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Stupidness

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The Bush is on Fire

September 10th, 2006
By Mike Lee
"The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire,
The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire,
The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire,
We don't need no water let the motherfucker burn,
Burn motherfucker burn."
- J. Pop

I'm not sure what possessed me to light that bush on fire.

Maybe it was because I knew where my Mom kept the matches. That's just about all the reason an adolescent male needs to light anything on fire.

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The Kiss of Vomit

August 13th, 2006
By Mike Lee

He leaned in close. She could smell his sweat and deodorant.

"Why don't you like me?" he asked.

She closed her eyes. The words were in her head, but she didn't have the heart to let them out.

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3 Comments

An Email Soap Opera

July 23rd, 2006
By Mike Lee
Date: June 2
To: Mike Lee
From: Friend in IT
Subject: [fwd] [re] [fwd] [re] [fwd] [re] I can still smell you...

hey mike, here's the full thread. I reordered it so it's in chronological order. it's funny as hell. it's like a friggin soap opera. don't these people know that my job is to monitor work emails? they shouldn't be sending crap like this at work. but what the hell. makes my job more fun. heh. enjoy!

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Welcome to Manhattan

July 16th, 2006
By Mike Lee

It's not that Kris is unintelligent. Far from it. Her Ivy League graduate degree is plenty proof of that. In fact, she's one of the most intelligent people I know.

It's just that… well… let me tell you the story and you can see for yourself. (She's going to hate me for this.)

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Bad Influence

July 3rd, 2006
By Mike Lee

I admit it: I'm not always a "positive" influence on small children.

What exactly is "positive" anyways? And who's to say that teaching a four-year-old girl to French-kiss my girlfriend is not a "positive" thing anyhow?

Before you give me that look, let me explain.

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Things That Will Distract a Guy

June 18th, 2006
By Mike Lee

It's not that I meant to crash into my coworker's car. It's just that, well, there was something distracting me. So it really wasn't my fault. Really, it wasn't.

Allow me to explain.

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Defensive Driving

April 23rd, 2006
By Mike Lee

There are a lot of fucking idiots on the streets, pardon my French. So it's a matter of necessity that you employ defensive driving techniques, lest you end up being a maroon smear on the pavement. I say this because I've had to share the road with such idiots in the rain in both San Francisco and NYC these last couple of weeks.

Over the years, I've found myself unconsciously acting on certain defensive patterns while driving. So I decided to write them down here. Maybe one day, these will become lessons I pass onto my kids.

Or maybe one day, I'll write a book, get filthy rich, then hire a chauffeur so I never have to deal with those fucking idiots on the streets anymore.

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The Secret of Guys

February 12th, 2006
By Mike Lee

Here's what all you ladies have been waiting for: the innermost workings of the male mind. All the deepest, darkest, dankest secrets that no guy ever wanted you to know.

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A Night under the Stars

October 20th, 2005
By Mike Lee

This is based on a true story. The names have been changed to protect the innocent. The emails have mostly been kept the same so we can laugh at them.

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Potty Humor: A Comedy

January 9th, 2005
By Mike Lee
Setting:
Our hero is at his girlfriend's one-bedroom apartment. They just returned from a large dinner that isn't sitting well with his digestive system. When his girlfriend starts sifting through some mail, he takes the opportunity to use the restroom for a number two.

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