The subway car rustled back and forth. It was filled to the brim with Manhattanites. The next stop brought even more crowds and packed us in even tighter.
A woman nudged behind me. Her protruding stomach brushed up against my backpack and I removed it to allow her more room.
"Excuse me," I apologized.
"Penguins are extinct?" asked the girl behind the counter. She twirled her hair as she spoke.
"Yea, they're totally endangered," answered her coworker. "Didn't you know that?" His pimples looked like they were about to explode a shower of pus.
The cab screeched to a halt and a Korean girl came tumbling out. She rolled onto the street with her shoe flying into the air.
"Holy shit, did she just jump out of that cab?" I yelped.
There's a drama unfolding in front of me right now.
NOTE: This is a humor article and not a serious resource on how to deal with paranoia. If you're looking for real information, you can find some at Wikipedia, Schizophrenia.com, MindDisorders.com, or Mental Health Care. Take care.
Today's self-help topic: Dealing with Paranoia.
It's not everyday that you hear a grown man in the bathroom say (I really heard someone say this):
"Please go outside. I cannot make pee pee while you stand there."
"They read Stupid White Men and think that's how all Americans are. You know that book, right? The one by Michael Moore."
"Yea."
"They think we all are gun-crazy and violent. That our media glorifies violence and aggression. And that we're all money-hungry capitalists who drive big gas-guzzling cars and eat fast food."
We all try so hard to say what's on our minds, openly and honestly. Sometimes we aren't successful. Sometimes we are.
I finally got one! An iPod! Along with a Belkin Tunecast and an XtremeMac Car Charger. And you know what?
I give them all a thumbs down.
Picture this:
In the men's restroom, on top of a urinal, is a midget. His back is against the wall and his pants are off. With a broad grin on his face, he's spraying a protective moat of piss on the floor around the urinal.
"What is it about women?" I asked as I peered down into my empty beer mug. "What is it that they do that makes us do such stupid things?"
"I don't think it's so much what they're doing, as much as what we're thinking," my friend answered, with a sway of his head.
Weekly random rambles, musings & writings of Mike Lee in San Francisco, CA