The Geek-Turned-Player Theory

Being a self-admitted geek, I’ve known many other geeks in my life. I’ve seen some grow up and become successes. And I’ve seen some grow up and become, for lack of a better word, players. Dangerous players.

Not players in the sense of metrosexual predators or greased-up Jersey Shore rejects. These guys are more clandestine. Girls don’t suspect they’re in the clutches of such a geek-turned-player until, well, sometimes never.

First, some background.

A geek-turned-player (GTP) grows up as an unpopular teen. He is the typical nerd, dork, dweeb, pick your favorite insult. In a phase where fitting in is so crucial, they stick out like a limb with gangrene. Though many make it through as strong, self-confident adults, this can foment into a deep psychosis for a few.

This bitterness can evolve in many ways. Some embody the taunts and turn them into strengths, such the skinny nerd who grows up to be a muscle-bound guy. Others harbor the acrimony until the acids melt away their relationships. Some do both.

A GTP is the latter; he does both. He also turns rejections from girls into a dictum of life: he wants to be a guy who can “get” all the girls who’ve rejected him. As you can imagine, a layer of misogyny pervades their actions. They want to get those girls, or girls in general, and hurt them.

Ironically, they overtly state a hatred of players, the guys who can go to any bar or club and get a phone number as easily as a mosquito can feed in a nudist colony. GTPs see themselves as the antithesis of the traditional player.

“I would never have a one-night stand,” they declare. “I will always honor and respect women.” Therein lies the danger of a GTP. Not only are they shattering hearts like a player, but they are unaware of it.

How do they get from geeks to heart-shattering GTPs?

After college, they tend to do well in their careers. They become white-collar workers and executives in well-paying jobs. They date a few girlfriends along the way who imbue them with some fashion sense. They may even start exercising and getting fit. To look at them now, you would never know they were scrawny four-eyed nerds in high school. Now, they look like intelligent, respectful, well-paid knights in shining armor.

At this age, these traits start to attract women in numbers not before experienced by these geeks. Where girls once ignored them, women are now being drawn to them like ants to molasses. And here they sit, happy as anteaters.

Much of this happens to average geeks, regardless of their proclivities. All sorts of sociological and biological factors play into this phenomenon. Single women in their twenties or thirties tend to seek men who are stable, financially, emotionally, etc., even if they didn’t seek those factors when they were younger.

That’s how I’ve lucked out, at least. Go sociological & biological factors!

The GTP differs from the average geek in his behaviors after meeting a girl. The GTP, flush with the exhilaration of meeting a girl, starts to behave like a traditional player. Despite his proclaimed position on one-night stands, his qualms melt away in the heat of passion.

Then he does it again. And again. And again. He starts to realize his sexual prowess and magnetism and begins to flaunt it openly, oftentimes to the chagrin of his peers. He believes himself to be God’s Gift to Women: he has all the qualities of a traditional player, along with money, status, and success. What girl wouldn’t want him?

However, he still puts on a veneer of respect. His misogynic beliefs are well-hidden. Women see him as a nice guy, even months or years after he has broken their hearts.

For the unfortunate, this heartbreak is infinitely worse than being with a player, because of the emotional connection made. Indeed, the GTP’s armament includes psychological weapons such as long, deep conversations, the kind that make women think about marriage and children.

Breaking up with a deadbeat player is one thing, breaking up with a potential husband and father of your children is another.

Deep inside, the GTP doesn’t see himself as a player, however. He still harbors a resentment of players and sees his actions as innocent. This belief reinforces the effectiveness of his weapons. Those long, deep conversations, as they are happening, are earnest and from the heart.

So what changes the morning after? Something subconscious. A switch flips. The emotional connection from last night fades as the excitement of new prey emerges. As soon as another woman starts up a conversation, the previous one is forgotten.

For the goal isn’t to meet a woman and start a wonderful relationship. The goal is to meet women. And to see if he can “get” them. The exhilaration of each new encounter has become a drug.

This is something the GTP never experienced as a teen. He never got the intoxication of fleeting puppy love out of his system like others his age. While most of us are moving on in stable relationships, he is stuck. He is a late bloomer who is addicted to the high of new women.

I haven’t seen much written about this phenomenon before. I suspect it is, thankfully, rare. However, I’ve seen it enough times to discern to articulate this theory.

The popularization of geek culture may be partly responsible for the rise of the geek-turned-player. Or maybe it has always been around and I’ve only begun to notice it.

Whatever the case, the GTP is a dangerous animal on the dating scene. I’ve seen female friends unknowingly wrecked from them. I’ve seen colleagues & acquaintances evolve into GTPs themselves. The result is always disastrous, especially for the women they’ve left in their wake.

Beware the geek-turned-player.

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The Danger of Extremists

I don’t take kindly to extremists. Especially those with a public platform. Such public speakers strive to polarize their listeners with provoking rhetoric. This can be dangerous in the minds of those who are easily influenced and in a position to inflict harm on others.

An extremist is a person who holds an extreme opinion to the point of disregarding facts that may refute the opinion or support a counter argument. The extremist will never admit this, of course. In that person’s mind, counter-arguments carry no weight and should be dismissed, no matter the strengths of the facts. Extremists may further harbor the paranoia that an opposing group released such facts as part of a conspiracy against the extremist’s point of view.

A person with a strong opinion differs from an extremist in the severity of the belief and the actions the extreme opinion propels. Strong opinions can ultimately be changed if there is enough supporting evidence to the contrary. Extreme opinions, by this definition, cannot, and may even be strengthened with fanatical zeal.

Many will argue with me about the danger of extremists. “What’s wrong with passionate devotion to a particular opinion,” they ask. “Without such passion, some of the world’s greatest art would not exist.” Neither would war, for that matter.

A stronger counter-argument is: “Humans are hard-wired for extreme opinions. It is in our nature.” That I cannot deny. It doesn’t change my opinion of extremists, but I realize it is futile to do much more than rant on my lowly website about them. And to avoid them, as I tend to do.

Another good counter-argument: “Isn’t this an extreme opinion against extremists?” Heh, funny. This opinion is not an extreme one. I don’t take kindly to extremists, but I do realize their contributions to society. Art is definitely one. Books, music, movies; some of the most moving creative works are born of intense passion.

The extremists I don’t like are those with a public platform and the desire to use their influence to inflict harm on others. History is littered with such examples. Adolf Hitler and Osama bin Laden are two infamous examples in the Western world. And unfortunately, I’m sure there will be many more in the future.

There are also many less heinous examples. Broadcast and cable television have given many the ability to reach millions in their own homes. The Internet has exponentially expanded that reach, though extremists on television still seem to have more influence than those on the Internet, for whatever reason. That will most certainly change in the future.

Bill O’Reilly is an easy example, though he would argue that he is not an extremist (or extreme conservative) and prefers to be labeled a “traditionalist.” He does have a public platform however: the O’Reilly Factor.

For better or worse, he is media savvy enough to know how to exploit this medium. The economics of television programs means those with the highest ratings stay on the air. In order to continue the survival of his show, he has to maintain high ratings. One of the most effective ways to do this is through sensationalism. And what is more sensational than a pundit shouting his polarizing views with fanatical zeal?

A show that carefully weighed both sides of an issue would not score high ratings, sadly. Most political issues are so complex that it would take hours to explain them all. No major media conglomerate would risk the loss of advertising revenue from such programming. (Thank goodness for NPR and PBS. Too bad more people don’t listen & watch them.)

Therefore, short sound bites about a particular political topic coupled with polarizing rhetoric is the best way to incite an audience and encourage them to tune in again and again. The end goal isn’t to disseminate the facts effectively; it is to cultivate a viewing audience.

Therein lies the danger of extremists. An extremist in isolation is not going to cause any harm, but an extremist with the ability to spread that opinion to millions could.

Let’s return to Bill O’Reilly again. In 2005, O’Reilly publicly denounced Dr. George Tiller on his television show. Dr. Tiller is a physician known for performing second and third trimester abortions. O’Reilly referenced the doctor as “Tiller the baby killer” multiple times across multiple shows. There is anecdotal evidence that this rhetoric may have influenced Dr. Tiller’s murder at the hands of Scott Roeder.

It isn’t fair to say O’Reilly directly led to Dr. Tiller’s death. The correlation is weak at best. But just as conservatives argue that heavy metal music and video game violence leads to violent behavior amongst teens, many have drawn a connection between O’Reilly’s words and Roeder’s actions.

Roeder has a history of mental illness. At 20, he was diagnosed with possible schizophrenia. His ex-wife believed he was suffering from bipolar disorder. He has also been involved with extremist organizations such as the Sovereign Citizen Movement (an anti-government organization) and the Army of God (an anti-abortion organization that believes murdering doctors that perform abortions is justifiable homicide).

It is fair to say that Roeder has a predisposition for violence in line with his extreme views. It is also fair to say that David Leach, another Army of God member and publisher of the anti-abortion newsletter Prayer & Action News (another example of an extremist with a public platform) had more influence on Roeder’s state of mind than O’Reilly did. But unfortunately for O’Reilly, he is more famous than Leach and therefore more influential on the nation as a whole. This is why he caught a lot of criticism for his statements, especially calling the doctor “Tiller the baby killer.”

In my opinion, no, O’Reilly did not directly contribute to Roeder’s murderous actions. But his influential voice did amplify Tiller’s demonization. Even journalist Gabriel Winant asserted that O’Reilly’s anti-Tiller tirades contributed to an atmosphere of violence around the doctor.

The influence of public extremists is strong, much stronger than many realize. With more and more Americans turning to commercials (yes, it’s true) and television shows for their political education, programs like The O’Reilly Factor and The Daily Show (I’m not biased here, even Jon Stewart holds tremendous and potentially dangerous sway) are becoming mouthpieces for political parties, whether they like it or not.

Since both sides resort to short, catchy sound bites instead of verbose, drawn-out arguments, the viewing public is in danger of falling sway to extremists with public platforms — especially those who are easily influenced and in a position to inflict harm on others.

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Premarital Counseling

I’m getting married!

My fiancee and I just attended our first premarital counseling session the other day. We don’t have any particular problems or issues. Premarital counseling is just something that is recommended to all engaged couples. It brings up common problem areas for couples, such as finances, children, in-laws, etc. These are all topics we’ve discussed before, but we figured it wouldn’t hurt to try this out.

The verdict from our first session: We are an awesome couple! We have lots of the traits of long-lasting relationships. Woo hoo!

Okay, okay, enough bragging.

The session taught us some interesting relationship concepts. They may seem obvious when you read them, but it’s fascinating to think of them within the frameworks they provide.

The Five Love Languages

According to Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the book, “The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts,” there are five basic ways that people give and receive love:

1. Words of Affirmation – Offering unsolicited compliments and saying affectionate things
2. Quality Time – Sharing your time and undivided attention
3. Receiving Gifts – Giving thoughtful, meaningful gifts
4. Acts of Service – Helping out around the house and doing thoughtful deed
5. Physical Touch – Holding hands, giving hugs, and offering physical affection

Each of us has a preferred way of showing our love for someone. At the same time, each of us has a different way of interpreting love from our partner. Happy couples tend to be ones that communicate their love in ways that match their partners’ preferences. Fortunately, these methods of communication can be taught and learned.

For example, if the husband tends to demonstrate love through giving gifts and the wife interprets love as words of affirmation, then the mismatch may cause the wife to think the husband does not love her.

Simultaneously, if the wife prefers to show her love with words (sometimes, but not always, the way we interpret love is the same as the way we communicate it), while the husband interprets love through physical touch, then the husband may think the wife does not love him.

This tragic mismatch can be salvaged by understanding how each person prefers to give and receive love. The husband can save his money and resolve to compliment her and say “I love you” more often. The wife can add hugs and shoulder rubs to her repertoire of love.

The Circle of Care

According to Dr. Carmen Knudson-Martin and Dr. Anne Rankin Mahoney, authors of the book, “Couples, Gender, and Power: Creating Change in Intimate Relationships,” there are four areas where gender and power issues can effect relationships:

1. Emotional Attunement – How in tune, sympathetic, and empathic one is with the other
2. Influence – How much one is able to change the other’s mind
3. Vulnerability – How much one is able to show and express vulnerability with the other
4. Relationship Responsibility – How much one takes responsibility for maintaining the health of the relationship

Typically, men are not taught to be emotionally attuned, show vulnerability, or take much responsibility in maintaining relationships. By that same token, women are typically taught to let men influence the decisions in the relationship. Although these are just stereotypes, more often than not, these gender roles persist.

Problems arise because the burden of maintaining the relationship falls upon the woman. This can lead to anger and resentment over time. Long-lasting relationships tend to have a balance of these four areas, according to Dr. Knudson-Martin and Dr. Mahoney’s research.

This means husbands should strive to understand and be sympathetic to their wives, especially when their wives just want to vent and not problem-solve (which men tend to do whenever they hear a problem). Husbands should also feel comfortable sharing their emotions and asking for help.

At the same time, wives should share in making decisions for the couple, speaking their mind with the understanding that the husband will listen and respect their opinions.

Premarital Counseling

Some of you are nodding your heads as you read this. Others are scratching your chins and going, “I don’t know about that…”

I’m no marriage expert. This is just what we’ve been told. They are interesting frameworks for long-lasting relationships and marriages, however, and definitely have merit. And I’m not just saying that because my fiancee and I share many of these traits (we are so awesome! Woo hoo!).

Okay, okay, enough with the bragging. We’ve still got more sessions to take and a lot more to learn. I should see how the rest of the premarital counseling sessions go before I boast anymore.

Turns to fiancee. Winks. Woo hoo!

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The Drama of People When You’re a Pet Owner

I love dogs. I grew up with dogs, have a dog right now, and would love it if I could raise my kids with dogs around because they make great companions and can teach them about being responsible when they’re older.

I also believe that pets are pets. They are a part of the family, but they are not human and it can be dangerous to treat them as such. Doing so can lead to the kinds of behavior you see on The Dog Whisperer. In my opinion, the better you understand a dog’s psychology (and realize it is not the same as human psychology), the happier the dog will be.

Not everyone shares this opinion, of course. There are extremes along the pet sentiment spectrum — those that hate pets a little too much and those that love pets a little too much. Bewilderingly, I’ve been running into these extremes lately.

The Pet Haters

These people hate pets. They may have a traumatic history with a dog or cat, were raised to be weary of pets, or have a genuine disdain for animals. As you can imagine, they typically aren’t vegetarians. At least, I haven’t met any vegetarian Pet Haters yet.

Around these people, you can’t bring your pets. They’ll shriek, shrill, and shrink back in horror. For all the cuteness you think your furry little friend has, they’ll see nothing but four legs of unpredictable fearsomeness. Even tame, well-behaved pets cannot break their shell of hate.

Some Pet Haters have an additional annoying trait: They go out of their way to reveal the extent of their hate. Woe to the dog owner who crosses the path of a Pet Hater while on an afternoon walk. The vitriol from such Pet Haters can be caustic.

The Pet Parents

These people love pets. They consider pets to be their actual children, sans the college education bill. The entire pet industry has thrived on such consumers, especially luxury services such as pet spas, pet restaurants, and pet airlines (it’s true, it exists!).

Michael Schaffer’s book “One Nation Under Dog” discusses how pets have become substitutes for children in millions of households. They could be single and only have pets to come home to, be married and cannot have children, or have children and give their pets the majority of their attention. These pet owners even refer to themselves as the Mommy or Daddy to their pets. (Note: My fiance and I use this label for ourselves in regards to our dog, though we don’t honestly view him as our child.)

Some Pet Parents have an additional annoying trait: They go out of their way to share the extent of their love. If you don’t care for your pet in a manner congruent to the love their lavish on their pets, they will brand you a bad, bad Mommy or Daddy.

The Pet Experts

There is a third dimension to this pet sentiment spectrum. These people love pets, but essentially regard them as animal companions that require strict rules and training. You’ll know you are in the presence of a Pet Expert if you catch one quoting Cesar Milan. (Note: I know I’ve done this a few times and am deeply, deeply sorry for my arrogance. I’ll never do it again.)

You’ll find that some Pet Experts may actually be very well-read on the subject of pets. They may be veterinarians, animal control officials, or animal shelter administrators. But just as easily, you’ll find novices that watch only The Dog Whisperer for their canine proficiency.

Some Pet Experts have an additional annoying trait: They go out of their way to pronounce their expertise. If they see you holding the leash incorrectly, you’d better stand back so their angry spittle doesn’t get in your eye. Watch out for Pet Parent / Pet Expert hybrids. Those are the worst.

How to Handle These Extremists

You’ve probably noticed a common theme here. Within each of these types exists people who go out of their way to tell you their opinions. As you may surmise, that is the crux of the problem. Everyone has and is entitled to an opinion on pet ownership. The problem arises when those people express their contempt for others who don’t share their opinions.

I don’t have any contempt for them as individuals. But I do have contempt for their arrogant behavior.

The same patterns exist for children as well. If you are a new parent, I’m sure you’ve encountered people who hate children, people who love their children to the point of spoiling them, and people who believe they know better than others on child care.

I’m sure you also have no problem with their views. It’s when they get in your face and shout their views at you that it becomes unnecessary drama.

So what can you do? I know of some who are always up for a good fight and push right back. I’ve seen more than a few heated arguments at dog parks to know these are fairly common.

I’ve tried that tactic. It only left me frustrated and my day ruined. The argument had no winners, only two people who walked away angry the other person didn’t share their opinions.

So what can you do? I say imagine that person in their underwear. Or a clown suit. Or in a hot dog costume being chased by hungry dogs. Laugh at their ridiculousness and walk away. You’ll never be able to change an extremist’s mind. Trying to do so is like doing math with bubblegum; it’s impossible.

Then go home and play with your pet. Pet therapy is the best cure for unnecessary drama.

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Mental Shortcuts

Life is more complex than you realize. This is not your fault. If you were to constantly think about the world’s full complexities, you would go mad.

In order to cope with life’s complexities, the mind creates mental shortcuts. Take the simple decision of choosing which toothpaste to purchase.

Do you know how many choices of toothpaste exist? Lots. Head to your local pharmacy and peruse the dental care isle. You will be greeted by all types of toothpaste with varying mixes of components in a wide range of packages manufactured by a dizzying array of companies.

How do you know which is the best to purchase? Or the most cost-effective?

You could research each one. Look at the components each uses, study scientific papers on toothpaste, and read studies on their effectiveness. With new studies being done all the time, you would have to keep up constantly. Or you could conduct tests of your own, buying new tubes and retesting each time a new product is released.

Now multiply this with other household items. Shampoo. Soap. Laundry detergent. Milk. Bread. Salt. Pepper. Batteries. Light bulbs. Screwdrivers. Toilet paper. Towels. Bedding. I could go on and on and on.

For something as relatively trivial as toothpaste or toilet paper, the amount of time and money spent on such research would outweigh the benefits of choosing the absolute best choice. Common yet inexpensive commodities such as these just don’t justify such a mental investment.

Therefore, we take a mental shortcut and purchase a familiar brand. Or whatever is on sale. Or whoever’s package attracts our eye. A good enough choice is, well, good enough.

Mental shortcuts aren’t used for all purchases, however. Buying a house or car would indeed justify such a mental investment. Expensive quality items can be had cost-effectively if enough research is done.

Mental shortcuts also don’t just apply to commerce. Prejudice is a mental shortcut. When meeting someone new, your mind instantly creates an impression based on that person’s appearance and external factors, such as situation, context, etc. Your mind does this whether you are conscious of it or not. Factors such as age, gender, ethnicity, clothing, and body language are all considered.

There is even evidence that your impression within the first minute can be fairly accurate. A study by psychology professors Nalini Ambady & Robert Rosenthal found that strangers can provide accurate evaluations of high school teachers after watching “thin slices” of their performances. These thin slices were anywhere from six to thirty seconds.

If you’ve read Malcolm Gladwell’s book Blink, the term thin slicing will sound familiar. He also cites a study by John Gottman who demonstrated that he was able to watch a fifteen-minute thin slice of a married couple and predict the likelihood of divorce in fifteen years with 90% accuracy.

Robert Cialdini’s book Influence even articulates how mental shortcuts can be used against consumers by salespeople. For instance, in certain circumstances, consumers who commit to buying something are more likely to honor that commitment, even when the price is raised at the last minute. Once they have made that commitment, their minds automatically work towards the conclusion of the transaction, even if some of the factors change.

Another consequence of a mental shortcut is the polarization of beliefs. It is easier to take a simplified, extreme stance on a belief than to study and understand its full, detailed spectrum.

The political landscape in the US has recently been reduced to Red States and Blue States. This polarization makes it easier for voters and politicians to declare their allegiances, as demonstrated in the documentary, Split: A Divided America. Red or Blue. Republican or Democrat. Conservative or liberal.

But issues are never black or white. They are shades of gray. Let’s take business regulation as an example. At the extremes, history has shown that a completely hands-off approach generally leads to monopolies, while a completely hands-on approach generally leads to overregulation. The healthiest choice would seem to be somewhere in the middle. But within typical political rhetoric, if you don’t side with an extreme, you are considered a weak politician.

However, such polarized viewpoints win votes. Correction: polarized viewpoints enhanced by memorable sound bites win votes. Politicians are learning to be more media savvy because their campaigns are relying more on their funding prowess. More funding equals more ads, which equals more sound bites, which equals potentially more votes.

Why? Because most Americans are too busy to follow every political discussion closely nowadays. The topics are too complex. Therefore, they use the mental shortcut of gathering information whenever it happens to appear to them – such as in advertising. Another unfortunate consequence of a necessary mental shortcut.

This doesn’t mean mental shortcuts are harmful. Without them, you’d spend all of your time trying to decide which toothpaste to buy. Or whether a salesperson is trying to cheat you. Or whether your political affiliations accurately effect your true beliefs. Ignorance of the details, especially in a busy world, can be bliss.

However, too much reliance on mental shortcuts can make you a pawn to those who know how to exploit you. And exploit you they will. They will take advantage of the efficiency of a mental shortcut to influence your sale, vote, or decision. But this doesn’t have to be the case. Knowledge can be your defense, as well as an awareness of mental shortcuts.

Like Cialdini’s book writes, and as G.I. Joe says, “And knowing is half the battle.”

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How to Live a Long, Happy Life

I intend on living a long, happy life.

It would be cool to be a great-grandparent, for instance. I’ve also got many things I want to do. Write books, learn new things, start businesses and non-profits, help my community. So many plans, so little time.

Age is not the limiting factor. Health is.

So how can I live a long and happy life? Dan Buettner, a National Geographic writer, believes he knows the answer. He founded the organization Quest Network, Inc. to conduct a study of “Blue Zones” – regions of the world where there are sizable populations that live active lives past one hundred years of age.

There are currently five known Blue Zones in the world:

• Sardina, Italy
• Okinawa, Japan
• Loma Linda, CA, USA
• Nicoya Peninsula, Costa Rica
• Icaria, Greece

Buettner and his organization studied these regions and discovered four key traits that all share, regardless of geography, culture, religion, or other factors.

1. Move Naturally
2. Right Outlook
3. Eat Wisely
4. Connect

Move Naturally

People living in Blue Zones don’t run marathons or lift heavy weights in gyms. They don’t sit in front of the TV or computers a lot either. Instead, they take a lot of walks. They climb up stairs. They hike up mountains. They even tend gardens, which require daily manual labor.

The Sardinians live on hillsides. So to get around, many walk up and down these hills all the time, even those in their eighties. Many Okinawans maintain personal gardens that they cultivate with pride. It’s not uncommon to see elders plowing and raking and pulling out weeds.

The trick is to do something active every day that you enjoy. That way, being active isn’t a chore; it is something you look forward to. And that’s why it works.

If you love doing cardio at the gym, then more power to you. Otherwise, take a walk around the block. Walk to the local grocery store instead of driving. Use the stairs instead of the elevator. Take a parking spot further away from the entrance of the mall so you have to walk a bit. Play sports with friends. Play the Nintendo Wii. Do something active everyday.

Right Outlook

Blue Zone inhabitants maintain a healthy perspective on life. They take time to slow down and relax from their hectic schedules. They use healthy outlets to vent their stress. They take problems in stride.

It’s not that they live boring, unexciting lives. Loma Linda is the home of a large medical university and medical community. Being a doctor is far from relaxing. The majority of these residents – those that regularly live long, active lives, at least – are also Seventh-day Adventists, a Christian denomination. Their religion aids in their ability to find peace with their frustrations.

Aside from mechanisms to dispel stress, Blue Zone inhabitants also deeply believe they have a purpose in life. That purpose could be as small as the Okinawan fisherman who sees his purpose is to fish so he can feed his family, or the Okinawan grandmother who knows her purpose is to care for her great-great-grandchildren. Religion also imbues a deep sense of purpose to Seventh-day Adventists.

Many don’t retire. They keep on doing what they enjoy doing, because they believe it is their purpose, their reason to get up every day.

Look for healthy outlets for your stress. Some use exercise, some take walks, and some create art to find relief. For others, it’s spirituality, religion, or their family and community.

A sense of purpose is also equally important. If you don’t have a reason to wake up every day and stay healthy, then find one. Spirituality and religion fill this hole for many. Family and community fill this for others. Still others find their purpose in their work or art. And sometimes your purpose isn’t bestowed upon you; it is something you go out and determine for yourself.

Eat Wisely

Those in Blue Zones eat healthy food in moderation. By healthy food, I mean their diets include a lot of vegetables and little processed food. Seventh-day Adventists are vegetarians. Okinawans eat lots of fresh fish. Sardinians consume homemade food. Each community has a different meal mix, though all contain a lot of vegetables and little processed food.

By moderation, I mean they don’t overeat. They don’t serve huge, American-sized portions. The Okinawans even eat from small plates as a means to minimize overeating. Others take breaks between servings. Since it takes several minutes before the feeling of satiation hits your stomach, taking a break can curb the amount you eat.

Include more vegetables in your diet. Decrease the amount of processed food and fast food from your daily intake as much as possible, or remove it altogether. You don’t need vitamin supplements as long as you eat a wide variety of vegetables, grains, and meats.

And perhaps even more importantly, reduce your portion sizes. Eat from small bowls. Take breaks between servings. You may find yourself feeling full without the usual volume you consume.

Connect

The last common aspect of all Blue Zone elders is their sense of family and community. To them, family comes first. Grandparents aren’t shut away in nursing homes. Respect increases with age, so the eldest are given the most respect.

They also feel a sense of belonging within their communities. Friendships endure throughout lifetimes. A person can count on a friend in time of need, and give selflessly when that friend is in need. You’ve got my back, I’ve got your back.

These tight bonds are formed with people of similar values as well. Everyone in a particular community shares the same core values of enjoyable activities (walks, hikes, etc), a healthy outlook (able to vent with each other, a feeling of purpose), healthy diets (natural foods in moderation), and a sense of belonging.

If you’ve been estranged from your family, consider making amends. Be the bigger person and take the first step at healing that bond. In cases where that’s totally impossible, foster the friendships you have, especially with those that share the same values. Consider being a part of a healthy tight-knit community, such as an activity group, special interest group, religious group, etc.

Is This Possible?

For some, this news is obvious to you. But for others, this may seem entirely impossible. How such a lifestyle can be followed in today’s society? I hear you. I know it’s not easy.

I don’t think it’s impossible either. It just takes some extra effort and a lot of discipline. Moving naturally and eating wisely are the easiest ones to do first, since they involve changes in behavior. The tough part is sticking to the new behavior long enough for it to become habit.

Having the right outlook and connecting to others are much tougher. The first involves changing a mental model that’s been ingrained for years. The second involves both behavioral and mental changes.

Part of having the right outlook is having healthy outlets for stress. This can include exercising, talking to trusted friends, or creating art. There are numerous self-help websites and books you can turn to for more ideas as well.

The other part of the right outlook is a sense of purpose. If you can’t find an easy answer, you are probably waiting for that purpose to come to you. Let me correct that misconception: that is not going to happen. Not everyone is lucky enough to be given their purpose. You need to go out and find your purpose. Create one. Look for something you believe in, whether it is a family member, a vocation, or a cause. As long as it allows you to follow these other traits and doesn’t harm others, embrace it as the reason you get up every morning.

Finding a community that accepts you is probably the toughest one to achieve. If you weren’t born into a tight-knit family or community, you will have to work hard to become a part of a healthy community. However, it’s worth the effort. Once you are in a good community, a sense of purpose will almost certainly come to you.

How do you find such a community? Church groups are an obvious source. Activity groups and special interest groups are another, though not all will give you an encompassing sense of community. Some people join such groups just to do the activity, then return to their own communities without further involvement in the group.

Neighborhood-based communities are also a good source. There are “gated communities” (a set of houses enclosed within gates) that try to engender such a sense of belonging, not only for goodwill, but for protection too (crime is less common in such neighborhoods).

For some, their work can also provide a viable community, though like activity and special interest groups, not all of the members may be willing to put in the same level of commitment as you. To them, it’s just a job, not a community.

I am lucky that I follow and have a lot of these traits. Hopefully I can continue to foster them throughout my long, happy life, and vice versa. For many, I had to work hard to create them. But once they’ve become engrained in my life, following them is as easy as eating and breathing.

Want to see more? You can watch Buettner’s talk at a TEDxTC conference on September 2009 about his study of Blue Zones. It’s a fascinating talk.

Now go live long and prosper. And talk a walk around the block while you’re at it.

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On Failure

It’s tough to fail, huh? It sucks knowing you’ve put your heart & soul into something, only to see it crumble to nothing.

The heaviness in your stomach, the stinging in your brain, the itch you can’t quite scratch. They’re all physical reminders of the horrible failure. The time wasted. The regret that you’ll never see what you were doing come to fruition.

Yup, it sucks ass.

But you know what? I don’t mind. I don’t mind failing. In fact, I quite look forward to it.

I look forward to it because it’s a chance to learn and grow. To evolve and better myself. Making a mistake means I pushed myself outside of my comfort zone and took a risk. One can’t grow if one doesn’t do that.

I’ve always been the kind of person who seeks to improve myself. One of the ways to do so is to go beyond my comfort zone.

In a previous dot-com for which I worked, we often set stretch goals. These were goals that were a bit beyond our reach. Beyond our comfort zones. Each time we satisfied one of those goals, we knew we had achieved something significant. It was a great application of basic psychology. Too bad that dot-com dot-bombed. Maybe the executive team’s stretch goal should have been, “Build a company that won’t bomb.” Ha! I kid, I kid.

My colleagues have all gone on to successful careers. They all learned from their stretch goals and from that company’s failure.

That’s the key with being comfortable with failure. Learning from previous mistakes. Accepting the negative feelings of failure and reframing the experience as a learning opportunity.

Experience is a harsh, yet effective teacher. She will beat you over and over again until you learn. If you don’t, the beatings will go on. Her motto is: “The beatings will continue until wisdom improves.”

So you see, each time I fail, it’s been because I pushed myself outside of my comfort zone in an attempt to better myself. And when I fail, it’s really a success. It means I’ve learned a lesson. The sting of each failure will remain with me forever, stronger than the insight of success will.

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On Patience

What happened to my patience? I used to be a really patient guy. Especially when a friend had a problem and needed a consoling ear.

I’m still patient with most things, I’ll humbly admit. Waiting in a long line at the airport? No problem. Slow cashier at the supermarket? Take your time. The dentist is behind schedule with lots of patients? That’s fine, I’ve got plenty of patience for your patients.

Have a laundry list of complaints you need to vent? Okay. Want to vent and re-vent that same list tomorrow too? Um, sure. Need to repeat the same vents all month long? OMG I’m gonna punch you in the throat.

Well, no, I’m not really. But I can’t sit still and listen like I used to anymore.

In my twenties, I used to have what I called a Jesus Syndrome. I used to believe I could and should save everyone. If anyone, friend or stranger, had a problem, I would be willing to listen and do what I could to help out.

Sometimes it meant just listening. Other times it meant offering gentle advice to nudge them in the right direction (leading a horse to water and all that). And other times, it meant driving over to their house and helping them hide the bodies.

To some friends, I was a big brother. To others, I was almost a father figure. I didn’t mind either. Personality tests have indicated that I have the temperament of a teacher or therapist, and the informal roles I’ve taken have certainly been in that vain.

But then, around my thirties, something changed. My patience levels dropped. Or perhaps it’s my tolerance levels. Whichever it was, I can no longer summon the energy I once had to sit down and listen to someone vent endlessly. It’s draining, as opposed to — if you can believe it — energizing, as it once was.

I attribute it to my mind being an empathic sponge. After having a particularly depressing conversation, I feel depressed. After a particularly angry conversation, I’m angry. And so on.

After a while, it’s worn me down. It’s enough to wear anyone down.

By nature, I’m a positive guy. I see most problems as fun challenges and opportunities. It can take quite a bit to wear me down. About thirty years worth, apparently.

I feel terrible about this. Losing patience and tolerance is frustrating. If I could wring out my empathy sponge and start anew, I would. Then I’d be able to console those that need frequent consoling again.

Or maybe it’s better this way. Maybe those that need frequent consoling can’t be saved by me. The Jesus Syndrome isn’t a healthy syndrome after all. Why should I want to perpetuate it? When I have a family, they will be the ones on which I want to lavish my energy and attention. Close friends too. But not any ole’ person. Maybe this evolution of patience and tolerance is a natural and necessary step.

Meanwhile, those that need frequent consoling would perhaps be best served by professional help. A professionally trained therapist, counselor, or psychologist.

Or, a punch in the throat.

Nah, just kidding. Go for the professional help.

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The Lens of Life: It’s All About Perceptions

The glass is not half full nor half empty. The glass has water in it, filled approximately to the middle. Or: the glass has equal portions of gas and liquid content within its cylindrical interior. Or: the glass is entirely full of air and water. Or… you get the point.

It’s all about perception. Life isn’t how it is; it’s how you see it.

If you see the world as a cold, harsh place, then for you — the world is indeed, cold and harsh. Sucks for you.

If you see the world as a fun & challenging place, then for you, the world is fun & challenging. Rock on.

Here’s a metaphor I use: my life as a series of lenses. My perception of life is influenced by the lenses through which I view it. Every lens is tainted by the grime of experience. In fact, each lens was created by the summary of past experience, heated in a cauldron of emotional responses and cognitive rationalizations.

It is impossible to be truly objective, unless you’re a robot or Vulcan. But as a human, it’s impossible because of the construction of our brains. Studies have shown that memories are forged through a furnace of emotion, for better or worse. Interestingly enough, emotional memories are retained better than those devoid of emotions.

Think about your childhood. Which memories are most vivid? Those that are most painful or happy, right? How about the 303rd bath you ever took? Why don’t you remember that one? Because it was mundane and relatively low on emotional content.

Over time, these emotional memories, mixed with your genetic predispositions (you can thank your Mom & Dad for that) and environmental factors (education, cultural upbringing, friends & family, religion, social status, etc) shaped your unconscious view on life. Together, this mixture hardened into a lens through which you now view your life.

Lenses are limiting. They limit how far you can see and what you can see. This is not a bad thing. It is a natural ability that offers you protection, your defense mechanism, if you will. Prejudices, assumptions, and beliefs all come from your lenses. Some limitations can be hurtful, some can be helpful, though the degrees of such are subjective.

There isn’t just one lens either. There are many, shaped through various phases of life. You may have your family lens, your work lens, your school lens, etc. The number of lenses depends on the number of wholly different experiences you’ve have and your awareness of, and synthesis of, those life phases. Living in a foreign country often splinters one’s world view and creates a new lens, for instance.

Mine include my family lens, my Chinese American lens, my New Yorker lens, my Californian lens, my traveler lens, my spiritual lens, my anthropological & sociological lens, my self-reflective lens, my self-improvement lens, my entrepreneurial lens, my technology-oriented lens, etc. There are many more I’m not aware of too, I’m sure.

As you can see, your lenses don’t map not just to your phases of life, but to the different ways you view your identity as well. And, of course, they all overlap quite a bit.

There are no right or wrong lenses, better or worse lenses, just degrees of helpfulness in society and influence on your actions. Some lenses may enable you to be a highly-successful person in some situations, but horribly inept in others. Others lenses may make you terribly miserable in some situations and protect you from harm in others.

However, you aren’t stuck with a particular lens. You can change your view, as long as you cognitively try. It just takes effort. Sometimes tremendous effort. But it is impossible for everyone.

How? For some, it’s simply a matter of being aware of your different lenses. For others, supportive friends & family can help. And for others, professional advice and help is required.

I’m sure you’ve met people who’ve changed the main lens through which they view life. They may be religious converts or political converts. They may be so excited about their new view that they won’t shut up about it. Such a person has had a major epiphany (which is generally how a major change in lens view affects a person) and is naturally excited about it, though not all changes are so grand.

Want to try a quick lens switch exercise? Imaging yourself as a soccer player. You’re on the field. You can feel the brisk chill of the afternoon air. The smell of freshly-cut grass is all around you. A trickle of sweat is at the corner of your eye. Other players are yelling at each other. The ball is being kicked around. You’re keeping an eye on the ball, your teammates, and your opponents. Your mind is flipping back and forth from anticipating where the ball will be and how other players are reacting to the ball. Your legs are also getting tired and there’s a side stitch in your gut. And damn, you’re thirsty.

Now imagine yourself as the coach of that team. You’re standing on the side of the field. Someone’s brewing coffee besides you. Your players are yelling, the other team is yelling, and the fans are yelling behind you. You’re keenly watching your players run up and down the field, positioning themselves around the ball. At the same time, you’re also watching the opponents and analyzing their positions in relation to your team’s. Your goalie looks tired and you’re worried about a potential goal. Another player is being overly aggressive and you’re concerned about the referee calling a penalty. Two of the opposing players are really strong and fast, so you’re trying to make sure your team doesn’t let them through your defense. Your voice is sore from yelling commands and encouragement to your team.

In the first lens, you had the view of an individual contributor on a team. You had to be conscious of your own actions as they related to others, while balancing your fatigue and condition.

In the second lens, you had the view of a supervisor of a team. You had to have a gestalt of the entire game and offer not only direction, but encouragement as their confidence rose and shrank.

That is a small example of a lens switch. Both views are totally correct while being entirely different. All of us switch like that daily, maybe even hourly.

Now consider this: what if you’re able to combine lenses? Or switch between both in any given situation? What if you, as a soccer player, also considered the game from the coach’s point of view? That’s what a team captain often does. Viewing the game through both lenses would put you on a path for advancement and leadership in this situation.

Combining lenses often gives offers such power and opportunity. It opens your mind to other views you may not have otherwise considered. It keeps your mind amiable to new ideas and new contexts.

You know the saying, “Never judge a person until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes”? Same principle applies here. When you’re viewing your situation through another lens, you’re revising the natural limitations of what you perceive. While you’re probably replacing them with the limitations of another lens, you’re still expanding your previous boundaries. And that’s the power of changing & combining lenses.

Of course, this is all an opinion formed through my own lens. This is how I perceive my life. You may perceive it differently and prefer to keep your current world view. In which case, I can’t help but think: sucks for you.

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People are Logical

You know when your boyfriend does something totally insane and for the life of you, you can’t understand why? Or your girlfriend says something totally inexplicable and you think she’s out of her mind?

What’s up with that?

Well, I have a theory: they are acting perfectly logically.

“What?!?!” you say.

“Yup,” I reply. Allow me to explain.

It boils down to a person’s fundamental assumptions of life. These assumptions effect that person’s predispositions, understandings, mental maps, and interpretations of the environment.

You can look at it as a lens filter for your camera. Each filter you put on changes the picture a bit. Some distort the picture significantly; others twist it just a little bit. Every filter affects the final picture, however.

Here’s another analogy. Let’s take the equation 2 x 5. If you assume that “x” means “multiply,” then the answer is 10. But if your assumption of “x” is “plus,” then the answer is 7. And if your interpretation of “x” is “minus,” then the answer is -3.

To give it a more humanistic light, if you see the world as a cold and harsh place, than life for you will be cold and harsh. If you see the world as a fun and challenging place, then life for you will be fun and challenging. While it is possible to change these views, we tend to validate our fundamental assumptions, thus reinforcing such experiences. It’s a vicious cycle.

That is how a fundamental assumption can change a person’s view on life.

With that said, a person who does something inexplicable to you is actually doing something logical in his/her mind. If you peered deep into the convoluted wrinkles of that person’s brain, you will see a set of assumptions that validate that action. To that person, his/her actions were totally logical, even though society and common sense may deem otherwise.

(Also, there’s really no such thing as “common” sense, but that’s a ramble for another time.)

Let’s look at a classic example. Joe and Jane have been friends for many years. To their friends, it is obvious that they have chemistry, yet neither has ever made an overt move for the other.

After much pushing and prodding, Jane’s friends manage to persuade her to host a dinner party, with Joe being one of the invited guests. After dinner, the friends make a hasty exit, leaving Joe and Jane together to finish off the dessert.

Joe pours Jane a glass of wine. He teases her about her alcohol tolerance and continues pouring her more wine. They laugh and heartily and happily. The night goes on and still they talk.

Jane moves over to the couch to get more comfortable. Joe slides next to her. He turns on the television and they talk about their favorite shows. Feeling buzzed, happy, and perhaps a little bit daring, Jane leans in and puts her hand on Joe’s hand.

Suddenly, Joe’s body stiffens. He excuses himself to the bathroom. Then he tells her it’s late and he has to go.

Confused and hurt, Jane calls a friend and tells her the full story. “What did I do wrong?” she asks. “What’s wrong with him? Couldn’t he tell I like him? Couldn’t he read my signals? I thought all guys would want what was coming next.” (e.g. Sexual intercourse. Gasp!)

Her friend agrees. What is wrong with Joe? The logical conclusion of the night, they both agree, should have been an unbridled romp in the bedroom, unleashing all the sexual tensions the two have held for all these years.

What Joe did was simply illogical, they conclude.

But was it? Let’s peer into Joe’s mind. First, what are his fundamental assumptions of life? Joe is a guy who still feels young and virile. He really cares about his friendships and loves spending time with his friends, whether it is at a ball game, helping a friend through a tough time, or going to a dinner party. Joe has two younger siblings, a sister and brother, both of whom he cares for deeply as well. He has the paternal instincts of a typical older child and tends to behave similarly with friends.

Do you spot any clues in there?

Yes, Joe does have some feelings for Jane. Being a man, he can’t help occasionally following his hormones. But he won’t follow them to Jane. Jane, in his mind, is a great friend, a friend he doesn’t want to lose. A relationship with her would be significant, not only because they are such long-time friends, but because they share a tight circle of friends too.

Therefore, logically, the only time he would try anything with her would be if he is totally sure she is someone with which he wants to settle down. Nothing short of that would do. At this stage in Joe’s life, he isn’t ready to settle down yet. He still wants to pick up girls at bars, travel the world, and do all the crazy things he feels he should before starting a family.

To Joe, dating Jane — even at this young age — would mean settling down and starting a family. Therefore, as soon as anything reminds him that he is on such a path — such as Jane touching his hand — Joe will immediately halt the moment and exit as quickly as he can. In his mind, this is perfectly logical.

In poor Jane’s mind, this is utterly confusing.

That’s just one possibility. Another equally logical explanation: Joe is a guy keeps his room tidy and organized. His books are lined up alphabetically by topic. His DVDs are by genre and director. He always cuts his hair and tucks his shirts in. The youngest of three brothers, he’s had both the advantage and disadvantage of receiving lavish attention from his immediate family. That doesn’t mean he’s spoiled though; he still does his chores and pulls his own weight, especially when he’s on the football field. And he’s proud, damn proud, that he’s seen by his peers as a tough guy.

So what happened tonight?

That extra helping of wine, that’s what. He’s a heavy partier. Known to slam down Alabama Slammers as quickly as a case of Coronoas, Joe is no stranger to alcohol. But wine is a different story. His stomach doesn’t quite react well with perhaps the sediments of wine. Or the tannins. Or something. Who knows.

What Joe did know was that he couldn’t stop drinking just because of a little stomach ache. Not him, a huge football player that could down a six-pack of beer like a soda pop. But when that stomach ache grew and grew, he became increasingly embarrassed to visit the porcelain pool and drop the boys off — especially during dinner where everyone would know what he was doing. He couldn’t risk that hit to his reputation.

His last-minute plan to run and do just that was foiled too. His plan: as soon as dinner was over, he would duck into the bathroom while everyone chilled and talked. The distraction of post-dinner conversation would be suitable for a hasty absence. Unfortunately, everyone else ran off before he could execute on said plan.

Then things with Jane started getting more intense. He could tell she was getting drunk. Perfect, he thought! But the boys were relentless. By the time Jane touched his hand on the couch, the boys were knocking hard. Know the term turtlehead? Yes. Joe had a turtlehead.

Joe wanted nothing more than to reach out, caress Jane’s hair, pull her in, and kiss her gently. But turtleheads have a way of killing romance. So Joe raced to the bathroom, let out a quick load, lit a match, and ran back home to continue his porcelain devastation in privacy.

And that, in a nutshell, describes every wacky encounter you’ve ever experienced on a date. It just comes across as utterly confusing because you aren’t privy to the other person’s fundamental assumptions and thoughts. But rest assured that your idiot of a date is acting perfectly logically — in your date’s mind, at least.

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