The Geek-Turned-Player Theory

Being a self-admitted geek, I’ve known many other geeks in my life. I’ve seen some grow up and become successes. And I’ve seen some grow up and become, for lack of a better word, players. Dangerous players.

Not players in the sense of metrosexual predators or greased-up Jersey Shore rejects. These guys are more clandestine. Girls don’t suspect they’re in the clutches of such a geek-turned-player until, well, sometimes never.

First, some background.

A geek-turned-player (GTP) grows up as an unpopular teen. He is the typical nerd, dork, dweeb, pick your favorite insult. In a phase where fitting in is so crucial, they stick out like a limb with gangrene. Though many make it through as strong, self-confident adults, this can foment into a deep psychosis for a few.

This bitterness can evolve in many ways. Some embody the taunts and turn them into strengths, such the skinny nerd who grows up to be a muscle-bound guy. Others harbor the acrimony until the acids melt away their relationships. Some do both.

A GTP is the latter; he does both. He also turns rejections from girls into a dictum of life: he wants to be a guy who can “get” all the girls who’ve rejected him. As you can imagine, a layer of misogyny pervades their actions. They want to get those girls, or girls in general, and hurt them.

Ironically, they overtly state a hatred of players, the guys who can go to any bar or club and get a phone number as easily as a mosquito can feed in a nudist colony. GTPs see themselves as the antithesis of the traditional player.

“I would never have a one-night stand,” they declare. “I will always honor and respect women.” Therein lies the danger of a GTP. Not only are they shattering hearts like a player, but they are unaware of it.

How do they get from geeks to heart-shattering GTPs?

After college, they tend to do well in their careers. They become white-collar workers and executives in well-paying jobs. They date a few girlfriends along the way who imbue them with some fashion sense. They may even start exercising and getting fit. To look at them now, you would never know they were scrawny four-eyed nerds in high school. Now, they look like intelligent, respectful, well-paid knights in shining armor.

At this age, these traits start to attract women in numbers not before experienced by these geeks. Where girls once ignored them, women are now being drawn to them like ants to molasses. And here they sit, happy as anteaters.

Much of this happens to average geeks, regardless of their proclivities. All sorts of sociological and biological factors play into this phenomenon. Single women in their twenties or thirties tend to seek men who are stable, financially, emotionally, etc., even if they didn’t seek those factors when they were younger.

That’s how I’ve lucked out, at least. Go sociological & biological factors!

The GTP differs from the average geek in his behaviors after meeting a girl. The GTP, flush with the exhilaration of meeting a girl, starts to behave like a traditional player. Despite his proclaimed position on one-night stands, his qualms melt away in the heat of passion.

Then he does it again. And again. And again. He starts to realize his sexual prowess and magnetism and begins to flaunt it openly, oftentimes to the chagrin of his peers. He believes himself to be God’s Gift to Women: he has all the qualities of a traditional player, along with money, status, and success. What girl wouldn’t want him?

However, he still puts on a veneer of respect. His misogynic beliefs are well-hidden. Women see him as a nice guy, even months or years after he has broken their hearts.

For the unfortunate, this heartbreak is infinitely worse than being with a player, because of the emotional connection made. Indeed, the GTP’s armament includes psychological weapons such as long, deep conversations, the kind that make women think about marriage and children.

Breaking up with a deadbeat player is one thing, breaking up with a potential husband and father of your children is another.

Deep inside, the GTP doesn’t see himself as a player, however. He still harbors a resentment of players and sees his actions as innocent. This belief reinforces the effectiveness of his weapons. Those long, deep conversations, as they are happening, are earnest and from the heart.

So what changes the morning after? Something subconscious. A switch flips. The emotional connection from last night fades as the excitement of new prey emerges. As soon as another woman starts up a conversation, the previous one is forgotten.

For the goal isn’t to meet a woman and start a wonderful relationship. The goal is to meet women. And to see if he can “get” them. The exhilaration of each new encounter has become a drug.

This is something the GTP never experienced as a teen. He never got the intoxication of fleeting puppy love out of his system like others his age. While most of us are moving on in stable relationships, he is stuck. He is a late bloomer who is addicted to the high of new women.

I haven’t seen much written about this phenomenon before. I suspect it is, thankfully, rare. However, I’ve seen it enough times to discern to articulate this theory.

The popularization of geek culture may be partly responsible for the rise of the geek-turned-player. Or maybe it has always been around and I’ve only begun to notice it.

Whatever the case, the GTP is a dangerous animal on the dating scene. I’ve seen female friends unknowingly wrecked from them. I’ve seen colleagues & acquaintances evolve into GTPs themselves. The result is always disastrous, especially for the women they’ve left in their wake.

Beware the geek-turned-player.

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Love Virgin

Are you a love virgin?

Allow me to explain. If you go by the traditional definition of the word “virgin,” it means a person who has not had sexual intercourse. If you’ve ever bumped uglies in the night, hid the hot dog, or taken the bullet train through Yonker’s tunnel, then no, you are not a virgin.

What about a love virgin?

The term “virgin” can also be used in non-sexual contexts to mean a lack of something. A Pina Colada Virgin, for instance, is a Pina Colada cocktail without alcohol. A love virgin, therefore, is someone who has never fallen in love.

Some people go through life never experiencing love. Some do and don’t know it. Still others do and won’t admit it. While all three are potential dating hazards, the first kind — the true love virgin — presents an especially difficult case.

Most people have experienced it at least once. While there isn’t a limit to the number of times one could fall in love, it would be logistically difficult to have felt it more than, say, twenty times. Unless, maybe, you’re a thousand-year-old vampire or something.

For most people, love isn’t an emotion or a state of being that happens easily. It’s not like buying ice cream at the supermarket. It’s more like buying a condo or house, relatively speaking.

I’ll bet some of you are shaking your heads right now. “I fall in love almost once a month,” you’re thinking to yourself. “It’s not as rare as this doofus makes it sound.”

Sorry to do this, but see your bubble there? Now look at this pin in my hand. Burst!

If you fall in love that often, chances are you haven’t been feeling love. What you may have been feeling is infatuation. A very deep, passionate infatuation, perhaps, but infatuation nonetheless.

It is easy to confuse infatuation with love. Love isn’t a feeling that fades in a matter of weeks. It takes years, decades, even lifetimes. Or perhaps it never truly fades; it just evolves into a more elemental emotion.

Infatuation, on the other hand, is defined as an “all-absorbing passion” (see why it’s so easy to confuse it with love?) that doesn’t last. It doesn’t grow or evolve. It just remains at that level, then dips like the sunset.

If you are still in your teens or early twenties, it isn’t uncommon to be a love virgin. Some may even argue that you don’t really know what love is until you’re older, though I think that’s bullshit. But if you are still a love virgin at this age, don’t fret. You are not alone.

If you are in your thirties or forties, however, then you should be concerned. That’s a long time to go through life without ever falling in love. It isn’t impossible, but, well, something may be wrong.

Are you afraid of being hurt so much that you avoid relationships? Are you consciously or unconsciously isolating yourself from strangers? Are you ending relationships before they have a chance to mature?

There is something beneath the surface that isn’t quite socially healthy. Or at least, socially acceptable by the norm.

On the flip side, if you are dating a love virgin, then be careful. Just as a sexual virgin isn’t quite sure what to do with all the rods and cones, a love virgin isn’t quite sure what to do with all the messy emotions that come with being in love. This isn’t a slight against love virgins, it’s just a fact. Lack of experience begets lack of understanding.

For example, jealousy can play a big part in love. Most people new to love will find this curious, yet nagging emotion sitting on their shoulder from time to time. The little green devil may occasionally nip at them, throw an all-out tantrum, or crawl away and lurk just behind the ears.

With experience, many learn to cope with this emotion. They realize its roots in insecurity and put it away appropriately. However, a love virgin doesn’t yet have this experience. Thusly, the little green devil is out to play.

There is more. Mutual love is a delicate sheet of rice paper. Push too hard and it will crumble. Pull too hard and it will tear. With experience and a few failed relationships under your belt (no pun intended), you will hopefully have learned how hard to push and how hard to pull.

A love virgin at age forty, unfortunately, hasn’t had the benefit of such experience. Such an individual may unknowingly come on too strong and suffocate the object of their desire. So dater beware.

To be fair, there are many patient people in the world who can deal with a middle-aged love virgin, just as there are many understanding people in the world who can deal with a middle-aged virgin. (“You know what? I respect women! I love women! I respect them so much that I completely stay away from them!”) So it isn’t the end of the world if you are a love virgin.

But to those dating a love virgin, if you don’t have the patience or tolerance to deal with a new crop of emotions and lack of experience, be careful. Their only experience with love is what they’ve seen in movies. And as we all know, life isn’t like the movies.

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Mr. Cornne in Brazil

Background:

A series of vignettes of Mr. Cornne, a young American high school teacher working in a small town in Brazil. Based on a true story. All dialogue is in Portuguese.

Scene One: The Street

Setting:

A street in a small town somewhere in Brazil. Several female high school students walk past the camera. The camera pans to reveal Mr. Cornne walking towards them. He smiles and recognizes them as students from his class.

Students:

Mr. Cornne! Mr. Cornne!

Mr. Cornne:

Good afternoon, my friends.

Students:

We love you Mr. Cornne!

Mr. Cornne:

Blushes and smiles in response.

Students:

Each one leans over on the tips of her toes and kisses him on the cheek.

Mr. Cornne:

Thank you, thank you.

Silvia (one of the students):

Mr. Cornne, you are so handsome today.

Mr. Cornne:

Still blushing. Um, thank you.

Students:

Walking away from Mr. Cornne. Bye Mr. Cornne! We love you! See you in class!

Mr. Cornne:

Looks at camera and smiles. This is why I love teaching in this country so much. The people are so friendly and familial. All students treat their teachers like this, not just me. With such passion. It is their custom. But still, I love it. Though… it seems one may have formed a crush on me. Blushes.

Scene Two: The Classroom

Setting:

Mr. Cornne’s classroom. It is the start of class. Students are arriving and taking their seats.

Mr. Cornne:

Everyone, please take your seats. Waits a moment until all are seated quietly. Thank you. Now take out your English textbooks and turn to page 125. Please read that story. When you are done, we will discuss it.

Students:

They flip open their textbooks and begin reading.

Silvia:

Gets up from desk and pulls chair over to Mr. Cornne’s desk. Positions herself right next to him. Her textbook is in her hands. He looks over curiously as she leans against him and starts reading quietly.

Mr. Cornne:

Looks at camera and shrugs. Silently mouths the words, “She does this all the time. Sometimes other students do it too.”

Scene Three: Chocolate

Setting:

Mr. Cornne’s classroom. The class is over and students are walking out. Silvia lingers after everyone has left and approaches Mr. Cornne. Don’t worry, this isn’t a porn, this is a PG story.

Silvia:

I love you, Mr. Cornne.

Mr. Cornne:

Oh, um, thank you.

Silvia:

Why don’t you love me?

Mr. Cornne:

Uh, well, it’s complicated, you see. First, there’s the age difference. I am much older than you and you are still very young. Then, I’m also your teacher, so…

Silvia:

So what do you love?

Mr. Cornne:

Um. Chocolate. I love chocolate.

Silvia:

I am chocolate. Love me.

Mr. Cornne:

Blushes. Um, that is very sweet of you. Class is over now. You need to get to your next class before you’re late.

Silvia:

Pouts. Bye, Mr. Cornne. I love you! Runs out of the classroom.

Mr. Cornne:

Looks at camera. What did I say about the people here being very, uh, passionate? You should hear some of the things they say to me off camera. My gosh! Blushes and shakes head.

Scene Four: Back in America

Setting:

Back in America. Mr. Cornne is walking down a street in his hometown. He passes by some of his former students. All dialogue here is in English.

Mr. Cornne:

Smiling. Good afternoon!

Former Students:

Cast him a scowl and scurry past him without saying a word. As they walk away, they turn their heads and giggle. Ohmigod, do you know who that is? Mr. Cornne! Didn’t he leave the county and like, get deported or something? What’s he doing back here?

Mr. Cornne:

Looking at camera. Shakes his head with a sigh. I miss Brazil.

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Why Asian Girls Like White Guys

Now here’s a controversial topic. It incites flames, trolls, and every other little ugly side of human psychology you can squint at. It is the topic of interracial dating between Asian girls and white guys. Now let’s begin.

I don’t have any hard numbers to quantifiably verify if Asian girl/white guy relationships are more common than white girl/Asian guy relationships, though many people are happy to offer anecdotal evidence in support of the former.

The bigger question is why. The world is rife with theories. Here are some of the more common ones.

Asian Female Social Elevation Theory

This theory posits that Asian girls date white guys because they feel it will elevate their social status in some way. They perceive Asians to be lower on the social ladder than whites, whether through social conditioning, media conditioning, insecurity, or something else. Therefore, a relationship, and/or marriage and kids with a white guy will improve their social standing. Some may feel this way explicitly; others may unconsciously believe it but aren’t able to articulate it.

Passive Asian Male, Aggressive White Male Theory

This theory states that Asian guys are generally less aggressive when it comes to asking a girl out because of cultural influences that teach them discretion over outright showiness. They’d rather be friends with the girl first, then wait a long while before asking her out. Conversely, white guys are generally more aggressive and display more overt romantic gestures. In the realm of dating, an overt romantic gesture usually wins over a passive, discrete one (especially in Western societies). Therefore, Asian girls who may not really have a preference for white guys over Asian guys, end up with white guys because they’ve been openly & aggressively courted by one.

Exotic Asian Female Theory

This theory can also be called the Asian Fetish or Yellow Fever Theory because white guys see Asian girls as exotic, different, and submissive. These white guys want a trophy girlfriend and/or wife. It is less important for the Asian girl to share similar cultural values or language, than it is to be passive and doting. The Asian Female Social Elevation Theory also plays a part, in that the Asian girls who willingly go out with white guys with an Asian fetish look past these preferences in favor of social elevation benefits.

Independent Asian Female Theory

This theory hypothesizes that because more and more Asian girls are earning advanced degrees, strong careers, and financial independence, Asian guys are finding them less desirable. Asian guys with traditional patriarchal cultural values seek wives who will stay at home and take care of the children. Since these educated, independent Asian girls don’t fit that model, they turn to white guys who accept that independence.

Desired Asian Female Theory

This theory puts forth the assertion that Asian guys aren’t necessarily more passive or white guys necessarily more aggressive. Instead, Asian girls are desired by all ethnicities equally. Asian guys like them because, well, they’re Asian too. White guys like them because they’re exotic, different, submissive, or some other kind of perceived notion. Therefore, the laws of probability assert that there should be a fair mix of Asian girl/white guy and Asian girl/Asian guy couples out there. Since Asian girl/Asian guy couples are the expected norm, an Asian girl/white guy couple stands out as an exception and causes people to assume the exception is the norm.

Undesired Asian Male Theory

This theory is the flip side to the Desired Asian Female theory, in that it asserts that Asian guys are perceived similarly to Asian girls: exotic, different, and submissive. Sometimes the added perceptions of being feminine, wimpy, and geeky are also prescribed. These traits are viewed negatively in Western societies, causing both white and Asian girls to have a preference away from Asian guys.

Undesirable White Female Theory

This theory turns the Undesired Asian Male Theory around and posits that white girls do actually want Asian guys, but many Asian guys don’t want white girls because of perceptions of cultural incompatibility and marriage instability (the belief that whites are more apt to divorce than Asians are). So while there should be a fair number of interracial couples on both sides, it’s the preference of Asian guys for Asian girls that limits white girl/Asian guy couples.

Sexist Asian Male Theory

This theory claims that Asian guys are sexist, chauvinistic, and even misogynistic, because of traditional patriarchal cultural values. Asian guys range from not knowing how to treat an Asian girl with respect to wanting them to be housewives and nothing else, similar to the Independent Asian Female Theory. Except this theory pushes the assumption further to say that Asian guys may even verbally or physically abuse their wives. Therefore, Asian girls choose white girls who have been socialized in a Western society where feminist thought and equality is more prevalent.

Asian Male Wife-Like-Mom Theory

This theory says that Asian guys want a girlfriend and ultimately, a wife, who resembles their mothers (in personality, not looks, necessarily) because of cultural influences. White guys, on the other hand, don’t have as much of a preference. Therefore, while there could be more white girl/Asian guy couples out there, Asian guys are going for Asian girls instead. And without such a preference, white guys are going for both white girls and Asian girls.

Special Asian Female Theory

This theory takes pieces of the Exotic Asian Female Theory and Undesired Asian Male Theory, amongst others, with the idea that Asian girls go for white guys because white guys make them feel special. With an Asian guy, the Asian girl is just like any other girl; they are not special in any way. But with a white guy, the Asian girl is made to feel unique and special. The underlying motivates behind the white guy’s behavior, according to this theory, are more than just him being an especially compassionate person. In this theory, the white guy is treating the Asian girl this way because he considers her exotic and different, but not submissive. Therefore, he is the one doting on her and not the other way around.

Dominant White Male Society Theory

This theory offers the concept of Western societies being white-male-dominated as the determinant of Asian girl/white guy couples. Combining several theories here, this theory states that white guys who have a preference for Asian girls can form a relationship with them through overt romantic gestures, unconscious social elevation benefits, and an air of self-confidence (which is considered an extremely attractive trait in Western societies). This air of self-confidence comes from being the dominant race/gender pair, thereby giving them an advantage in dating a girl of any other ethnic group.

Inevitable Cross-Pollination Theory

This theory suggests that as the various ethnicities and nations of the world intermingle, there will be an inevitable cross-pollination of interracial relationships. Therefore, there is an equal number of Asian girl/white guy and white girl/Asian guy couples out there. People just notice the Asian girl/white guy pairings more often because of the controversial assumption that the white guy is just dating her to appease his “yellow fever.”

Natural Love Theory

This theory put forwards the notion that it’s not about ethnicity, it’s about natural compatibility. It is just two people who love each other, regardless of ethnicity, culture, background, education, or anything else. Simple as that.

What’s your theory on Asian girl/white guy relationships?

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I Don’t Get Chicks

“I just don’t get chicks.”

With a coffee in hand, I leaned back and regarded my friend. “C’mon man, who really ever gets chicks?”

“Did I tell you about that date I had last weekend? It was with this girl I really liked, but throughout the date, she didn’t seem that interested in me?”

I nodded.

“Well, I asked her out again just for the heck of it.”

“And?”

He shifted in his seat. “And she said, ‘Sure! I had a great time and would love to.’”

There was a pause. Then: “Oh wow, really?”

He nodded. “I really don’t get chicks. At all.”

“So, then, uh, what made you think she wasn’t interested originally?”

He sat back in his seat and sighed. “Let me count the ways. First, she said she already ate dinner and wasn’t hungry. Then, when I asked if she wanted dessert, she said ‘No.’ Then I had to go to the bathroom, and she was on her Blackberry before I even got to my feet. Then she looked at her watch and said, ‘Wow, it is late. I think I should be going now.’ And it was 9pm.”

I scratched my chin and hmm’ed.

“Then I walked her to her car and asked her what she had planned for the rest of the night. She said, ‘Oh nothing. Just going to chill and watch TV.’ Finally, she gave me a junior high school dance hug and that was it.”

“What?!” I jumped in my seat. “Ouch man.”

“Right?”

“That totally sounds like she’s not interested.”

“I know!”

We both sat there in silence, staring at our stale coffees. A fly buzzed by. Somewhere, outside, a car honked.

“So do you think she was lying about having a good time? Maybe this is just a pity second date?”

He shrugged. “Do girls even do pity dates?”

“Sure, why not. Or maybe she’s just clueless about dating? And doesn’t know how to show interest or anything?”

Another shrug. “I really don’t know. In fact, I almost didn’t email her again for this second date.”

“Hmm. So why did you?”

“She gave off such mixed signals. During the date, we had great conversation and lots of common interests. Sometimes our conversation flowed nicely. We have a lot of similarities. But towards the end, she just seemed like she was in a rush. Like she had other things on her mind.”

“Ah. Maybe she did have other things on her mind then. Maybe she had to rush home to call up some other guy she’s dating too?”

Another shrug. “Who knows?”

I swirled my coffee around. “Or maybe… she has a yest infection or something. And was really itching and had to go home to get some powder.”

“Or maybe it’s PMS.” We laughed. “There are so many possibilities.”

“True. You’ll never know for sure until you do this second date with her. You’ve already seen how some girls act totally differently on a second date. Maybe she will too.”

“Yea.”

We slowly sipped our stale coffees. The sounds of traffic rattled the windows. Somebody coughed.

“But there is a great moral to this story.”

My ears perked up. “Oh? Do tell.”

“Don’t try to guess what is going on in the mind of someone you’ve only known an hour. The human mind wants to fill in the details. To make the unknown, known. But in reality, there are just too many possibilities… To many unknowns… And too many assumptions.”

“Wise words, man. Wise words. Is that your key to understanding chicks?”

“No. That’s my way of trying to understand anyone. But chicks in particular… I just don’t get chicks.”

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What a Car Says About a Woman

A woman that drives a Mustang convertible is very different from a woman that drives a Civic hybrid. You know it’s true. You’ve no doubt met both kinds of women before. And I’m sure you’ll agree: there’s a world of difference.

So what does a car say about a woman? How are they different? Let’s find out.

A Beater

This woman is probably a social worker or in the non-profit sector. She doesn’t wear a lot of make-up and may not shave her armpits. Probably likes to smoke the wacky weed too, so she can forget how miserable her life is.

A Compact Car (like a Civic or Corolla)

This woman is the girl-next-door. She’s sweet, practical, caring, and probably likes to make scrapbooks. There may be some stuffed animals on her bed or in her bedroom somewhere. Friends and boyfriends like her because she’s so dependable; players and con-men like her because she’s so innocent and naïve.

A Mid-sized or Full-Sized Car (like an Accord or Camry)

This woman may have a family (or at least kids) or a hand-me-down from her Daddy. She’s probably husband hunting or babysits often for her married friends, which in turn makes her want a husband even more.

A Luxury Car (like a BMW or Lexus)

This woman likes power and may have it too. She’s an anal type-A personality who is ambitious, aggressive, and likes her men at her command, both at work and in the bedroom. May also be high-maintenance, moreso emotionally, since she can handle herself materially.

A 4WD/AWD Car (like a Subaru of some kind)

This woman is probably a lesbian. She either loves the outdoors or other women. Sleeping under the stars or with another girl is something she likes to do. Neither dirt under her fingernails nor a jungle under her panties bother her.

A Minivan

This woman is a soccer Mom. Unless you like MILFs, stay away; she’s taken. She’s very involved in the lives of her children, for better (knowing all of their birthdays and favorite foods) or worse (signs them up for all kinds of classes, even if they don’t want them).

An SUV

This woman may also be a soccer MILF, I mean Mom, except she’s a little more hip to current trends. May also be an outdoorsy girl who likes to go hiking, camping, snowboarding (or skiing), and has probably had sex outdoors before (or really wants to).

A Hybrid

This woman is environmentally friendly and wants the world to know. She’s smug about her views and openly chides other people for not recycling. Be careful, she may not shave her legs also.

A Pick-Up Truck

This woman is one tough cookie. She may be a redneck with biceps as thick as her thighs, or married to one. Don’t cross her, because she may have a shotgun as well. May be aggressive and somewhat sadistic in the bedroom. May also have a farmer’s daughter skirt for kinky role-playing too.

A Sports Car

This woman likes speed and power. Her dominance and control issues make her privately insecure and publicly a tyrant. Her ex-boyfriends probably call her a man-eater, but if you can handle her, she’ll drive you wild.

A Station Wagon

This woman has a family and kids. She uses the station wagon for grocery shopping and faithfully clips her coupons everyday. May work harder than her husband since she’s probably a homemaker, though she never lets on that she does.

A Convertible

This woman likes the sun on her face and the wind in her hair. She probably likes hot kinky sex as well. May be laid back and like lying back in the car to look at the stars. May also be high-maintenance, both materially and emotionally (which totally contradicts the laid-back part, I know; This woman is complex).

A Motorcycle

This woman likes the feeling of power between her legs. She’s an outdoorsy girl with a deathwish and has probably had broken bones before. May not listen to reason and typically wins arguments by force of will alone. Don’t mess with her; she may have lots of large biker friends.

No Car

This woman probably lives in a large city and knows the public transportation system inside-out. She’s tough, street-wise, and always on the look-out for potential thieves, rapists, and con-men. May have an active sex life with whom she discusses with three quirky friends of varying personality types that always reply with witty banter.

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Are Men Intimidated By Independent & Successful Women?

Are you a well-educated, intelligent, independent, and successful woman… who is still single? You’re not alone (no pun intended).

More and more women are getting advanced degrees and pursuing their careers. And staying single. Sometimes voluntarily, sometimes involuntarily.

Wait, involuntarily? Why is that? What’s preventing them from being in a relationship?

Before we answer that, it’s important to realize that many women are staying single because they want to. They’re focused on their careers, are very ambitious, and are pursuing their dreams. Their hectic schedules don’t offer much time for the hassles and turmoil of dating.

Many do ultimately want a relationship, but are independent enough—financially & emotionally—to postpone it until the right man comes along. They hold high standards for their men, just as they hold high standards for themselves. Although these standards weed out most of the men they meet, they don’t mind; they’re willing & able to wait.

But what if you don’t want to wait anymore? Maybe you’re ready to settle down now. Maybe you’re lonely and want companionship. Maybe your biological clock is not just ticking anymore, it’s pounding. What to do, what to do…

The easy answer is: go out and find a man. Yea, sure, and while you’re at it, pick up an extra million dollars on the way home too.

Why do well-educated, intelligent, independent, and successful women find it so hard to find a man? Is it because men are intimidated by them?

To answer that, let’s look at three real-life anecdotes from women I know.

Women with MBAs

Within a local, prestigious MBA program, two girls noticed that most of their male classmates going for girls without advanced degrees. Instead of dating within their sizable pool of beautiful, sexy, and intelligent MBA classmates, the guys were dating, and even marrying, girls outside of their program. “Guys with MBAs just don’t want girls with MBAs,” one lamented. They seemed to prefer less educated women.

Women in Triathlons

After meeting a great guy, one girl was shocked to find him suddenly pulling away after a few successful dates. This was shortly after talking about her rigorous triathlon training program. He cited her busy schedule (which included work and triathlon training) as the reason to slow things down. She sensed it was more about her triathlon than her work, though he denied it. However, he would occasionally make comments about how much stronger she was than him.

Women as Doctors vs Teachers

A group of female doctors often went clubbing together. Each time, they’d try an experiment. On some nights, they’d tell guys that they were doctors. On other nights, they’d tell guys that they were teachers, librarians, and interior decorators. Guess which profession the guys gravitated towards? “It’s funny; every time we told them the truth, they’d disappear. But if we told them we were teachers or something, they’d flock around us and try to get our numbers.”

Sure sounds like men are intimidated to independent and successful women to me. We can even add physically fit to that list. What’s an independent and successful woman to do?

A Solution and a Silver Lining

Kris Frieswick of MSN Money has a solution. In her article “Too successful for a mate?” she notes that many successful women hold unrealistic expectations for a relationship. They look for a partner who is just as successful as they are, if not moreso. She suggests adjusting those expectations and seeking only those that are relevant to a happy relationship.

“I abandoned the expectation of many ‘must-have’ items in my years of dating before I met my husband.” Frieswick writes. “It’s not that I couldn’t find a man who possessed the right qualities, but it turned out they were irrelevant to a happy relationship. Was it crucial that my husband have a master’s degree? No. Would it be a deal- breaker if he didn’t love mountain biking as much as I do? No.”

Even Kathleen Gerson, a Professor of Sociology at New York University, agrees. “Women have increasingly high standards for who that partner might be, and because they have the ability to support themselves, they can afford to wait. They can apply those high standards.”

Aside from adjusting expectations, there are really many men who are not intimidated by independent and successful women. (Yup, right here on Earth!) A good buddy of mine actually seeks out highly intelligent women. The girls he dates typically have advanced degrees, are highly ambitious, and are successful in their careers.

Another good buddy won’t settle for anything less. “If I can’t have an intelligent conversation with her about things like economics or world culture,” he says, “then I can’t go out with her.”

As for me, I’m attracted to well-educated, intelligent, independent, and successful women too. I’ve dated girls who are eleven donuts short a box of dozen and those relationships never lasted too long. I can’t date a woman I don’t respect, and I have a lot of respect for intelligence, autonomy, and ambition. Plus, big brains are sexy. Mmm mmm mmm.

I realize that my friends and I are not the norm, however. But men with this mindset do exist. The majority of them are successful too. The challenge isn’t one of simply adjusting standards, in my opinion (though it’s helpful for everyone to at least have realistic standards). It’s also of trying to find one who’s compatible with you.

It’s not an impossible challenge either. As Gerson happily notes:

“The more highly educated a woman is, the more likely she is to ultimately marry. But it’s also true that she’s more likely to postpone marriage until she gains a foothold in the workplace and feels more secure about her working life until she’s a chance to figure out who she is, so she knows what kind of partner she wants.

“And ultimately, women who do postpone, especially if they’re highly educated, are more likely to find a partner who is right for them. [It is] more likely for that marriage to work, to last, and to create that balance between personal autonomy and commitment that they desire.”

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Men Are the New Women

“There’s that phrase again.”

“What phrase?” I sat forward to listen to the TV.

“Men are the new women. I heard it on another show a few weeks ago.”

I shifted on the couch. “Men are the new women, huh? You think it’s true?”

“Oh yea, definitely.”

I picked up a water bottle and took a swig. The TV continued on. “How so?” I asked.

“Well,” she looked at the ceiling thoughtfully. “I know a lot of guys who are like chicks. They’re all super-sensitive and emotional. Not that I want to say that’s how all girls are. But they’re not… they’re just not Men, you know?”

I shook my head. “Deja vu. I just had this same discussion a week ago.”

“It’s true. Sometimes I just want a guy to be… I don’t know. I want him to be solid and confident and assertive. I want him to be rational and logical.”

“You want him to be a Man.”

“Right.” She nodded, then studied the floor. “I’m the girl, so I should be the one who gets to be emotional and irrational. I’m already emotional and irrational. So if I go out with a guy who’s the same way, we’d both go crazy.”

“You know, someone should write a thesis on this. There are so many topics to touch upon. Feminism, post-modernism, capitalism, metrosexualism, paternalism, maternalism, the list is endless.”

She made a hearty laugh and rolled onto her back. “So true!”

“I know a lot of guys who are the sensitive-types. Many of them think this is what women want.”

“What? Really? Well,” she paused and stared at the wall. “A lot of women want gender equality…”

“And thus, these guys are tending toward the middle. They’re moving away from stereotypical male roles and adopting stereotypical female roles…”

“I don’t know about that. The guys I’m seeing seem to be total chicks. They’ve moved too far and are total chicks now, you know?”

I regarded this with a chin rub. “Hmm.”

She sighed. “You’re probably right. And it’s a shame. Personally, I want a Man, not a chick.”

“And if you wanted a chick, you’d just go for one.”

“Uh huh, right,” she smirked.

“And if you did, that would be so cool. Take lots of photos and let me know.”

“Funny.”

“To be honest, I know a lot of girls who’ve complained about this. They all say they want a Man and not someone who’s full of drama. They’re like you: strong, ambitious, independent. A modern woman…”

“I’m a modern woman?”

“…let me finish. Yea, a modern woman. And yet, you all want a traditional guy, a stereotypical Man. It’s an ironic contradiction.”

“Yea, well… I just don’t want a guy to be wuss. I’m already a wuss, I don’t need another in my relationship, you know? And I think… I think a lot of modern women are like that too. The guy can be sensitive and help with household chores. But if he’s going to be full of drama, then he’s taking gender equality too far.”

“So would you want a guy who says you should be pregnant, barefoot, and in the kitchen? Who sits around watching sports while you make his dinner and bring his beer?”

“Well, no. That’s too far the other way. There’s got to be a balance.”

“Ah,” I nodded. “So that’s it. You just hit it on the head. There’s a line to being a modern Man. Go too far, and you’re a chick. Don’t go far enough, and you’re a pig.”

“Right.”

“It’s a shame for you women that too so many guys go to far, huh?”

She sighed again. “Yea…”

We both mindlessly stared at the TV. Random images flickered and flashed. A woman in a bikini, a man driving a car, a house with a white picket fence.

I chuckled. “There’s just no pleasing you women, is there? Such drama and complications!”

She gave me an evil eye and shook her head. “Funny. Keep that up and I’m gonna kick your ass.”

I leaned back into the couch. “Kick my ass, huh? How aggressive of you. I don’t think it’s just Men are the new Women. I think it’s also: Women are the new Men!” I made a hearty chuckle, then braced myself for an ass-whipping.

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The Science of Love: Controlling Love

Whenever people read about the science of love, it usually leads to one of two conclusions:

1. If love is just a series of chemicals, how can I control it? Is love out of my control?
2. If love is just a series of chemicals, can injections change how I feel? Can I make someone fall in love with me?

Great questions. So what do the scientists, who’ve explained away love, think?

Is Love Out of My Control?

Fortunately, the answer is: No.

You have more control over your feelings than you think. In the book Social Intelligence by Daniel Goleman, Ph.D., he abstracts the brain’s interpretation of the senses into two routes, a “low road” and a “high road.”

The low road is lightning fast and operates beneath our awareness, such as instincts, gut feelings, and primal drives. The high road, in contrast, is slower and runs through neural systems that analyze, rationalize, and make meaning of the world around us. In reality, the brain is much more complex than this, but for our purposes, this abstraction will work.

The stew of chemicals, hormones, and neurotransmitters that twirl in the science of love operate on the low road. They drive your primal urges. Fortunately, we all have a conscience (well, most of us anyways) that can steer the stew if necessary. That’s where second-guessing comes is; every time you’ve changed your mind about a gut feeling, you’re experiencing the high road countering the low road.

But it’s still not possible to make yourself or someone else fall in love, right?

Well, yes and no. If the propensity is there, then it is possible to amplify the feelings. If there is a cavern of chemistry between you and the other person, then not even Cupid’s arrows can help you.

How can the feelings of love be amplified? By non-verbal physical communication, such as your smile, your eyes, and your overall body language.

Your Smile

Smile. Right now, while you’re sitting there, smile.

If I had a portable MRI strapped to your noggin, I would have seen your pleasure centers light up. The very act of smiling can actually make you happier.

If another person smiles at you, they can trigger the same chemical reactions. That’s why being around positive people can make you happier (and negative people can make you gloomier). Known as “emotional contagion,” emotions have been found to be contagious and can be transmitted like airborne diseases.

Your Eyes

Look into my eyes. Look deep, for they are windows to my soul.

New York psychologist and professor Arthur Arun, Ph.D. discovered that the simple act of staring into each other’s eyes can spark strong feelings of attraction. In an experiment, he asked two complete strangers to reveal intimate details about their lives for more than an hour. Then he asked them to stare into each other’s eyes silently for four whole minutes. Like a staring contest, sort of. Sounds awkward, huh?

After the experiment, many of the participants confessed to feelings of deep attraction to their partners. Two of his subjects even started to date and eventually got married!

Overall Body Language

How important is a first impression? Not to put any pressure on you, but it can make or break your ability to score a date.

The low road of your brain takes anywhere between ninety seconds to four minutes to decide if there is a chemical attraction. And the deciding factors are more than the strength of your pick-up lines too. The deciding factors are:

• 55% through body language
• 38% through the ton and speed of your voice
• 7% through what you say

This means the way you carry yourself, the way you sit, the way you walk, the way you slouch, the way you stand up straight… All of those things factor in to the initial spark of attraction. Of course, the high road can come in and override many of these factors later, but this is what makes “lust” at first sight.

Can I Make Someone Fall in Love with Me?

Fortunately, the answer is: No.

Within the body, love can be interpreted as a series of chemical reactions. But then again, so can walking, eating, laughing, and pooping.

Humor, for instance, can be explained by chemicals. Does that mean we can make a joke funnier with injections? Well, maybe with laughing gas, or alcohol, or itching powder… but otherwise, no.

Along the high road of the brain, many other factors also play a part in falling in love. Culture, society, beliefs, values, even past experiences play a part. Who we’ve dated in the past shapes who we’ll date in the future. Some people are also more apt to listen to the high road than the low road.

This doesn’t stop corporations from trying, however. The perfume industry has been trying for years to manufacture love in a bottle. They dissect and analyze pheromones with ferocity. If there’s a way to make someone fall in love with a scent, they’ll find it.

Some scientists have also been looking for love potions, not just to fall in love, but to fall out of love. Why?

In her research, anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher found that the three stages of love (lust, attraction, and attachment) are not mutually-exclusive; they can all happen simultaneously. That means Jim the office perv could be lusting after your ass, be falling in love with that new girl in marketing, and be married with kids. Sadly, as Fisher says, “We were not built to be happy but to reproduce.”

So can chemicals “cure” this kind of behavior? The drop of serotonin levels during the attraction phase closely mirrors OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder), anxiety, and depression. Since serotonin-increasing drugs such as Prozac are used to deal with OCD, anxiety, and depression, it’s not a stretch to wonder if Prozac can be applied to kick someone out of the attraction phase too.

To that end, early tests have shown that yes, drugs like Prozac may numb romantic feelings in some people—if the feelings aren’t very strong yet. But once the feelings take root, they are very difficult to uproot. These findings are very inconclusive, scientists are quick to warn, and the brain is still full of mysteries.

Just like love is still a mystery.

Scientists have sought to explain it, to pick and probe at it, and to even recreate or destroy it. But so far, all they’ve gotten is a series of chemicals. What they’ve discovered is great information, but it shouldn’t be used as a guide for explaining your feelings.

While a geek like me is fascinated by these biological details, at the end of the day, I think it’s best to let poets and lyricists explain love.

I love your lips when they’re red with wine
And red with a wild desire;
I love your eyes when the lovelight lies
Lit with a passionate fire.
I love your arms when the strands enmesh
Your kisses against my face.

Not for me the cold, calm kiss
Of a virgin’s bloodless love;
Not for me the saint’s white bliss,
Nor the heart of a spotless dove.
But give me the love that so freely gives
And laughs at the whole world’s blame,
With your body so young and warm in my arms,
It set my poor heart aflame.

So kiss me sweet with your warm wet mouth,
Still fragrant with ruby wine,
And say with a fervor born of the South
That your body and soul are mine.
Clasp me close in your warm young arms,
While the pale stars shine above,
And we’ll live our whole young lives away
In the joys of a living love.

- Ella Wheeler Wilcox

This is a two-part essay:

1. The Science of Love: Chemicals and Romance
2. The Science of Love: Controlling Love

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The Science of Love: Chemicals and Romance

Love is difficult to describe. Poets and lyricists have tried doing so for eons. And they’re still at it.

But how would a scientist describe love? It probably wouldn’t be as romantic as a poet’s or lyricist’s description. I fancy it would be something like this:

Love is a chemical attraction between two people, influenced by environmental and cultural factors, for the purposes of finding a suitable mate to further one’s family line.

Simple as that.

Helen Fisher, an anthropologist at Rutgers University and one of the most well-known researchers in the science of love, would go a bit further and define it in three sequential phases:

1. Lust
2. Attraction
3. Attachment

At each stage, there are identifiable patterns within a person’s brain, hormonal balances, and neurotransmitters. Thus, love can be scientifically identified by examining the chemicals in your brain.

1. Lust

Chemically, the first reaction to another person is lust. This phase is driven by the sex hormones testosterone and estrogen, both of which occur in men & women and enhance a person’s libido & carnal yearnings. These lead to a heightened sense of basic sexual drivers such as appearance and pheromones.

Appearance

No one wants to admit they’re superficial, though we all care about our partner’s looks to a certain extent. Through extensive research, evolutionary psychologist Devendra Singh of the University of Texas discovered that, on average, men tend to prefer women with a waist-to-hip ratio of 0.7. This applies to any weight category, culture, or ethnicity.

Psychology professor Robert Kurzban of the University of Pennsylvania also added a person’s BMI (body mass index) and facial symmetry as factors in general attractiveness. Men typically look for BMI and facial features that hint at fertility, health, and youthfulness. Women typically look for BMI features that hint at virility, strength, health, and ability to provide (meaning social status indicators like salary and education).

Overall, men tend to favor visual stimulation while women tend to favor men with high social status. This helps to explain why the porn industry caters largely to men and why “gold diggers” are generally women.

All of this happens unconsciously, of course, within systems as primal as thirst and hunger. But you can see the evolutionary foundations for such factors. We’re seeking out a mate that is capable of producing healthy offspring. How romantic.

Also gives new meaning to “love at first sight,” huh?

Pheromones

Smell and pheromones have just as much of an impact too. Professor Claus Wedekind of the University of Bern in Switzerland found that women are consistently drawn to the smell of men whose immune systems are different from their own. The more different the immune system, the wider the range of immunities their offspring would have. This is known as disassortative sexual selection.

Then Dr. Martha McClintock of the University of Chicago made a related discovery. Her studies suggest that women are drawn to a man whose smell is most similar to her father. Electra complex, anyone?

These two smell preferences are not in conflict. A man with an immune system close to her father’s would indicate a proven immune system (after all, it worked for Dad) while being different enough to provide complementary immunities. Both work hand-in-hand. (Or rather, nose-to-nose?)

The perfume industry is keenly aware of this; they routinely use pheromones to perfect their aromatic concoctions. It’s like a match made in a perfume bottle.

Unfortunately, the phrase “love at first smell” isn’t as catchy, is it?

2. Attraction

When most people talk about love, they’re referring to this stage. This phase is driven by a suite of neurotransmitters called monoamines: norepinephrine, dopamine, and serotonin. They are responsible for those puppy-dog feelings. In fact, they’re like a drug cocktail of lovey dovey motions and emotions.

Norepinephrine

This chemical influences the attention and reaction centers of the brain. In drastic situations, like being in love, it works alongside ephinephrine (the scientific name for adrenaline) to trigger the fight-or-flight response. No, this doesn’t mean you’ll run from your date or throw a punch. It means you’ll feel an increased heart rate, blood flow, and energy levels. Also, your palms will get sweaty. Dawww.

Dopamine

This chemical triggers an intense rush of pleasure (aw yea), increased energy, focused attention, and decreased need for sleep or food. It also stimulates the reward center of the brain, reinforcing the need to continue seeing your love interest. Cocaine and nicotine trigger many of these feelings too, coincidentally, except it reinforces your need to continue using the drug—hence, addictions. Thus, if you were to look at the brain of a person in love, it would look just like an addict high on drugs. (I’m high on you, baby!)

Serotonin

This chemical inhibits aggression, appetite, sleep, mood, and most importantly for this situation, sexuality. So you’ll be glad to hear that serotonin levels are dropped during this phase. What you may not be glad to hear is that low levels of serotonin are most closely associated with OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder), though they can also indicate depression or anxiety. Serial killers also have low levels of serotonin (though being attracted to someone isn’t going to make you a serial killer, I’m pretty sure). This explains why we’re all a little nuts when we’re in love; we’re literally and chemically obsessing over our partner.

Physiology

Ph.D. student Andreas Bartels and his adviser Semir Zeki of the Imperial College of London used an fMRI (functional magnetic resonance imaging) scanner to scan brains in love. They discovered that the portions of the brain related reward and pleasure activate while portions related to moral judgment deactivate. A drop in moral judgment? This is apparently why people say that “love is blind”. If you’re in love, it doesn’t matter what kind of scumbag your partner is; you’re in love, and that’s that.

3. Attachment

Long-term relationships and marriages wouldn’t work without this stage. This phase is driven by the important hormones oxytocin and vasopressin. Whether you like it or not, our bodies physically deemphasize lust and attraction sooner or later. That’s where these last two hormones come into play; they foster long-standing relationships and bonds that keep couples together as they have children and form families.

Oxytocin

This hormone is released during a wide range of relationship-building activities such as hugging, touching, orgasm, and child birth. Once released, the body experiences heightened sexual arousal, desire for bonding (which explains the cuddling after sex), maternal behavior, increased trust and reduced fear, and increased empathy & generosity.

One of the more famous studies of the effects of oxytocin is on prairie voles. Why prairie voles? Because only 3% of the mammals in this world form monogamous relationships, and prairie voles are one of them. Another would be humans, despite what you might see on Sex and The City.

Similar to humans, when prairie voles have sex, oxytocin and vasopressin is released. Scientists found that blocking these hormones would negate the voles’ monogamy. Conversely, injecting a vole with these hormones and preventing it from having sex (sorry vole) would result in monogamy.

Assistant professor of psychology Diane Witt from New York also discovered oxytocin aids in child rearing. When blocking the release of oxytocin in rats, she found that they rejected their offspring. Conversely, injecting a female rat with oxytocin makes it nurture another female’s young as if they were her own.

This doesn’t mean human love can be had with a simple injection; human love is much more complex than that. But this does demonstrate the powerful relationship-building effects of oxytocin. The evolutionary need for it is fairly clear too. Without it, couples are less likely to stay together and raise healthy offspring.

In fact, it is generally believed that the more sex a couple has, the more likely they are to stay together. Does that mean the next time you ask for a quickie, you can say, “But baby, I’m doing it for us, for the relationship?” Heh heh…

Vasopressin

This hormone is generally used to regulate the body’s retention of water, though it also has some neurological effects on the brain, all of which are not yet known. Like oxytocin, it is also released after orgasm. It also may aid in memory formation, tighten bonds between sexual partners, and in males, increase aggression against other males (perhaps against other suitors?).

Back to the prairie voles. When vasopressin was blocked in male prairie voles, they lost their devotion to their mates and did not protect them from new suitors. Research is still being done to discover the exact effects of vasopressin.

Chemical Romance, Chemical Love

So there you have it. Love broken down as a series of chemicals being released in three stages. Makes me wonder if this would make for a good Valentine’s Day card:

When I first saw and smelled you,
testosterone and estrogen were released into my brain.
Then came norepinephrine, serotonin,
and enough dopamine to feel like I was high on cocaine.
Now that we’re past those two stages,
it’s mostly oxytocin and vasopressin going in my mind.
So baby won’t you please,
oh won’t you please be my Chemical Valentine?

Hmm. Probably not. Scientists and Hallmark don’t mix.

This is a two-part essay:

1. The Science of Love: Chemicals and Romance
2. The Science of Love: Controlling Love

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