Category: Psychology
Life is more complex than you realize. This is not your fault. If you were to constantly think about the world’s full complexities, you would go mad.
In order to cope with life’s complexities, the mind creates mental shortcuts. Take the simple decision of choosing which toothpaste to purchase.
Do you know how many choices of toothpaste exist? Lots. Head to your local pharmacy and peruse the dental care isle. You will be greeted by all types of toothpaste with varying mixes of components in a wide range of packages manufactured by a dizzying array of companies.
How do you know which is the best to purchase? Or the most cost-effective?
You could research each one. Look at the components each uses, study scientific papers on toothpaste, and read studies on their effectiveness. With new studies being done all the time, you would have to keep up constantly. Or you could conduct tests of your own, buying new tubes and retesting each time a new product is released.
Now multiply this with other household items. Shampoo. Soap. Laundry detergent. Milk. Bread. Salt. Pepper. Batteries. Light bulbs. Screwdrivers. Toilet paper. Towels. Bedding. I could go on and on and on.
For something as relatively trivial as toothpaste or toilet paper, the amount of time and money spent on such research would outweigh the benefits of choosing the absolute best choice. Common yet inexpensive commodities such as these just don’t justify such a mental investment.
Therefore, we take a mental shortcut and purchase a familiar brand. Or whatever is on sale. Or whoever’s package attracts our eye. A good enough choice is, well, good enough.
Mental shortcuts aren’t used for all purchases, however. Buying a house or car would indeed justify such a mental investment. Expensive quality items can be had cost-effectively if enough research is done.
Mental shortcuts also don’t just apply to commerce. Prejudice is a mental shortcut. When meeting someone new, your mind instantly creates an impression based on that person’s appearance and external factors, such as situation, context, etc. Your mind does this whether you are conscious of it or not. Factors such as age, gender, ethnicity, clothing, and body language are all considered.
There is even evidence that your impression within the first minute can be fairly accurate. A study by psychology professors Nalini Ambady & Robert Rosenthal found that strangers can provide accurate evaluations of high school teachers after watching “thin slices” of their performances. These thin slices were anywhere from six to thirty seconds.
If you’ve read Malcolm Gladwell’s book Blink, the term thin slicing will sound familiar. He also cites a study by John Gottman who demonstrated that he was able to watch a fifteen-minute thin slice of a married couple and predict the likelihood of divorce in fifteen years with 90% accuracy.
Robert Cialdini’s book Influence even articulates how mental shortcuts can be used against consumers by salespeople. For instance, in certain circumstances, consumers who commit to buying something are more likely to honor that commitment, even when the price is raised at the last minute. Once they have made that commitment, their minds automatically work towards the conclusion of the transaction, even if some of the factors change.
Another consequence of a mental shortcut is the polarization of beliefs. It is easier to take a simplified, extreme stance on a belief than to study and understand its full, detailed spectrum.
The political landscape in the US has recently been reduced to Red States and Blue States. This polarization makes it easier for voters and politicians to declare their allegiances, as demonstrated in the documentary, Split: A Divided America. Red or Blue. Republican or Democrat. Conservative or liberal.
But issues are never black or white. They are shades of gray. Let’s take business regulation as an example. At the extremes, history has shown that a completely hands-off approach generally leads to monopolies, while a completely hands-on approach generally leads to overregulation. The healthiest choice would seem to be somewhere in the middle. But within typical political rhetoric, if you don’t side with an extreme, you are considered a weak politician.
However, such polarized viewpoints win votes. Correction: polarized viewpoints enhanced by memorable sound bites win votes. Politicians are learning to be more media savvy because their campaigns are relying more on their funding prowess. More funding equals more ads, which equals more sound bites, which equals potentially more votes.
Why? Because most Americans are too busy to follow every political discussion closely nowadays. The topics are too complex. Therefore, they use the mental shortcut of gathering information whenever it happens to appear to them – such as in advertising. Another unfortunate consequence of a necessary mental shortcut.
This doesn’t mean mental shortcuts are harmful. Without them, you’d spend all of your time trying to decide which toothpaste to buy. Or whether a salesperson is trying to cheat you. Or whether your political affiliations accurately effect your true beliefs. Ignorance of the details, especially in a busy world, can be bliss.
However, too much reliance on mental shortcuts can make you a pawn to those who know how to exploit you. And exploit you they will. They will take advantage of the efficiency of a mental shortcut to influence your sale, vote, or decision. But this doesn’t have to be the case. Knowledge can be your defense, as well as an awareness of mental shortcuts.
Like Cialdini’s book writes, and as G.I. Joe says, “And knowing is half the battle.”
Categories:
Adulthood,
Asia,
Europe,
Family,
Fitness,
Food & Drinks,
Getting Older,
Learning,
Life,
Psychology,
Theories,
ValuesI intend on living a long, happy life.
It would be cool to be a great-grandparent, for instance. I’ve also got many things I want to do. Write books, learn new things, start businesses and non-profits, help my community. So many plans, so little time.
Age is not the limiting factor. Health is.
So how can I live a long and happy life? Dan Buettner, a National Geographic writer, believes he knows the answer. He founded the organization Quest Network, Inc. to conduct a study of “Blue Zones” – regions of the world where there are sizable populations that live active lives past one hundred years of age.
There are currently five known Blue Zones in the world:
- Sardina, Italy
- Okinawa, Japan
- Loma Linda, CA, USA
- Nicoya Peninsula, Costa Rica
- Icaria, Greece
Buettner and his organization studied these regions and discovered four key traits that all share, regardless of geography, culture, religion, or other factors.
- Move Naturally
- Right Outlook
- Eat Wisely
- Connect
Move Naturally
People living in Blue Zones don’t run marathons or lift heavy weights in gyms. They don’t sit in front of the TV or computers a lot either. Instead, they take a lot of walks. They climb up stairs. They hike up mountains. They even tend gardens, which require daily manual labor.
The Sardinians live on hillsides. So to get around, many walk up and down these hills all the time, even those in their eighties. Many Okinawans maintain personal gardens that they cultivate with pride. It’s not uncommon to see elders plowing and raking and pulling out weeds.
The trick is to do something active every day that you enjoy. That way, being active isn’t a chore; it is something you look forward to. And that’s why it works.
If you love doing cardio at the gym, then more power to you. Otherwise, take a walk around the block. Walk to the local grocery store instead of driving. Use the stairs instead of the elevator. Take a parking spot further away from the entrance of the mall so you have to walk a bit. Play sports with friends. Play the Nintendo Wii. Do something active everyday.
Right Outlook
Blue Zone inhabitants maintain a healthy perspective on life. They take time to slow down and relax from their hectic schedules. They use healthy outlets to vent their stress. They take problems in stride.
It’s not that they live boring, unexciting lives. Loma Linda is the home of a large medical university and medical community. Being a doctor is far from relaxing. The majority of these residents – those that regularly live long, active lives, at least – are also Seventh-day Adventists, a Christian denomination. Their religion aids in their ability to find peace with their frustrations.
Aside from mechanisms to dispel stress, Blue Zone inhabitants also deeply believe they have a purpose in life. That purpose could be as small as the Okinawan fisherman who sees his purpose is to fish so he can feed his family, or the Okinawan grandmother who knows her purpose is to care for her great-great-grandchildren. Religion also imbues a deep sense of purpose to Seventh-day Adventists.
Many don’t retire. They keep on doing what they enjoy doing, because they believe it is their purpose, their reason to get up every day.
Look for healthy outlets for your stress. Some use exercise, some take walks, and some create art to find relief. For others, it’s spirituality, religion, or their family and community.
A sense of purpose is also equally important. If you don’t have a reason to wake up every day and stay healthy, then find one. Spirituality and religion fill this hole for many. Family and community fill this for others. Still others find their purpose in their work or art. And sometimes your purpose isn’t bestowed upon you; it is something you go out and determine for yourself.
Eat Wisely
Those in Blue Zones eat healthy food in moderation. By healthy food, I mean their diets include a lot of vegetables and little processed food. Seventh-day Adventists are vegetarians. Okinawans eat lots of fresh fish. Sardinians consume homemade food. Each community has a different meal mix, though all contain a lot of vegetables and little processed food.
By moderation, I mean they don’t overeat. They don’t serve huge, American-sized portions. The Okinawans even eat from small plates as a means to minimize overeating. Others take breaks between servings. Since it takes several minutes before the feeling of satiation hits your stomach, taking a break can curb the amount you eat.
Include more vegetables in your diet. Decrease the amount of processed food and fast food from your daily intake as much as possible, or remove it altogether. You don’t need vitamin supplements as long as you eat a wide variety of vegetables, grains, and meats.
And perhaps even more importantly, reduce your portion sizes. Eat from small bowls. Take breaks between servings. You may find yourself feeling full without the usual volume you consume.
Connect
The last common aspect of all Blue Zone elders is their sense of family and community. To them, family comes first. Grandparents aren’t shut away in nursing homes. Respect increases with age, so the eldest are given the most respect.
They also feel a sense of belonging within their communities. Friendships endure throughout lifetimes. A person can count on a friend in time of need, and give selflessly when that friend is in need. You’ve got my back, I’ve got your back.
These tight bonds are formed with people of similar values as well. Everyone in a particular community shares the same core values of enjoyable activities (walks, hikes, etc), a healthy outlook (able to vent with each other, a feeling of purpose), healthy diets (natural foods in moderation), and a sense of belonging.
If you’ve been estranged from your family, consider making amends. Be the bigger person and take the first step at healing that bond. In cases where that’s totally impossible, foster the friendships you have, especially with those that share the same values. Consider being a part of a healthy tight-knit community, such as an activity group, special interest group, religious group, etc.
Is This Possible?
For some, this news is obvious to you. But for others, this may seem entirely impossible. How such a lifestyle can be followed in today’s society? I hear you. I know it’s not easy.
I don’t think it’s impossible either. It just takes some extra effort and a lot of discipline. Moving naturally and eating wisely are the easiest ones to do first, since they involve changes in behavior. The tough part is sticking to the new behavior long enough for it to become habit.
Having the right outlook and connecting to others are much tougher. The first involves changing a mental model that’s been ingrained for years. The second involves both behavioral and mental changes.
Part of having the right outlook is having healthy outlets for stress. This can include exercising, talking to trusted friends, or creating art. There are numerous self-help websites and books you can turn to for more ideas as well.
The other part of the right outlook is a sense of purpose. If you can’t find an easy answer, you are probably waiting for that purpose to come to you. Let me correct that misconception: that is not going to happen. Not everyone is lucky enough to be given their purpose. You need to go out and find your purpose. Create one. Look for something you believe in, whether it is a family member, a vocation, or a cause. As long as it allows you to follow these other traits and doesn’t harm others, embrace it as the reason you get up every morning.
Finding a community that accepts you is probably the toughest one to achieve. If you weren’t born into a tight-knit family or community, you will have to work hard to become a part of a healthy community. However, it’s worth the effort. Once you are in a good community, a sense of purpose will almost certainly come to you.
How do you find such a community? Church groups are an obvious source. Activity groups and special interest groups are another, though not all will give you an encompassing sense of community. Some people join such groups just to do the activity, then return to their own communities without further involvement in the group.
Neighborhood-based communities are also a good source. There are “gated communities” (a set of houses enclosed within gates) that try to engender such a sense of belonging, not only for goodwill, but for protection too (crime is less common in such neighborhoods).
For some, their work can also provide a viable community, though like activity and special interest groups, not all of the members may be willing to put in the same level of commitment as you. To them, it’s just a job, not a community.
I am lucky that I follow and have a lot of these traits. Hopefully I can continue to foster them throughout my long, happy life, and vice versa. For many, I had to work hard to create them. But once they’ve become engrained in my life, following them is as easy as eating and breathing.
Want to see more? You can watch Buettner’s talk at a TEDxTC conference on September 2009 about his study of Blue Zones. It’s a fascinating talk.
Now go live long and prosper. And talk a walk around the block while you’re at it.
It’s tough to fail, huh? It sucks knowing you’ve put your heart & soul into something, only to see it crumble to nothing.
The heaviness in your stomach, the stinging in your brain, the itch you can’t quite scratch. They’re all physical reminders of the horrible failure. The time wasted. The regret that you’ll never see what you were doing come to fruition.
Yup, it sucks ass.
But you know what? I don’t mind. I don’t mind failing. In fact, I quite look forward to it.
I look forward to it because it’s a chance to learn and grow. To evolve and better myself. Making a mistake means I pushed myself outside of my comfort zone and took a risk. One can’t grow if one doesn’t do that.
I’ve always been the kind of person who seeks to improve myself. One of the ways to do so is to go beyond my comfort zone.
In a previous dot-com for which I worked, we often set stretch goals. These were goals that were a bit beyond our reach. Beyond our comfort zones. Each time we satisfied one of those goals, we knew we had achieved something significant. It was a great application of basic psychology. Too bad that dot-com dot-bombed. Maybe the executive team’s stretch goal should have been, “Build a company that won’t bomb.” Ha! I kid, I kid.
My colleagues have all gone on to successful careers. They all learned from their stretch goals and from that company’s failure.
That’s the key with being comfortable with failure. Learning from previous mistakes. Accepting the negative feelings of failure and reframing the experience as a learning opportunity.
Experience is a harsh, yet effective teacher. She will beat you over and over again until you learn. If you don’t, the beatings will go on. Her motto is: “The beatings will continue until wisdom improves.”
So you see, each time I fail, it’s been because I pushed myself outside of my comfort zone in an attempt to better myself. And when I fail, it’s really a success. It means I’ve learned a lesson. The sting of each failure will remain with me forever, stronger than the insight of success will.
What happened to my patience? I used to be a really patient guy. Especially when a friend had a problem and needed a consoling ear.
I’m still patient with most things, I’ll humbly admit. Waiting in a long line at the airport? No problem. Slow cashier at the supermarket? Take your time. The dentist is behind schedule with lots of patients? That’s fine, I’ve got plenty of patience for your patients.
Have a laundry list of complaints you need to vent? Okay. Want to vent and re-vent that same list tomorrow too? Um, sure. Need to repeat the same vents all month long? OMG I’m gonna punch you in the throat.
Well, no, I’m not really. But I can’t sit still and listen like I used to anymore.
In my twenties, I used to have what I called a Jesus Syndrome. I used to believe I could and should save everyone. If anyone, friend or stranger, had a problem, I would be willing to listen and do what I could to help out.
Sometimes it meant just listening. Other times it meant offering gentle advice to nudge them in the right direction (leading a horse to water and all that). And other times, it meant driving over to their house and helping them hide the bodies.
To some friends, I was a big brother. To others, I was almost a father figure. I didn’t mind either. Personality tests have indicated that I have the temperament of a teacher or therapist, and the informal roles I’ve taken have certainly been in that vain.
But then, around my thirties, something changed. My patience levels dropped. Or perhaps it’s my tolerance levels. Whichever it was, I can no longer summon the energy I once had to sit down and listen to someone vent endlessly. It’s draining, as opposed to — if you can believe it — energizing, as it once was.
I attribute it to my mind being an empathic sponge. After having a particularly depressing conversation, I feel depressed. After a particularly angry conversation, I’m angry. And so on.
After a while, it’s worn me down. It’s enough to wear anyone down.
By nature, I’m a positive guy. I see most problems as fun challenges and opportunities. It can take quite a bit to wear me down. About thirty years worth, apparently.
I feel terrible about this. Losing patience and tolerance is frustrating. If I could wring out my empathy sponge and start anew, I would. Then I’d be able to console those that need frequent consoling again.
Or maybe it’s better this way. Maybe those that need frequent consoling can’t be saved by me. The Jesus Syndrome isn’t a healthy syndrome after all. Why should I want to perpetuate it? When I have a family, they will be the ones on which I want to lavish my energy and attention. Close friends too. But not any ole’ person. Maybe this evolution of patience and tolerance is a natural and necessary step.
Meanwhile, those that need frequent consoling would perhaps be best served by professional help. A professionally trained therapist, counselor, or psychologist.
Or, a punch in the throat.
Nah, just kidding. Go for the professional help.
The glass is not half full nor half empty. The glass has water in it, filled approximately to the middle. Or: the glass has equal portions of gas and liquid content within its cylindrical interior. Or: the glass is entirely full of air and water. Or… you get the point.
It’s all about perception. Life isn’t how it is; it’s how you see it.
If you see the world as a cold, harsh place, then for you — the world is indeed, cold and harsh. Sucks for you.
If you see the world as a fun & challenging place, then for you, the world is fun & challenging. Rock on.
Here’s a metaphor I use: my life as a series of lenses. My perception of life is influenced by the lenses through which I view it. Every lens is tainted by the grime of experience. In fact, each lens was created by the summary of past experience, heated in a cauldron of emotional responses and cognitive rationalizations.
It is impossible to be truly objective, unless you’re a robot or Vulcan. But as a human, it’s impossible because of the construction of our brains. Studies have shown that memories are forged through a furnace of emotion, for better or worse. Interestingly enough, emotional memories are retained better than those devoid of emotions.
Think about your childhood. Which memories are most vivid? Those that are most painful or happy, right? How about the 303rd bath you ever took? Why don’t you remember that one? Because it was mundane and relatively low on emotional content.
Over time, these emotional memories, mixed with your genetic predispositions (you can thank your Mom & Dad for that) and environmental factors (education, cultural upbringing, friends & family, religion, social status, etc) shaped your unconscious view on life. Together, this mixture hardened into a lens through which you now view your life.
Lenses are limiting. They limit how far you can see and what you can see. This is not a bad thing. It is a natural ability that offers you protection, your defense mechanism, if you will. Prejudices, assumptions, and beliefs all come from your lenses. Some limitations can be hurtful, some can be helpful, though the degrees of such are subjective.
There isn’t just one lens either. There are many, shaped through various phases of life. You may have your family lens, your work lens, your school lens, etc. The number of lenses depends on the number of wholly different experiences you’ve have and your awareness of, and synthesis of, those life phases. Living in a foreign country often splinters one’s world view and creates a new lens, for instance.
Mine include my family lens, my Chinese American lens, my New Yorker lens, my Californian lens, my traveler lens, my spiritual lens, my anthropological & sociological lens, my self-reflective lens, my self-improvement lens, my entrepreneurial lens, my technology-oriented lens, etc. There are many more I’m not aware of too, I’m sure.
As you can see, your lenses don’t map not just to your phases of life, but to the different ways you view your identity as well. And, of course, they all overlap quite a bit.
There are no right or wrong lenses, better or worse lenses, just degrees of helpfulness in society and influence on your actions. Some lenses may enable you to be a highly-successful person in some situations, but horribly inept in others. Others lenses may make you terribly miserable in some situations and protect you from harm in others.
However, you aren’t stuck with a particular lens. You can change your view, as long as you cognitively try. It just takes effort. Sometimes tremendous effort. But it is impossible for everyone.
How? For some, it’s simply a matter of being aware of your different lenses. For others, supportive friends & family can help. And for others, professional advice and help is required.
I’m sure you’ve met people who’ve changed the main lens through which they view life. They may be religious converts or political converts. They may be so excited about their new view that they won’t shut up about it. Such a person has had a major epiphany (which is generally how a major change in lens view affects a person) and is naturally excited about it, though not all changes are so grand.
Want to try a quick lens switch exercise? Imaging yourself as a soccer player. You’re on the field. You can feel the brisk chill of the afternoon air. The smell of freshly-cut grass is all around you. A trickle of sweat is at the corner of your eye. Other players are yelling at each other. The ball is being kicked around. You’re keeping an eye on the ball, your teammates, and your opponents. Your mind is flipping back and forth from anticipating where the ball will be and how other players are reacting to the ball. Your legs are also getting tired and there’s a side stitch in your gut. And damn, you’re thirsty.
Now imagine yourself as the coach of that team. You’re standing on the side of the field. Someone’s brewing coffee besides you. Your players are yelling, the other team is yelling, and the fans are yelling behind you. You’re keenly watching your players run up and down the field, positioning themselves around the ball. At the same time, you’re also watching the opponents and analyzing their positions in relation to your team’s. Your goalie looks tired and you’re worried about a potential goal. Another player is being overly aggressive and you’re concerned about the referee calling a penalty. Two of the opposing players are really strong and fast, so you’re trying to make sure your team doesn’t let them through your defense. Your voice is sore from yelling commands and encouragement to your team.
In the first lens, you had the view of an individual contributor on a team. You had to be conscious of your own actions as they related to others, while balancing your fatigue and condition.
In the second lens, you had the view of a supervisor of a team. You had to have a gestalt of the entire game and offer not only direction, but encouragement as their confidence rose and shrank.
That is a small example of a lens switch. Both views are totally correct while being entirely different. All of us switch like that daily, maybe even hourly.
Now consider this: what if you’re able to combine lenses? Or switch between both in any given situation? What if you, as a soccer player, also considered the game from the coach’s point of view? That’s what a team captain often does. Viewing the game through both lenses would put you on a path for advancement and leadership in this situation.
Combining lenses often gives offers such power and opportunity. It opens your mind to other views you may not have otherwise considered. It keeps your mind amiable to new ideas and new contexts.
You know the saying, “Never judge a person until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes”? Same principle applies here. When you’re viewing your situation through another lens, you’re revising the natural limitations of what you perceive. While you’re probably replacing them with the limitations of another lens, you’re still expanding your previous boundaries. And that’s the power of changing & combining lenses.
Of course, this is all an opinion formed through my own lens. This is how I perceive my life. You may perceive it differently and prefer to keep your current world view. In which case, I can’t help but think: sucks for you.
You know when your boyfriend does something totally insane and for the life of you, you can’t understand why? Or your girlfriend says something totally inexplicable and you think she’s out of her mind?
What’s up with that?
Well, I have a theory: they are acting perfectly logically.
“What?!?!” you say.
“Yup,” I reply. Allow me to explain.
It boils down to a person’s fundamental assumptions of life. These assumptions effect that person’s predispositions, understandings, mental maps, and interpretations of the environment.
You can look at it as a lens filter for your camera. Each filter you put on changes the picture a bit. Some distort the picture significantly; others twist it just a little bit. Every filter affects the final picture, however.
Here’s another analogy. Let’s take the equation 2 x 5. If you assume that “x” means “multiply,” then the answer is 10. But if your assumption of “x” is “plus,” then the answer is 7. And if your interpretation of “x” is “minus,” then the answer is -3.
To give it a more humanistic light, if you see the world as a cold and harsh place, than life for you will be cold and harsh. If you see the world as a fun and challenging place, then life for you will be fun and challenging. While it is possible to change these views, we tend to validate our fundamental assumptions, thus reinforcing such experiences. It’s a vicious cycle.
That is how a fundamental assumption can change a person’s view on life.
With that said, a person who does something inexplicable to you is actually doing something logical in his/her mind. If you peered deep into the convoluted wrinkles of that person’s brain, you will see a set of assumptions that validate that action. To that person, his/her actions were totally logical, even though society and common sense may deem otherwise.
(Also, there’s really no such thing as “common” sense, but that’s a ramble for another time.)
Let’s look at a classic example. Joe and Jane have been friends for many years. To their friends, it is obvious that they have chemistry, yet neither has ever made an overt move for the other.
After much pushing and prodding, Jane’s friends manage to persuade her to host a dinner party, with Joe being one of the invited guests. After dinner, the friends make a hasty exit, leaving Joe and Jane together to finish off the dessert.
Joe pours Jane a glass of wine. He teases her about her alcohol tolerance and continues pouring her more wine. They laugh and heartily and happily. The night goes on and still they talk.
Jane moves over to the couch to get more comfortable. Joe slides next to her. He turns on the television and they talk about their favorite shows. Feeling buzzed, happy, and perhaps a little bit daring, Jane leans in and puts her hand on Joe’s hand.
Suddenly, Joe’s body stiffens. He excuses himself to the bathroom. Then he tells her it’s late and he has to go.
Confused and hurt, Jane calls a friend and tells her the full story. “What did I do wrong?” she asks. “What’s wrong with him? Couldn’t he tell I like him? Couldn’t he read my signals? I thought all guys would want what was coming next.” (e.g. Sexual intercourse. Gasp!)
Her friend agrees. What is wrong with Joe? The logical conclusion of the night, they both agree, should have been an unbridled romp in the bedroom, unleashing all the sexual tensions the two have held for all these years.
What Joe did was simply illogical, they conclude.
But was it? Let’s peer into Joe’s mind. First, what are his fundamental assumptions of life? Joe is a guy who still feels young and virile. He really cares about his friendships and loves spending time with his friends, whether it is at a ball game, helping a friend through a tough time, or going to a dinner party. Joe has two younger siblings, a sister and brother, both of whom he cares for deeply as well. He has the paternal instincts of a typical older child and tends to behave similarly with friends.
Do you spot any clues in there?
Yes, Joe does have some feelings for Jane. Being a man, he can’t help occasionally following his hormones. But he won’t follow them to Jane. Jane, in his mind, is a great friend, a friend he doesn’t want to lose. A relationship with her would be significant, not only because they are such long-time friends, but because they share a tight circle of friends too.
Therefore, logically, the only time he would try anything with her would be if he is totally sure she is someone with which he wants to settle down. Nothing short of that would do. At this stage in Joe’s life, he isn’t ready to settle down yet. He still wants to pick up girls at bars, travel the world, and do all the crazy things he feels he should before starting a family.
To Joe, dating Jane — even at this young age — would mean settling down and starting a family. Therefore, as soon as anything reminds him that he is on such a path — such as Jane touching his hand — Joe will immediately halt the moment and exit as quickly as he can. In his mind, this is perfectly logical.
In poor Jane’s mind, this is utterly confusing.
That’s just one possibility. Another equally logical explanation: Joe is a guy keeps his room tidy and organized. His books are lined up alphabetically by topic. His DVDs are by genre and director. He always cuts his hair and tucks his shirts in. The youngest of three brothers, he’s had both the advantage and disadvantage of receiving lavish attention from his immediate family. That doesn’t mean he’s spoiled though; he still does his chores and pulls his own weight, especially when he’s on the football field. And he’s proud, damn proud, that he’s seen by his peers as a tough guy.
So what happened tonight?
That extra helping of wine, that’s what. He’s a heavy partier. Known to slam down Alabama Slammers as quickly as a case of Coronoas, Joe is no stranger to alcohol. But wine is a different story. His stomach doesn’t quite react well with perhaps the sediments of wine. Or the tannins. Or something. Who knows.
What Joe did know was that he couldn’t stop drinking just because of a little stomach ache. Not him, a huge football player that could down a six-pack of beer like a soda pop. But when that stomach ache grew and grew, he became increasingly embarrassed to visit the porcelain pool and drop the boys off — especially during dinner where everyone would know what he was doing. He couldn’t risk that hit to his reputation.
His last-minute plan to run and do just that was foiled too. His plan: as soon as dinner was over, he would duck into the bathroom while everyone chilled and talked. The distraction of post-dinner conversation would be suitable for a hasty absence. Unfortunately, everyone else ran off before he could execute on said plan.
Then things with Jane started getting more intense. He could tell she was getting drunk. Perfect, he thought! But the boys were relentless. By the time Jane touched his hand on the couch, the boys were knocking hard. Know the term turtlehead? Yes. Joe had a turtlehead.
Joe wanted nothing more than to reach out, caress Jane’s hair, pull her in, and kiss her gently. But turtleheads have a way of killing romance. So Joe raced to the bathroom, let out a quick load, lit a match, and ran back home to continue his porcelain devastation in privacy.
And that, in a nutshell, describes every wacky encounter you’ve ever experienced on a date. It just comes across as utterly confusing because you aren’t privy to the other person’s fundamental assumptions and thoughts. But rest assured that your idiot of a date is acting perfectly logically — in your date’s mind, at least.
Are you a love virgin?
Allow me to explain. If you go by the traditional definition of the word “virgin,” it means a person who has not had sexual intercourse. If you’ve ever bumped uglies in the night, hid the hot dog, or taken the bullet train through Yonker’s tunnel, then no, you are not a virgin.
What about a love virgin?
The term “virgin” can also be used in non-sexual contexts to mean a lack of something. A Pina Colada Virgin, for instance, is a Pina Colada cocktail without alcohol. A love virgin, therefore, is someone who has never fallen in love.
Some people go through life never experiencing love. Some do and don’t know it. Still others do and won’t admit it. While all three are potential dating hazards, the first kind — the true love virgin — presents an especially difficult case.
Most people have experienced it at least once. While there isn’t a limit to the number of times one could fall in love, it would be logistically difficult to have felt it more than, say, twenty times. Unless, maybe, you’re a thousand-year-old vampire or something.
For most people, love isn’t an emotion or a state of being that happens easily. It’s not like buying ice cream at the supermarket. It’s more like buying a condo or house, relatively speaking.
I’ll bet some of you are shaking your heads right now. “I fall in love almost once a month,” you’re thinking to yourself. “It’s not as rare as this doofus makes it sound.”
Sorry to do this, but see your bubble there? Now look at this pin in my hand. Burst!
If you fall in love that often, chances are you haven’t been feeling love. What you may have been feeling is infatuation. A very deep, passionate infatuation, perhaps, but infatuation nonetheless.
It is easy to confuse infatuation with love. Love isn’t a feeling that fades in a matter of weeks. It takes years, decades, even lifetimes. Or perhaps it never truly fades; it just evolves into a more elemental emotion.
Infatuation, on the other hand, is defined as an “all-absorbing passion” (see why it’s so easy to confuse it with love?) that doesn’t last. It doesn’t grow or evolve. It just remains at that level, then dips like the sunset.
If you are still in your teens or early twenties, it isn’t uncommon to be a love virgin. Some may even argue that you don’t really know what love is until you’re older, though I think that’s bullshit. But if you are still a love virgin at this age, don’t fret. You are not alone.
If you are in your thirties or forties, however, then you should be concerned. That’s a long time to go through life without ever falling in love. It isn’t impossible, but, well, something may be wrong.
Are you afraid of being hurt so much that you avoid relationships? Are you consciously or unconsciously isolating yourself from strangers? Are you ending relationships before they have a chance to mature?
There is something beneath the surface that isn’t quite socially healthy. Or at least, socially acceptable by the norm.
On the flip side, if you are dating a love virgin, then be careful. Just as a sexual virgin isn’t quite sure what to do with all the rods and cones, a love virgin isn’t quite sure what to do with all the messy emotions that come with being in love. This isn’t a slight against love virgins, it’s just a fact. Lack of experience begets lack of understanding.
For example, jealousy can play a big part in love. Most people new to love will find this curious, yet nagging emotion sitting on their shoulder from time to time. The little green devil may occasionally nip at them, throw an all-out tantrum, or crawl away and lurk just behind the ears.
With experience, many learn to cope with this emotion. They realize its roots in insecurity and put it away appropriately. However, a love virgin doesn’t yet have this experience. Thusly, the little green devil is out to play.
There is more. Mutual love is a delicate sheet of rice paper. Push too hard and it will crumble. Pull too hard and it will tear. With experience and a few failed relationships under your belt (no pun intended), you will hopefully have learned how hard to push and how hard to pull.
A love virgin at age forty, unfortunately, hasn’t had the benefit of such experience. Such an individual may unknowingly come on too strong and suffocate the object of their desire. So dater beware.
To be fair, there are many patient people in the world who can deal with a middle-aged love virgin, just as there are many understanding people in the world who can deal with a middle-aged virgin. (“You know what? I respect women! I love women! I respect them so much that I completely stay away from them!”) So it isn’t the end of the world if you are a love virgin.
But to those dating a love virgin, if you don’t have the patience or tolerance to deal with a new crop of emotions and lack of experience, be careful. Their only experience with love is what they’ve seen in movies. And as we all know, life isn’t like the movies.
Do you have any friends who seem to be a lot of drama? Or have a lot of drama in their lives? Or seem to attract a lot of drama?
Sure you do. Everyone does. Drama is what makes the world go round. Everyone has some measure of drama in their lives – and if they don’t, they’ll seek it out from TV soap operas or create it with other people.
But let’s be careful here. The word “drama” is a loaded term. It means different things to different people. Let’s take a look at some of those variations.
At the basis of drama is some kind of interpersonal, social, and/or emotional conflict. Everyone has elements of conflict in their lives, either of their own doing or through outside influences. It’s as unavoidable as back problems and taxes. But that’s not what we commonly consider drama.
Drama, as we typically use the term, is meant for those exaggerated cases far above the norm. It is conflict at high volume. When it is in a story, book or television, it can be very entertaining. When it is between you and family, friends or coworkers, it can be very stressful.
Let’s look at some types of drama. A few of these overlap and hybrids do exist.
- Emotional Drama
- This kind of drama is characterized by seemingly unwarranted, exaggerated emotions in reaction to some event. Everyone reacts to crises differently; some are even-keeled and calm, others rabbit through panic and distress. Emotional drama is the latter variant. An emotionally dramatic person will react with extreme vigor, no matter the degree of the event. House burned down? Aaaaaaa! Spilled some milk? Aaaaaa!
- Passionate Drama
- The cousin of emotional drama is passionate drama, which shares some of its outward appearances. People being passionately dramatic are showing excessive emotion and using intense language to convey their reactions. The difference is that emotional drama tends to originate from an underdeveloped sense of emotional intelligence, whereas passionate drama spills from an extreme emotional bond to a particular topic. Basically, these people are sooo passionate about something that they are not able to accept beliefs that are contrary to their own. Hearing such a contrarian is simply heresy. Aaaaaaa!
- Invented Drama
- A more insidious form of drama is invented drama, the kind that is fabricated because the person is vindictive, or sadistic and bored. You’ll spot this variant when one person attacks another person’s sensitive spots — otherwise known as “pushing one’s buttons.” The purpose is to incite the other person; the more frustrated the other person, the more satisfaction the originator feels. Even if it’s subconscious. People who invent drama may do this in the name of passionate drama, though they are really trying to hurt you, not express outrage. Aaaaaaa!
- Antisocial Drama
- This type of drama is characterized by a pervasive disregard of other people’s feelings and rights. Lying, cheating, stealing, bullying, and abusing with no remorse are all symptoms. At times, they can seem almost sociopathic and narcissistic by the way they callously ignore the feelings of others and only care about themselves. Some are able to hide behind superficial charm or sexual prowess, though if you cross them, they’ll pull out their claws and antisocial drama behavior. Aaaaaaa!
- Identity Drama
- Someone who sees the world in strict black and white terms (no shades of gray) and has identity issues may be exhibiting borderline drama. These people may also have problems maintaining friendships and general relationships. A misalignment in the way they view life and themselves, in other words. Aaaaaaa!
- Narcissistic Drama
- Ever call someone a “ham” or “show-off”? That person was probably exhibiting narcissistic drama, which is typically characterized by an unhealthy load of self-love. They are the center of the world and they want everyone to know it. If you don’t, you will be assaulted by non-strop drama until you do. Aaaaaaa!
- Insecure Drama
- Though it is a bit of a blanket term, those that are insecure may bring with them waves of insecure drama. Such drama can be manifested by obsessive-compulsive clinginess, profuse pessimism, a constant need for reassurances from others, and frequent verbalizations of their ineptitude. The stark opposite of narcissistic drama, they suck and they want everyone to know it. Aaaaaaa!
- Attracted Drama
- Some people unknowingly attract drama, though a handful do it consciously. They either have such plain lives that they seek out “spice” or they tend to befriend people who exhibit one or more types of drama listed here. Their own lives may not have much drama, but encircling themselves with such friends can give them an air of drama. However, since like-minded people tend to cluster together, oftentimes a drama magnet is a dramatic person too. Aaaaaaa!
- Stupid Drama
- There are no such things as stupid questions… only stupid people. Ha! But seriously, some people just do stupid things that happen to trigger drama. Maybe it’s out of ignorance, maybe it’s a lack of tact, maybe it’s an underdeveloped sense of social intelligence or street smarts. Whatever the case, they’ll likely do something that places them or other people in some kind of trouble and conflict. Qualifying for stupid drama isn’t doing something goofy on occasion. A person needs to be doing really stupid things fairly often. Aaaaaaa!
Yes, there are many types of drama and dramatic people in this world. Know your drama and be wary of it. In small doses, it may be entertaining. But a constant deluge can drown you.
Did you know there’s a caste system with cars? You’ve probably seen it before on the highway. Chances are, you’ve probably unconsciously supported it too. Yea, YOU, you car bigot.
The Car Caste System is fixed and based on the prestige of your car, as indicated by its cost, age, size, and speed. You yourself can move up and down the caste with each car you own. But your car remains in a fixed position in the Car Caste System, no matter your actual social standing. This is why people buy expensive cars — for the perceived social mobility afforded by the automobile.
If you are ever in a yield situation, where it’s either you or the other car, generally the car in the higher tier will jump in first, regardless of who has the right of way. This isn’t an absolute rule, of course. Many kind and law-abiding souls exist in all caste levels. But in absence of rules, laws, and consideration, the car in the higher tier will take precedence.
What do I mean? The next time you’re driving, pay attention to the car that is merging into your lane. If it is a BMW, are you more apt to let it in? What if the car was a Honda? Or an old beat-up station wagon with a missing bumper? I’m going to bet that there’s a slight subconscious preference to a car in a higher level.
This yielding is a subtle show of respect. It is not entirely universal either. Some individuals carry such loathing for a particular type of automobile that they will never yield to it. The vast majority, however, may exhibit such unconscious nuances.
The upper echelon of the Car Caste System is made up of ultra-expensive luxury brands like Rolls Royce, Bentley, Ferrari and Lamborghini. They are the kind of cars for which ordinary people would need a home equity loan just to make the monthly car payments. The maintenance for these cars costs more than the average person’s annual salary. Only a small percentage of the population can afford these cars, therefore only a relative few exist in this social stratum.
The next tier is comprised of luxury brands like BMW, Mercedes Benz, Lexus, and Cadillac. These cars are within the range of most high-income families, though some middle-income families purchase them as well, financially tying them to years of expensive car payments.
Many regard these echelons with jealousy, disdain, and even a bit of awe. Mostly jealousy though. However, the upper tier carries more intensity of emotion on all counts. In some posh neighborhoods, the lower tier brands are such a common sight that they are the Hondas and Toyotas of these communities.
In the average neighborhood, these two levels typically own the road — or at least, some of their drivers think they do. Within the Car Caste System, they are the landlords, the royalty, and the white-collar executives. Some will weave through traffic and expect other drivers to part for them. This rarely happens, but they unconsciously expect it anyways.
Sports cars make up another band. There is some overlap with the upper echelon and lower tiers, as many manufacturers create sports cars. Typical brands here include Corvette, Audi, BMW, and Ferrari. There is also a niche of street racers using highly-tuned cars from Honda, Toyota, Mazda, and Infiniti.
Cars at this caste level are characterized by their high speeds and a penchant for attracting the ire of law enforcement officials. Their drivers live at 80mph and higher — usually higher. Others view this level with jealousy and disdain, though its members hold high esteem for those that display high driving skills.
In their eyes, they are analogous to the soldiers and warriors of the Car Caste System. In the eyes of other people, they are more like bratty teenage jocks. They believe own the road and slice through traffic like it was standing still. This obviously fosters their impression of being arrogant, though sports car drivers arrogantly don’t mind. They judge themselves not in terms of their absolute speed, but their speed relative to others on the street. If they aren’t passing other cars quickly, they aren’t driving fast enough.
Family passenger cars fall into a wide band. Either sedans or coupes, these cars make up the majority of street denizens. Common brands such as Honda, Toyota, Ford, and GM are readily affordable. Therefore, they are the masses, the commoners, the blue-collar workers of the Car Caste System.
SUVs, pick-up trucks, vans and minivans make up another tier. The size of their vehicles overshadows others, impeding visibility and slowing down traffic. Their bulk is both an advantage and disadvantage — for cargo space and for fuel efficiency, respectively. Brands across the spectrum manufacture such vehicles, such as Lexus, Ford, Chevy, and Nissan.
Their size makes them the morbidly and arrogantly obese members of the Car Caste System. They are tolerated by some but disdained by others. However, some differentiations exist within this level. SUVs are the morbidly and arrogantly obese, pick-up trucks are the blue-collar workers, vans are older blue-collar workers, and minivans are the soccer Moms. Yes, it is difficult to dissuade the image of minivans and soccer Moms.
Old, beat-up automobiles are at the bottom of the Car Caste System. Almost any pre-1999 vehicle falls into this bucket, across all brands. These cars are ridden with chipped paint, rust spots, and dents. They may bleed black exhaust, utter horrible noises, and shudder while they operate. Coming in all forms, they can be passenger cars, pick-up trucks, or station wagons.
Sadly, no one cares about the bottom of the bucket. Well, they care enough to turn their nose up at them, but that’s about it. Regarded as a mere annoyance, they aren’t even afforded a level of disdain; they simply aren’t worth that emotion. All things being equal, rarely will someone yield to an old beater.
Thus, the bigotry of the Car Caste System. Is it fair? No, it’s not fairer than any other caste system. Sentiments of prejudice and unconscious respect run deep in many aspects of life, including cars.
After you read this, pay heed to the cars around you. Watch that car merging into your lane. Were you about to let it in? If you strip out unspoken rules, laws, and consideration, what would you have done? Did the type of car matter?
It did? You car bigot.
Now here’s a controversial topic. It incites flames, trolls, and every other little ugly side of human psychology you can squint at. It is the topic of interracial dating between Asian girls and white guys. Now let’s begin.
I don’t have any hard numbers to quantifiably verify if Asian girl/white guy relationships are more common than white girl/Asian guy relationships, though many people are happy to offer anecdotal evidence in support of the former.
The bigger question is why. The world is rife with theories. Here are some of the more common ones.
Asian Female Social Elevation Theory
This theory posits that Asian girls date white guys because they feel it will elevate their social status in some way. They perceive Asians to be lower on the social ladder than whites, whether through social conditioning, media conditioning, insecurity, or something else. Therefore, a relationship, and/or marriage and kids with a white guy will improve their social standing. Some may feel this way explicitly; others may unconsciously believe it but aren’t able to articulate it.
Passive Asian Male, Aggressive White Male Theory
This theory states that Asian guys are generally less aggressive when it comes to asking a girl out because of cultural influences that teach them discretion over outright showiness. They’d rather be friends with the girl first, then wait a long while before asking her out. Conversely, white guys are generally more aggressive and display more overt romantic gestures. In the realm of dating, an overt romantic gesture usually wins over a passive, discrete one (especially in Western societies). Therefore, Asian girls who may not really have a preference for white guys over Asian guys, end up with white guys because they’ve been openly & aggressively courted by one.
Exotic Asian Female Theory
This theory can also be called the Asian Fetish or Yellow Fever Theory because white guys see Asian girls as exotic, different, and submissive. These white guys want a trophy girlfriend and/or wife. It is less important for the Asian girl to share similar cultural values or language, than it is to be passive and doting. The Asian Female Social Elevation Theory also plays a part, in that the Asian girls who willingly go out with white guys with an Asian fetish look past these preferences in favor of social elevation benefits.
Independent Asian Female Theory
This theory hypothesizes that because more and more Asian girls are earning advanced degrees, strong careers, and financial independence, Asian guys are finding them less desirable. Asian guys with traditional patriarchal cultural values seek wives who will stay at home and take care of the children. Since these educated, independent Asian girls don’t fit that model, they turn to white guys who accept that independence.
Desired Asian Female Theory
This theory puts forth the assertion that Asian guys aren’t necessarily more passive or white guys necessarily more aggressive. Instead, Asian girls are desired by all ethnicities equally. Asian guys like them because, well, they’re Asian too. White guys like them because they’re exotic, different, submissive, or some other kind of perceived notion. Therefore, the laws of probability assert that there should be a fair mix of Asian girl/white guy and Asian girl/Asian guy couples out there. Since Asian girl/Asian guy couples are the expected norm, an Asian girl/white guy couple stands out as an exception and causes people to assume the exception is the norm.
Undesired Asian Male Theory
This theory is the flip side to the Desired Asian Female theory, in that it asserts that Asian guys are perceived similarly to Asian girls: exotic, different, and submissive. Sometimes the added perceptions of being feminine, wimpy, and geeky are also prescribed. These traits are viewed negatively in Western societies, causing both white and Asian girls to have a preference away from Asian guys.
Undesirable White Female Theory
This theory turns the Undesired Asian Male Theory around and posits that white girls do actually want Asian guys, but many Asian guys don’t want white girls because of perceptions of cultural incompatibility and marriage instability (the belief that whites are more apt to divorce than Asians are). So while there should be a fair number of interracial couples on both sides, it’s the preference of Asian guys for Asian girls that limits white girl/Asian guy couples.
Sexist Asian Male Theory
This theory claims that Asian guys are sexist, chauvinistic, and even misogynistic, because of traditional patriarchal cultural values. Asian guys range from not knowing how to treat an Asian girl with respect to wanting them to be housewives and nothing else, similar to the Independent Asian Female Theory. Except this theory pushes the assumption further to say that Asian guys may even verbally or physically abuse their wives. Therefore, Asian girls choose white girls who have been socialized in a Western society where feminist thought and equality is more prevalent.
Asian Male Wife-Like-Mom Theory
This theory says that Asian guys want a girlfriend and ultimately, a wife, who resembles their mothers (in personality, not looks, necessarily) because of cultural influences. White guys, on the other hand, don’t have as much of a preference. Therefore, while there could be more white girl/Asian guy couples out there, Asian guys are going for Asian girls instead. And without such a preference, white guys are going for both white girls and Asian girls.
Special Asian Female Theory
This theory takes pieces of the Exotic Asian Female Theory and Undesired Asian Male Theory, amongst others, with the idea that Asian girls go for white guys because white guys make them feel special. With an Asian guy, the Asian girl is just like any other girl; they are not special in any way. But with a white guy, the Asian girl is made to feel unique and special. The underlying motivates behind the white guy’s behavior, according to this theory, are more than just him being an especially compassionate person. In this theory, the white guy is treating the Asian girl this way because he considers her exotic and different, but not submissive. Therefore, he is the one doting on her and not the other way around.
Dominant White Male Society Theory
This theory offers the concept of Western societies being white-male-dominated as the determinant of Asian girl/white guy couples. Combining several theories here, this theory states that white guys who have a preference for Asian girls can form a relationship with them through overt romantic gestures, unconscious social elevation benefits, and an air of self-confidence (which is considered an extremely attractive trait in Western societies). This air of self-confidence comes from being the dominant race/gender pair, thereby giving them an advantage in dating a girl of any other ethnic group.
Inevitable Cross-Pollination Theory
This theory suggests that as the various ethnicities and nations of the world intermingle, there will be an inevitable cross-pollination of interracial relationships. Therefore, there is an equal number of Asian girl/white guy and white girl/Asian guy couples out there. People just notice the Asian girl/white guy pairings more often because of the controversial assumption that the white guy is just dating her to appease his “yellow fever.”
Natural Love Theory
This theory put forwards the notion that it’s not about ethnicity, it’s about natural compatibility. It is just two people who love each other, regardless of ethnicity, culture, background, education, or anything else. Simple as that.
What’s your theory on Asian girl/white guy relationships?
