The Art of Flirting (for Women)

You think he’s cute, don’t you? You wish he’d come over and talk to you, don’t you? Or that he’d ask you out, right? Or maybe even a plant a kiss. But he’s not. What’s a girl supposed to do?

Flirt! Flirt your cute little ass off!

Don’t know how? Let me tell you, from the guy’s perspective, what do to.

Smile

That’s the simplest one. Many guys are bashful creatures. They need an invitation for conversation or else they’ll risk the painful bite of rejection. Imagine a squirrel on the grass and you with a handful of nuts. How do you coax that little guy over? You’ve got to be disarming, charming, and show him your nuts. In short, you’ve got to show him you’re not going to bite if he approaches (unless, um, he wants you to). A smile is the easiest form of invitation. So smile!

The Second Glance

Some guys need more of a jump charge than others. One smile might not be enough. Even with copious amounts of liquid courage (read: alcohol), he might be second-guessing you and thinking that your smile was over some joke. So to silently tell him, “Yes, that smile was for you, dummy!” give him a second glance. Linger a bit too. Take in his scrumptious face, examine his eyes, think about how a kiss from his lips would feel, anything to keep your eyes locked for a moment. Even try a third glance if necessary. But don’t go any further than that, or else you’ll dilute the power of these glances.

Wear Something Alluring

Guys are visual creatures. Big surprise there. It’s a sad testament to our society that our self images are so media-driven, but you’ll find the odds of attracting guys in your favor when you dress well, feel confident, and look hot. A hint of a delicious perfume (but not too much!) can also add to your allure. Got great legs? Show them off. Great ass? Accentuate it. Nice cleavage? Well, duh! Pretty face and great smile? Even better! You’re beautiful, so show yourself off!

Laugh at His Jokes

This is such a cheesy one that I hesitated in including it. But it’s so darn effective that I’d be cheating you if I didn’t. Sure, he could be full of cheesy jokes and potty humor, but you’ll make him feel like a million bucks if he thinks he’s funny. Every guy has heard that girls like a guy with a sense of humor. Laugh, and you’ll build up his confidence. Psychologically and biologically, you’ll also have a better time as you smile and laugh too, even if it’s all fake (strange but true, read any psychological journal).

Compliment Him

On the theme of cheesy but effective methods, there’s also compliments. Just don’t be too obviously fake about them and don’t overwhelm him with ass-kissing praise. But a gentle sprinkle of compliments will further his confidence in himself and his good feelings towards you. Did you know that even fake flattery is somewhat effective? (That’s why ass-kissers at work get so far. No one ever said the world is fair and makes sense, right?)

Touch Him Lightly

Find an opportunity to come into light physical contact with him, like patting him on the arm or thigh, leaning up against him, or tussling his hair. I don’t mean heavy petting; calm yourself down girl, that’s for later! Your gentle touches will send subtle signals into his brain that you’re someone he can touch back in the future. It’s like scratching a dog behind his ears; you’ll need to win him first before he’ll let you scratch his belly. (Actually, that analogy totally fails, because that same dog will have no problem humping you with nothing more than a smile, but eh, you get the point.)

Lean In Close to Him

Somewhat similar to touching him lightly is leaning close to him. Seductively enter into his personal space. Not too close right away, where you’re breathing out of his nose. You just want to tease him a bit. He’ll be able to smell you and see you closely now. If there are sparks, you both will feel them now too. If not, then perhaps he’s a dud.

Look Into His Eyes

This may seem obvious to some, but hard to do for others. Lock eyes with him as he talks. I don’t mean turning it into a staring contest, but make ample eye contact during your conversation. If you’re shy, take note of his eye color and try to discern the secrets of his soul from those two glassy orbs. This will show him you’re interested, further boosting his confidence. Look away, and he’ll think you’re not interested or that he’s boring you. That could be your death knell and the surest way back to Mr. Rabbit.

Ask Him About Him

Lots of people like talking about themselves. So ask him questions about his life, his work, his hobbies, etc. (Avoid questions about previous relationships though, that’s a no-no this early on in the game.) You’ll not only find out more about this cute guy, but you’ll have him leave the encounter pleased, for it’s another psychological marvel that people who talked about themselves a lot tend to unconsciously rate those experiences as happy ones. (The mind’s a wondrous place, eh?)

Pay Attention to Him

Perhaps fairly obvious, this one should be stated nonetheless. Don’t get so caught up in staring at his eyes and asking him questions that you forget to listen to what he’s saying. If you find yourself thinking about the next question, stop. Listen to him. I mean, really listen to him. Listen for commonalities between the two of you. Share a little about yourself in similar situations. Don’t just sit there like a rock, interact with him and show him a bit of yourself. This will help you evaluate whether he’s really worth your time as well.

Leave Him Openings for Dates

Now that you’ve got the little guy eating out of the palm of your hand, give him some easy opportunities for asking you out. Mention a new restaurant you’ve been dying to try. Or a new musical that’s in town. Be prepared to clear some lower-priority items out of your schedule too, because if you’re always busy, he’ll take that as a sign that you’re not that interested, may have other guys on the side, or are too busy to be worth dating.

This all assumes the target of your affections is worth your heart. If he doesn’t respond to any of these, then either he is Just Not That Into You (read the book!), an utter social moron, or gay. Assuming he’s none of those, then you can rest easy knowing you’ve given him enough of the proper signals. The rest is now up to him. Good luck, ladies!

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The Rules of Dating

Ah yes, that ever-illusive activity, as exasperating as it is exhilarating. Both loved and loathed, dreaded and desired. Like a wish whispered under a full moon’s light.

I speak of dating, of course. That favorite ritual of guys and dolls. What fun!

There are rules, of course. There are always rules. These come from years of agonizing personal experience and stories related to me from wiser minds. They only apply a snapshot: the coastal metropolitans of the United States in the beginning of the second millennium. Any further than that, and I’m afraid I’m as helpful as a pet monkey in chemistry class.

Getting the Date

For Men

It’s pretty simple. Ask her out.

Sure, she could say “No.” But then, all she did was say “No.” She didn’t pull out a knife and cleave off your toes, right? It may feel like she pulled out a knife and cleaved out your heart, but if you never ask her out, you’ll have a million shards piercing your heart for every day you pass her by.

Generally, a “No” is a “No,” though some men use this as an invitation for persistence, and often with mixed results. If you’re in doubt, a “No” is a “No.” Use your discretion otherwise. A man is being persistent if the woman has some interest in him; he’s a stalker if she does not.

Not asking her out could put you on her friends list. Once you’re on her friends list, it’s not easy to get off. Women think of male friends as great buddies that can provide solace or advice on the male mind. But nothing more. If you like her, avoid her friends list.

Occasionally, a woman will ask you out. That’s perfectly acceptable nowadays, though not everyone shares this belief. Just because it is acceptable doesn’t mean you can use it as an excuse, however. If you sit on your ass waiting for her to ask you out, then your ass is going to get sore and her ass is moving on.

For Women

It really is just as simple for women, though it’s not yet a universal belief or practice. Ask him out.

Otherwise, the name of the game is leaving breadcrumbs. That means leading him to ask you out. Yes, I called this a game because you are now in the domain of ambiguous signs. Does he like me or doesn’t he? Can’t he tell that I like him? The interpretive dance of leaving breadcrumbs can be a frustrating one. As long as you realize this, and are set on taking this path, there are techniques to improve the reliability of your signs.

Smile when you see him. Study his eyes. Ask him questions. Men love talking about themselves. Touch him on the arm, back, or leg. Physical contact adds a “lets be more than just friends” intimacy.

Then leave him some opportunities for asking you out. Tell him about a great new restaurant you’ve been meaning to try. Or how you’ve always wanted to see that new art exhibit or take a walk by that crystal-clear lake. Leave him a breadcrumb trail to the words, “Want to go out with me?”

But beware of his friends list. If hanging out with you is just as entertaining as his guy buddies, you’ll be just another one of his buddies. He may not want to lose your friendship over something as tumultuous as, oh, a romantic relationship. If you like him, avoid his friends list.

Unfortunately for women, asking someone out on a date is much easier for a man. Especially in terms of being turned down. The worst she can say is “No,” leaving the man sure of how she feels. Not so for women trying to leave breadcrumbs. You’ll have to contend with guesses, second-guesses, and all of your girlfriends’ guesses. But the answer is simple. If you’ve left ample breadcrumbs and he hasn’t asked you out, then his ass isn’t interested. So forget the ass and move on.

Preparing for the First Date

For Men

The first date isn’t like a spontaneous night with your drinking buddies. You have to plan it with care. The date should allow an opportunity for conversation and match your mutual interests. If you both love rock climbing, go climb a beautiful mountain. If you’re not entirely sure of her interests, a coffee or dinner is a safe choice. A coffee is a low-cost, low-effort way to meet someone new. If there is no chemistry, it can be a quick coffee. If there is chemistry, it can be followed up by a dinner.

Find out which cuisines whet her appetite, or at least which ones don’t. That will help narrow your restaurant choices down. Make a reservation so you can guarantee a table. It’s generally safer to select a familiar place that you know to be quiet enough for conversation and dim enough for mystery. But don’t go so often that the staff is taking bets on how long this new relationship will last.

Plan for a possible after-meal activity. No, I don’t mean that; never expect anything more than a hug after a first date. Take her for a casual stroll through a park or shop-lined street if the conversation is lively enough that ending it would be too cruel. Or take her ice skating, ceramic painting, or even bowling if that suits you both better. Keep this in mind when selecting a restaurant, so you don’t have to go across town after dinner.

Dress comfortably and handsomely. Since you may be nervous, put on clothes that make you feel confident and at ease. Dress for the occasion. Don’t wear a suit & tie if you’re going rock climbing and don’t wear a t-shirt & shorts if you’re going to the opera. If you’re still unsure, dress one notch better than the usual patrons of your destination.

Though it should be obvious: practice good hygiene. Brush your teeth. Comb your hair. Wash your face. Put on deodorant. Consider bringing breath mints. And avoid foods that may produce gastric gases before and during the date.

For Women

Safety should be the primary concern. Carry a fully-charged mobile phone set on vibrate. Inform at least one friend about your date. If you know very little about the guy, consider choosing a time at which your friend will call you. Select a moment when the date may reasonably end. If the date is a bore, this can be your rescue call. If the date has concluded, this can be your gossip call. If the date is electrifying, tell your friend to call back later.

Meet him at the destination. Don’t have him pick you up for a first date, as your address should be reserved for people you’ve confirmed are good. He may ask which part of town you’re in; this is fine, just don’t give him any more than that for now. This is also for safety reasons. Why invite a potential stalker to your place, right?

Dress comfortably and cute. Wear something that will make you feel confident and at ease. If the evening weather may be chilly, bring a jacket or warm covering. Don’t assume the guy will have a jacket to offer, or will offer it should he have one. If you’re going hiking, don’t wear high heels. If you’re going to the opera, don’t wear sandals. Dress appropriately for the occasion. If you’re still unsure, again, one notch above the rest is a safe choice.

Good hygiene is important for both sexes. However, don’t overdo the make-up. Apply what you normally would, even if that is none at all. If you wear jewelry, consider one especially sparkling piece, not multiple pieces. As with your clothing, put on enough to make you feel confident and at ease. Men are attracted to alluring scents, but don’t overdo your perfume, for too much can offend the senses.

On the First Date

For Men

Be on time or earlier if possible. Call if you’re going to be late.

When she arrives, greet her warmly with a gentle hug. Some prefer a handshake, though this can seem too formal a gesture. Take note of how she looks. She may have put a lot of effort into looking nice for you; the least you can do is notice it. Compliment her endearingly, particularly on her accessories. Maybe her earrings are stirring or her necklace is charming. If you’re at a lack of words, at least say, “You look great!”

Old-world chivalry like opening doors, holding out chairs, and helping her remove & put on her coat isn’t as necessary anymore. But they can score you extra points where other men fail. Though it’s not common, there are some women who may take offense to these behaviors. As a default, be attentive and practice common decency, but don’t worry yourself over exorbitant displays of chivalry.

Ask her questions. Women love talking about themselves. Listen. Enjoy her company. Delight in her fancies. This is why you asked her out, right?

Don’t tell her your life story. Let the conversation grow like a flower, leaning where the wind takes it. Reveal snapshots of yourself, but not the full picture. This is a date, not a confessional. Don’t be judgmental. Keep an open mind. Don’t talk about previous relationships. If she frequently discusses her ex-boyfriend, it could mean there’s still a flame of desire for him. And vice versa. Don’t lie. If you start a potential relationship with a lie, it will starve for integrity.

Have fun. Be yourself. You’re on a date because you want to discover if there’s mutual interest, right? If you act like someone else, and she likes that someone else, then how are you going to find out if she likes, you know, you?

If the date isn’t going well, finish out your activities, then conclude it amiably. Be honest about your feelings. Don’t pummel her with a list of faults, but don’t mislead her into thinking that you’ll call either.

If the date is going well, suggest the after-meal activity you planned earlier. It’s not necessarily a negative sign if she turns you down; she may be genuinely tired.

Pay for the dinner. Though this practice is debated by some, err on the side of paying. Use your discretion if she strongly urges to split the bill. But if in doubt, pay for the dinner.

End the date with a warm hug. A kiss on the cheek is also acceptable if she seems willing and the chemistry has been bubbling.

For Women

Be on time. Call if you’re going to be late. Greet him warmly with a gentle hug. Smile and accept any compliments he may give you.

Ask him questions. Men love talking about themselves. Listen. Enjoy his company. Find out interesting things about him. Some argue that you should laugh at his lame jokes; you may out of politeness, since he may be trying to impress you with jokes he normally wouldn’t say. But if you genuinely don’t like his humor, laughing at his jokes will only positively reinforce them.

Don’t tell him your life story. Let him savor bits of you. Small desserts always leave a person wanting more. Don’t be judgmental. Keep an open mind. Don’t talk about previous relationships. Don’t talk about your desire for family or children (if such is the case). The first date is not the opportunity to bring up these topics. Don’t drink more alcohol than you can safely handle. Don’t go past the point of sobriety. Don’t lie. Lies, even innocent lies, are holes in a relationship. Too many of them will sink it.

Have fun. Be yourself. Enjoy the electricity if you feel it in the air. Be polite and respectful if you don’t. If he asked you out, he’s probably nervous and trying hard to impress you. Thus, you are the lead in this dance.

If the date isn’t going well, finish out your activities and conclude it amiably. Don’t give him the false hope that you want to see him again, but don’t criticize him either. Be gentle. You know, he tried.

If your friend makes her check-up call, don’t answer it in front of the guy. Excuse yourself to the restroom discreetly. Some men are aware of this technique and will use your reaction to the call as a gauge of your interest.

Offer to pay for the dinner. If he refuses your payment, offer to pay the tip. If he still refuses your payment, accept his gesture graciously. Some believe that the bill should be split evenly, especially on a bad date. Use your discretion, as some men may take offense at splitting the bill.

End the date with a warm hug. If you felt that extra-special sparkle, give him a kiss on the cheek. Then smile, and say “Good night.”

After the First Date

For Men

Assuming the date went well, call her the next day if you want to. Despite common knowledge, there is no minimum waiting period before you can call. There is a maximum, however. This differs from woman to woman, though it’s generally five-to-seven days. If you wait too long, you’ve lost her. Too long means you’re either too busy for her (bad), seeing other women (bad), are not so sure you’re interested (bad), or are not interested at all (obviously bad). Text messaging doesn’t count as a call.

If the date did not go well, stay positive. Dating isn’t easy. Rejections in dating are as inevitable as pimples in adolescence. Just don’t let them deter you from the delights of meeting interesting women, and possibly more.

For Women

Many men are selfishly weak when it comes to turning down a woman. Even if he assured you that he would call, it is still difficult to know for certain. If he doesn’t call for about a week, he could be too busy for you, seeing other women, am not sure he’s interested, or is sure he’s not interested at all. None of those situations are desirable.

When he calls, answer. Some women believe that answering immediately is a sign of desperation; they instead argue that his call should only be returned after one or two messages. Use your judgment here, as some men may take that practice as a sign of rejection.

If the date did not go well, stay positive. Dating isn’t easy. You may have to kiss many frogs before you find a prince. Even though not every date will end with a fairy tale, enjoy the company of all these suitors. It’s hard for many men to find this courage; at least they felt you were worth their affections and tried to impress you.

The Golden Rule

But if you really want to know the most important rule of dating, for both men and women, it’s this:

Screw all the rules and just be yourself.

There are as many exceptions as there are people with the last name Lee. Read: a heck of a lot. So take these rules as mere guidelines. If you’re lost and unsure of the next step, perhaps these can help. They are basically beacons in the dark fog of dating.

And know this: you will not find your prince or princess by following a set of rules, but you will by following your heart.

What are your rules for dating?

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Guy Romance

I love a good action flick. Mindless, heart-pounding, knife-wielding, gun-totting, ass-kicking, chunk-full-of-cliches, action movie.

The hero walks into a room with a hundred bad guys. The odds are against him. They all have swords and rifles and rocket launchers. He has a pencil sharpener. And yet, he still manages to kick all of their asses.

God I love that.

Laugh if you want. There’s something about honor and sacrifice and going after the bad guys to rescue your kidnapped lady love that is—well, not to be sissy about it, but well—romantic.

Now why is that? So I wrote some lines of code today, or filed an important memo, or made some great sales. But did I save anyone’s life? Did I prove to myself and my loved ones how strong I am by kicking some bad guy’s ass?

Policemen, firefighters, and doctors, they get to do that. That’s why those professions are so cool. That’s why there are so many TV shows and movies about them. They’re doing what most men wish they could do.

So why don’t we? Because some of us weren’t given the talents to be good policemen, firefighters, or doctors. Because some of us chose an office job so we could provide a different kind of sustenance for our families. And deep inside, perhaps that makes us feel like we’ve wimped out in some way.

Have we? Nah. We really haven’t, if you think about it. Any given society needs all kinds of roles. There can be only so many policemen, firefighters, and doctors (although arguably, there are still too few of them).

Our societies have created very desirable roles as white-collared working professionals. Financial success and stability has replaced bloodlust. In many ways, that’s a good thing. I don’t think anyone really wants to return to a past where we had to carry around a sword and protect ourselves from barbarian hordes.

At least, not overtly. But subconsciously, perhaps there’s a part of the male brain that misses that kind of heroism. The primeval need for kicking ass.

That reminds me: True Romance is about to start on TV now. Time for me to shut the lights, lounge on the couch, and watch some good ass-kicking.

Do you like ass-kicking heroism?

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What a Car Says About a Guy

“So you must be single?” asked the dealer with a grin.

I chuckled. “Yea. Is it that obvious?”

He patted the dashboard. “Yup. Married guys don’t usually buy convertibles.”

He was the third dealer to tell me that. So I wondered: What does a car say about a guy?

Convertible

Single guy who likes the outdoors, feeling the sun on his face and the wind in his hair. Probably really handsome and smart (heh).

Sports car

Single guy (or married guy going through a midlife crisis) who likes driving really fast and breaking the law. To him, speed limits are optional.

Luxury car

Guy with money who appreciates the finer things in life. Or a guy pretending to be a guy with money.

Luxury sports car

Married guy with money going through a midlife crisis. Likes the feeling of the sun on his face and the wind on his thinning or bald head.

Mini

Some say a car is an extension of a guy’s you-know-what. So what’s that say about a guy with a Mini? (Ha!)

Sedan

Married guy with kids. What more can I say about that?

Coupe

Single guy who’s practical and modest. Can’t afford a nicer car at the moment. Is probably thinking about driving this car to the ground before buying another one.

Modified Japanese Coupe

Young guy with a big ego and a small penis. Thinks he’s tough shit.

Pickup Truck

Working guy who has to haul cargo often. Or a guy who likes to drink beer, shoot little animals, and play a banjo by the river.

Minivan

Married guy who didn’t get the memo about SUVs being the new minivans of the twenty-first century.

SUV

Guy who likes the outdoors (like camping, snowboarding, etc), yet hates the outdoors (because of his gas guzzling SUV).

Hybrid

Guy who’s trying to help the environment and driving in the carpool lane. Might suffer from a case of Smug.

What does your car say about you?

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Things That Will Distract a Guy

It’s not that I meant to crash into my coworker’s car. It’s just that, well, there was something distracting me. So it really wasn’t my fault. Really, it wasn’t.

Allow me to explain.

I was out on a consulting assignment in Virginia. Our company gave each of us a rental car (why carpool when we ALL can pump exhaust into the atmosphere individually?).

One fine day, three other guys and I decided to try a new restaurant for lunch. We jumped into our cars and followed Jason, who knew the location of this new restaurant.

After a fine meal, we followed Jason back. I was directly behind him. My two other coworkers were behind me in their own cars. It was like a scene out of Swingers.

Then it happened. I saw her.

In my peripheral, I caught sight of a gorgeous specimen of feminine beauty. A really smokin’ hot chick, in Everyday Guy Language.

So I did what years and years of evolution has done to the male gender. I turned my head completely to gawk at her. Every time a guy sees a really smokin’ hot chick, it is impossible for him not to turn his head and look. If he doesn’t do this, his head will explode. Seriously.

Turning my head obviously left my car unattended for several precious seconds. And, well, you can guess what happened next.

Jason, being in front and being the first to completely pass her by, turned back to the road before the rest of us. He was the first to see the red light too.

He slammed on his brakes. And my car slammed into his. And my coworker behind me slammed into me. And the guy behind him slammed into him.

See? Years and years of evolution can’t be undone. The dents in our rental car bumpers are proof. Each and every male present was required, by his genetic code, to turn his head and gawk at the really smokin’ hot chick.

And so you see, it really wasn’t my fault.

What distracts you?

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The Secret of Guys

Here’s what all you ladies have been waiting for: the innermost workings of the male mind. All the deepest, darkest, dankest secrets that no guy ever wanted you to know.

Guys Are Stupid

You’ve probably figured this out already. The male mind is almost fascinating in its simplicity. I don’t mean an elegant, mathematical way like an isosceles triangle. I mean in a plastic Tinker Toys covered in infant spit kind of way.

There is a finite amount of space in the male mind. It’s less in some than in others, but it’s all relatively small. As such, only limited quantities of information can be stored at any given time.

For example, if a guy needs to remember to change the oil filter of his car every three to five thousand miles, then he’s not going to have room for other information, such as your anniversary or birthday.

This also means that the male mind is singular of purpose. Only one task can exist within his mind at a time. For some higher-thinking guys, sometimes two or three tasks can operate concurrently, though this is rare and seldom seen in the wild.

So say a guy is driving home from work. This can be a complicated task involving many sub-tasks like turning and braking and flipping the bird to assholes that cut you off. As long as this task occupies the male mind, he is not going to remember to stop by the supermarket and pick up the toilet paper like you asked him to weeks ago, that stupid bastard.

Guys Are Lazy

For a guy to try to force more information or tasks into that limited space is painful. Physically and mentally painful. It’s like trying to push a watermelon up your ass. While some kinky freaks might enjoy that, the overwhelmingly vast majority, I’m guessing, do not.

The direct consequence of this is the avoidance of information or tasks, though some call it laziness. An empty mind is a clean slate, a free bird flying unfettered. It feels good to be in this unburdened state. Thus, guys are always striving to be free of information and tasks.

So when you tell a guy about gossip like Jeff is sleeping with Linda who just dumped Arnold because he cheated on her with Gloria, you are physically and mentally hurting him. Keep talking to him and you’re likely to see him cringing in pain. Talk to him all night and he might fall over and die.

The same goes for tasks. If you ask him to take out the trash one more time, he might actually explode before your very eyes. You don’t want that to happen, right? Or maybe you do, because you’re just sick of his lazy ass sitting on the couch all night while the trash, which has been there since the Reagan Administration, continues to pile up and is beginning to smell, that lazy bastard.

Guys Are Hungry

Guys are hungry creatures. They constantly need to feed. This is a primal instinct that goes far back into the caveman days, where guys would spend all day hunting just so they could spend all night sitting around a fire sucking on Saber-toothed Tiger bones.

All-you-can-eat restaurants are thus the natural offspring of this primitive desire and the laziness trait. Where else can you just sit there and eat eat eat? It’s pure bliss.

You know the saying, “The easiest way to get to a man’s heart is through his stomach”? Well, duh. Satisfy this most basic need within the male mind and you’ve got a direct conduit to his heart.

Let me explain how this conduit works because it’s a fascinating miracle of science. You know Pavlov’s dog? The psychological experiment where a scientist taught a dog to salivate at the sound of a bell because he associated food with that bell?

The male mind and its connection to the stomach are similar. Over time, you can actually condition a guy to associate you with food. And since guys are always hungry, you’ll always have the guy thinking about you. And isn’t that what you ultimately want, to have your guy always thinking of you?

Guys Are Insecure

Even the strongest, biggest, fastest man has his weak moments. They generally occur when he meets an even stronger, bigger, faster man. Because there always is someone stronger, bigger, and faster out there. And that is the root of a guy’s insecurity.

This trait can also be traced back to the caveman days, when the guy with the largest Saber-toothed Tiger club was the most manly man. Every guy secretly strives for this Alpha Male status.

But there can be only one. So you end up with a room full of insecure Alpha Male wannabes and one true Alpha Male who is busy thinking, “Oh no, what if they discover that I love wearing women’s underwear? Then I’ll no longer be the Alpha Male!”

The desire to be Alpha Male cannot be overstated. Every guy out there longs to be the Alpha Male in every aspect of life. The most obvious drawback to this is in intelligence and the limited capacity of the male mind.

There is no place where this is more obvious than on a road trip with a male driver. Sometimes the guy will get lost. And, in an effort to continue positioning himself as the Alpha Male (the simple act of being the driver is already an Alpha Male position), he will confidently declare that he does not need to stop for directions. Of course not. That would be acceding to the fact that some random gas station attendant is the more of an Alpha Male at directions than he is. And that is simply unacceptable. He’d rather end up in Outer Mongolia before he concedes to that.

Guys Are Horny

I believe it was the illustrious and wise Robin Williams who once said, “God gave man a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time.” This is true.

Like the desire to achieve Alpha Male status, the desire to satiate the penis is very compelling. And that’s an understatement. The desire to satiate the penis is very easily the strongest desire of them all, stronger than the desire to be lazy, to eat, and to be Alpha Male. It’s like the Black Hole of all desires; it sucks everything else in and nothing can escape its awesome power.

The limited space within the male mind also means that if the guy is horny, there’s nothing else on his mind. And the gravity of horniness is so strong that shaking it loose is near impossible, short of filling that limited space with some kind of jarring, unrelated information. Like, for instance, baseball or Zsa Zsa Gabor.

A guy can be relentless in his pursuit of horniness satisfaction. Much like a male dog will hump a female dog, another male dog, a leg, a lamp post, or Dan Quayle, a guy will hump just about anything. Well, this is not entirely true. Dan Quayle really isn’t that hot.

It can be difficult to trust a guy when he’s horny. This subject fully occupies his mind and splashes into his other organs, filling his body with hormones that directly counteract any sort of intellectual communications within the synapses of his brain. The result is a walking, talking mass of hormones.

You see this in clubs and bars especially. The conversation is not going to be very stimulating; there just isn’t enough blood left to run a good conversation. Club and bar owners know this, and that’s why they dim the lights, play loud music, and serve copious amounts of alcohol. If they can minimize the need for conversation, then they’ve just increased the chances of every guy in the room to score. And God bless those club and bar owners too.

The effects can also be seen after sex. The blood has just washed away from the penis but hasn’t reached the brain yet. It’s in these few moments that a guy is most honest. The blood needed to run valuable mind filters has not yet been engaged, giving the girl a skeleton key into the male mind.

Women, please use this power carefully, for you may unlock thoughts best left unsaid (or thoughts so insanely stupid that you start to regret what you just did).

Now you know some of the secrets of guys. Like I said, use this power wisely, for good and not for evil. Think of a guy as a helpless, hapless little puppy who needs the proper training and guidance to grow up to be a good, strong Golden Retriever. Then remember that even with proper training and guidance, he’s still just a dog.

What other secrets of guys do you know?

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Nice Guys Don’t Finish Last

“You know the saying, ‘Nice guys finish last’? Well, that’s bullshit. I’ll tell you who finishes last: passive guys.”

Ken’s shoulders sagged. His eyes drifted to the suds in his beer. “I don’t get it. How’s that different?”

I straightened up in my chair and cleared my throat. “Okay, here’s what I mean: a guy can be either passive or assertive, but still be a nice guy. You can be a good-hearted, sensitive, honorable guy and still assert yourself.”

“How about this,” Ken started. “I see a girl in a club and I go up to her and start dancing with her. Except that it’s not just friendly dancing; I get all up on her, you know, like how players do it. Rubbing myself against her and stuff.”

I laughed. “Heh heh. You’re confusing assertiveness with aggressiveness, man. They’re not the same thing.”

“So what do you mean by assertiveness than?”

I took a deep breath and sighed. “In that same example, assertiveness would be talking to the girl first.”

Ken scratched his head. “But every time I do that, I get nowhere. Then I see these players move in and they always get the girl.”

I chuckled. “Oh man, you’ve been watching too many movies.”

“What? That’s what players do! They’re all assholes who only care about the conquest, while nice guys don’t get anywhere because they’d rather get to know a girl.”

I shook my head and finished my beer. “We need another round.” I made eye contact with the waitress and pointed at my empty mug. She nodded and walked to the bar.

“I hate players. I can’t play this stupid game. I just can’t.”

“You know what your problem is?” I stared Ken right in the eye. He blinked. “You’re so anti-player that you’ll do whatever you can to be the opposite. Except that you’re overcompensating and going too far in the other direction. You’re being too passive.”

The waitress came over with two fresh beers and removed the empty mugs. For a moment, we both took thirsty gulps in silence. Then I continued.

“You’re a nice guy, Ken. But you’re so anti-player that you’re unwilling to make the first move on a girl now. You see a girl that you like and what do you do? You sit and wait for her to talk to you, because you don’t want to seem like a player to her.”

“But what the hell is wrong with that?” Ken asked.

“Because you’re taking the definition of a player too far.” I leaned forward in my seat. “So tell me, what exactly is a player? How would you define a player?”

I took another gulp as Ken scratched his head. He stared at a couple of guys at another table who were talking to and laughing with the waitress. “A player is a guy who is only after the conquest. He’s only interested in screwing the girl and nothing else.”

“Good,” I nodded. “Then what’s so player-like about simply talking to a girl?”

“Well…” Ken stared at his beer. “Okay, fine, so I get your point.”

“Great!” I tossed back another gulp and smiled. “So if you like this girl, then you have to make the first move. Talk to her. Let her know you’re interested. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

Ken slumped down to the table. His eyes drifted to the floor. “Man, why is this so hard?”

“What’s so hard?”

“This. This whole game. I can’t play it.”

“Play what? Listen to yourself. I’m just talking about talking to this girl; not trying to lie to her to you can get into her panties.”

Ken snickered. “Yea, I know…”

“Think of it this way: being passive means not doing a damn thing; being assertive means simply talking to her to get to know her better; being aggressive means ramming your dick down her throat after you ask for her number. What you have to be is assertive man, assertive.”

Ken leaned back in his chair. “I know. You’re right.”

“Otherwise, what’s going to happen? You’ll never talk to her, she’ll never know you like her, and you’ll continue being single.”

“I know, I know.” Ken took a hearty gulp of beer and wiped his mouth. “But what I don’t get is, why do I have to make the first move? I mean, isn’t this the 21st century now? Can’t girls also make the first move too?”

I grinned. “You know what’s funny? That the whole Feminist movement has made some guys think that way. You’re overcompensating and going too far in the opposite direction again. Feminism means giving a girl equal rights; it doesn’t mean not talking to her.”

“So what about the equal right of a girl talking to a guy first, huh? Why can’t girls ask guys out now? Isn’t that a double standard? I thought equal rights was about removing double standards.”

I sat back in my chair and stared at my beer for a moment. Ken took another gulp. I scratched my chin. “Well, despite all that, I think a lot of people, not just girls, but guys too, are still traditional at heart. There’s still an underlying sense of tradition there, at least for the girls that we know. They still want a guy to do chivalrous things. Like holding the door for them or asking them out on a date.”

Ken shook his head. “So much for equal rights.”

“I hear your frustration man, I really do,” I nodded. “But life isn’t so black and white. I’m no expert on Feminism, but I think it was more about equal rights in the eyes of the law. I don’t think it applied so much to dating.”

“But isn’t that a contradiction?”

“They don’t see it as a contradiction. They see it as… respectful. And traditional. Those old traditional roles still apply, despite how, in the strict ideal sense, it may seem contradictory.”

We both tossed back a generous mouthful of beer and sat silently for a while. The waitress was still laughing with the table of guys.

“Dude, all I’m saying,” I continued, “is that it’s okay for you to make the first move and talk to this girl. In fact, she’d probably feel really flattered by it. She won’t think you’re a player for it. And she probably won’t talk to you or ask you out if you don’t act first.”

Ken smiled. “I know. You’re right man. You’re totally right.”

He held up his mug. I clinked my mug with his. “Cheers,” we said together.

“I’m going to do it this Monday then,” Ken added. He took another big gulp. “I’m going to do it.”

I laughed. “You go player!”

Ken shot me a shocked look.

“Ha ha! I’m kidding! Drink your beer.”

We both tossed back another round of beers.

Do you think that nice guys finish last?

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True Romance

Romance is different for a guy than it is for a girl. Romance for a girl is what we all mean when we say the word. It’s passion, it’s love, it’s little boxes of chocolate and flowers and poems about knights on white horses.

For a guy, it’s something else. It’s honor and valor and kicking the bad guy’s ass to save the girl. Let me give you an example.

You’re taking the bus to work and minding your own business. The morning starts out like any other morning. Suddenly, a cop riding alongside the bus tells you there’s a bomb on board. The bus has to stay above 55mph. From that point on, it’s a furious ride of speed and adrenalin. Your heart is pounding. Your palms are sweating. Then you notice, hey, this cop is cute. And when he valiantly rescues you from the bad guy, you kiss him and fall madly in love.

Okay, bad example. Let me try again.

You’re riding your horse through the forest, minding your own business. Suddenly, three bad guys appear and kidnap you. They drag you into a boat, across a river, and up a cliff. A mysterious masked man chases you all. The skinny bad guy confronts the masked man in a sword fight and is beaten. Next, the gigantic bad guy confronts the masked man in a fist fight and is beaten. Finally, the short bad guy confronts the masked man to a battle of wits; inconceivably, he is beaten too. Then you notice, hey, this masked man who just rescued you is the farm boy you fell in love with years ago, so you kiss him.

Maybe I should cut back on the examples. Basically, romance for a guy is doing something heroic for the girl he loves. A guy wants to be the hero in a girl’s life, the fierce, courageous knight who protects her from evil and bombs and kidnappers.

That’s why a guy would rather get lost and wind up in South Central, LA, rather than stop at a gas station for directions. He’d rather shield his girl from flying bullets than to admit that a pimply-faced prepubescent teenager can save the day.

Guy:

How do I get back onto the 101?

Teen:

Voice cracking. You take a left down this street, make a right at the stop sign, um… Scratches cheek. Pimple bursts open. Contents drip down chin. Then another right at the light. You’ll see the on-ramp right there.

Girl:

Eyeing teenager with lust. Wow, you totally know where you’re going! You’re so hot! Leaps out of car and shoves tongue down unsuspecting teen’s throat.

There’s no honor and valor in that. None whatsoever. Unless you’re the pimply-faced teen, in which case, SCORE!

Valentine’s Day is coming up. Every year, guys always do their best to romance their girls. But this year, how about us guys get a little romance too? Huh, girls? I’m talking about straight up heroism.

And what’s more heroic than a helpless nurse with a short skirt and a garter belt, tied up on the bed and held captive by the terrible Dr. Teddy No-Good Bear, who’s standing over you with his evil Can of Whipped Cream and wicked Handcuffs of Malevolence.

C’mon, you don’t expect a real bad guy, do you? Beating up bombers and kidnappers only happens in the movies.

What do you think is true romance?

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Potty Humor: A Comedy

Setting:

Our hero is at his girlfriend’s one-bedroom apartment. They just returned from a large dinner that isn’t sitting well with his digestive system. When his girlfriend starts sifting through some mail, he takes the opportunity to use the restroom for a number two.

Act I – Number Two

Scene:

We’re in the restroom. Our hero is flipping through an issue of People magazine as he perches upon the porcelain throne. He’s wearing a white t-shirt and black sweatpants.

Hero’s ass:

Pbpbpbpb!

Hero:

His eyes pop wide like a pair of golf balls. His mouth forms a perfect O, giving his face the appearance of a bowling ball. He’s shocked by the volume of gas passing through his buttocks and embarrassed that it was so loud.

Girlfriend:

Her head tilts to one side and her eyebrow arches. She tries not to grin at the sound, but a faint smile forms on her lips.

Hero’s ass:

Pbpbpbpb!

Hero:

He shifts his weight around on the toilet, hoping that some other angle will stifle the noise.

Hero’s ass:

Pbpbpbpb!

Hero:

His eyes dart around nervously. He’s terrified that his girlfriend can hear the emissions, but utterly unsure of how to stop them.

Girlfriend:

She smiles and reaches for the remote control. The sound from the restroom subsides for a moment and she puts the remote down.

Hero’s ass:

Pbpbpbpb!

Girlfriend:

She picks up the remote again and turns on the TV.

Hero:

His face is all red. The veins are popping out of his neck. He’s squeezing his eyes tightly shut, just as he’s squeezing the cheeks of his ass in the hopes that this will silence the sound. It works! Several minutes pass and no further emissions leave his anus. He slowly relaxes his muscles and forms a goofy grin.

Hero’s ass:

Pbpbpbpb!

Hero:

Dammit! He clenches his face again.

Hero’s ass:

Pbpb… pbpb… pb…

Hero:

The gases finally ebb. His eyes close halfway and his tongue hangs out of his mouth while he smiles like he just finished a marathon. And won.

Act II – Soup de Toilette

Scene:

We’re still in the restroom. Our hero is finishing up.

Hero:

He wipes his ass and flushes the toilet bowl. Then he gets up and washes his hands. He looks for a set of matches but can’t find any. So he walks into the living room, where his girlfriend is doing her work, and sneaks by her to grab a lighter.

Girlfriend:

Hi honey. Are you feeling okay?

Hero:

Um, yea. Yea. Great. He deftly hides the lighter behind his back while he smiles at her. He sprints back to the restroom.

Girlfriend:

She grins and turns back to the TV.

Hero:

He rips off a piece of toilet paper and lights it on fire. The flames burn through the methane and help clear the aroma. He lifts the toilet lid to drop the paper.Gasp!He leaps back in horror as he notices a backed-up toilet. Floating in the bowl is what appears to be chunky beef stew. He drops the flaming paper into the bowl and peers inside. A wad of toilet paper is wedged at the bottom. His nose wrinkles at the smell.He frantically searches the restroom for a plunger. All he can find is a toilet bowl brush. His mouth grimaces as he realizes a brush wouldn’t be enough. So he scratches his chin and ponders the situation for.

An idea strikes him. He leaves the restroom and sprints towards to the kitchen. He has to pass behind his girlfriend to get there.

Girlfriend:

She looks at him quizzically. Everything okay honey?

Hero:

Yea, yea, everything’s great. What are you watching?

Girlfriend:

Oh, I don’t know. I’m just flipping through channels.

Hero:

He slides by her and into the kitchen. He grabs a glass from the dish rack. Maybe you could watch one of the DVDs.

Girlfriend:

Yea, I could. I’m not really paying attention to the TV though. I still have all this mail to go through.

Hero:

That’s great! He answers with a little too much enthusiasm. Keep on watching then!

Girlfriend:

Uh, okay…

Hero:

He dashes back into the restroom and starts filling the glass with warm water. He pours the water down the toilet and continues doing so for about twenty glassfuls. The fetid soup begins to sink a little as the warm water loosens the clog. He continues with a few more glasses, just in case.Finally satisfied that the clog is loose enough, he flushes the toilet. Fresh water rushes into the soup. His jaw drops as he watches the soup rise. Chunks float to the surface. Nothing is going down the drain; instead, the new water is bringing the soup dangerously close to the top of the bowl.He leaps to the floor to find the water knob. The soup slowly approaches critical mass as his nervous fingers fumble. He shuts the water off just in time for the skin of the soup to touch the top of the bowl, narrowly avoiding a disastrous overflow.He slides down against the bathtub and lets loose a long sigh. Sweat percolates on his brow. He wipes it and looks at the bowl again. It’s brimming to the rim. He bites his lip and nervously reconsiders his options.

With another deep breath, he gets up and exits the restroom. He walks into the living room and grabs his coat.

Um, baby?

Girlfriend:

She looks up from her mail. Yea?

Hero:

I’m going to head to the store for a moment. I, um, kind of… well… the toilet is a bit stuffed at the moment. Just a bit. And I, um, just need… well… you don’t happen to have a plunger, do you?

Girlfriend:

No… why?

Hero:

Oh, nothing, nothing. Really. I’m just going to run to the store to get one real quick. Nothing to worry about. And oh, and baby?

Girlfriend:

Growing apprehensive. Yea?

Hero:

I want you to promise me something. Promise not to go into the restroom, okay? It’s just that, well, it’s a bit stinky in there. And I don’t want the embarrassment of you smelling my stinkiness.

Girlfriend:

Giggling. Oh honey, that’s okay.

Hero:

No, really. I’d be embarrassed. And also, because I haven’t quite totally, well, flushed yet, I just need a plunger for a moment. I’ll be right back. I’ll be back really quickly. Just please don’t go in there.

Girlfriend:

Okay, I won’t.

Hero:

Okay, cool, thanks. Really, I’ll be right back. He starts slipping out the door. Really quick, I’ll be really quick. Thanks baby, thanks!

Girlfriend:

She laughs.

Hero:

Bye! He slams the door and runs toward his car, cursing to himself all the way there.

Act III – Midget Plunger

Scene:

We’re in the hero’s car. It’s drizzling outside and beads of rain dot his windshield.

Hero:

He races his car down the slick streets. His slides through turns and runs yellow lights to get to the store. Once there, he pulls into the first parking spot he sees.He sprints into the store and stops to catch his breath. Then he turns left and starts walking down the aisles. His wet shoes squeak loudly on the floor. Other patrons cast ugly gazes at him. He makes a face at one of them and the lady turns her nose up.He hurries up and down twelve aisles, which pretty much encompass three-quarters of the store. Past birthday cards, microwaves, candles, and teddy-bear embroidered baby mittens he goes. None of them have plungers.Finally, he finds the bathroom aisle, which ironically is next to the entrance. Had he taken a right instead of a left, he would have found it. He notices this and rolls his eyes. Then he squeaks his way down the aisle.

A variety of toilet bowl brushes line the shelves. He spots a very short, half-length plunger and grimaces, realizing that with this plunger, he’d have to sink his hand into the chunky toilet bowl soup.

So he continues to search the aisle. Back and forth he squeaks. Unfortunately, there are no full-length plungers. Only brushes, shower curtains, and this midget plunger.

Store Loudspeakers:

Attention shoppers. We will be closing in five minutes. Please make your final purchases and bring them to the cashiers. Thank you.

Hero:

Panicking, he gropes at every brush in the aisle, willing them to be plungers. He even squeezes his eyes shut and hysterically shakes one brush. When he opens his eyes and sees that it’s still a brush, he throws it down.He returns to the short plunger and shakes a worried glance. Then he rushes back to the brushes and fumbles through each one. He tosses them all aside, hoping that there’s a hidden plunger among them.

Store Loudspeakers:

Attention shoppers. We are now closed. Please make your final purchases and bring them to the cashiers. We will be open again tomorrow at nine AM for your shopping convenience. Thank you.

Hero:

Eyes wide with absolute terror, he stares at the short plunger. He takes a large gulp and picks it up uneasily. Then he looks up at a pair of thick rubber gloves. He grabs them and runs to the cashier, stricken with the horror of what he’s about to plunge his hands into.

Act IV – Clearing The Soup

Scene:

Back at the girlfriend’s apartment.

Hero:

He knocks on the door nervously. Baby? I’m back.

Girlfriend:

She opens the door with a warm smile. Hi honey! She eyes him up and down and sees dirty water on his pants and mud on his shoes. What in the world happened to you? Are you okay?

Hero:

He sighs. Don’t ask. Did you go into the restroom?

Girlfriend:

Nope. I’ve been out here the whole time. Still going through my mail.

Hero:

Okay, cool, great, thanks! He dashes into the restroom and shuts the door. His face is contorted in fear. Carefully, he opens the lid of the toilet bowl. The soup has settled somewhat. The liquid is nearly at the bottom of the bowl. The sides are crawling with chunky remnants. His face now contorts with disgust. He turns the water knob to allow water back into the toilet. Gingerly, he wiggles the toilet bowl lever. Summoning up his courage, he pushes the lever and flushes the toilet. The water begins rising again, with little evidence of flushing. He sighs, puts on the gloves, and grabs the midget plunger.This is going to suck…

He turns off the water again. With a grimace, he dips the plunger in. Fortunately, the water is still shallow enough that he doesn’t have to dip his gloves into it. He begins working the clog, pumping the plunger at regular intervals.

The plunger, being rather cheap, flips inside-out. He tries to shake it back to place without any splashing, to no avail. His eyes widen with the realization that he’s going to have to use his gloves to fix it. The plunger is dripping with wholesome beef chunks.

He carefully pokes at it with a finger. Nothing happens. He pokes again. Then with two fingers. Then three. Sweat is leaking down his face. Finally, the plunger returns to its normal shape.

He pumps the toilet again. And again, the plunger goes inside-out. He sighs and repeats the process.

Then the moment of truth comes—the clog finally clears and the soup sinks away!

Woo hoo! Yessssss! Oh thank goodness it’s finally going doooooown!!

He flushes the toilet and sends the chunky remnants to toilet bowl hell. With a third flush, he sticks the plunger into the water to rinse it off as well.

Elated, he starts the cleaning process with a big happy grin. He uses boiling hot water from the tub and anti-bacterial cleanser to spray everything down. He cleans the restroom cleaner than it originally was. It’s so clean you could eat out of the toilet.

Once completed, he stacks the plunger and gloves on top of a plastic shopping bag, scrubs his hands, and walks out to see his girlfriend again.

Scene:

Fade to black. Roll credits.

Have you ever done anything embarrassing at your girl/boyfriend’s place?

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A Bachelor Party for Old People

“Let’s just haul his ass out of bed man,” Tom asserted. Tyrone and Eric nodded and followed him into the bedroom. I poured myself another scotch and looked at my watch. It was ten past midnight.

“Kit! Get up!”

Silence.

“Get the fuck up man! You can’t sleep! This is your fucking bachelor party!”

Mumbles.

“Get the fuck up!”

I walked over to the window and sipped my scotch. The bright lights of Vegas blinked below our hotel room. Hundreds of acts of debauchery called out to us. Now if we could only wake the groom up.

“I’m… so… tired…” Kit murmured. “You… guys… go… without… me…”

“You’ve got to be kidding,” berated Tyrone. “This is your last night out with the guys. Your last chance for some fun. Now c’mon man, you’re going to have fun, whether you want to or not.”

Eric came out and shook his head. I grinned.

“I don’t blame him,” Eric said. “I’m kind of tired too.”

“It’s only 12 o’clock man,” I told him. “It’s Vegas. You can’t sleep. That’s not allowed here.”

Eric smirked. “Yea, I know.” He looked back at Kit. “We’re just getting old.”

I sighed and finished my scotch.

“Think of this as one last chance to be young,” I suggested. “As one last chance to do stupid and irresponsible things.”

Eric nodded slowly and headed towards the door. Tyrone and Tom came out with Kit in tow. Kit’s bloodshot eyes were half open. His eyelid muscles were visibly fighting to stay open.

I put my glass down and we all left the hotel room. We visited a few places along The Strip and loaded up the Old People with plenty of coffee and Red Bull. The bride and her party were here as well, having their own fun. I wondered if they had just as hard a time keeping the bride awake.

We returned to the hotel room around three in the morning. I was still wired and wandered downstairs to play a few hands of Blackjack while the rest of the Old People slept and snored loudly.

Next morning we joined the girls for breakfast.

“Well, hello sleepy heads,” the girls chanted. We filed into the booth and gulped down our water.

“You all look peppy this morning,” observed Tom. “Get a lot of sleep, did you?”

“Not really!” chirped Norika. “We’re all running on only a few hours of sleep!”

“But we’re feeling great!” added Cynthia.

We blinked in silence. “What time did you sleep?” asked Eric.

“Oh, I don’t know, around four thirty or so,” answered Norika.

The guys looked at each other, then at Kit. Then the Old People hanged their heads in shame.

What did you do at your last bachelor party (that you can speak of)?

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