This Blog Sucks

It’s true. This blog sucks. And I’m okay with that.

It sucks because it’s not a true blog, in the strict definition of a blog. Wikipedia describes a blog as a website with reverse-chronological entries that “provide commentary or news on a particular subject,” or “function as… personal online diaries.”

This site is neither. It’s more a random series of essays. Some are true, some are fiction, some are the result of a writing exercise, some are mere rants and theories. There’s no time continuity to any of these entries, except for their publication date.

I don’t even write them in chronological order. Sometimes I’ll write multiple essays at once, then schedule them to appear in the coming weeks based on my fancies. The result is quite random. Some months, I’ve got lots of entries in the queue. Other times, I’m too busy and miss a week or two.

Also, there’s no predictability in topics. I’m not necessarily writing about what’s on my mind at that time. It might have been on my mind last month, but not necessarily this week.

There’s an exception though. I sometimes try to match holidays with essays about that holiday. Christmas posts during December, Valentine’s posts during February, that sort of thing.

That’s not enough though. At least, not according to professional blogs like ProBlogger or CopyBlogger. They’ve amassed audiences in the hundreds of thousands, or more. According to them, a good blog is one with a single topic.

A single topic means the audience knows roughly what to expect. Predictability allows new users to decide whether they should bookmark the blog, or forget about it. Eventually, niche audiences can form around topical blogs, turning them into repeat readers and, eventually, a virtual community.

That’s another thing this blog is not.

Instead, I take another route. I write for myself. For exercising my creative muscle, for disciplining myself in the craft of writing, for the therapeutic release, and, well, for fun.

I cringe when I read some of my old essays though. “My God, I wrote THAT?!” But hey, you can’t make a Writer’s Omelet without breaking a few Bad Essay Eggs, right?

Ahem. See? That last line is exactly why I need more practice. That is the real reason why this blog sucks. Not because it doesn’t fit someone’s definition or follow some someone’s guidelines.

It sucks because I still think it does. My writing skill isn’t where I want it to be. (I can’t believe I just ended a sentence with a proposition! Gasp.) I’m a perfectionist, I admit. I hold myself to high standards. Great writers can weave beautiful panoramas with clarity.

Me, I’m a hack. I pilfer, I assimilate, I adopt. I practice, practice, stumble, fall, and practice some more. Nothing good comes easy, right? (Yuck, a cliché.)

And I’m okay with that. All I’m aiming for is, in a few more decades, this blog will suck less.

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Unfashionably Conscious

It’s true. I’m unfashionable. I’m fashion ignorant.

I’m not the kind of guy who knows much about fashion. You won’t find me buying fancy shoes on my own. Nor a fancy shirt. Nor even know what all the latest brands are.

If you did find me buying something fancy, it was because a significant other was taking me shopping. Because they were sick and tired of my old, ragged shoes. Or faded t-shirts. Or worn-out pants.

Those magazines and television shows espousing fashion tips never register with me. I glance at the pretty pictures, think they looked too hoity-toity, then return to whatever I was doing.

I’ll even be the first to admit: you know that star from Sex and The City, Sarah Jessica Parker? Her character is supposed to be stylish and chic and all that, right? How come I want to claw out my eyes with hot hibachi sticks whenever I see her then? If you slapped white paint on her face and a red ball on her nose, I wouldn’t know the difference.

Or perhaps I just don’t know fashion. I am Jack’s complete lack of fashion sense.

I don’t mind though. I find it amusing that my wardrobe receives an upgrade every time I enter into a new relationship. And now that I’m engaged, it’s like I have a permanent personal shopper. Ahem. (Love you, honey!)

I don’t strive to look like a slob, mind you. I have enough common sense not to wear clothes that have large stains or holes in them. I strive for comfort. For utility. Does it shelter me from the elements? Does it hide my nubbin? Does it feel comfortable to wear? Then put it on!

See, that’s all I want. While I might not be abreast of all the latest fashion trends, I know what feels good to wear.

Some ex’s may disagree. Some may say I wear clothes so long that they go out of fashion, then back into fashion.

Or they would, were it not for wardrobe makeovers subjected to me by those same ex’s. Which, really, I didn’t mind in the least. They were just trying to do what they felt was best for me.

For better or worse, ours is a superficial society. People make judgments based on appearances, however slight they may be. It’s okay. I do it. You do it. We all do it.

If you saw a teenage male dressed in baggy pants that were practically on the ground, with gold in his mouth, hat turned sideways, what would you do? Other than try to get on American Idol?

Now say you saw the same teenage male dressed in a nicely pressed suit and tie and gold cufflinks. You would have a decidedly different first impression of the youth, wouldn’t you? Admit it, you would.

That’s no reason to become a slave to appearances, of course. As any sensible human being, you would probably wait until you heard this young man speak and share his thoughts before making any solid judgments.

Fashion can make a subtle impression. I understand that. You may not agree, or like believing that, but your boss or your in-laws are ever-so-gently swayed by what you are wearing when you first meet them.

I will also readily admit that it feels good to look good. When I’m at a formal event wearing a tailored suit, it feels good. Damn good. I’m no James Bond or Chow Yun Fat, but slip on a pair of shades, put a toothpick in my mouth, and I’m ready to pull out a pair of handguns from my pockets.

This is reason #238 for why I love my fiancée so much. No, not because of handguns. Because she has a knack for finding clothes that are fashionable enough without looking metrosexual (something I definitely am not), yet comfortable to wear. I don’t know how she does it, but she does it. And she’s teaching me little by little how do fish for myself.

The result is everyday wear that fits my base needs of comfort and utility. They aren’t ragged and worn-out, nor hoity-toity.

And, damn, it feels good to wear them.

Hint: she tells me one of the secrets of comfortable fashion is that a guy should feel good wearing a particular article of clothing. If not, no matter how fashionable the piece, it’s not going to look good on the guy. Apparently, when you feel good about it, you have more self-confidence wearing it. And as any woman will tell you, it’s all about self-confidence.

It may be true that I’m unfashionably conscious, but thanks to my personal shopper (love you, honey!), I can remain blissfully fashion-ignorant of the latest trends, yet find comfortable clothes that feel good. And that will never go out of fashion.

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Advice & Wisdom from Calvin & Hobbes

Who knew two cartoon characters could bestow such wonderful gifts? The gifts of laughter and wisdom. Bill Watterson, you are awesomeness with two legs.

Flipping through some of my old Calvin & Hobbes collections, I just had to pull out some of my favorite quotes. There are plenty more, but every time I open a Calvin & Hobbes collection, I find myself reading and reading and reading… and before I know it, an hour has passed.

• “2+7=” “I cannot answer this question, as it is against my religious principles.”
• “A day can really slip by when you’re deliberately avoiding what you’re supposed to do.”
• “A good compromise leaves everybody mad.”
• “A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day.”
• “As a math atheist, I should be excused from this.”
• “As far as I’m concerned, if something is so complicated that you can’t explain it in 10 seconds, then it’s probably not worth knowing anyway.”
• “Being a parent is wanting to hug and strangle your kid at the same time.”
• “C’mon, we’d better go outside for a while.” “How come?” “Mom’s getting that look.”
• “Calvin, pay attention! We’re studying geography! Now what state do you live in?” “Denial.”
• “Childhood is short, maturity is forever.”
• “Do you believe in the devil? You know, a supreme evil being dedicated to the temptation, corruption, and destruction of man?” “I’m not sure that man needs the help.”
• “Do you think babies are born sinful? That they come into the world as sinners?” “No, I think they’re just quick studies.”
• “Do you think there’s a God?” “Well somebody’s out to get me!”
• “Ever notice how tense grown-ups get when they’re recreating?”
• “Everybody I know needs a complete personality overhaul!”
• “From now on, I’ll connect the dots my own way.”
• “Getting an inch of snow is like winning 10 cents in the lottery.”
• “Girls are like slugs – they probably serve some purpose, but it’s hard to imagine what.”
• “Golly, I’d hate to have a kid like me.”
• “History is the fiction we invent to persuade ourselves that events are knowable and that life has order and direction. That’s why events are always reinterpreted when values change. We need new versions of history to allow for our current prejudices.”
• “I can never enjoy Sundays, because in the back of my mind I always know I’ve got to go to school the next day. It’s like trying to enjoy your last meal before the execution.”
• “I don’t know which is worse… that everyone has his price, or that the price is always so low.”
• “I don’t need to compromise my principles, because they don’t have the slightest bearing on what happens to me anyway.”
• “I feel a big sneeze welling up. …Which is always a sure sign that I’m not carrying a handkerchief.”
• “I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep everyone’s expectations.”
• “I go to school, but I never learn what I want to know.”
• “I had resolved to be less offended by human nature, but I think I blew it already.”
• “I hate it when I can’t gird my loins with funny animals.”
• “I hate to think that all my current experiences will someday become stories with no point.”
• “I have a hammer! I can put things together! I can knock things apart! I can alter my environment at will and make an incredible din all the while! Ah, it’s great to be male!”
• “I keep forgetting that rules are for little nice people.”
• “I keep forgetting that rules are only for little nice people.”
• “I like maxims that don’t encourage behavior modification.”
• “I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savior a bad mood.”
• “I must obey the inscrutable exhortations of my soul.”
• “I say, when life gives you a lemon, wing it right back and add some lemons of your own!”
• “I should always be saying, ‘My life is better than I ever imagined it would be, and it’s only going to improve’.”
• “I suppose if we couldn’t laugh at things that don’t make sense, we couldn’t react to a lot of life.”
• “I think animals are alway so cute.”
• “I think the surest sign that there is intelligent life out there in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.”
• “I try to make everyone’s day a little more surreal.”
• “I understand my tests are popular reading in the teachers’ lounge.”
• “I used to hate writing assignments, but now I enjoy them. I realized that the purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure poor reasoning, and inhibit clarity. With a little practice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog!”
• “I wonder why we think faster than we can speak.” “Probably so we can think twice.”
• “I’d hate to have a kid like me.”
• “I’m a genius, but I’m a misunderstood genius.” “What’s misunderstood about you?” “Nobody thinks I’m a genius.”
• “I’m learning real skills that I can apply throughout the rest of my life… Procrastinating and rationalizing.”
• “I’m not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.”
• “I’M SIGNIFICANT! …screamed the dust speck.”
• “I’m yet another resource-consuming kid in an overpopulated planet, raised to an alarming extent by Hollywood and Madison Avenue, poised with my cynical and alienated peers to take over the world when you’re old and weak.”
• “If good things lasted forever, would we appreciate how precious they are?”
• “If it was completely different, school would be great.”
• “If mom and dad cared about me at all, they’d buy me some infra-red nighttime vision goggles.”
• “If people could put rainbows in zoos, they’d do it.”
• “If warped values are the price of a vicarious thrill, so be it!”
• “If you couldn’t find any weirdness, maybe we’ll just have to make some!”
• “If you do the job badly enough, sometimes you don’t get asked to do it again.”
• “In my opinion, television validates existence.”
• “In my opinion, we don’t devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.”
• “Isn’t it sad how some people’s grip on their lives is so precarious that they’ll embrace any preposterous delusion rather than face an occasional bleak truth?”
• “It’s hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.”
• “It’s not denial. I’m just very selective about the reality I accept.”
• “It’s not the pace of life I mind. It’s the sudden stop at the end.”
• “It’s only work if somebody makes you do it.”
• “It’s psychosomatic. You need a lobotomy. I’ll get a saw.”
• “Leave it to a girl to take the fun out of sex discrimination.”
• “Life is like topography, Hobbes. There are summits of happiness and success… Flat stretches of boring routine… And valleys of frustration and failure.”
• “Life’s disappointments are harder to take when you don’t know any swear words.”
• “Mom would be a lot more fun if she was a little more gullible.”
• “My time is valuable. I can’t go on thinking about one subject for minutes on end. I’m a busy man.”
• “Nobody asks me how things oughta be! I’ve got tons of ideas!”
• “Nothing spoils fun like finding out it builds character.”
• “Now, a lifetime of experience has left me bitter and cynical.”
• “People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don’t realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.”
• “Physical education is what you learn from having your face in someone’s armpit right before lunch.”
• “Pretty convenient how every time I build character, he saves a couple hundred dollars.”
• “Reading goes faster if you don’t sweat comprehension.”
• “Reality continues to ruin my life.”
• “So the secret to good self-esteem is to lower your expectations to the point where they’re already met?”
• “Some people are pragmatists, taking things as they come and making the best of the choices available. Some people are idealists, standing for principle and refusing to compromise. And some people just act on any whim that enters their heads. I pragmatically turn my whims into principles.”
• “Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.”
• “That’s one of the most remarkable things about life. It’s never so bad that it can’t get worse.”
• “That’s the difference between me and the rest of the world! Happiness isn’t good enough for me! I demand euphoria!”
• “That’s the whole problem with science. You’ve got a bunch of empiricists trying to describe things of unimaginable wonder.”
• “The best presents don’t come in boxes.”
• “The only bright side to all this is that eventually there may not be a piece of the planet worth fighting over.”
• “The problem with being avant-garde is knowing who’s putting on who.”
• “The problem with you, Hobbes, is you’re always at a loss for words.” “I’ve found that saves many a friendship.”
• “The purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure pure reasoning, and inhibit clarity. With a little pratice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog!”
• “The secret to happiness is short-term, stupid self-interest!”
• “The strength to change what I can, the inability to accept what I can’t, and the incapacity the tell the difference.”
• “There’s an inverse relationship between how good something is for you, and how much fun it is.”
• “There’s more to this world than just people, you know.”
• “There’s never enough time to do all the nothing you want.”
• “There’s no problem so awful that you can’t add some guilt to it and make it even worse!”
• “There’s nothing prettier than new fallen snow on a clear, freezing moonlit night. …Through a window, that is.”
• “These are interesting times. We don’t trust the government, we don’t trust the legal system, we don’t trust the media, and we don’t trust each other! We’ve undermined all authority, and with it, the basis for replacing it! It’s like a six-year-old’s dream come true!”
• “Things are never quite as scary when you’ve got a best friend.”
• “This one’s tricky. You have to use imaginary numbers, like eleventeen…”
• “To make a bad day worse, spend it wishing for the impossible.”
• “Today, I go for the gusto.”
• “We seem to understand the value of oil, timber, minerals, and housing, but not the value of unspoiled beauty, wildlife, solitude, and spiritual renewal. We need to start putting prices on the priceless.”
• “Weekends don’t count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.”
• “Well, it just seemed wrong to cheat on an ethics test.”
• “What assurance do I have that your parenting isn’t screwing me up?”
• “What I like is when you’re looking and thinking and looking and thinking… And suddenly you wake up.”
• “What’s the point of wearing your favorite rocketship underpants if nobody ever asks to see ‘em?”
• “When birds burp, it must taste like bugs.”
• “When I grow up, I want to be an inventor. First I will invent a time machine. Then I’ll come back to yesterday and take myself to tomorrow, and skip this dumb assignment.”
• “When I grow up, I’m not going to read the newspaper and I’m not going to follow complex issues and I’m not going to vote. That way I can complain when the government doesn’t represent me. Then, when everything goes down the tubes, I can say the system doesn’t work and justify my further lack of participation.”
• “When you get something, it’s new and exciting. When you have something, you take it for granted and it’s boring.”
• “When you’re serious about having fun, it’s not much fun at all!”
• “Why should I have to WORK for everything?! It’s like saying I don’t deserve it!”
• “Why waste time learning, when ignorance is instantaneous?”
• “Without an appreciation for grace and beauty, there’s no pleasure in creating things and no pleasure in having them!”
• “You know how Einstein got bad grades as a kid? Well, mine are even worse!”
• “You know how people are. They only recognize greatness when some authority confirms it.”
• “You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don’t help.”
• “You know, there are times when it’s a source of personal pride to not be human.”

What are your favorite Calvin & Hobbes quotes?

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Premarital Counseling

I’m getting married!

My fiancee and I just attended our first premarital counseling session the other day. We don’t have any particular problems or issues. Premarital counseling is just something that is recommended to all engaged couples. It brings up common problem areas for couples, such as finances, children, in-laws, etc. These are all topics we’ve discussed before, but we figured it wouldn’t hurt to try this out.

The verdict from our first session: We are an awesome couple! We have lots of the traits of long-lasting relationships. Woo hoo!

Okay, okay, enough bragging.

The session taught us some interesting relationship concepts. They may seem obvious when you read them, but it’s fascinating to think of them within the frameworks they provide.

The Five Love Languages

According to Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the book, “The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts,” there are five basic ways that people give and receive love:

1. Words of Affirmation – Offering unsolicited compliments and saying affectionate things
2. Quality Time – Sharing your time and undivided attention
3. Receiving Gifts – Giving thoughtful, meaningful gifts
4. Acts of Service – Helping out around the house and doing thoughtful deed
5. Physical Touch – Holding hands, giving hugs, and offering physical affection

Each of us has a preferred way of showing our love for someone. At the same time, each of us has a different way of interpreting love from our partner. Happy couples tend to be ones that communicate their love in ways that match their partners’ preferences. Fortunately, these methods of communication can be taught and learned.

For example, if the husband tends to demonstrate love through giving gifts and the wife interprets love as words of affirmation, then the mismatch may cause the wife to think the husband does not love her.

Simultaneously, if the wife prefers to show her love with words (sometimes, but not always, the way we interpret love is the same as the way we communicate it), while the husband interprets love through physical touch, then the husband may think the wife does not love him.

This tragic mismatch can be salvaged by understanding how each person prefers to give and receive love. The husband can save his money and resolve to compliment her and say “I love you” more often. The wife can add hugs and shoulder rubs to her repertoire of love.

The Circle of Care

According to Dr. Carmen Knudson-Martin and Dr. Anne Rankin Mahoney, authors of the book, “Couples, Gender, and Power: Creating Change in Intimate Relationships,” there are four areas where gender and power issues can effect relationships:

1. Emotional Attunement – How in tune, sympathetic, and empathic one is with the other
2. Influence – How much one is able to change the other’s mind
3. Vulnerability – How much one is able to show and express vulnerability with the other
4. Relationship Responsibility – How much one takes responsibility for maintaining the health of the relationship

Typically, men are not taught to be emotionally attuned, show vulnerability, or take much responsibility in maintaining relationships. By that same token, women are typically taught to let men influence the decisions in the relationship. Although these are just stereotypes, more often than not, these gender roles persist.

Problems arise because the burden of maintaining the relationship falls upon the woman. This can lead to anger and resentment over time. Long-lasting relationships tend to have a balance of these four areas, according to Dr. Knudson-Martin and Dr. Mahoney’s research.

This means husbands should strive to understand and be sympathetic to their wives, especially when their wives just want to vent and not problem-solve (which men tend to do whenever they hear a problem). Husbands should also feel comfortable sharing their emotions and asking for help.

At the same time, wives should share in making decisions for the couple, speaking their mind with the understanding that the husband will listen and respect their opinions.

Premarital Counseling

Some of you are nodding your heads as you read this. Others are scratching your chins and going, “I don’t know about that…”

I’m no marriage expert. This is just what we’ve been told. They are interesting frameworks for long-lasting relationships and marriages, however, and definitely have merit. And I’m not just saying that because my fiancee and I share many of these traits (we are so awesome! Woo hoo!).

Okay, okay, enough with the bragging. We’ve still got more sessions to take and a lot more to learn. I should see how the rest of the premarital counseling sessions go before I boast anymore.

Turns to fiancee. Winks. Woo hoo!

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How to Live a Long, Happy Life

I intend on living a long, happy life.

It would be cool to be a great-grandparent, for instance. I’ve also got many things I want to do. Write books, learn new things, start businesses and non-profits, help my community. So many plans, so little time.

Age is not the limiting factor. Health is.

So how can I live a long and happy life? Dan Buettner, a National Geographic writer, believes he knows the answer. He founded the organization Quest Network, Inc. to conduct a study of “Blue Zones” – regions of the world where there are sizable populations that live active lives past one hundred years of age.

There are currently five known Blue Zones in the world:

• Sardina, Italy
• Okinawa, Japan
• Loma Linda, CA, USA
• Nicoya Peninsula, Costa Rica
• Icaria, Greece

Buettner and his organization studied these regions and discovered four key traits that all share, regardless of geography, culture, religion, or other factors.

1. Move Naturally
2. Right Outlook
3. Eat Wisely
4. Connect

Move Naturally

People living in Blue Zones don’t run marathons or lift heavy weights in gyms. They don’t sit in front of the TV or computers a lot either. Instead, they take a lot of walks. They climb up stairs. They hike up mountains. They even tend gardens, which require daily manual labor.

The Sardinians live on hillsides. So to get around, many walk up and down these hills all the time, even those in their eighties. Many Okinawans maintain personal gardens that they cultivate with pride. It’s not uncommon to see elders plowing and raking and pulling out weeds.

The trick is to do something active every day that you enjoy. That way, being active isn’t a chore; it is something you look forward to. And that’s why it works.

If you love doing cardio at the gym, then more power to you. Otherwise, take a walk around the block. Walk to the local grocery store instead of driving. Use the stairs instead of the elevator. Take a parking spot further away from the entrance of the mall so you have to walk a bit. Play sports with friends. Play the Nintendo Wii. Do something active everyday.

Right Outlook

Blue Zone inhabitants maintain a healthy perspective on life. They take time to slow down and relax from their hectic schedules. They use healthy outlets to vent their stress. They take problems in stride.

It’s not that they live boring, unexciting lives. Loma Linda is the home of a large medical university and medical community. Being a doctor is far from relaxing. The majority of these residents – those that regularly live long, active lives, at least – are also Seventh-day Adventists, a Christian denomination. Their religion aids in their ability to find peace with their frustrations.

Aside from mechanisms to dispel stress, Blue Zone inhabitants also deeply believe they have a purpose in life. That purpose could be as small as the Okinawan fisherman who sees his purpose is to fish so he can feed his family, or the Okinawan grandmother who knows her purpose is to care for her great-great-grandchildren. Religion also imbues a deep sense of purpose to Seventh-day Adventists.

Many don’t retire. They keep on doing what they enjoy doing, because they believe it is their purpose, their reason to get up every day.

Look for healthy outlets for your stress. Some use exercise, some take walks, and some create art to find relief. For others, it’s spirituality, religion, or their family and community.

A sense of purpose is also equally important. If you don’t have a reason to wake up every day and stay healthy, then find one. Spirituality and religion fill this hole for many. Family and community fill this for others. Still others find their purpose in their work or art. And sometimes your purpose isn’t bestowed upon you; it is something you go out and determine for yourself.

Eat Wisely

Those in Blue Zones eat healthy food in moderation. By healthy food, I mean their diets include a lot of vegetables and little processed food. Seventh-day Adventists are vegetarians. Okinawans eat lots of fresh fish. Sardinians consume homemade food. Each community has a different meal mix, though all contain a lot of vegetables and little processed food.

By moderation, I mean they don’t overeat. They don’t serve huge, American-sized portions. The Okinawans even eat from small plates as a means to minimize overeating. Others take breaks between servings. Since it takes several minutes before the feeling of satiation hits your stomach, taking a break can curb the amount you eat.

Include more vegetables in your diet. Decrease the amount of processed food and fast food from your daily intake as much as possible, or remove it altogether. You don’t need vitamin supplements as long as you eat a wide variety of vegetables, grains, and meats.

And perhaps even more importantly, reduce your portion sizes. Eat from small bowls. Take breaks between servings. You may find yourself feeling full without the usual volume you consume.

Connect

The last common aspect of all Blue Zone elders is their sense of family and community. To them, family comes first. Grandparents aren’t shut away in nursing homes. Respect increases with age, so the eldest are given the most respect.

They also feel a sense of belonging within their communities. Friendships endure throughout lifetimes. A person can count on a friend in time of need, and give selflessly when that friend is in need. You’ve got my back, I’ve got your back.

These tight bonds are formed with people of similar values as well. Everyone in a particular community shares the same core values of enjoyable activities (walks, hikes, etc), a healthy outlook (able to vent with each other, a feeling of purpose), healthy diets (natural foods in moderation), and a sense of belonging.

If you’ve been estranged from your family, consider making amends. Be the bigger person and take the first step at healing that bond. In cases where that’s totally impossible, foster the friendships you have, especially with those that share the same values. Consider being a part of a healthy tight-knit community, such as an activity group, special interest group, religious group, etc.

Is This Possible?

For some, this news is obvious to you. But for others, this may seem entirely impossible. How such a lifestyle can be followed in today’s society? I hear you. I know it’s not easy.

I don’t think it’s impossible either. It just takes some extra effort and a lot of discipline. Moving naturally and eating wisely are the easiest ones to do first, since they involve changes in behavior. The tough part is sticking to the new behavior long enough for it to become habit.

Having the right outlook and connecting to others are much tougher. The first involves changing a mental model that’s been ingrained for years. The second involves both behavioral and mental changes.

Part of having the right outlook is having healthy outlets for stress. This can include exercising, talking to trusted friends, or creating art. There are numerous self-help websites and books you can turn to for more ideas as well.

The other part of the right outlook is a sense of purpose. If you can’t find an easy answer, you are probably waiting for that purpose to come to you. Let me correct that misconception: that is not going to happen. Not everyone is lucky enough to be given their purpose. You need to go out and find your purpose. Create one. Look for something you believe in, whether it is a family member, a vocation, or a cause. As long as it allows you to follow these other traits and doesn’t harm others, embrace it as the reason you get up every morning.

Finding a community that accepts you is probably the toughest one to achieve. If you weren’t born into a tight-knit family or community, you will have to work hard to become a part of a healthy community. However, it’s worth the effort. Once you are in a good community, a sense of purpose will almost certainly come to you.

How do you find such a community? Church groups are an obvious source. Activity groups and special interest groups are another, though not all will give you an encompassing sense of community. Some people join such groups just to do the activity, then return to their own communities without further involvement in the group.

Neighborhood-based communities are also a good source. There are “gated communities” (a set of houses enclosed within gates) that try to engender such a sense of belonging, not only for goodwill, but for protection too (crime is less common in such neighborhoods).

For some, their work can also provide a viable community, though like activity and special interest groups, not all of the members may be willing to put in the same level of commitment as you. To them, it’s just a job, not a community.

I am lucky that I follow and have a lot of these traits. Hopefully I can continue to foster them throughout my long, happy life, and vice versa. For many, I had to work hard to create them. But once they’ve become engrained in my life, following them is as easy as eating and breathing.

Want to see more? You can watch Buettner’s talk at a TEDxTC conference on September 2009 about his study of Blue Zones. It’s a fascinating talk.

Now go live long and prosper. And talk a walk around the block while you’re at it.

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How to Speed Read

With an easy schedule, I can read about a book a week. I haven’t had an easy schedule in a while unfortunately, but I can still complete a book relatively quickly.

This is because I speed read. Now, I’m no lightning-fast reader. I won’t be winning any speed reading competitions anytime soon. But I’m guessing a book a week is faster than the average reader.

Interested in speed reading too? Speed reading is a “collection of reading methods which attempt to increase rates of reading without greatly reducing comprehension or retention,” according to Wikipedia (and if Wikipedia says it, it must be true, ha ha). There are many speed reading methods out there, such as minimizing distractions, skimming, meta guiding, subvocalization removal, and schematic processing. Let’s go over each one.

Minimizing Distractions

It is easier to comprehend a piece of information if there are few or no distractions around. If you’re at home, turn off the TV, laptop or radio. If you’re commuting to work on a noisy bus or train, try noise cancellation earphones with easy-going music.

Skimming

This involves scanning a paragraph to get the gist of its meaning. Many authors use filler words and sentences that don’t add to the message. Even words like “a,” “and,” and “the” can be skipped. In other words, don’t read and think about each & every word — glance through the text to pick up just the relevant words. If you get good at this, you can even read by common phrases instead of individual words. This is my preferred method.

There is a technique similar to skimming called the Z method where you read one line, diagonally sweep across the second line backwards to the beginning of the third line, then read the third line. This doesn’t work for me though.

Meta Guiding

Some people find it helpful to use some kind of visual guide, like a finger or pen, to follow the passage of text. By moving the pointer under the sentence you are reading at a brisk pace, you aid your eye in skimming the sentence. I do this when there are distractions I can’t minimize, though I do it more for comprehension and not for speed — meaning I move my finger slowly under the text.

Subvocalization Removal

If you sound out each word in your head as you read, you are subvocalizing. Doing this can slow down your pace. There are techniques to remove this habit, such as chanting a repetitive phrase like “A-E-I-O-U” or counting “1, 2, 3, 4″ over & over again as you read. I don’t do this either, though I sometimes subvocalize key words as I’m skimming. Perhaps slows me down, though it doesn’t bother me.

Schematic Processing

This method involves training your mind to read familiar words and concepts more efficiently, while employing specialized study skills for unfamiliar material. I don’t know much about this method, except that it’s based on the work of Malcolm Knowles and his theory of andragogy.

The drawbacks of speed reading are comprehension and lack of sentence appreciation. Comprehension is probably the main detriment for most people. Being an aspiring author, I appreciate a well-constructed sentence. Whenever I’m reading a great author, I will purposefully slow down so I can take in each sentence. However, I have to consciously do this; otherwise I will automatically speed-read my way through the book.

To combat loss of comprehension, I sometimes pause after an important paragraph or chapter and think about it critically. I will visualize the author’s message and find ways to relate it to my life and experiences. Sometimes I’ll conjure up other examples to support the author’s thesis. Other times, I’ll discover conflicts and holes in the author’s argument. In either case, this act of critical thinking significantly aids my comprehension of the material.

So that’s my formula for speed reading and comprehension: minimizing distractions, skimming, and thinking critically about what I am reading.

Do you speed read? If so, how do you do it?

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Go Out and Travel the World

Everyone should travel to another country at least once in their lives. More, if they’re lucky.

I know that many cannot realistically do this. Financial reasons, family obligations, schedule restrictions, health considerations. For some, these limitations are insurmountable.

For those where such limitations don’t exist: travel. Go visit another country. Learn enough of their language to say, “hello,” “good bye,” “thank you,” “excuse me,” “check please,” and “where is the bathroom?” Read about their customs, traditions, and beliefs. Strive to understand them, even for a little.

To be fair, simply flying to another country and visiting their main tourist attractions isn’t enough. But for many, it is perhaps better than nothing. For a while, you are enveloped in another world. Even that taste can help.

For a true learning experience, you have to talk to the locals. Walk off the beaten path. Eat something different. Observe the general populace. Behave as they do, within bounds. And above all, be respectful of their culture.

The benefit of traveling is the opening of your mind. You learn how another whole society lives, day in and day out. It helps you to understand, if even just for a little while, how a fellow human being lives. The world shrinks, if even just for a little bit. Prejudices shrivel. Preconceptions wither. Generalizations splinter.

The more you travel, the more your mind opens, and the more the world shrinks.

I remember a time when taking the train out of my home town was scary. My little suburban town was all I knew. Taking the train into the city was a huge event. It meant going someplace far, foreign, even frightening.

But once I did it, the city became part of my world. What I knew expanded while the world shrunk. No longer was it someplace far and foreign. It was just another place to go.

I remember a time when taking the plane from the East Coast to the West Coast was disconcerting. My coast was all I knew. The other coast was practically a foreign country with a different temperament, disposition, and even attitude.

Then I moved there. Both coasts became my world. Temperaments, dispositions, and attitudes were more similar than I thought. The world shrunk a little more.

I remember a time when another country was totally alien. My country was all I knew. Other countries weren’t just foreign; they were so different that it was easy to generalize their populations as charactertures of their cultures.

Then I visited one country. And another. And another. The diversity of the people in each was just as diverse as a New Yorker is from a Texan and an Alaskan and a Californian and a Hawaiian. There are more similarities than there are differences. The world shrunk even more.

Every country has its poor and homeless, its rich and aristocracy, its kind-hearted and selfless, its fools and racists, its leaders and managers, its good parents and bad parents, and its bad drivers.

Cultures and traditions may differ. Foods and languages may differ. Religions and skin color may differ. But everyone feels happy, feels sad, and gets pissed off like everyone else. While there may be cultural differences that underlie a group of people, exceptions abound.

Prejudice may have an evolutionary benefit, but it can also be harmful to you and other people. It can close your mind to opportunities. Traveling the world shatters many of those misconceptions. Or at least, it makes you think twice before categorizing someone or some idea.

So go out and travel the world. Watch it shrink. Experience and understand another culture. Eat different foods, speak foreign languages, and talk to someone new. Do that, and the world is yours.

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Asian Initiative

Ah, the good ole’ college days. Back then, I was deeply involved in a student-run community service organization called Asian Initiative. I was so involved that I was an officer during my junior and senior years.

Based in New York University, it was started as an effort to encourage volunteers to sign up as bone marrow donors. There was a shortage of donors of Asian descent. A few NYU students saw this shortage and took the initiative to start this organization.

A few years later, I joined as a member. By then, they had expanded their reach to include a nursing home program and an after-school mentor program.

The nursing home program allowed volunteers to go to a nearby nursing home that had a sizable Chinese American population. Some of the elderly residents rarely had family visits. They delighted in seeing children perhaps their grandchildrens’ age coming to see them.

We’d talk to them (those of us that spoke Chinese, at least), play chess with them, and host wonton-making dinners during Chinese festivals. Many were wheelchair bound and couldn’t partake in the wonton making, but they loved eating them for sure.

The after-school mentor program was down in Chinatown. We partnered with a grade school teacher who hosted a classroom of latchkey children. Latchkey children are children whose parents work late into the evening, leaving the children home alone. So instead of having them return home unsupervised, this program allowed them to stay at school and play games or get help with their homework.

Over time, this program became so popular with the students that some who weren’t latchkey children attended as well. We usually tried to mentor these children and help with their homework, though the majority, not surprisingly, preferred to play.

Aside from these main staples were a handful of fundraising events, most commonly bake sales. Our members would take the time to bake cupcakes and cookies to be sold to NYU students. The funds raised would go to buying wonton supplies, treats for the grade school children, or food for social events.

There was also a yearly carnival called Hunger Clean-Up to benefit the homeless that, for some unfathomable reason, always fell to our club to organize. We never really minded, though the reach was meant to be wider than just our niche of the Asian American community. It was meant to benefit the homeless of New York City.

Despite the emphasis on the Chinese American community, out of all our programs, the mentor program was the most popular. There was always a lively crowd waiting outside our designated meeting point to walk down to Chinatown. The nursing home program, sadly, wasn’t as popular. Sometimes we had to work hard to encourage volunteers to go. And usually, it was just a handful of the officers who would attend.

After spending my sophomore year with this organization, I bonded with its officers and became one of the more active members. In my junior year, I decided to run for the public relations position. If I remember correctly, I had one opponent. I won only because I was taking graphic design classes and made prettier flyers, I think. Whoever else was running was otherwise just as qualified, if not more so.

Right away, I found myself falling in love with the organization. That’s always been a trend in my life. When I’m part of a group whose mission resonates with me, I care for them deeply and work hard to make them a success.

I rallied a bunch of my non-member friends to join. I networked like crazy and reached out to other clubs. I put in a lot of time creating what I felt were snazzy and attractive flyers to entice others to join. I think I might have attended almost every event too, despite a crazy academic schedule and an on-campus part-time job.

When senior year came, the other officers encouraged me to run for president. So I did it without competition. That’s not as big an accomplishment as it sounds. A student organization president is a role with a lot of responsibilities and a high time commitment. The nature of our club attracted a lot of pre-med students trying to fill their volunteer obligations. Time wasn’t something they had in abundance. Relative to them, I had more time and thus, appeared a feasible choice for the presidency.

This experience became one of my most transformative. It taught me to be a true leader. I made just about every mistake in the book too. I tried doing everything myself. I became irritated by others who didn’t show as much passion as I had. I micromanaged others into what must have been utter frustration.

Thankfully, I had an understanding group of officers, an open mind, and, if I may say so myself, a fair bit of self-awareness. I tried to see my follies and changed as quickly as I could. Basic leadership tenants like delegation, motivation, and team building were all important lessons I had to learn.

The grand mistakes I’ve made, as well as the successes of the organization, are perhaps one of my most important lessons from college. At the time, they seemed horrifying and chaotic. I look back now in pure fondness though.

Some look back at their college days and see kegs and bongs and parties. I see Asian Initiative, the organization that I loved and truly made my college experience. Now those were the good ole’ days.

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On Failure

It’s tough to fail, huh? It sucks knowing you’ve put your heart & soul into something, only to see it crumble to nothing.

The heaviness in your stomach, the stinging in your brain, the itch you can’t quite scratch. They’re all physical reminders of the horrible failure. The time wasted. The regret that you’ll never see what you were doing come to fruition.

Yup, it sucks ass.

But you know what? I don’t mind. I don’t mind failing. In fact, I quite look forward to it.

I look forward to it because it’s a chance to learn and grow. To evolve and better myself. Making a mistake means I pushed myself outside of my comfort zone and took a risk. One can’t grow if one doesn’t do that.

I’ve always been the kind of person who seeks to improve myself. One of the ways to do so is to go beyond my comfort zone.

In a previous dot-com for which I worked, we often set stretch goals. These were goals that were a bit beyond our reach. Beyond our comfort zones. Each time we satisfied one of those goals, we knew we had achieved something significant. It was a great application of basic psychology. Too bad that dot-com dot-bombed. Maybe the executive team’s stretch goal should have been, “Build a company that won’t bomb.” Ha! I kid, I kid.

My colleagues have all gone on to successful careers. They all learned from their stretch goals and from that company’s failure.

That’s the key with being comfortable with failure. Learning from previous mistakes. Accepting the negative feelings of failure and reframing the experience as a learning opportunity.

Experience is a harsh, yet effective teacher. She will beat you over and over again until you learn. If you don’t, the beatings will go on. Her motto is: “The beatings will continue until wisdom improves.”

So you see, each time I fail, it’s been because I pushed myself outside of my comfort zone in an attempt to better myself. And when I fail, it’s really a success. It means I’ve learned a lesson. The sting of each failure will remain with me forever, stronger than the insight of success will.

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Love Virgin

Are you a love virgin?

Allow me to explain. If you go by the traditional definition of the word “virgin,” it means a person who has not had sexual intercourse. If you’ve ever bumped uglies in the night, hid the hot dog, or taken the bullet train through Yonker’s tunnel, then no, you are not a virgin.

What about a love virgin?

The term “virgin” can also be used in non-sexual contexts to mean a lack of something. A Pina Colada Virgin, for instance, is a Pina Colada cocktail without alcohol. A love virgin, therefore, is someone who has never fallen in love.

Some people go through life never experiencing love. Some do and don’t know it. Still others do and won’t admit it. While all three are potential dating hazards, the first kind — the true love virgin — presents an especially difficult case.

Most people have experienced it at least once. While there isn’t a limit to the number of times one could fall in love, it would be logistically difficult to have felt it more than, say, twenty times. Unless, maybe, you’re a thousand-year-old vampire or something.

For most people, love isn’t an emotion or a state of being that happens easily. It’s not like buying ice cream at the supermarket. It’s more like buying a condo or house, relatively speaking.

I’ll bet some of you are shaking your heads right now. “I fall in love almost once a month,” you’re thinking to yourself. “It’s not as rare as this doofus makes it sound.”

Sorry to do this, but see your bubble there? Now look at this pin in my hand. Burst!

If you fall in love that often, chances are you haven’t been feeling love. What you may have been feeling is infatuation. A very deep, passionate infatuation, perhaps, but infatuation nonetheless.

It is easy to confuse infatuation with love. Love isn’t a feeling that fades in a matter of weeks. It takes years, decades, even lifetimes. Or perhaps it never truly fades; it just evolves into a more elemental emotion.

Infatuation, on the other hand, is defined as an “all-absorbing passion” (see why it’s so easy to confuse it with love?) that doesn’t last. It doesn’t grow or evolve. It just remains at that level, then dips like the sunset.

If you are still in your teens or early twenties, it isn’t uncommon to be a love virgin. Some may even argue that you don’t really know what love is until you’re older, though I think that’s bullshit. But if you are still a love virgin at this age, don’t fret. You are not alone.

If you are in your thirties or forties, however, then you should be concerned. That’s a long time to go through life without ever falling in love. It isn’t impossible, but, well, something may be wrong.

Are you afraid of being hurt so much that you avoid relationships? Are you consciously or unconsciously isolating yourself from strangers? Are you ending relationships before they have a chance to mature?

There is something beneath the surface that isn’t quite socially healthy. Or at least, socially acceptable by the norm.

On the flip side, if you are dating a love virgin, then be careful. Just as a sexual virgin isn’t quite sure what to do with all the rods and cones, a love virgin isn’t quite sure what to do with all the messy emotions that come with being in love. This isn’t a slight against love virgins, it’s just a fact. Lack of experience begets lack of understanding.

For example, jealousy can play a big part in love. Most people new to love will find this curious, yet nagging emotion sitting on their shoulder from time to time. The little green devil may occasionally nip at them, throw an all-out tantrum, or crawl away and lurk just behind the ears.

With experience, many learn to cope with this emotion. They realize its roots in insecurity and put it away appropriately. However, a love virgin doesn’t yet have this experience. Thusly, the little green devil is out to play.

There is more. Mutual love is a delicate sheet of rice paper. Push too hard and it will crumble. Pull too hard and it will tear. With experience and a few failed relationships under your belt (no pun intended), you will hopefully have learned how hard to push and how hard to pull.

A love virgin at age forty, unfortunately, hasn’t had the benefit of such experience. Such an individual may unknowingly come on too strong and suffocate the object of their desire. So dater beware.

To be fair, there are many patient people in the world who can deal with a middle-aged love virgin, just as there are many understanding people in the world who can deal with a middle-aged virgin. (“You know what? I respect women! I love women! I respect them so much that I completely stay away from them!”) So it isn’t the end of the world if you are a love virgin.

But to those dating a love virgin, if you don’t have the patience or tolerance to deal with a new crop of emotions and lack of experience, be careful. Their only experience with love is what they’ve seen in movies. And as we all know, life isn’t like the movies.

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