Category: Flirting
Hey, hey, it ain’t just us guys who are apt to say the wrong thing. Foot-in-Mouth has no gender bias. You ladies are just as guilty of saying the wrong thing on a first date as we are. Such as:
- “Have I told you about my cats?”
- “Hello, my biological clock is ticking…”
- “So I was thinking, after dinner, why don’t we stop by Tiffany’s?”
- “What kind of car do you drive?”
- “Did you just look at that girl over there? I saw you looking. Don’t lie, I know you were looking.”
- “Do I look fat in this dress?”
- “I have a boyfriend.”
- “My ex is a crazy psycho stalker.”
- “Sorry, I’m into Edward. You’re more of a Jacob.”
- “I think I love you.”
What else should a girl not say on a first date?
We’ve all suffered from bouts of Foot-in-Mouth disease. Some more than others. So it’s always good to review Do and Not-Do lists to minimize such relapses. Here is one such list for guys.
- “Oh my God you’re so hot. You look just like my mother.”
- “How many languages can you speak? I can speak English, Spanish, Elvish, Klingon, Vampirese, Huttese, and Qwghlmian.”
- “So. Do you like anal?”
- “Are you really going to wear that for the entire date?”
- “I think the woman’s place is in the kitchen, don’t you?”
- “Hi, have you met my friend Bert? You don’t see him? He’s sitting right here, next to me. Say ‘Hi’ Bert.”
- “Wow, you could sure stand to lose a few pounds.”
- “Before we go any further, you must answer this question correctly: The probability of a car passing a certain intersection in a 20-minute windows is 0.9. What is the probability of a car passing the intersection in a 5-minute window, assuming a constant probability throughout?”
- “Damn, I forgot my gonorrhea cream back home. Do you have any?”
- “So how the fuck are ya?”
What else should a guy not say on a first date?
Categories:
Adulthood,
Best Of,
Breaking Up,
College,
Dating,
Flirting,
Getting Older,
Girls,
Guys,
Psychology,
TheoriesBeing a self-admitted geek, I’ve known many other geeks in my life. I’ve seen some grow up and become successes. And I’ve seen some grow up and become, for lack of a better word, players. Dangerous players.
Not players in the sense of metrosexual predators or greased-up Jersey Shore rejects. These guys are more clandestine. Girls don’t suspect they’re in the clutches of such a geek-turned-player until, well, sometimes never.
First, some background.
A geek-turned-player (GTP) grows up as an unpopular teen. He is the typical nerd, dork, dweeb, pick your favorite insult. In a phase where fitting in is so crucial, they stick out like a limb with gangrene. Though many make it through as strong, self-confident adults, this can foment into a deep psychosis for a few.
This bitterness can evolve in many ways. Some embody the taunts and turn them into strengths, such the skinny nerd who grows up to be a muscle-bound guy. Others harbor the acrimony until the acids melt away their relationships. Some do both.
A GTP is the latter; he does both. He also turns rejections from girls into a dictum of life: he wants to be a guy who can “get” all the girls who’ve rejected him. As you can imagine, a layer of misogyny pervades their actions. They want to get those girls, or girls in general, and hurt them.
Ironically, they overtly state a hatred of players, the guys who can go to any bar or club and get a phone number as easily as a mosquito can feed in a nudist colony. GTPs see themselves as the antithesis of the traditional player.
“I would never have a one-night stand,” they declare. “I will always honor and respect women.” Therein lies the danger of a GTP. Not only are they shattering hearts like a player, but they are unaware of it.
How do they get from geeks to heart-shattering GTPs?
After college, they tend to do well in their careers. They become white-collar workers and executives in well-paying jobs. They date a few girlfriends along the way who imbue them with some fashion sense. They may even start exercising and getting fit. To look at them now, you would never know they were scrawny four-eyed nerds in high school. Now, they look like intelligent, respectful, well-paid knights in shining armor.
At this age, these traits start to attract women in numbers not before experienced by these geeks. Where girls once ignored them, women are now being drawn to them like ants to molasses. And here they sit, happy as anteaters.
Much of this happens to average geeks, regardless of their proclivities. All sorts of sociological and biological factors play into this phenomenon. Single women in their twenties or thirties tend to seek men who are stable, financially, emotionally, etc., even if they didn’t seek those factors when they were younger.
That’s how I’ve lucked out, at least. Go sociological & biological factors!
The GTP differs from the average geek in his behaviors after meeting a girl. The GTP, flush with the exhilaration of meeting a girl, starts to behave like a traditional player. Despite his proclaimed position on one-night stands, his qualms melt away in the heat of passion.
Then he does it again. And again. And again. He starts to realize his sexual prowess and magnetism and begins to flaunt it openly, oftentimes to the chagrin of his peers. He believes himself to be God’s Gift to Women: he has all the qualities of a traditional player, along with money, status, and success. What girl wouldn’t want him?
However, he still puts on a veneer of respect. His misogynic beliefs are well-hidden. Women see him as a nice guy, even months or years after he has broken their hearts.
For the unfortunate, this heartbreak is infinitely worse than being with a player, because of the emotional connection made. Indeed, the GTP’s armament includes psychological weapons such as long, deep conversations, the kind that make women think about marriage and children.
Breaking up with a deadbeat player is one thing, breaking up with a potential husband and father of your children is another.
Deep inside, the GTP doesn’t see himself as a player, however. He still harbors a resentment of players and sees his actions as innocent. This belief reinforces the effectiveness of his weapons. Those long, deep conversations, as they are happening, are earnest and from the heart.
So what changes the morning after? Something subconscious. A switch flips. The emotional connection from last night fades as the excitement of new prey emerges. As soon as another woman starts up a conversation, the previous one is forgotten.
For the goal isn’t to meet a woman and start a wonderful relationship. The goal is to meet women. And to see if he can “get” them. The exhilaration of each new encounter has become a drug.
This is something the GTP never experienced as a teen. He never got the intoxication of fleeting puppy love out of his system like others his age. While most of us are moving on in stable relationships, he is stuck. He is a late bloomer who is addicted to the high of new women.
I haven’t seen much written about this phenomenon before. I suspect it is, thankfully, rare. However, I’ve seen it enough times to discern to articulate this theory.
The popularization of geek culture may be partly responsible for the rise of the geek-turned-player. Or maybe it has always been around and I’ve only begun to notice it.
Whatever the case, the GTP is a dangerous animal on the dating scene. I’ve seen female friends unknowingly wrecked from them. I’ve seen colleagues & acquaintances evolve into GTPs themselves. The result is always disastrous, especially for the women they’ve left in their wake.
Beware the geek-turned-player.
Hey guys, are you stressin’ about being romantic? Can’t think of how? Don’t want to follow the typical tactics espoused by Halmark and Hollywood? Or just questioning the whole concept?
Here is a definition of romance that may help lend perspective:
Romance is an act of intimate affection committed unexpectedly towards your love interest and without desire for personal gain.
Let’s take that statement apart to decipher its meaning. Romance is…
- an act
- Actions speak louder than words. Perhaps you can talk like Cassanova, but if you only talk about your feelings and never demonstrate it through a physical act, than your feelings are just a bunch of hot air.
- of intimate
- Though this term can carry a lot of baggage, the semantic usage I prescribe here is of an understanding of your love interest. Do you know something about that person that no one else knows? Do you know something personal and meaningful to that person? Hopefully you do if you have been listening and paying attention. The heart of a romantic act is showing that you are so interested in this person that you remember details of his/her life and interests.
- affection
- Your romantic act ought to be one of adoration, fondness, even passion. It should be a display of your feelings towards your love interest and make him/her feel good. Bringing up that person’s history of weight problems, however personal and intimate, is not an act of affection, for instance.
- committed unexpectedly
- This act should to carry some measure of surprise. Certain holidays and landmarks, like Valentine’s Day, birthdays, anniversaries, etc, are loaded with expectation, of course. But romance does not need to exist only on those days. Small random acts of kindness can sometimes be more romantic than flowers and chocolate on Valentine’s Day.
- towards your love interest
- This should be the person with whom you have a genuine attractiveness and desire to know better, of course. Duh.
- and without desire for personal gain
- Some may argue that guys in particular only commit romantic acts for a physical return on investment, so to speak. True romance does not ask for anything in return, however. It is done selflessly and for the benefit of the love interest. Perhaps the only selfish gain is to see a smile on the other person’s face.
There are countless definitions of romance. I’m sure you have a way to express romance that is just as effective and beautiful. This is just mine.
How would you define romance?
We met at a wedding. I know. It’s a cliché to meet someone at a wedding. Some even crash weddings to pick up those someones.
Not us though. Meeting a guy was, at best, on the periphery of her radar, if it was even on the screen. The bride told me there would be hardly any single girls there. So I turned my focus to enjoying Hawaii since it was my first time there.
My table at the wedding reception was the loud, drunk table. You know that table. Every wedding has one. Its guests are a raucous, rowdy bunch, roaring with alcohol. Elderly family members look over in disgust. Yup, that was us.
After a round or two of tequila shots, we crowded the bar for one more. We were all friends of the bride, so she joined us too. “How many should I get?” I asked.
A friend glanced around the group. “About seven, I think.”
I turned to the bartender and ordered seven tequila shots. As he handed me the shot glasses and I handed them over to my friends. However, there were only six of us. I was left with two shots in my hands.
That’s when I turned around and saw her. A cute smile and pretty freckles in an adorable black & white dress. And without a drink in her hands.
“Want to do a shot with us?” I asked her. I didn’t want the extra shot to go to waste. It was the polite thing to do. Plus, she was cute. “We’re doing a shot with the bride.”
“Sure,” she smiled and took the glass. I smiled back.
“To the bride!” someone shouted. We all raised our glasses and poured the burning tequila down our throats. Like liquid lava down our gullets, searing down our chests. I stifled a cough.
“Thanks,” she said as I took her empty glass.
“I’m Mike, by the way,” I told her.
“I’m Mia.”
I smiled. She smiled. And that’s how we first met.
Have you committed a text faux pas recently? Texting, the short-hand for “text messaging via a mobile device,” is such a common communication method now that a whole new set of manners and etiquette has arisen.
How many of these do you break regularly?
- Keep your phone on vibrate or silent mode. No one wants to hear your phone beep every time you receive a new text.
- Keep your text messages concise. Brevity is key. For long messages, use email or — how novel — a phone call.
- Do not write a text message to someone while talking to someone else face-to-face. Give the person in front of you your immediate attention. The text message can wait.
- Do not get upset if you don’t get an immediate reply. The recipient might be busy (see above) or unaware of the new text message.
- Be aware that misinterpretations can and will happen. It is difficult to discern emotional nuances from short text messages.
- Be judicious with your shorthand. Some people may not be aware of the shorthand you are using.
- Be aware of basic grammar rules. Just because text messages encourage shorthand notation is no reason to show your recipient that you have the grammar skills of a two year-old.
- DO NOT WRITE A TEXT MESSAGE IN ALL CAPS. A pox on you and your firstborn if you do.
- If you know your friend is on a wireless plan that charges per text message, don’t bombard the friend with messages.
- Do not write a text message while driving. Not only is this illegal in some states, but doing so renders your awareness to the level of a drunk driver.
- If you are writing a text message while walking, watch where you are going. Make sure you don’t walk into someone, a tree, or traffic.
- Text messages can be used to politely remind or notify someone who you know is unable to answer the phone. “Can you call me when you’re out of your meeting?” is perfectly acceptable.
- Be aware of who you are writing the text message to, as informal messages full of slang are more appropriate for your friends than your superiors at work.
- Be aware of your recipient’s schedule. Just as you wouldn’t call someone at 2AM, don’t text message that person either.
- Do not write a text message while on a date. That signals to the date that you are bored and uninterested — unless you want to convey that, of course.
- Guys: if a girl gives you her phone number, do not respond with only text messages. Dial her number, open your mouth, and talk to her. You will impress her much more this way.
- Do not send a text message while intoxicated. Drunk texting is as bad as drunk calling. Bad bad bad.
- Do not harass someone with text messages. They can be traced, so it isn’t just rude, it’s also stupid.
- Do not use a text message for something formal and serious, like a wedding invitation or ending a relationship. It’s just tacky and lame.
- Double-check the recipient before sending your text message. Make sure you are not sending a love note to your boss. Unless your boss is your sweetie-pie.
- Do not write a text message while in an interview, unless you don’t want that job.
- Do not send a spam-like chain text message, unless you are a total jerk. People who pay per text message will especially abhor you for this.
- Do not text while watching a movie in a movie theater. The light from your mobile device can be distracting to other viewers. A hundred years of bad acne on you if you do.
- Setting:
- I’m on the phone with my girlfriend. She is in her car at a fast food drive-thru. There is a car ahead of her in the line.
- Girlfriend:
- …and then I have to complete ten more reports before getting into work tomorrow and… um… hmm, that was weird. The person in front of me is waving at me. I wonder if I know that guy.
- Me:
- Really? Is he from work?
- GF:
- I don’t think so. I don’t recognize him. Oh well. So if I work tonight, maybe I can get most of it done. Then I can wake up early and…
- Guy from Car in Front:
- Hey! What, you’re too busy to say Hi?
- GF:
- Yelling to guy in car. Oh, um, Hi. Do I…
- GFCIF:
- Hi beautiful! You are so beautiful!
- GF:
- Oh, heh, thanks…
- GFCIF:
- Do you have a boyfriend?
- GF:
- Yea, I’m on the phone with him right now.
- GFCIF:
- Oh, okay. He’s a very lucky guy to have a beautiful girl like you. Tell him he’s a lucky guy.
- GF:
- Heh, okay. Talking to me again. Did you hear that honey? You’re a lucky guy. Hehe.
- Me:
- I know! I’m so lucky to have a beautiful girl like you!
- GF:
- Giggles. Oh my gosh, that was so weird.
- Me:
- Hehe. I’m not surprised. Beautiful girl like you, this must happen all the time.
- GF:
- No way. And I look like a total mess today too! I just got out of work! Why do these guys always try to pick me up when I’m at my worst?
- Me:
- Babe, you’re always beautiful. There’s never a time you’re not beautiful. See, that guy thinks so too!
- GFCIF:
- Mumbles something.
- GF:
- I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that.
- GFCIF:
- Can I give you a call or something?
- GF:
- No, no thank you.
- Me:
- Wow, that dude is persistent.
- GF:
- Yea, my gosh.
- GFCIF:
- Have a great night, beautiful!
- GF:
- Okay, thanks, you too.
- Me:
- That was classy.
- GF:
- Laughs. I know, right? Welcome to my neighborhood. Where a girl can get picked up at a fast-food drive-thru at night.
Whenever people read about the science of love, it usually leads to one of two conclusions:
- If love is just a series of chemicals, how can I control it? Is love out of my control?
- If love is just a series of chemicals, can injections change how I feel? Can I make someone fall in love with me?
Great questions. So what do the scientists, who’ve explained away love, think?
Is Love Out of My Control?
Fortunately, the answer is: No.
You have more control over your feelings than you think. In the book Social Intelligence by Daniel Goleman, Ph.D., he abstracts the brain’s interpretation of the senses into two routes, a “low road” and a “high road.”
The low road is lightning fast and operates beneath our awareness, such as instincts, gut feelings, and primal drives. The high road, in contrast, is slower and runs through neural systems that analyze, rationalize, and make meaning of the world around us. In reality, the brain is much more complex than this, but for our purposes, this abstraction will work.
The stew of chemicals, hormones, and neurotransmitters that twirl in the science of love operate on the low road. They drive your primal urges. Fortunately, we all have a conscience (well, most of us anyways) that can steer the stew if necessary. That’s where second-guessing comes is; every time you’ve changed your mind about a gut feeling, you’re experiencing the high road countering the low road.
But it’s still not possible to make yourself or someone else fall in love, right?
Well, yes and no. If the propensity is there, then it is possible to amplify the feelings. If there is a cavern of chemistry between you and the other person, then not even Cupid’s arrows can help you.
How can the feelings of love be amplified? By non-verbal physical communication, such as your smile, your eyes, and your overall body language.
Your Smile
Smile. Right now, while you’re sitting there, smile.
If I had a portable MRI strapped to your noggin, I would have seen your pleasure centers light up. The very act of smiling can actually make you happier.
If another person smiles at you, they can trigger the same chemical reactions. That’s why being around positive people can make you happier (and negative people can make you gloomier). Known as “emotional contagion,” emotions have been found to be contagious and can be transmitted like airborne diseases.
Your Eyes
Look into my eyes. Look deep, for they are windows to my soul.
New York psychologist and professor Arthur Arun, Ph.D. discovered that the simple act of staring into each other’s eyes can spark strong feelings of attraction. In an experiment, he asked two complete strangers to reveal intimate details about their lives for more than an hour. Then he asked them to stare into each other’s eyes silently for four whole minutes. Like a staring contest, sort of. Sounds awkward, huh?
After the experiment, many of the participants confessed to feelings of deep attraction to their partners. Two of his subjects even started to date and eventually got married!
Overall Body Language
How important is a first impression? Not to put any pressure on you, but it can make or break your ability to score a date.
The low road of your brain takes anywhere between ninety seconds to four minutes to decide if there is a chemical attraction. And the deciding factors are more than the strength of your pick-up lines too. The deciding factors are:
- 55% through body language
- 38% through the ton and speed of your voice
- 7% through what you say
This means the way you carry yourself, the way you sit, the way you walk, the way you slouch, the way you stand up straight… All of those things factor in to the initial spark of attraction. Of course, the high road can come in and override many of these factors later, but this is what makes “lust” at first sight.
Can I Make Someone Fall in Love with Me?
Fortunately, the answer is: No.
Within the body, love can be interpreted as a series of chemical reactions. But then again, so can walking, eating, laughing, and pooping.
Humor, for instance, can be explained by chemicals. Does that mean we can make a joke funnier with injections? Well, maybe with laughing gas, or alcohol, or itching powder… but otherwise, no.
Along the high road of the brain, many other factors also play a part in falling in love. Culture, society, beliefs, values, even past experiences play a part. Who we’ve dated in the past shapes who we’ll date in the future. Some people are also more apt to listen to the high road than the low road.
This doesn’t stop corporations from trying, however. The perfume industry has been trying for years to manufacture love in a bottle. They dissect and analyze pheromones with ferocity. If there’s a way to make someone fall in love with a scent, they’ll find it.
Some scientists have also been looking for love potions, not just to fall in love, but to fall out of love. Why?
In her research, anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher found that the three stages of love (lust, attraction, and attachment) are not mutually-exclusive; they can all happen simultaneously. That means Jim the office perv could be lusting after your ass, be falling in love with that new girl in marketing, and be married with kids. Sadly, as Fisher says, “We were not built to be happy but to reproduce.”
So can chemicals “cure” this kind of behavior? The drop of serotonin levels during the attraction phase closely mirrors OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder), anxiety, and depression. Since serotonin-increasing drugs such as Prozac are used to deal with OCD, anxiety, and depression, it’s not a stretch to wonder if Prozac can be applied to kick someone out of the attraction phase too.
To that end, early tests have shown that yes, drugs like Prozac may numb romantic feelings in some people—if the feelings aren’t very strong yet. But once the feelings take root, they are very difficult to uproot. These findings are very inconclusive, scientists are quick to warn, and the brain is still full of mysteries.
Just like love is still a mystery.
Scientists have sought to explain it, to pick and probe at it, and to even recreate or destroy it. But so far, all they’ve gotten is a series of chemicals. What they’ve discovered is great information, but it shouldn’t be used as a guide for explaining your feelings.
While a geek like me is fascinated by these biological details, at the end of the day, I think it’s best to let poets and lyricists explain love.
I love your lips when they’re red with wine
And red with a wild desire;
I love your eyes when the lovelight lies
Lit with a passionate fire.
I love your arms when the strands enmesh
Your kisses against my face.
Not for me the cold, calm kiss
Of a virgin’s bloodless love;
Not for me the saint’s white bliss,
Nor the heart of a spotless dove.
But give me the love that so freely gives
And laughs at the whole world’s blame,
With your body so young and warm in my arms,
It set my poor heart aflame.
So kiss me sweet with your warm wet mouth,
Still fragrant with ruby wine,
And say with a fervor born of the South
That your body and soul are mine.
Clasp me close in your warm young arms,
While the pale stars shine above,
And we’ll live our whole young lives away
In the joys of a living love.
- Ella Wheeler Wilcox
This is a two-part essay:
- The Science of Love: Chemicals and Romance
- The Science of Love: Controlling Love
Love is difficult to describe. Poets and lyricists have tried doing so for eons. And they’re still at it.
But how would a scientist describe love? It probably wouldn’t be as romantic as a poet’s or lyricist’s description. I fancy it would be something like this:
Love is a chemical attraction between two people, influenced by environmental and cultural factors, for the purposes of finding a suitable mate to further one’s family line.
Simple as that.
Helen Fisher, an anthropologist at Rutgers University and one of the most well-known researchers in the science of love, would go a bit further and define it in three sequential phases:
- Lust
- Attraction
- Attachment
At each stage, there are identifiable patterns within a person’s brain, hormonal balances, and neurotransmitters. Thus, love can be scientifically identified by examining the chemicals in your brain.
1. Lust
Chemically, the first reaction to another person is lust. This phase is driven by the sex hormones testosterone and estrogen, both of which occur in men & women and enhance a person’s libido & carnal yearnings. These lead to a heightened sense of basic sexual drivers such as appearance and pheromones.
Appearance
No one wants to admit they’re superficial, though we all care about our partner’s looks to a certain extent. Through extensive research, evolutionary psychologist Devendra Singh of the University of Texas discovered that, on average, men tend to prefer women with a waist-to-hip ratio of 0.7. This applies to any weight category, culture, or ethnicity.
Psychology professor Robert Kurzban of the University of Pennsylvania also added a person’s BMI (body mass index) and facial symmetry as factors in general attractiveness. Men typically look for BMI and facial features that hint at fertility, health, and youthfulness. Women typically look for BMI features that hint at virility, strength, health, and ability to provide (meaning social status indicators like salary and education).
Overall, men tend to favor visual stimulation while women tend to favor men with high social status. This helps to explain why the porn industry caters largely to men and why “gold diggers” are generally women.
All of this happens unconsciously, of course, within systems as primal as thirst and hunger. But you can see the evolutionary foundations for such factors. We’re seeking out a mate that is capable of producing healthy offspring. How romantic.
Also gives new meaning to “love at first sight,” huh?
Pheromones
Smell and pheromones have just as much of an impact too. Professor Claus Wedekind of the University of Bern in Switzerland found that women are consistently drawn to the smell of men whose immune systems are different from their own. The more different the immune system, the wider the range of immunities their offspring would have. This is known as disassortative sexual selection.
Then Dr. Martha McClintock of the University of Chicago made a related discovery. Her studies suggest that women are drawn to a man whose smell is most similar to her father. Electra complex, anyone?
These two smell preferences are not in conflict. A man with an immune system close to her father’s would indicate a proven immune system (after all, it worked for Dad) while being different enough to provide complementary immunities. Both work hand-in-hand. (Or rather, nose-to-nose?)
The perfume industry is keenly aware of this; they routinely use pheromones to perfect their aromatic concoctions. It’s like a match made in a perfume bottle.
Unfortunately, the phrase “love at first smell” isn’t as catchy, is it?
2. Attraction
When most people talk about love, they’re referring to this stage. This phase is driven by a suite of neurotransmitters called monoamines: norepinephrine, dopamine, and serotonin. They are responsible for those puppy-dog feelings. In fact, they’re like a drug cocktail of lovey dovey motions and emotions.
Norepinephrine
This chemical influences the attention and reaction centers of the brain. In drastic situations, like being in love, it works alongside ephinephrine (the scientific name for adrenaline) to trigger the fight-or-flight response. No, this doesn’t mean you’ll run from your date or throw a punch. It means you’ll feel an increased heart rate, blood flow, and energy levels. Also, your palms will get sweaty. Dawww.
Dopamine
This chemical triggers an intense rush of pleasure (aw yea), increased energy, focused attention, and decreased need for sleep or food. It also stimulates the reward center of the brain, reinforcing the need to continue seeing your love interest. Cocaine and nicotine trigger many of these feelings too, coincidentally, except it reinforces your need to continue using the drug—hence, addictions. Thus, if you were to look at the brain of a person in love, it would look just like an addict high on drugs. (I’m high on you, baby!)
Serotonin
This chemical inhibits aggression, appetite, sleep, mood, and most importantly for this situation, sexuality. So you’ll be glad to hear that serotonin levels are dropped during this phase. What you may not be glad to hear is that low levels of serotonin are most closely associated with OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder), though they can also indicate depression or anxiety. Serial killers also have low levels of serotonin (though being attracted to someone isn’t going to make you a serial killer, I’m pretty sure). This explains why we’re all a little nuts when we’re in love; we’re literally and chemically obsessing over our partner.
Physiology
Ph.D. student Andreas Bartels and his adviser Semir Zeki of the Imperial College of London used an fMRI (functional magnetic resonance imaging) scanner to scan brains in love. They discovered that the portions of the brain related reward and pleasure activate while portions related to moral judgment deactivate. A drop in moral judgment? This is apparently why people say that “love is blind”. If you’re in love, it doesn’t matter what kind of scumbag your partner is; you’re in love, and that’s that.
3. Attachment
Long-term relationships and marriages wouldn’t work without this stage. This phase is driven by the important hormones oxytocin and vasopressin. Whether you like it or not, our bodies physically deemphasize lust and attraction sooner or later. That’s where these last two hormones come into play; they foster long-standing relationships and bonds that keep couples together as they have children and form families.
Oxytocin
This hormone is released during a wide range of relationship-building activities such as hugging, touching, orgasm, and child birth. Once released, the body experiences heightened sexual arousal, desire for bonding (which explains the cuddling after sex), maternal behavior, increased trust and reduced fear, and increased empathy & generosity.
One of the more famous studies of the effects of oxytocin is on prairie voles. Why prairie voles? Because only 3% of the mammals in this world form monogamous relationships, and prairie voles are one of them. Another would be humans, despite what you might see on Sex and The City.
Similar to humans, when prairie voles have sex, oxytocin and vasopressin is released. Scientists found that blocking these hormones would negate the voles’ monogamy. Conversely, injecting a vole with these hormones and preventing it from having sex (sorry vole) would result in monogamy.
Assistant professor of psychology Diane Witt from New York also discovered oxytocin aids in child rearing. When blocking the release of oxytocin in rats, she found that they rejected their offspring. Conversely, injecting a female rat with oxytocin makes it nurture another female’s young as if they were her own.
This doesn’t mean human love can be had with a simple injection; human love is much more complex than that. But this does demonstrate the powerful relationship-building effects of oxytocin. The evolutionary need for it is fairly clear too. Without it, couples are less likely to stay together and raise healthy offspring.
In fact, it is generally believed that the more sex a couple has, the more likely they are to stay together. Does that mean the next time you ask for a quickie, you can say, “But baby, I’m doing it for us, for the relationship?” Heh heh…
Vasopressin
This hormone is generally used to regulate the body’s retention of water, though it also has some neurological effects on the brain, all of which are not yet known. Like oxytocin, it is also released after orgasm. It also may aid in memory formation, tighten bonds between sexual partners, and in males, increase aggression against other males (perhaps against other suitors?).
Back to the prairie voles. When vasopressin was blocked in male prairie voles, they lost their devotion to their mates and did not protect them from new suitors. Research is still being done to discover the exact effects of vasopressin.
Chemical Romance, Chemical Love
So there you have it. Love broken down as a series of chemicals being released in three stages. Makes me wonder if this would make for a good Valentine’s Day card:
When I first saw and smelled you,
testosterone and estrogen were released into my brain.
Then came norepinephrine, serotonin,
and enough dopamine to feel like I was high on cocaine.
Now that we’re past those two stages,
it’s mostly oxytocin and vasopressin going in my mind.
So baby won’t you please,
oh won’t you please be my Chemical Valentine?
Hmm. Probably not. Scientists and Hallmark don’t mix.
This is a two-part essay:
- The Science of Love: Chemicals and Romance
- The Science of Love: Controlling Love
Okay boys, it’s almost Valentine’s Day. Time to man up and ask that pretty girl you’ve been eyeing out on a date! C’mon, you can do it!
I know, I know. It’s scary. What if she says “No”? What if she’s not interested? What if she doesn’t even know who you are?
Well, here’s what you can do.
There’s a mantra I often repeat to myself. “It’s better to try something and fail at it, than to walk away and regret never having tried at all.” This mantra has served me well in business, in life, and in love.
Translated to dating, it would read:
It’s better to ask a girl out and get rejected, than to walk away and regret never having asked at all.
Just imagine how you’d feel, twenty years from now, seeing the girl of your dreams just as a friend and nothing else. Maybe she’s dating, maybe she’s married. But since you never asked her out, you never found out how she feels about you. You never found out what could have happened, if only. What Ifs plague your thoughts and haunt your dreams.
Agonizing, isn’t it? The regret is always worse than the temporary feeling of rejection you’ll face, since regret can last a long, long time. Your body can handle the bee sting of rejection. But having your heart cleaved by the sword of regret is a deep excruciating pain.
With that said, here’s how you ask a girl out:
-
Ask Her Out
Well, duh. There’s really no magic to it. You go up to her and ask her out.
Ask her if she wants to get dinner tonight, a musical this weekend, or a ball game next week. Or if you want to play it more low-key, make it a coffee.
What’s important here is that you make sure she knows it’s a date. Make sure she knows you’re interested in her and want to get to know her better. Don’t play the friend card with the hopes of turning the dinner into a date later. You’ll just fill her with confusion and a sense that you don’t really like her. At best, she’ll put you on her Friends List. At worst, she’ll put you on her Wimps List.
You don’t have to declare your love for her or anything that dramatic. Just make sure she knows you’re interested in her.
I know, I know; easier said than done. What if you’re paralyzed with fear every time she comes near? What if you’re pretty sure she’s more interested in shoes than you? What do you do?
If nervousness, sweaty palms, and a clenched throat are your adversaries, consider a relaxation instrument. Like yoga, meditation, or even alcohol (otherwise known as liquid courage). Get yourself calm enough, and brave enough, to go up and ask her out.
You could also tell your friends about your intentions. This isn’t so they’ll ask her out for you; immature tactics like that rarely work out. This is so they’ll push you. Sometimes we need the encouragement of good buddies. A cheering squad on your side can pump courage in spades.
If she doesn’t even know you’re alive, letting her know you like her is a great way to change that. Sometimes just the flattery of being liked by someone can make us like that person, even a little bit. You can play it smooth and do nice little things for her to let her know you’re thinking about her, or you can be overt and send her flowers and chocolates.
(Stop at following her home and calling her every night though. A disarming guy doing sweet things is persistent. A threatening guy studying her every move is a stalker.)
And what’s the worst that could happen? She could reject you and you wouldn’t be dating her? Well, you’re not dating her now, are you? So what did you lose? Nothing!
Finally, if she’s a good catch, chances are that if you don’t ask her out, someone else will. Just like good parking spots, good catches don’t stay available forever. If you see a window of opportunity, take it now, for it could slam shut tomorrow.
So what are you waiting for, stud? Man up! Ask her out! Do it now, so you don’t regret never having asked at all!
