about anything at all. Except, maybe, for those painful urinary discharges.

. . .

How do you deal with paranoia?