How to Live a Long, Happy Life

I intend on living a long, happy life.

It would be cool to be a great-grandparent, for instance. I’ve also got many things I want to do. Write books, learn new things, start businesses and non-profits, help my community. So many plans, so little time.

Age is not the limiting factor. Health is.

So how can I live a long and happy life? Dan Buettner, a National Geographic writer, believes he knows the answer. He founded the organization Quest Network, Inc. to conduct a study of “Blue Zones” – regions of the world where there are sizable populations that live active lives past one hundred years of age.

There are currently five known Blue Zones in the world:

• Sardina, Italy
• Okinawa, Japan
• Loma Linda, CA, USA
• Nicoya Peninsula, Costa Rica
• Icaria, Greece

Buettner and his organization studied these regions and discovered four key traits that all share, regardless of geography, culture, religion, or other factors.

1. Move Naturally
2. Right Outlook
3. Eat Wisely
4. Connect

Move Naturally

People living in Blue Zones don’t run marathons or lift heavy weights in gyms. They don’t sit in front of the TV or computers a lot either. Instead, they take a lot of walks. They climb up stairs. They hike up mountains. They even tend gardens, which require daily manual labor.

The Sardinians live on hillsides. So to get around, many walk up and down these hills all the time, even those in their eighties. Many Okinawans maintain personal gardens that they cultivate with pride. It’s not uncommon to see elders plowing and raking and pulling out weeds.

The trick is to do something active every day that you enjoy. That way, being active isn’t a chore; it is something you look forward to. And that’s why it works.

If you love doing cardio at the gym, then more power to you. Otherwise, take a walk around the block. Walk to the local grocery store instead of driving. Use the stairs instead of the elevator. Take a parking spot further away from the entrance of the mall so you have to walk a bit. Play sports with friends. Play the Nintendo Wii. Do something active everyday.

Right Outlook

Blue Zone inhabitants maintain a healthy perspective on life. They take time to slow down and relax from their hectic schedules. They use healthy outlets to vent their stress. They take problems in stride.

It’s not that they live boring, unexciting lives. Loma Linda is the home of a large medical university and medical community. Being a doctor is far from relaxing. The majority of these residents – those that regularly live long, active lives, at least – are also Seventh-day Adventists, a Christian denomination. Their religion aids in their ability to find peace with their frustrations.

Aside from mechanisms to dispel stress, Blue Zone inhabitants also deeply believe they have a purpose in life. That purpose could be as small as the Okinawan fisherman who sees his purpose is to fish so he can feed his family, or the Okinawan grandmother who knows her purpose is to care for her great-great-grandchildren. Religion also imbues a deep sense of purpose to Seventh-day Adventists.

Many don’t retire. They keep on doing what they enjoy doing, because they believe it is their purpose, their reason to get up every day.

Look for healthy outlets for your stress. Some use exercise, some take walks, and some create art to find relief. For others, it’s spirituality, religion, or their family and community.

A sense of purpose is also equally important. If you don’t have a reason to wake up every day and stay healthy, then find one. Spirituality and religion fill this hole for many. Family and community fill this for others. Still others find their purpose in their work or art. And sometimes your purpose isn’t bestowed upon you; it is something you go out and determine for yourself.

Eat Wisely

Those in Blue Zones eat healthy food in moderation. By healthy food, I mean their diets include a lot of vegetables and little processed food. Seventh-day Adventists are vegetarians. Okinawans eat lots of fresh fish. Sardinians consume homemade food. Each community has a different meal mix, though all contain a lot of vegetables and little processed food.

By moderation, I mean they don’t overeat. They don’t serve huge, American-sized portions. The Okinawans even eat from small plates as a means to minimize overeating. Others take breaks between servings. Since it takes several minutes before the feeling of satiation hits your stomach, taking a break can curb the amount you eat.

Include more vegetables in your diet. Decrease the amount of processed food and fast food from your daily intake as much as possible, or remove it altogether. You don’t need vitamin supplements as long as you eat a wide variety of vegetables, grains, and meats.

And perhaps even more importantly, reduce your portion sizes. Eat from small bowls. Take breaks between servings. You may find yourself feeling full without the usual volume you consume.

Connect

The last common aspect of all Blue Zone elders is their sense of family and community. To them, family comes first. Grandparents aren’t shut away in nursing homes. Respect increases with age, so the eldest are given the most respect.

They also feel a sense of belonging within their communities. Friendships endure throughout lifetimes. A person can count on a friend in time of need, and give selflessly when that friend is in need. You’ve got my back, I’ve got your back.

These tight bonds are formed with people of similar values as well. Everyone in a particular community shares the same core values of enjoyable activities (walks, hikes, etc), a healthy outlook (able to vent with each other, a feeling of purpose), healthy diets (natural foods in moderation), and a sense of belonging.

If you’ve been estranged from your family, consider making amends. Be the bigger person and take the first step at healing that bond. In cases where that’s totally impossible, foster the friendships you have, especially with those that share the same values. Consider being a part of a healthy tight-knit community, such as an activity group, special interest group, religious group, etc.

Is This Possible?

For some, this news is obvious to you. But for others, this may seem entirely impossible. How such a lifestyle can be followed in today’s society? I hear you. I know it’s not easy.

I don’t think it’s impossible either. It just takes some extra effort and a lot of discipline. Moving naturally and eating wisely are the easiest ones to do first, since they involve changes in behavior. The tough part is sticking to the new behavior long enough for it to become habit.

Having the right outlook and connecting to others are much tougher. The first involves changing a mental model that’s been ingrained for years. The second involves both behavioral and mental changes.

Part of having the right outlook is having healthy outlets for stress. This can include exercising, talking to trusted friends, or creating art. There are numerous self-help websites and books you can turn to for more ideas as well.

The other part of the right outlook is a sense of purpose. If you can’t find an easy answer, you are probably waiting for that purpose to come to you. Let me correct that misconception: that is not going to happen. Not everyone is lucky enough to be given their purpose. You need to go out and find your purpose. Create one. Look for something you believe in, whether it is a family member, a vocation, or a cause. As long as it allows you to follow these other traits and doesn’t harm others, embrace it as the reason you get up every morning.

Finding a community that accepts you is probably the toughest one to achieve. If you weren’t born into a tight-knit family or community, you will have to work hard to become a part of a healthy community. However, it’s worth the effort. Once you are in a good community, a sense of purpose will almost certainly come to you.

How do you find such a community? Church groups are an obvious source. Activity groups and special interest groups are another, though not all will give you an encompassing sense of community. Some people join such groups just to do the activity, then return to their own communities without further involvement in the group.

Neighborhood-based communities are also a good source. There are “gated communities” (a set of houses enclosed within gates) that try to engender such a sense of belonging, not only for goodwill, but for protection too (crime is less common in such neighborhoods).

For some, their work can also provide a viable community, though like activity and special interest groups, not all of the members may be willing to put in the same level of commitment as you. To them, it’s just a job, not a community.

I am lucky that I follow and have a lot of these traits. Hopefully I can continue to foster them throughout my long, happy life, and vice versa. For many, I had to work hard to create them. But once they’ve become engrained in my life, following them is as easy as eating and breathing.

Want to see more? You can watch Buettner’s talk at a TEDxTC conference on September 2009 about his study of Blue Zones. It’s a fascinating talk.

Now go live long and prosper. And talk a walk around the block while you’re at it.

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How We Met

We met at a wedding. I know. It’s a cliché to meet someone at a wedding. Some even crash weddings to pick up those someones.

Not us though. Meeting a guy was, at best, on the periphery of her radar, if it was even on the screen. The bride told me there would be hardly any single girls there. So I turned my focus to enjoying Hawaii since it was my first time there.

My table at the wedding reception was the loud, drunk table. You know that table. Every wedding has one. Its guests are a raucous, rowdy bunch, roaring with alcohol. Elderly family members look over in disgust. Yup, that was us.

After a round or two of tequila shots, we crowded the bar for one more. We were all friends of the bride, so she joined us too. “How many should I get?” I asked.

A friend glanced around the group. “About seven, I think.”

I turned to the bartender and ordered seven tequila shots. As he handed me the shot glasses and I handed them over to my friends. However, there were only six of us. I was left with two shots in my hands.

That’s when I turned around and saw her. A cute smile and pretty freckles in an adorable black & white dress. And without a drink in her hands.

“Want to do a shot with us?” I asked her. I didn’t want the extra shot to go to waste. It was the polite thing to do. Plus, she was cute. “We’re doing a shot with the bride.”

“Sure,” she smiled and took the glass. I smiled back.

“To the bride!” someone shouted. We all raised our glasses and poured the burning tequila down our throats. Like liquid lava down our gullets, searing down our chests. I stifled a cough.

“Thanks,” she said as I took her empty glass.

“I’m Mike, by the way,” I told her.

“I’m Mia.”

I smiled. She smiled. And that’s how we first met.

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A Vegas Tradition

The elevators ding open to the beeps, bells, and chimes of the MGM casino floor. We hang a left, a right, another right, then trough through throngs of tourists.

Excitement tingles in our fingertips. We could throw lightning bolts from our hands, it’s so strong.

This is how it always is. It’s become our Vegas tradition.

Our first destination is the Zuri Bar. Dark shadows criss-crossed with crisp blue lights cast an unsettling web on the walls. Deep bass boom-boom-booms into our bodies. It’s a club atmosphere meant to psyche up even the most anxious player. To us, it just adds to the soundtrack of Vegas, followed by the singing of slots and cheering at craps.

Smoke waifs our senses. Occasional puffs pollute our noses. It’s a city of all sins, especially the self-destructive and peer-destructive ones. It’s a place where one goes to die a little each day, literally, morally, perhaps even spiritually. That’s okay though. As soon as you leave, those mutilations remain. What happens in Vegas, well, you know.

We crash into the couches and survey the scenery. Some of the guys see them as prey, with their loose wallets, polished ATM cards, and optimistic naivety. Me, I like to people-watch. I make up stories for each one.

For instance, that lady in the little black dress over there, sitting by herself? She’s having a clandestine rendezvous with a high roller she met at the Mirage. Being that she was staying at the Mirage with her husband, she had to arrange this meeting at the MGM.

Little does she know that her husband is also having his own secret rendezvous… with that high roller’s… brother! Gasp.

This is all a manifestation of my mind’s meanderings, of course. Take off its leash and it will run loose in all kinds of directions. The scotch whiskey doesn’t help either.

Oh, I didn’t tell you about the scotch whiskey? Macallan. 21-year, maybe 25-year if we’re feeling especially lucky. The 50-year? Well, one day. Like mellow velvet down your throat, the water back brings out hints of toffee and cloves. It takes off the edge for those who have such a distaste, and it accentuates the flavors for those who have such a taste.

Price: a Benjamin and change.

We savor our Macallans slowly. It is a rare delicacy that we appreciate in all its elegance. The sounds, the smells, the sights… every sense is tempted as much as it is offended. Just the way we like it.

The waitress serves as eye candy we devour hungrily. Short skirt, low top, and lots of skin. The uniform designers sure know how to rile up their audience. A comment here, a joke there, and she giggles. The fact that this act increases her tip notwithstanding, we smile and feel invincible. What better way to measure a guy’s manhood than by how many times he can get a hot chick to laugh?

Then the psychology begins. We torture each other with taunts and torments. We encourage each other with enthusiasm and applause. Break ourselves down and build ourselves up. Just like in the army. Our way of becoming Vegas Strong. Fuck yea.

Once we’ve been molded appropriately, we’re off to our next destination. The high-limit slots. We’re not talking your Grandma’s slots here. I’m sure she’s a lovely lady who once made that big win of three hundred dollars. Good for her.

I’m talking about a Benjamin a pull. Feed the beast a one-hundred dollar bill, then stroke its shaft. One pull each. Maybe two or three more if we’re feeling incomprehensibly indestructible. Fortune favors the fools on Friday, we fathom. It’s the beginning of the weekend, the perfect time to lure the lustful with luxuriousness.

The first victim pulls once. Hits one-thousand right away.

The second victim pulls once. Nothing. Twice. One-thousand and two hundred.

I pull once. Nothing. Twice. Nothing. Aw shit, why not? Thrice. One-thousand and six hundred. Thank you beast, for regurgitating such regal riches.

Price: a Benjamin. Reward: ten-fold or more.

Armed with confidence, indestructibility, and optimistic naivety, we approach the tables to start our attack. The rest of the trip is dictated not by tradition, but by the tides of fate. We enter it with the full knowledge of our odds. And that, my friend, is our Vegas tradition.

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The Inland Empire

When I first heard the acronym “IE” I thought it meant “Internet Explorer.” That’s because I am a web geek and IE in the web world means Internet Explorer.

Now I know better. The initials IE can stand for many things. A web browser that has frequently frustrated many a web developer. A Latin abbreviation for “id est,” which corresponds to “that is” and not “for example.” Or a hot, dry, wasteland of a Californian desert with the occasional pocket of life and delicious food.

I don’t mean to offend the residents of the IE. There are many great things about this area. Like any other region, it has its good elements and not-so-good elements.

E.g. (“for example”), there are some nice college towns out here, most notably UC Riverside and the lesser known University of Redlands. Both are surrounded by the usual campus niceties, such as vibrant coffee shops, cheap rental housing, and relatively safe neighborhoods. There’s also a bit of nightlife here, though I’m way too old for that crap now. Oh my aching bones.

There’s also a respectable teaching hospital here in the city of Loma Linda. With facilities spanning almost the entire city, if you get hurt in the area, you’re bound to run into a doctor who can help. The city also sports a population primarily of Seventh-day Adventists, further underscoring its relatively low crime rate.

Also known as the 909 (San Bernardino & Riverside’s area code), the IE was once the site of an up-and-coming boom. The dot-com period was a time of significant urban development, especially in cities like Rancho Cucamonga. Outdoor shopping malls, cookie-cutter apartment complexes, and post-modern office buildings were sprouting as fast as useless websites with no real business models. It was a good time to be in the IE back then, so I hear.

According to Jim Stewart’s book “The 909″, there are also artists and writers here. Perhaps a thriving art community as well, I’m not sure. I haven’t actually read the book; I’m just citing its synopsis from Amazon.

San Bernardino city is also the home of the very first McDonald’s restaurant. It was originally a barbecue restaurant set up by brothers Dick and Mac McDonald in 1940. They noted that their best sellers were hamburgers, so they retooled their restaurant and created their “Speedee Service System,” making them a fast food legend. Also, I just saw on the news that their French fries have the lowest number of calories amongst all fast food fries, including In and Out’s fries.

Pretty good stuff, huh? But what about the bad stuff, the not-so-good elements of the IE?

Going with the IE’s perhaps better known nickname, the 909, I found the following definitions on Urban Dictionary:

The area code in Southern California for Riverside and San Bernardino County; usually associated with white trash.

…A great place to live between Los Angeles and Las Vegas if you don’t mind the meth labs, cows, and dirt people.

The arm pit of southern california. or the meth lab capital of the world

My oh my.

And my observations? There are an awful lot of Ford pick-up trucks here with “No Fear” stickers. Every time we go hiking, we spot mud-covered motorbikes and ATVs. A fair number of trailer parks and undeveloped plots of land cover this region. Seeing a field full of overgrown weeds and perhaps an abandoned shack is a common sight. And I mean really common.

If you are a single female, you should avoid walking alone on the streets at night. All the empty fields make for extreme danger.

While there are a handful of tasty Japanese, Thai, and Chinese restaurants, you won’t find many other Asian foods here. One Thai place actually serves Chinese food, though it calls itself a Thai restaurant. I’m guessing the owners aren’t Thai.

Chain stores dominate the retail market. It is rare to find a unique boutique store here. I imagine all the Mom & Pop shops shut down years ago. In their place are all the usual culprits: Walmart, Kmart, Costco, Denny’s, McDonalds, Starbucks, etc.

Fortunately, I have yet to come into contact with a meth lab. But who knows, perhaps I drive by them all the time without knowing.

The dry heat is perhaps the most distinctive characteristic of the IE, or 909, or whatever you want to call it. Horrible for both the skin and the paint on your car, the weather follows typical desert patterns — crazy hot during the day, ice cold during the night.

And that, in a nutshell, is the IE: a desert devoid of much, except for a few pockets of really nice hope and niceties. Which, if you think about it, is kind of like Internet Explorer too.

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Ode to Commode

Here I sit,
broken-hearted.
Came to shit,
only farted.

Shouldn’t have had
that Taco Bell.
Now my butt
is burning hell.

Pushing with
a mighty clench.
Yet nothing drops
down the trench.

Sweat upon
my furrowed brow.
This room smells
like nasty cow.

Been a while;
my butt’s gone numb.
Would it help
to stick my thumb?

Teeth I grit,
my hands I wrench.
Emitting noise,
and quite a stench!

Time ticking,
I’m running late.
She’ll be pissed,
my waiting date.

Been feelin’ fine,
when it hit me – pow!
Oh all days,
why now, why now?

Here it comes,
just a dribble.
Not enough,
still too little.

Frustrated,
and full of gas.
Push push push,
still, no mass.

What to do,
But sit and wait?
Oh Taco Bell,
you I hate!

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The Pick-Up at the Drive-Thru

Setting:

I’m on the phone with my girlfriend. She is in her car at a fast food drive-thru. There is a car ahead of her in the line.

Girlfriend:

…and then I have to complete ten more reports before getting into work tomorrow and… um… hmm, that was weird. The person in front of me is waving at me. I wonder if I know that guy.

Me:

Really? Is he from work?

GF:

I don’t think so. I don’t recognize him. Oh well. So if I work tonight, maybe I can get most of it done. Then I can wake up early and…

Guy from Car in Front:

Hey! What, you’re too busy to say Hi?

GF:

Yelling to guy in car. Oh, um, Hi. Do I…

GFCIF:

Hi beautiful! You are so beautiful!

GF:

Oh, heh, thanks…

GFCIF:

Do you have a boyfriend?

GF:

Yea, I’m on the phone with him right now.

GFCIF:

Oh, okay. He’s a very lucky guy to have a beautiful girl like you. Tell him he’s a lucky guy.

GF:

Heh, okay. Talking to me again. Did you hear that honey? You’re a lucky guy. Hehe.

Me:

I know! I’m so lucky to have a beautiful girl like you!

GF:

Giggles. Oh my gosh, that was so weird.

Me:

Hehe. I’m not surprised. Beautiful girl like you, this must happen all the time.

GF:

No way. And I look like a total mess today too! I just got out of work! Why do these guys always try to pick me up when I’m at my worst?

Me:

Babe, you’re always beautiful. There’s never a time you’re not beautiful. See, that guy thinks so too!

GFCIF:

Mumbles something.

GF:

I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that.

GFCIF:

Can I give you a call or something?

GF:

No, no thank you.

Me:

Wow, that dude is persistent.

GF:

Yea, my gosh.

GFCIF:

Have a great night, beautiful!

GF:

Okay, thanks, you too.

Me:

That was classy.

GF:

Laughs. I know, right? Welcome to my neighborhood. Where a girl can get picked up at a fast-food drive-thru at night.

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How Would You Rate This Year?

“How would you rate this year for you?” my friend asked. “From a scale of one to five: one being the worst, five being the best.”

I scratched my chin and cleared my throat. Then I gave my answer.

“Five,” I replied.

He sat back in his seat. “Five? The best? Really?” He clutched his espresso and regarded me through the hot rising vapors.

I nodded. “I would give 2008 a five because this was a year of new starts and new challenges. Despite the poor economy and layoffs, there’s been a lot of new hope too. And I don’t just mean a new presidency. For me, personally, there’ve been a lot of positives.”

I picked up my mocha and took a sip. He echoed with a sip of espresso. For a brief moment, we savored our drinks and pondered the question. Then he put his cup down and waited for me to continue. I cleared my throat again.

“First of all, I started a new relationship. It wasn’t always easy, but it’s been going really well. I’m totally happy and excited about it. Heck, I kind of feel like the luckiest guy in the world to have met her. And it happened all because of chance. Or perhaps fate. That in itself could give 2008 a high score.”

He nodded. “True, you’ve been very lucky in the romance department.”

“Career-wise, starting a new business has been exciting as hell too. Frustrating as hell sometimes, but mostly exciting. I’ve made some mistakes, but they’re great lessons learned. I actually look forward to, and expect to make many mistakes. Each one is going to make us that much stronger, especially in this economy. While other people are scared off by such risks, we’re facing them head-on and still making a profit.”

“That’s fantastic! Not many people can do what you’re doing.”

“And don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I’m not struggling or scared at all. There are days when I wake up wondering if this is going to be sustainable in the long run. But that’s what I wanted to worry about when I quit my full-time job. I wanted the fear of having no steady paycheck to propel me forward. Having no cushion is a tremendous motivator for making immediate profits, let me tell you.”

He shook his head. “I’ll bet.”

“Investment-wise, not all of them have panned out. My portfolio has taken a dive, like most other people. But I still have a few hopeful investments out there. The market will swing back up again too. While there’s been lots of stress around my investments, overall, I’m pleased with my positions.”

“That’s very optimistic of you. A lot of people feel quite differently about that.”

I shrugged. “Yea, I know. Perhaps my rating for this year isn’t just due to the excitement of these new starts and challenges. It’s also due to my general outlook on life. I tend to be optimistic about a lot of things. For me, mistakes don’t get me down as much as others, because I see them as ways to strengthen myself. And where others see problems, I see opportunities. Ultimately, I think life is all about what you make of it. You can choose to be pessimistic about it, or optimistic about it. You can choose to be pushed around and react to the world, or push back and shape the world.” I stared at my mocha. “I’m beginning to sound full of myself, aren’t I?”

He smiled. “I think your view is refreshing. It’s a very hopeful view. In these dark days, it’s nice to see something with some light in their eyes.”

I quietly took a slow sip, savoring the sweet mocha on my tongue. “I’m not saying it’s easy to always stay positive. But once I push my mind into that direction, it’s really easy to continue with that attitude. It’s like a muscle; the more I think this way, the easier it is to see all the possibilities out there. The more I work it, the stronger it becomes. Hmmm, I’m not sure if that analogy totally works.”

He took another sip, then held his cup and paused for a moment. “You know what you should do? You should write about this.”

I smirked. “How do you know I wasn’t already going to?”

He chuckled. “You saw an opportunity for a story and you went for it. Very opportunistic of you.”

We laughed and savored the last few drops of our drinks. Then we put our cups down for a reflective moment. I cleared my throat. “So how would you rate this year?”

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What Would You Do If the World Was Full of Zombies?

I think we can all agree that sometimes, it’s important to prepare for the worst. Part of any good preparation plan includes scenario building. From those various scenarios can come any number of solutions.

So it was with this judicious safety research in mind that my cousins and I embarked on the critical scenario building of what we’d do if the world was full of zombies. Such are the in-depth discussions that brew out of a belly full of Thanksgiving turkey.

Assumptions

First, we needed to lay out some assumptions. What kind of zombies are these? Slow, lumbering Night of the Living Dead zombies? Or fast, vicious 28 Days Later zombies?

We determined they were the latter kind. The most frightening kind. You can’t survive by just outrunning them, because they can run as fast as you can.

Second, how intelligent are they? We decided they’re not dumb, mindless creatures. They’re semi-intelligent, like the vampires of I Am Legend. They’re not about to drive cars and develop websites, but they can learn at the pace of a young child.

Next, are the zombies after you, or just walking around, minding their own business? We said they’d be coming after you specifically. They can smell your blood and are hungry for it. So you’re constantly on the run.

Finally, we were the only ones still alive. Everyone else was a fast, vicious, semi-intelligent zombie coming after you. Who said life was easy, right? However, we could use whatever we found, such as cars, supplies within grocery stores, and guns from weapon stores.

With those set of scenario assumptions, we played out various solutions.

Scenario One: 28 Days Later Penthouse Solution

We could hole up in the penthouse of a skyscraper, just like the father and daughter team from 28 Days Later. However, as we thought through the logistics, lots of problems emerged. There wouldn’t be enough power to last forever. That’s a major problem, especially since power is needed to run a refrigerator and possibly heat.

Being in a skyscraper means we’re well above the nasty zombie-infested world. But the semi-intelligent zombies would eventually climb up the stairs and hammer down our door. Being holed up anywhere meant they’d eventually break in – especially a simple penthouse room.

Food and water would be another huge problem. Even by raiding a supermarket for all the canned goods we could carry wouldn’t be enough. It would run out over time. Water especially. Also, what if the zombies happened to tamper with the power and water lines? They may not be intelligent enough to break them on purpose, but certainly could do it on accident.

The 28 Days Later penthouse solution would definitely not work.

Scenario Two: I Am Legend Offense Solution

We could hole up in a townhouse in the city, just like the hero of I Am Legend. We’d arm ourselves with weapons of all sorts, a trusty dog, and actively go hunting the zombies. The best defense is a strong offense, right?

The power, food and water problems of Scenario One are similar in this one. Not to mention the overwhelming number of zombies determined to eat our brains. All the guns in the world wouldn’t be enough to hold off millions of fast, vicious zombies. We’d either run out of bullets or get tired of swinging our axes. Plus, we need sleep and zombies don’t.

The I Am Legend offense solution would definitely not work.

Scenario Three: Lost Island Solution

Let’s get away from hiding in a building of some kind. How about we hole up on a deserted island somewhere? Sort of like Lost, except without the black smoke monster, genetic experiments, and civil war between shadowy scientists and enigmatic natives?

We’d choose an island where we could be self-sufficient: abundant food sources, fresh water, and materials for shelter. Without a way for the semi-intelligent zombies to get to us, we’d be safe indefinitely. Sure, we’d be living like cavemen again, but at least we could survive.

Sounds like a winner! There aren’t many ways to foil this solution.

Well, there’s very one small chance of failure. What if a ship full of zombies happened to crash onto the island? Sure, that would assume that a bunch of zombies wandered onto a ship and happened to kick it into motion and happened to aim it at our island. It’s a miniscule chance, but it’s still a chance.

It’s a chance we’d take though. The key seems to be removing ourselves from any large land mass full of zombies. If the zombies can get to us by feet, then we’re dead. But if we were someplace they couldn’t get to, then we’d have a good chance of survival.

After this intense discussion, we moved on to other vital matters, such as vampires and werewolves. It’s important to prepare for the worst. And what better way than to do so with a belly full of Thanksgiving turkey? I hope Janet Napolitano is taking notes.

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Ten Fun Things to Do on Thanksgiving

Oh boy, Thanksgiving is coming soon! That means family and food and fun!

What kind of fun? How about this kind of fun:

1. Cook the turkey and “dress it up” using other foods. Shape the mashed potatoes in a face with carrots for the eyes. Put this at the top of the turkey. Shape the stuffing into boots and put them on the legs of the turkey. You can get even more creative with celery sticks, corn, and other side dishes.

2. Choose a magic word for the day. Every time someone says that word, you and whoever else knows the word has to take a swig of alcohol. If you’re not around any alcohol, you have to get to some as soon as you can – and you can’t talk until you do. Just nod and smile if others are trying to speak to you.

3. Buy a bag of fortune cookies and take the fortunes out. After you remove your guests’ coats, slip a fortune into their pockets, one per coat. This only works if the weather is cool enough to warrant coats, of course.

4. If you have a Roomba robotic vacuum cleaner (or some other kind of mobile home robot), attach a cardboard box on top of it. Have the robot cruise around your house with a tray of hors d’oeuvres on the box. Hopefully the box is tall enough and the robot steady enough. You may need to serve relatively stable hors d’oeuvres that won’t roll around or fall over easily, such as crackers with cheese.

5. If you have a dog, feed it food to make it gassy. This could include beans, cauliflower, and broccoli. A dog that eats too fast can also get gassy. Try to time it so it doesn’t coincide with dinner. Perhaps when your guests first arrive. Or perhaps after dinner, while everyone is sitting around and talking. Unless you want it to happen during dinner. It’s your call.

6. Every time somebody says something, add the words, “in bed” after it. Chuckle to yourself if the phrase is especially good. Don’t tell anyone why you’re laughing though; keep this little secret to yourself.

7. Create a table-top turkey centerpiece. Rig it so if someone touches it, something pops up like a Jack-in-the-Box or a Snakes-in-a-Can. Don’t do this if you have elderly relatives with weak hearts, however. Make sure it doesn’t explode or get too messy either, especially all over the food.

8. Use lots of subtle sexual innuendo. Be nonchalant, but stare at the person after you say it, to see if they get it. Use phrases like: “That’s a huge breast”, “Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist,” “If I don’t undo my pants, I’ll burst,” “That’s one terrific spread,” “I’m in the mood for some dark meat,” “It’s a little dry, do you still want to eat it,” “Don’t play with your meat,” “Just spread the legs open and I’ll stuff it in,” “I didn’t expect everyone to come all at once,” “You still have a little bit on your chin,” “You’ll know it’s ready when it pops up,” and “That’s the biggest one I’ve ever seen!”

9. If you really want your guests to leave early, set all the clocks one hour ahead. This only works if no one watches TV, however. Many will have watches and mobile phones with the correct time, but they may not double-check and just trust the clock on the wall. If they do look at their watches, just shrug and tell them their watch must have died.

10. Every time a relative squeezes your cheeks, squeeze their cheeks back.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

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How to Get Rid of Lactose Intolerance

I, like many Asian Americans I know, turned lactose intolerant a few years ago. Right around the age of 30. And it totally sucked ass.

No more Cold Stones and Ben & Jerrys. Goodbye Pizookies. Hello estrogen-laden soy milk. (Reduced sex drive what??)

To be fair, this isn’t a case just for Asian Americans. A lot of people are lactose intolerant. It affects all ethnicities and cultures. The commonly cited number is 70-75% of the world’s population. That’s a heck of a lot of people!

In fact, it’s perfectly natural to be lactose intolerant. Lactase, the enzyme that breaks down lactose in our small intense, is gradually reduced as we get older. This reduction begins right after weaning and is practically all gone by adulthood. Bummer.

So if this is natural, why would I want to be able to drink milk? I’ll give you three reasons: Cold Stones, Ben & Jerrys, and Pizookies. I have a thing for sweets, what can I say?

My path to lactose intolerance reduction began innocently. One day, a friend casually mentioned to me that yogurt contains live bacteria that aids in lactose digestion. Hmm, I thought. So I did some research and found that:

Yogurt contains probiotics – microbial organisms that are naturally present in our digestive tracts. They are known as “friendly” bacteria. And more specifically, yogurt contains a particular kind of probiotics called acidophilus. If you want to get even more specific, it’s Lactobacillus acidophilus.

When yogurt is consumed, bile acids disrupt the cell wall of the bacteria in yogurt. This releases the enzyme beta-galactosidase (related to lactase) into the intestines, where it can enhance lactose digestion.

Not any yogurt will do, however. It must contain live active bacteria. Fortunately, yogurt labels clearly list whether or not they have live active bacteria – which sounds gross, I know, but it’s really a good thing. Remember, they are “friendly” bacteria!

With that in mind, I decided to try a very unscientific experiment:

1. Eat yogurt every day for 2-3 weeks
2. Drink a glass of milk at the end of each week

The results?

Week 1

Lactose intolerance still there. And how. I admit, I didn’t drink a full glass of milk. But the effects were the same. I shall spare you the details.

Week 2

Lactose intolerance is going away. Still a bit of its consequences, but a full glass of milk doesn’t have the, uh, intense adverse effects it once did. Experiment is working!

Week 3

Lactose intolerance… gone! Holy crap! (Or lack thereof.) Hello ice cream, goodbye soy milk! This is a glorious milestone, simply glorious.

I’ve been drinking milk semi-regularly since then, with no problems at all. Well, perhaps I’ve been a might bit gassy, but hopefully that will go away in a few more weeks. My friends all sure hope so. Fut.

I can hardly say this experiment is reliable or conclusive. What worked for me may not work for you – just like acidophilus works for some, but not others. If you want to try this, consult your doctor or nutritionist first. After all, maybe humans are lactose intolerant for a reason. (And if you are allergic to milk, that’s a very different condition.)

Now pardon me while I enjoy this cup o’ Cold Stone ice cream. Mmmm!

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