Dating Assholes
“Why do so many girls go for assholes?” Ken asked.
I shrugged and took a swig of beer. “Maybe it’s not as simple as that.”
“Huh?” Ken shifted in his seat. “What do you mean?”
“Maybe those girls don’t think those guys are assholes.”
Ken sighed. “I don’t know. I’ve seen some girls with guys who are very obviously assholes. The asshole factor runneth high in them.”
“True, true. I’ve seen that too.”
We both stared at our beers and watched the bubbles drift around our glasses. An attractive brunette entered the bar with a tall, muscle-bound guy holding her hand. As the brunette found them a table, the guy surveyed the scene and ogled the other women in the bar. Another, rather buxom girl smiled at him and he winked at her.
“Case in point,” Ken muttered.
“That was a rather uncanny and timely example.”
“So why do you think that girl is with him? He seems to be flirting with other girls in the bar, even though he’s with her. What’s up with that?”
I sat back in my chair. “Well, I can only think of two reasons why a girl would date an asshole. One: She likes the bad-boy type. She likes assholes.”
Ken scoffed. “Why in the world would anyone willingly want an asshole?”
I took a swig of beer and paused thoughtfully for a moment. “Well, in a girl’s eyes, a bad-boy type is generally more fun. They’ve been around the block a few times and that experience makes them more mysterious, enticing, and exciting.”
“That’s such bullshit.”
“On the flip side, a nice-guy type, in a girl’s eyes, is more boring. They haven’t explored much of life yet and don’t have that aura of mystery and excitement. They’re more conservative and wholesome, which translates to less fun.”
Ken tossed back a mouthful of beer. “I think that’s total bullshit, man. I mean, I know you’re right because I’ve heard the same crap before. But I think that’s such fucking nonsense.”
“Your outrage is well-placed, my friend. I think these bad-boy and nice-guy stereotypes are just that – stereotypes. And they end up hurting guys who don’t fit into either stereotype.”
“Stereotypes suck…” Ken muttered.
“The girls who go for bad-boy types also believe they can change the guy. They want to believe that they are the ones who can turn a bad-boy around into a nice-guy.”
Ken shook his head and stared at his beer. “So how is a nice guy supposed to win? Should I be an asshole then? Is that what girls want? For me to treat them poorly and cheat on them and make them feel like shit?”
“Not all girls are like this, man. Like I said, these are just stereotypes. You want a girl who likes you for who you are, right? Then the type of girl who goes for a bad-boy type wouldn’t be the type of girl you’d want.”
“I still think it’s nuts that girls would actually want assholes.”
“Each to his own, right?” I took another gulp of beer. “Okay, reason number Two: She doesn’t know he’s an asshole. Maybe she isn’t that experienced herself and the guy is a player and has her fooled.”
“I’ve heard girls deny up and down that they’re with an asshole.”
“Because they just don’t realize it, right?”
“Yea. It’s like, they just don’t see through his bullshit.” Ken shook his head. “And even if you tried to tell them that they’re with an asshole, they wouldn’t believe you. They’d argue with you until your face is blue.”
“Love is blind.”
“Good God I hope it’s not love. More like lust, I would say. Because, like you said, the guy is an experienced player and has her fooled.”
“I think girls in those kinds of situations eventually know. And if they don’t, the guys don’t stay with them very long, because the challenge of getting that girl is over and they’ll want to move on.”
“This kind of stuff kills me!” Ken sat up in his chair and shook his head defiantly.
“Remember man, that we’re talking in absolutes here. Labeling someone an ‘asshole’ is a pretty strong statement. Every one of us has good and bad aspects to our personalities. You may be 10% bad-boy and 90% nice-guy, or 40% bad-boy and 60% nice-guy. But the traits that we see as being ‘assholic’ in nature exist in all of us.”
Ken scoffed again. “Okay, fine, so I’m partly an asshole too. But I would never treat a girl poorly. I would never look around at other girls while I’m with her in a bar, like that guy.”
We looked over at the muscle-bound guy and attractive brunette. As if on cue, we caught him glancing at the female bartender.
I chuckled. “Heh, right, okay. But you do curse like crazy.”
“What?!” Ken barked. “And you don’t? You curse like a goddamn New Yorker!”
“I am a fucking New Yorker.”
“Was. You was a fucking New Yorker.”
I chuckled again. “Oh yea. Shit, you’re right. So I’m partly an asshole too.”
Ken sighed and slide back in his chair. “I still think it’s messed up that girls date 100% assholes. Or even 90% assholes. I can understand why, but I still think that’s messed up.”
We stared at our beers and watched the bubbles drift around our glasses again, lost in a moment of thought.
. . .
Why do you think so many girls (or guys) date assholes?
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ok boys you wanna know the truth…. Not my personal opinion but, this is how it is with most women. Read really closely…you ready…ok. The “nice” guys that no woman seems to want to go for doesn’t have the “bad boy look”. Women don’t want bad boys, we are not that stupid! We just want the bad boy look, not the behavior…We like muscles, tight asses, tattoos, shaved chests blah blah blah. Maybe some women like the piercings who knows. Just like men, women are also visual creatures and we like hot men! It just so happens that 90% of the hot men out there are “assholes”. Eventually after getting our heart broken a zillion times we change our tune. Just like in high school you boys used to gawk at the popular chick wearing the short skirt and imagine what you would do to have her as your girl. Same thing.
And you know what, really Men and Women are both guilty of dating retards. there’s guys who treat women like crap, and there’s women that treat men like crap. See my take on this is some of those “assholes” out there weren’t always “assholes” til some chick came along (in a short skirt of course lol) and ripped his damn heart out. And us as human beings repeat what we have learned. So we all are to blame for our shallow superficiality. We like beauty, and unfortunately every rose has it’s thorn.
With an asshole at least you know what you are getting.
Nice guys pretend to be all nice but get all pissy when they don’t get something in return. It doesn’t work that way.
youre that girl huh mimi, you can go suck one
Judge people by who they date. Why be interested in a woman dating an asshole? I feel sorry for her the same way I feel sorry for a man dating women too young for him, & so I take no interest in those men.
Besides that: sometimes it's just luck o' the draw–there are an awful lot of assholes out there!
No, 100% asshole is DEFININTELY NOT ATTRACTIVE.
Great post, I been there a million times. I am a freak-magnet.
Interesting comments, thanks. Obviously, a lot of people here have dated assholes or have stood by, shaking their head silently as someone else we knew proceeded to date an asshole and then ask, “Why is ___ such an asshole?!”
I dated two assholes. The first began as a nice guy. He was a virgin when I met him in college (I didn't know that), but as our relationship continued, the “too nice a guy” who always was thought to be a nerd and so unhip, gained a lot of confidence (and I'll say, experience) with me and soon starting being an asshole. Basically, he wanted to get his ho'ing on, but that is not what made an asshole. What made the former “nice guy” an asshole is that he didn't have the balls to say that so we could break up and go on about our own lives without the drama of cheating and foolishness. He was young and I was young and we were in college, so I'm not bitter about that.
In hindsight, I realize that what I thought was a “nice guy,” actually wasn't. Not because of his behavior at the end of our relationship, but because I realize that he was ALWAYS an asshole, he just never had the confidence and the opportunity to act on it. He was always the one the fine women (black people tend to say “fine” vs. “hot,” lol), did not see. He wore glasses and wasn't all that smooth-talking and tried a little too hard, very earnest. Admittedly, I didn't start of being physically attracted to him. What won me over… and please bear with me because even I want to GAG thinking how much of cliche this is that I'm writing…but because he wasn't FINE or that overtly sexy as so many other brothers were on campus, what won me over was the fact that he tried a lot harder to actually get to know me, vs. spending every minute insinuating and implying that we might have sex, which is what most of the so-called fine men were doing. That was their “game,” a lot of sexual innuendo and superficial chit chat. Constantly playing 20 questions to try to see if you were “THAT freak” that they could work into their roster of weekly booty. The guy I dated actually talked intelligently about a lot of things. He clearly had “home training” and was very respectful of women, period. He had a great sense of humor and thought I walked on water. It was six weeks before I actually realized that he'd been timing his visits to the Student Lounge to coincide with when I got of class and went to check my mailbox. He always made it look casual and coincidental. Then, one day he brought me a homemade pie that his beloved mother had made, I started to take a second look at him. He “could be” sexy, in a squint and focus only on his hard body kind of way. After a few unofficial dates, (I was still dragging my heels about seeing him for my own personal reasons unrelated to him), I started warming up. After a while, we were happily a couple and it was cool for a while.
The second asshole was a certifiable asshole. No nice guy turned ho. The nice guy had gone away a few years before I met him. What ensued was 10 years of foolishness that could be an urban street novel right now, lol. Granted, I am an asshole too now at this point, so we got we put out, that's for sure, but I'm going to tell you the main reason why I stayed with the asshole, long after I had grown up a bit and was working actively to not be such an asshole myself:
* Women do mistakenly think that guys will change for us. Doesn't matter if dude was a d_ _ k for the other 10 girls we saw him with, we think our…feminine charms and unique, awesome selves will help this asshole see the light and turn into the man we see. We get caught in the “potential” game, and that is game men work very well to their advantage. Flip side is, I don't see many men dating women for their “potential.” You better believe that woman better have demonstrated x, y, and z before he even begins contemplating some kind of real relationship and future with her. Many of us women think we can and will change guys by our sheer perseverance, loyalty, and fabulousness. Yeah, right.
* Women are lazy daters. What I mean is, we would rather make it work well with one guy than rotate a roster of suitors all the time. We think we won't be able to find the ONE if we have shown any lack of devotion by actually dating other guys simultaneously. Problem is, we then latch on to that one guy emotionally far quicker and longer than we should, ignoring all red signs and trying to stubbornly “wait him out.” That's an AWFUL way to date, but we don't actually receive that message. Women get another message on what we are supposed to be doing during our awesome, fertile teens and 20s. We are told to look for some great guy to marry, while guys are busy trying on every hat they can get their hands on. My biggest regret is that I wasted so much of my youth in useless long-term relationships (5 and 6 years long) before I even knew who I was, all the while, lying to myself about the assholes I was with.
*I had invested so much with the aforementioned assholes, that I was too embarrassed to throw in the towel. Walking away would mean I was a failure. Walking away would mean that maybe I wasn't as fabulous as I thought I was. Walking away would mean trading the asshole was with, with the asshole down the street. I'd stayed so long, I figured that most guys that were trying to be with me were assholes, too, and NOT EVEN AS GOOD-LOOKING OR SMART as the assholes I already knew. Why bother, I asked myself. Why get back in the dog and pony show game of dating with these uber-hos only to trade one set of lies for another?
*Which leads me to my last reason. I had little to no self-esteem. Well, very low. I started to think that I could only attract assholes (mind you, none of these guys were physically abusive or anything extreme like that, they were just lying, womanizing, philandering typical males who slap each other over the back every time they “hit” it.). Though I see in hindsight, one was textbook sociopath. The only thing he didn't do as an adult was kill animals or people, lol!