My Ideal Writing Space

Look! That guy is staring at that interracial couple with a grimace. That kid keeps getting up from his seat and bringing back random books to his Mom. That girl who looks like she’s barely out of college just smiled at me.

There’s a wealth of stories in this cafe. Good people-watching places offer a plethora of opportunities like this.

My idea writing space would be here. Surrounded by interesting people with interesting lives. All of whom are strangers to me in reality, but cohorts and co-writers in my mind. I need only close my eyes to experience their fictional lives and wacky adventures.

There’s soft music in the background. Sometimes its Norah Jones, other times its Nickelback. Either way, it provides a great soundtrack to my writing. Everything needs a soundtrack.

A silky mist is rising from the hot tea. I’d sip it but I don’t want to burn my lip raw. On a dark chilly day like this, hot tea is the ideal remedy. Its counterpart, iced tea, is ideal for hot sunny days.

There’s one thing missing though: a Writing Buddy. I’ve had a few over the years, friends who’ve also had a penchant for writing and craving for company. For some, writing is a solitary exercise. For me, it’s a social event to share with good friends.

Perhaps it’s the dynamic exchange of ideas or the stimulating oddball conversations that can only be had with caffeine. Or perhaps it’s just the company, the friendly face across the table. A great substitute is a Reading Buddy, a friend who enjoys a good book and coffee. Both, for me, are as helpful as hot or iced tea.

A bookstore cafe is especially nice. If the idea juices aren’t gushing, then there are a plethora of books to get the tide back up. Over in the Writing section are tomes on style, direction, tips, quotations, and even ideas. It’s a virtual writing workshop, a writing coach without the smelly tobacco and mood swings.

In fact, my Virtual Writing Coach, in the form of Jack Heffron’s “The Writer’s Idea Book,” gave me the jumpstart for this ramble.

Prompt: Fantasy time. Describe your ideal writing space. Fill it in to the last detail. Perch yourself on a balcony overlooking the Pacific. Snuggle yourself next to a fire in a richly paneled study. When you finish the description, read it with an eye towards patterns and details. Do you prefer an open place? Light or dark colors? A sense of freedom or safety? Again, no right answers here.

I didn’t follow his prompt to the letter, but it was enough to inspire this ramble. My preferences are apparent: a busy, social place for people-watching and conversation with friends. It’s the interaction with people that I crave, direct or indirect, visual or verbal, real or imaginary. Everyone has a different ideal writing space; this is mine.

Where is your ideal writing space?

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Dating As Networking

Having trouble in the dating world? Not meeting enough people? Not meeting the right people?

The same can be said about business contacts. So here’s a thought. Why not take a business networking approach to dating?

Here’s the idea:

Every new friend you make is connected to many potential new friends. Many could be single. Even if they aren’t, the friends of that friend are connected to many more potential new friends.

By expanding your social network of friends, you’ll meet a lot more people. The probability of meeting someone special from a larger selection is statistically better than from a smaller selection. By statistics alone, you’ll improve your chances.

It’s been said that most jobs are found through business connections than through headhunters, job sites, classifieds, etc. The same can be said about dating. Online dating, personals ads, clubs, and bars are all viable ways to get a date. Using your social network is an even better one.

Just making new friends isn’t enough, however. As with business networking, your contact isn’t going to help you if he/she doesn’t know you well. You need to establish some kind of trust and relationship with this contact first.

In date networking, you also have to establish this. People aren’t going to match you up with their single friends if they think you’re a shady person. They have to know that you’re a genuinely good person that perhaps could fit their single friends.

Unlike business networking, it can be tough to determine good contacts. When you are looking for a job or to make future corporate deals, you gain more value by targeting those with influence. When you’re looking for a date, you could also gain more value if there was a simple way to assess who could make a good source.

One method is to use sheer brute force: the more good friends you can make, the greater your chances will be. It can be tough to become close friends with a lot of people however; the more friends you have, the less heart-to-heart time you can devote to each one. Your good-friend-factor will be diluted as you spread yourself thin.

So how do you determine who’s a good date networking contact? Someone who knows a lot of single people? Someone who’s very popular?

Nope. You make date networking contacts the same way you make new genuine friends. More important than the quantity of friends is the quality of friends. The dilution factor outweighs the benefits of the statistical benefits of a large selection.

The more genuine your friendship with someone, the better they’ll be able to find a good match for you.

At the same time, if you make friends with only people who are within your own social circle, they’ll only be able to introduce you to the same single people you already know.

The key, then, is to find and make good friends outside your social circle. Finding even one good friend outside your social circle can greatly expand your social network. This will ensure both a wider range than you had previously, plus they’ll hopefully be quality people.

So if you’re down on your luck and aren’t meeting enough of the right people, the situation is not hopeless. A lot of people feel the same way. Fortunately for all of you, there are possible solutions.

Consider taking a business networking approach to dating. Make new friends, and not just a lot of new friends, but a few really good friends. It could open a whole new world of possibilities to you, not just for dating, but as potentially long-lasting and meaningful friendships.

What do you think about networking to date?

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The Art of Politics

You can’t escape it. It’s all around you. Everyday, you face it and have to deal with it. It is politics.

The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines Politics as: “The art or science concerned with guiding or influencing government policy; competition between groups or individuals for power and leadership.”

The more common street definition is that politics is Power. And power, in this context, is the ability to influence others. The more persuasive and influential you are, the more powerful you are.

To the average person, politics is a sleazy act that requires a fake smile with a fake handshake. Shoveling heaps of bullshit and turning off your conscience are its accomplices. It’s a difficult behavior that requires a very particular mind; either you have it or you don’t.

I, however, disagree. I believe that anyone can engage in politics easily and honorably.

First, remove the negative connotations of the word Politics. See it only as: “The ability to influence.” The ability to influence is not inherently a dishonorable trait. It is simply a trait.

With this generic definition, let’s apply it to a set of friends as an example.

You and your friends want to see a movie. There are two movies out: a horror and a drama. You know that one of your shy friends, Sandy, abhors horror movies. Another more outspoken friend, Johnny, heard a favorable recommendation for the horror movie and asks the group to see it. Most of the others don’t have an opinion either way.

Sandy makes a tiny comment against it, but Johnny is loud and boisterous. He regales the group of fun it would be to get scared together, of the wonderful reviews it’s gotten, and of what a great time they’ll have watching this movie. The majority of the group is convinced and decides to see the horror movie.

Johnny was able to do this because he was able to persuade everyone that the horror movie was worth it. This doesn’t mean he’s a bad person or meant to disregard Sandy’s opinion. He probably did this unconsciously or didn’t realize the extent of her fear with horror movies.

In other words, he was able to influence the group.

You, upon knowing that Sandy abhors horror movies, could decide to increase your influence on the group and speak up for those less outspoken. This doesn’t mean you need to fight Johnny on the school ground or challenge him to a car race; that stuff’s for the movies. It means you need to understand the Art of Politics.

The Art of Politics is comprised of two basic principles:

1. Understand the Other Person’s Point of View
   All of us view life differently. We all have a filter, a point of view, which interprets what we see and hear. This point of view is a complex combination of societal, familial, cultural, religious, economical, geographical, and genetic factors that have shaped our behaviors and opinions.It’s important to have a basic understanding of how the other person views life. You don’t have to know every intricate detail; a general awareness is enough. This awareness can be used to understand why the person acts the way he/she does.
   
   
2. Understand the Other Person’s Motivations
   All of us have factors that push us along in life. Some are goal-driven and aim for a concrete list of goals. Others passionately seek to better themselves intellectually, spiritually, and physically. Yet others are forced onto paths because of their fears or insecurities. There are those that run towards something and those that run away from something.It’s important to have a basic understanding of what motivates the other person. Again, you don’t need to know every last motivation, but this awareness can be used to help convince the person that your argument is aligned with his/her passions. In the world of sales, this is what helps you to achieve a win/win solution.

With these principles, let’s apply them to the same set of friends.

As you strive to understand Johnny’s point of view, you discover that he’s been raised to believe that a decisive man is a good thing, even if others don’t agree with that decision. He struggles with this trait, but his parents have instilled it into him pretty well.

Along the way, you discover that he has a crush on Sandy; one of his unconscious motivations is to ask Sandy out on a date one day. Ironically, he believes that being decisive will make him look more attractive to Sandy, even if she disagrees with his decision.

You also discover that he’s choosing the horror movie based on another friend’s opinion. This opinion isn’t reliable, but since he hasn’t heard anything good about the drama, he’s pushing himself to be decisive despite the lack of information.

Armed with this simple understanding, you can now influence Johnny’s decision towards one that will be aligned with his own motivations while residing within his view of life.

You look up some reviews of both movies and give the group this information. It turns out that both movies have good reviews. Then you make a light joke about how Sandy is afraid of horror movies. The joke is tasteful enough not to embarrass Sandy, yet enough to make Johnny realize her feelings about horror movies.

With this new information, Johnny turns on his decisive switch again and chooses the drama. Sandy breathes a sigh of relief and Johnny doesn’t have to lose any face. You were able to exert a subtle influence on the group that was beneficial to everyone and didn’t require any lying or fighting.

Politics doesn’t have to involve any fake smiles or handshakes. It need not be about lying or cheating. You can keep a clear conscience and still be able to influence others. And anyone can do this, even you.

To be influential, you have to understand people. You have to understand where they’re coming from, their point of view on life. Then you have to understand why they’re on this path, their motivations in life.

That, simply, is the Art of Politics.

. . .

How do you deal with politics?

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The Summer Party

You know what amazes me? How there can be so many great single people on an island together with Circumstance being the only thing separating them?

With so many great single people on this island, the chances of many of them being right for each other are good. So why are they still single? They haven’t had the right Circumstances to meet each other yet.

The chemistry could be there. They just need the right place and time. I’m talking about my friends and acquaintances in Manhattan.

So if Circumstance is the only thing separating them, why not provide that Circumstance? I did this last year as the Autumn Party. This year, I decided to do it again, as the Summer Party.

And this time, my co-hosts and I decided to make it smaller and more casual. And less about meeting that special and more about meeting new friends.

Here’s the evite:

Let’s celebrate Summer in NYC at Flatiron Lounge!

Flatiron Lounge is on West 19th St., between 5th and 6th Ave. For photos and more info, check out: http://newyork.citysearch.com/profile/37045068

Don’t you wish it was easier to meet new people in Manhattan? This is such a huge city, yet we sometimes fall into a clique and get stuck there. Don’t you wish there were more nice & casual ways to make new friends outside your social circle?

Us too. That’s why we’re having this Summer Party. We’re inviting all of our friends – people that we know are good people – together for one night of fun!

Since it’s on a Thursday night, think of it as an extended happy hour – a low-key & casual way to chill with old friends and make new ones after a long day of work. And you’ll still have your entire weekend free!

We’ll be in the downstairs lounge, which fits about 75 people. This isn’t going to be some huge, crowded party. We’re just aiming for a chill environment with good friends & good conversation.

P.S. Us hosts have a job for this party. It will be our job to walk around, try and meet every one of you, and introduce you to someone you don’t already know. So if you see one of us walking around, come and say, “Hi!”

Did it work? I don’t know yet, though I know of at least one person who got a few phone numbers. So if at least one person made a new friend, than I’d say yes, it worked.

I hope this provided the right Circumstance to some of these great single people. If not, perhaps I’ll try and provide another next season.

Have you been to a single’s party lately?

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Wingman

I am a great wingman. A truly magnificent beast of a wingman.

I am always ready to take one for the team, especially if it means the squadron leader can take home the prize.

I have it all down to a science. With a repertoire of conversation topics on hand, I can keep her friend occupied for hours. These are topics that have been gathered and carefully honed after years and years of being a traveling consultant.

I have a watchful eye to monitor the leader’s progress. Those subtle cues for when he suddenly needs backup are instantly relayed to my alert centers. In a moment’s notice, I can jump in there with a stupid joke to take the heat off of him.

I admit; it’s a tough job being a good wingman. You can’t outshine the leader. You can’t take his glory. Your ultimate purpose is to make him the best, the sharpest, the strongest member of your team. It’s no place for an ego.

I am a great wingman though; I know all of this. I know when to walk away and when to spill my drink. I know how to look like a complete dork (some would say I know how to do that pretty darn well) and I know how to focus her friend’s attention completely on me.

I even know when to take on this role without an openly expressed request. There will be times when, in the midst of a battle, I can see my friend’s target. He’s got her in his sights and is moving in for the kill. There’s no time for him to relay a message to me. But those subtle cues are all I need to draw fire from her friend and cause the necessary diversions.

I do this because I know my friend will do the same for me. The wingman and the leader are interchangeable roles. We’ve all taken round-robin training and can execute each role expertly. We count on each other for this flexibility.

I know just as well as my friend does that if I ever come upon a target, he’ll gladly take one for the team as well.

I’m a great wingman, but I can only be a great wingman with great friends.

Are you a good wingman/woman?

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A Filipino Thanksgiving

Lots of food, lots of alcohol, and lots of loud laughter. That’s how I would describe my Filipino Thanksgiving.

I was greeted with lots of warm smiles and handshakes. They welcomed me immediately. “Hi Michael! Welcome to our house!”, “Michael! So good to meet you!”, “Here Mike, have a beer!”

As I walked in, G slipped an arm around his grandmother. “Hey beautiful, how you doin’?”

“Oh stop it, I’m not beautiful,” she shrugged.

“What? Are you kidding me? You’ll always be beautiful!”

She beamed and walked off, head slightly higher than before.

G led me to the back patio, where the uncles huddled around a boiling pot of soup and several six-packs. A Corona was quickly attached to my hand.

“This is goat-head soup,” one of them told me with a smirk. “Here, try some.”

I stared down at the broth. They watched as I dipped my spoon in and sucked down the soup. “Mmmmm! Good!”

“They’re fuckin’ with you, that ain’t goat-head soup,” G assured me.

“Whatever it is, it’s damn good,” I replied. I sucked down another spoonful. The uncles smiled and collectively nodded.

I wandered back inside, in time for the big gathering and saying of Thanks before the meal. Once everyone gathered, G’s father delivered a heartfelt speech of gratitude and remembrance.

Much more eloquent than Homer Simpson’s version: “Good drink, good meat, good God, let’s eat!”

G’s grandfather was brought out in his wheelchair. He was presented a birthday cake the shape of a turkey. A big 95 was on it. 95 years old, damn!

He blew all but one candle out. One of his grandchildren brought out her son, his great-grandson, to help with the remaining candle. A quick wisp of baby spittle and the candle was out.

The feast was glorious. Overwhelmingly glorious, as a Thanksgiving feast should be. There was turkey, yam, potatoes, stuffing, cranberry salad, and lots of wine. Which meant that as soon as I got myself a plate of food, a glass of wine was quickly attached to my hand.

G’s father sat next to me. “You know, he was in the war.” He motioned towards G’s grandfather. “World War II. Since they didn’t allow minorities to be soldiers, he was a cook.”

I marveled at the story. A World War II veteran. Celebrating his 95th birthday with his entire family, including a great-grandson. What a legacy.

The food was washed down with another table full of dessert. And oh, another glass of wine was quickly attached to my hand.

In the living room, several cousins brought out their guitars. Several aunts slumped on the comfy couches as their children played and sang to them.

Outside, the uncles returned to their goat-head soup vigil.

Around the television, the kids finished up Finding Nemo and turned on the karaoke machine. They latched onto the mike and belted out Ghostbusters.

“Who you gonna call?” shouted a little squeaky voice, “Ghostbusters!”

A fourth group huddled around a kitchen table. “Who wants to play poker?” G asked. Several cousins jumped in. I watched on, trying to get a feel for the psychology of the game. G won.

The night continued this way for hours. There were still lots of food, lots of alcohol, and lots of loud laughter from every nook and cranny of the house. I watched all of this while another Corona was quickly attached to my hand.

Thanksgiving ended with a full belly and thankful thoughts. And an extra helping of dessert.

Thankful thoughts: I’m thankful for friends like G who invited me to his family’s house because I couldn’t go to NY or LA to see family. And thank you to my other two friends who also extended offers to this Thanksgiving orphan.

Thanks G!

Have you ever experienced a Filipino Thanksgiving?

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The Autumn Party

Here’s how it started. I was at Veniero’s with some female friends. We were bemoaning the difficulty of finding good single people in Manhattan.

“Why is it so hard?” they asked. “Where are they?”

“I don’t know, but I know they’re out there.”

We all shook our heads and dug into our desserts. Then, with a mouthful of chocolate and cream, I continued.

“Hey, how many single friends do you have?”

“Me? I don’t know. A whole bunch.”

“How about you?”

“A lot too.”

“And you?”

“A lot of single friends. Why are you asking, Mike?”

I gulped down the dessert and cleared my throat. “What if we were to get all of our single friends together? Put them all in a room together, and let the magic happen?”

Their smiles were radiant. We quickly hashed out a plan. About ten friends each, all single. Maybe some of them would want to bring their friends along too. We might get forty to fifty people. Since we’d know them all, we’d know they were quality people. It would be like Friendster in action.

Various ideas were thrown around. A cruise. A restaurant. A picnic at a park. There would be games. Ice-breakers. Non-singles would have to wear something indicating they weren’t single.

But there was a problem. We came up with a ratio of 5:1 girls to guys. 5:1 girls to guys! What a problem to have! So we expanded the list and opened it up to other people. Our friends’ friends have to know some good single people too.

And so it grew. And grew. And grew.

We quickly outgrew our original location, the posh and upscale Ava Lounge. So we chose Zanzibar Lounge. They were much more friendly and accommodating.

The list continued to grow. It passed 100 people. Then 150. Then 200.

We set a cap at 210. Zanzibar can’t fit many more people, so it wouldn’t be physically possible to invite any more. 210 people. And that’s just the people who said “Yes” on the Evite. There were about 200 more that had not yet replied.

We don’t know how it grew so quickly, but many of the participants later told me that it was the wording of the Evite that enticed them. It didn’t sound like a typical meat market and seemed sincere. So they came. And they invited all of their friends to come. And their friends invited all of their friends to come. And so on.

Here’s what the Evite said:

Let’s celebrate Autumn in NYC at Zanzibar Lounge!

Zanzibar Lounge is at the corner of 9th Ave and 45th Street. For photos and more info, check out: http://www.zanzibarnyc.com/

Did you ever wonder why it seems so hard to find a good single guy or girl in Manhattan? Did you ever wish there was a way to meet some good people without having to go bar- or club-hopping?

Or did you ever wish you could just meet some new people outside your social circle?

Or maybe you’re already in a great relationship. Did you ever try to set up that one great single friend, only to discover that you don’t have any other single friends?

Us too. That’s why we’re having this Autumn Party. We’re inviting all of our friends – people that we know are good people – together for one night of fun!

If you’re not single and want to come, please do. All we ask is you bring some of your single friends along too. That way, you can watch the magic blossom right before your eyes!

So come on, help us celebrate Autumn in NYC at Zanzibar Lounge! And meet some cool new people!

By the time the party came around, the list held 261 Yes’, 26 Undecided’s, 39 No’s, and 328 Not Yet Replied’s.

Crazy huh? From forty to fifty people to over five hundred. And none of us are professional party promoters. This was just a casual event for our friends.

It just goes to show that there are a lot of single people in Manhattan who are tired of the usual dating scenes.

We grew afraid that this changed the original intent of the party. And it did. Nearly three hundred strangers is drastically different than forty to fifty strangers. But we went on with the party anyways.

I believe the party was a huge success. We packed Zanzibar and a lot of people made new friends. We lost the intimacy that we originally desired, but if just one couple comes out of this event, then it was all worth it.

Have you ever set up a single’s party?

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Muoi

Dear Mr. Nguyen,

I wish I could have met you. From what Kim has told me, you sounded like a truly impressive and honorable man.

Did you see your family at your funeral this weekend? So many people were crying. They love you so much.

You’ve given them so much strength and wisdom throughout the years. And now, they are all strong and wise. You should be proud of them, Mr. Nguyen.

You have a strong and wise family.

You’ve left behind quite a legacy. Even now, Kim and her brother and sisters are finding out new things about your clandestine past. How you were a hero in your country. How hundreds, no, thousands of people felt your kind influence and adored you. How you helped shape the political environment of your homeland. And how you had to flee when your country turned against you.

Muoi is a magical number to you, so I’m told. Ten. Everything you did was in tens. Your life operated in tens. You thought you only had ten years, but then your family’s love gave you ten more years. It’s amazing what love can do.

Did you now that Kim is a very talented writer? Just like you?

That’s how I got to really know her. She and I were writing buddies before she moved away. Every once in a while, we’d bring our laptops to a café and write. She’s a very passionate and descriptive writer whose words are lush with imagery and symbolism.

Kim writes just like how she views life—full of hope and meaning. And with a healthy serving of wit to boot.

She also has that same strength of conviction that I imagine you must have had. To stand up for what you believe in, despite the ardent protests of those around you (especially from those close to you), requires a lot of strength.

Kim has that. You had that as well, didn’t you? That’s what led you to fight for democracy and freedom in your country, isn’t it? Because you believed; because you had the strength of conviction to believe that what you were fighting for was right.

You should be proud of her, Mr. Nguyen.

Just as she’s proud of the man you were, you should be proud of the woman she is. The daughter you raised. You’ve instilled much strength and wisdom in her.

Understandably, it’s her confidence that’s shaken now. The loss of a parent isn’t easy for anyone. But judging from the kind of man you were, I know you’ll be doing everything you can to help her realize the wisdom she has. So that she’ll have faith in herself again.

You watched your final burial, didn’t you? We all saw you watching. I hope you liked it. I hope you felt honored by it. Your family was very gracious and kind, as were your friends and guests.

And it’s a beautiful plot. Kim told me you have a beautiful view. From here, you can watch over your family. From here, you can see your house being rebuilt. From here, you can finally rest, knowing that you’ve left behind an honorable and memorable legacy.

I wish I could have met you, Mr. Nguyen. Watch over your family well, and continue guiding them as you’ve always done.

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Leading Her On

“Stop it Michael.”

“What?” I asked, leaning up from the couch. “Why, what am I doing wrong?”

“You’re leading her on,” my friend replied.

“No I’m not. How?”

“You’re leading her on,” she repeated, shaking her head, “by staying friends with her.”

“But she said she wanted to be friends!”

She took a deep breath. “Of course she does. Deep inside, she’s hoping you both will get back together again.”

I sighed and sat back into the couch. The leather hissed in concert. “So what am I supposed to do? Stop being friends with her?”

“Well, yes.”

“I don’t want that though. I don’t want to lose her from my life.” I picked up my coffee and blew the hot vapors from the top.

“Sometimes, friendship with ex’s isn’t always possible Michael.” She rested her elbow on the armchair and massaged her forehead.

I sighed again and looked out the window. A young, smiling couple was holding hands and walking a dog.

“But she meant so much to me. I meant so much to her. We’ve shared so much together.”

“Right…”

“We were both a large part of each other’s lives. How can we just throw that all away?”

“Right, but…”

“What we had was more than friendship, more than boyfriend and girlfriend. What we had can and should last longer than…” I paused. My friend’s stare was stone. “…longer than a romantic relationship.”

My friend tilted her head and looked down at the table. “Look at it from her point of view.” She raised her eyes back at me. “You’re an anchor, keeping her tied to this place, preventing her from moving away.”

I forced a knot down my throat. My mouth was dry and coarse, so I took a sip of coffee.

“You’re keeping her here. She cares a lot about you. As long as you remain friends with her, you’re keeping her here.”

It took great pains to swallow the coffee. It was hot and bitter.

“You have to let her move on, Michael. Sometimes, a friendship with an ex isn’t possible,” she repeated.

“I know,” I said, in more of a whisper than a declaration. “I know… I just thought it would be different with us.”

She slumped her shoulders and gave me a flat smile. “I know, Michael. Someone always thinks it is. But do you understand why it’s not?”

I slowly nodded my head. “Yea, I hear what you’re saying. I just don’t know if I totally agree.”

She wrinkled her brow. “Here’s another way to look at it. You continue to be her friend, but you still go out and meet other girls. That’s an awful good position for you, but simply an awful one for her. That’s selfish.”

“Selfish?” I sat up from the couch, hearing it hiss in reply.

“Yes. It’s like having your cake and eating it too.” She regarded her coffee for a moment. “You want to keep her in your life, and you want to see other women. That’s not fair for her.”

“Even,” I stammered, “even if she is the one who asked for the friendship and wants it?”

“Yes. Especially if she is the one who asked for the friendship. She’s not ready to let go yet, and neither are you. But you’ve already made the choice to let go.” She took a sip of her coffee as I momentarily gazed out the window.

“You’ve already made the choice to let go.” She caught me dead in the eye. I shuddered. “And to keep her as a friend right now, you’re going to keep her hopes high. You’re going to keep her anchored to you, even though you’re moving on.”

I looked away and blinked. I felt my jaw tighten. “Yea.” I muttered.

“So don’t anchor her, Michael. Don’t.” She paused. “It’s not fair to her.”

I sighed again, and sank deeper into the couch. “Yea, but… I don’t think it’s that way. I’ll do my best to be civil with her, while maintaining that we’re just friends. I think she’d understand that.”

She shook her head and closed her eyes. My gaze wandered out the window again. This time, an older, married couple strolled by, arm in arm.

“Let me ask you a question. Would you mind it if she dated other people?”

“Of course not! In fact,” I smiled, “I’d be very happy for her.”

“I’m sure you would be. But what do you think her boyfriends will think? With you in her life while she still has feelings for you, they’ll see that as baggage.”

“Baggage?” I shook my head. “Why?”

She took a sip of coffee and cleared her throat. “She’s not over you yet. She’s still got lingering feelings for you. That means she’s not ready yet to move on. Baggage.”

I stared at the table, avoiding my friend’s stern gaze.

“You’re not only keeping her anchored, you’re keeping other guys from asking her out. That’s selfish, Michael.”

My jaw tightened as my grip on my coffee tightened. A long, strained sigh wheezed past my lips. I struggled to find a comfortable position in the couch.

“And you know what? This isn’t just hurting her. This is hurting you.”

“Me?” My head shot up. “How?”

“First, let me ask you a question: Would you tell future girlfriends about her?”

“Sure I would. I’d be open and honest about it.”

“Good, that’s what I thought you’d do. When those future girlfriends find out, what do you think they’re going to say?”

“Um.” I scratched my chin. “Well, this could be seen as a good thing, because it shows maturity on my part that I can maintain a friendship with an ex.”

“Sorry, Michael. I don’t think so.” She put her elbows on the table and leaned forward. “What they’re going to think is that she is your backup.”

“Backup?!”

“Yes. They’re going to think she is your backup. She still has feelings for you. So chances are, if you ever went back to her, she’d take you.”

“Backup?! That’s not true!”

“Maybe. Maybe not. But the point is, future girlfriends could see it that way. They won’t believe that you’ll fully commit to them. Do you know why?”

I shook my head, my jaw too clenched tight to answer.

“Because if you guys ever had a fight, you could just give up. You could just give up and fall to your backup. You may not give the new relationship a fair chance.”

I squeezed the back of my neck. The muscles were tense and in pain. “But I would never do that,” I stated. “You know me better than that.”

“Maybe. Maybe not. But the point is, future girlfriends could see it that way. You’re jeopardizing future relationships. For both you and her.”

I let out another sigh and sank deeper into the couch, hearing it hiss at me again. “So what should I do?”

“End it, Michael. End it for good. Stop leading her on and end it.”

Have you ever inadvertantly led someone on?

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Friends That Just Know

“See, a friend like her, she just knows. She just knows when I’m up to something, when I’m doing something bad,” said my friend, beaming proudly.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Take this phone call I once had with her. The one day he stays over, she calls. It’s because she knew, I tell you. She knew.”

The phone rang as we were lying in bed together. The first thing she said, without any kind of greeting, was:

“What are you doing?”

“What? Nothing.”

“Are you doing something bad?”

“Um… no.” I lied, but I knew she knew.

“Where are you?”

“I’m at home in bed. I’m tired, I’m going to go to sleep now.”

“No you’re not, you’re going to tell me about your new boy.”

“Um… I can’t.”

“What? Why? He’s there, isn’t he?”

“Um…”

“Aaaaaaa! Let me talk to him.”

“Um… okay.” I handed the phone over to him because I-I don’t know why. I just did.

“H-hello?” He answered, all nervous.

“Aaaaaaaaaaa!” She screamed. And that’s all she said. He freaked out and handed the phone back to me.

“Um… hello?”

“I can’t believe he’s there!”

“Um, I think I’d better go now.”

“Oh yea, you most definitely HAVE to go!”

And then she hung up. She just knew, see? She just knew.

Do your friends know you well?

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