Category: Dating
She was stubborn and slow, but reliable like a workhorse. Not too pretty, but nice and faithful. My old 1991 Honda Accord, I mean.
A boxy four-door with automatic seat belts and chipped paint, she was as fast as a tortoise. Except she wasn’t about to win any races. She was so slow that if I didn’t put my foot all the way down on the gas pedal, I’d wind up back in 1881.
In other words, she wasn’t that impressive. And the girls I dated while I had her weren’t impressed either.
I purchased her for a few hundred bucks. She was in good shape for her age, had good mileage, and could last a few more years. In work parlance, she was known as a “beater”—a reliable commuter car that I didn’t mind beating up. I got into a fender bender once and didn’t care at all about the scratches. They just blended in with the other scratches. As long as she could take me to work and back, that’s all that mattered.
My daily commute was 50 miles one way, 100 miles roundtrip. That meant I needed to drive 2,000 miles a month to and from work. Driving a sports or luxury car with that kind of punishment was, well, just cruel. That’s like shaving a cat and calling him Slim.
Thus, my 1991 Honda Accord. A practical, financially-sound solution to my commute problem. For a few hundred bucks, I could throw 2,000 miles a month onto it and pay relatively little for gas. Life was good.
Unfortunately, while my finances flowed, my dates ebbed. One date laughed at the cassette deck and said, “Oh my God, I haven’t seen one of these since I was a little girl.” Another jumped when the automatic seat belts wrapped around her shoulder. “I hate automatic seat belts!” she declared.
Friends told me not to worry. “You don’t want a girl who cares about your car,” they’d say. “You want a girl who likes you for you.”
Sure. And seagulls explode when you give them Alka-Seltzer.
Whether you want to admit it or not, a guy is judged by the car he drives. Sometimes it happens subconsciously, sometimes it happens consciously. But it happens.
Why? Because deep down, every woman wants to know that their man can be a good provider, or at least successful in his own right. A car is an indicator of success, in other words, just like his watch, belt, and shoes (yup, women look at all those things too).
How in the world is a car an indicator of success, you ask? It’s just a superficial item, right? Why should it matter if a guy likes his old, fuel-efficient, and reliable beater? Why should he be judged less than the guy who leases a BMW he can barely afford?
Here’s why: different cars tell women different things about a guy. Such as:
- A Beater
- This guy is cheap, frugal, and probably an annoying penny-pincher. A guy who knows how to save up is attractive, but a cheapskate isn’t.
- A Newer Compact Car (like a Civic or Corolla)
- This guy is cost-conscious, yet is able to afford a more modern car with contemporary luxuries, like electric windows and a CD-player. He’s not a flashy guy, probably pretty humble and unassuming, yet caring and conscientious.
- A Newer Mid-Sized or Full-Sized Car (like an Accord or Camry)
- This guy may have a family, or at least kids. He may be the constant chauffeur or designated driver among his friends. While he’s probably steadfast and reliable, he might not be all that much fun (in bed).
- A Luxury Car (like a BMW or Lexus)
- This guy has money, or at least likes to act like he does. Could be successful, ambitious, and have a good career. May have enough disposable income for the extra niceties in life (can you say Sugar Daddy?), but may be an arrogant bastard as well.
- A 4WD/AWD Car (like a Subaru of some kind)
- This guy is a rugged outdoorsman. He likes to snowboard (not ski), backpack across long distances, hike, mountain climb, swim, and maybe even go dirt biking. He loves the outdoors and always has dirt under his fingernails.
- An SUV
- This guy may have similar traits to the 4WD/AWD guy, except without much concern for the environment.
- A Hybrid Car
- This guy totally loves the environment and wants to let the world know. He recycles almost everything and will chide you if you don’t sort out your trash appropriately. Could be idealistic, pompous, and a little smug.
- A Pick-Up Truck
- This guy is a rugged redneck who loves the outdoors. He especially loves shooting little animals with a shotgun (perhaps to compensate for something, hmm?) while outdoors. Loves country music, beer, and NASCAR races. Also loves his family, especially his sister (ahem).
- A Sports Car
- This guy is aggressive, arrogant, knows what he wants, and gets what he wants. He likes to live life hard and fast, and may like his women hard and fast as well. Every day with him is packed with fun, but if you can’t keep up, you’ll be left in the dust.
- A Station Wagon
- This guy also may have kids. Or he might be a mass murderer who uses the station wagon to transport bodies and digging equipment. Could be a practical guy with retro tastes and likes to stand out from the crowd, or an old-fashioned guy who’s not up on trends and is boring (in bed).
- A Motorcycle
- This guy has a wild spirit and a death wish. He ignores his Mom’s pleas and likes to ride the open road, skirting between rush hour traffic and baking in thick leather gear. May be a selfish adventure-seeker who’s just as crazy in bed as he is in his head.
- No Car
- This guy lives in the city and sees no need for a car. He’s practical and knows the public transportation system inside-out. If you want an excursion out of the city, however, he’ll look at you funny, then ask why you’d ever want to leave the city.
You don’t necessarily need a new, expensive car. Only a car that isn’t in utter disrepair (or has an automatic seatbelt). Women will judge a man’s car, even if they do it unconsciously.
You need not drive a leased BMW you can barely afford. But if you drive an old beater, however, then she’s not going to think you’re a good provider—she’s going to think you’re a cheap, penny-pinching old beater too.
Are you a well-educated, intelligent, independent, and successful woman… who is still single? You’re not alone (no pun intended).
More and more women are getting advanced degrees and pursuing their careers. And staying single. Sometimes voluntarily, sometimes involuntarily.
Wait, involuntarily? Why is that? What’s preventing them from being in a relationship?
Before we answer that, it’s important to realize that many women are staying single because they want to. They’re focused on their careers, are very ambitious, and are pursuing their dreams. Their hectic schedules don’t offer much time for the hassles and turmoil of dating.
Many do ultimately want a relationship, but are independent enough—financially & emotionally—to postpone it until the right man comes along. They hold high standards for their men, just as they hold high standards for themselves. Although these standards weed out most of the men they meet, they don’t mind; they’re willing & able to wait.
But what if you don’t want to wait anymore? Maybe you’re ready to settle down now. Maybe you’re lonely and want companionship. Maybe your biological clock is not just ticking anymore, it’s pounding. What to do, what to do…
The easy answer is: go out and find a man. Yea, sure, and while you’re at it, pick up an extra million dollars on the way home too.
Why do well-educated, intelligent, independent, and successful women find it so hard to find a man? Is it because men are intimidated by them?
To answer that, let’s look at three real-life anecdotes from women I know.
Women with MBAs
Within a local, prestigious MBA program, two girls noticed that most of their male classmates going for girls without advanced degrees. Instead of dating within their sizable pool of beautiful, sexy, and intelligent MBA classmates, the guys were dating, and even marrying, girls outside of their program. “Guys with MBAs just don’t want girls with MBAs,” one lamented. They seemed to prefer less educated women.
Women in Triathlons
After meeting a great guy, one girl was shocked to find him suddenly pulling away after a few successful dates. This was shortly after talking about her rigorous triathlon training program. He cited her busy schedule (which included work and triathlon training) as the reason to slow things down. She sensed it was more about her triathlon than her work, though he denied it. However, he would occasionally make comments about how much stronger she was than him.
Women as Doctors vs Teachers
A group of female doctors often went clubbing together. Each time, they’d try an experiment. On some nights, they’d tell guys that they were doctors. On other nights, they’d tell guys that they were teachers, librarians, and interior decorators. Guess which profession the guys gravitated towards? “It’s funny; every time we told them the truth, they’d disappear. But if we told them we were teachers or something, they’d flock around us and try to get our numbers.”
Sure sounds like men are intimidated to independent and successful women to me. We can even add physically fit to that list. What’s an independent and successful woman to do?
A Solution and a Silver Lining
Kris Frieswick of MSN Money has a solution. In her article “Too successful for a mate?” she notes that many successful women hold unrealistic expectations for a relationship. They look for a partner who is just as successful as they are, if not moreso. She suggests adjusting those expectations and seeking only those that are relevant to a happy relationship.
“I abandoned the expectation of many ‘must-have’ items in my years of dating before I met my husband.” Frieswick writes. “It’s not that I couldn’t find a man who possessed the right qualities, but it turned out they were irrelevant to a happy relationship. Was it crucial that my husband have a master’s degree? No. Would it be a deal- breaker if he didn’t love mountain biking as much as I do? No.”
Even Kathleen Gerson, a Professor of Sociology at New York University, agrees. “Women have increasingly high standards for who that partner might be, and because they have the ability to support themselves, they can afford to wait. They can apply those high standards.”
Aside from adjusting expectations, there are really many men who are not intimidated by independent and successful women. (Yup, right here on Earth!) A good buddy of mine actually seeks out highly intelligent women. The girls he dates typically have advanced degrees, are highly ambitious, and are successful in their careers.
Another good buddy won’t settle for anything less. “If I can’t have an intelligent conversation with her about things like economics or world culture,” he says, “then I can’t go out with her.”
As for me, I’m attracted to well-educated, intelligent, independent, and successful women too. I’ve dated girls who are eleven donuts short a box of dozen and those relationships never lasted too long. I can’t date a woman I don’t respect, and I have a lot of respect for intelligence, autonomy, and ambition. Plus, big brains are sexy. Mmm mmm mmm.
I realize that my friends and I are not the norm, however. But men with this mindset do exist. The majority of them are successful too. The challenge isn’t one of simply adjusting standards, in my opinion (though it’s helpful for everyone to at least have realistic standards). It’s also of trying to find one who’s compatible with you.
It’s not an impossible challenge either. As Gerson happily notes:
“The more highly educated a woman is, the more likely she is to ultimately marry. But it’s also true that she’s more likely to postpone marriage until she gains a foothold in the workplace and feels more secure about her working life until she’s a chance to figure out who she is, so she knows what kind of partner she wants.
“And ultimately, women who do postpone, especially if they’re highly educated, are more likely to find a partner who is right for them. [It is] more likely for that marriage to work, to last, and to create that balance between personal autonomy and commitment that they desire.”
“There’s that phrase again.”
“What phrase?” I sat forward to listen to the TV.
“Men are the new women. I heard it on another show a few weeks ago.”
I shifted on the couch. “Men are the new women, huh? You think it’s true?”
“Oh yea, definitely.”
I picked up a water bottle and took a swig. The TV continued on. “How so?” I asked.
“Well,” she looked at the ceiling thoughtfully. “I know a lot of guys who are like chicks. They’re all super-sensitive and emotional. Not that I want to say that’s how all girls are. But they’re not… they’re just not Men, you know?”
I shook my head. “Deja vu. I just had this same discussion a week ago.”
“It’s true. Sometimes I just want a guy to be… I don’t know. I want him to be solid and confident and assertive. I want him to be rational and logical.”
“You want him to be a Man.”
“Right.” She nodded, then studied the floor. “I’m the girl, so I should be the one who gets to be emotional and irrational. I’m already emotional and irrational. So if I go out with a guy who’s the same way, we’d both go crazy.”
“You know, someone should write a thesis on this. There are so many topics to touch upon. Feminism, post-modernism, capitalism, metrosexualism, paternalism, maternalism, the list is endless.”
She made a hearty laugh and rolled onto her back. “So true!”
“I know a lot of guys who are the sensitive-types. Many of them think this is what women want.”
“What? Really? Well,” she paused and stared at the wall. “A lot of women want gender equality…”
“And thus, these guys are tending toward the middle. They’re moving away from stereotypical male roles and adopting stereotypical female roles…”
“I don’t know about that. The guys I’m seeing seem to be total chicks. They’ve moved too far and are total chicks now, you know?”
I regarded this with a chin rub. “Hmm.”
She sighed. “You’re probably right. And it’s a shame. Personally, I want a Man, not a chick.”
“And if you wanted a chick, you’d just go for one.”
“Uh huh, right,” she smirked.
“And if you did, that would be so cool. Take lots of photos and let me know.”
“Funny.”
“To be honest, I know a lot of girls who’ve complained about this. They all say they want a Man and not someone who’s full of drama. They’re like you: strong, ambitious, independent. A modern woman…”
“I’m a modern woman?”
“…let me finish. Yea, a modern woman. And yet, you all want a traditional guy, a stereotypical Man. It’s an ironic contradiction.”
“Yea, well… I just don’t want a guy to be wuss. I’m already a wuss, I don’t need another in my relationship, you know? And I think… I think a lot of modern women are like that too. The guy can be sensitive and help with household chores. But if he’s going to be full of drama, then he’s taking gender equality too far.”
“So would you want a guy who says you should be pregnant, barefoot, and in the kitchen? Who sits around watching sports while you make his dinner and bring his beer?”
“Well, no. That’s too far the other way. There’s got to be a balance.”
“Ah,” I nodded. “So that’s it. You just hit it on the head. There’s a line to being a modern Man. Go too far, and you’re a chick. Don’t go far enough, and you’re a pig.”
“Right.”
“It’s a shame for you women that too so many guys go to far, huh?”
She sighed again. “Yea…”
We both mindlessly stared at the TV. Random images flickered and flashed. A woman in a bikini, a man driving a car, a house with a white picket fence.
I chuckled. “There’s just no pleasing you women, is there? Such drama and complications!”
She gave me an evil eye and shook her head. “Funny. Keep that up and I’m gonna kick your ass.”
I leaned back into the couch. “Kick my ass, huh? How aggressive of you. I don’t think it’s just Men are the new Women. I think it’s also: Women are the new Men!” I made a hearty chuckle, then braced myself for an ass-whipping.
Whenever people read about the science of love, it usually leads to one of two conclusions:
- If love is just a series of chemicals, how can I control it? Is love out of my control?
- If love is just a series of chemicals, can injections change how I feel? Can I make someone fall in love with me?
Great questions. So what do the scientists, who’ve explained away love, think?
Is Love Out of My Control?
Fortunately, the answer is: No.
You have more control over your feelings than you think. In the book Social Intelligence by Daniel Goleman, Ph.D., he abstracts the brain’s interpretation of the senses into two routes, a “low road” and a “high road.”
The low road is lightning fast and operates beneath our awareness, such as instincts, gut feelings, and primal drives. The high road, in contrast, is slower and runs through neural systems that analyze, rationalize, and make meaning of the world around us. In reality, the brain is much more complex than this, but for our purposes, this abstraction will work.
The stew of chemicals, hormones, and neurotransmitters that twirl in the science of love operate on the low road. They drive your primal urges. Fortunately, we all have a conscience (well, most of us anyways) that can steer the stew if necessary. That’s where second-guessing comes is; every time you’ve changed your mind about a gut feeling, you’re experiencing the high road countering the low road.
But it’s still not possible to make yourself or someone else fall in love, right?
Well, yes and no. If the propensity is there, then it is possible to amplify the feelings. If there is a cavern of chemistry between you and the other person, then not even Cupid’s arrows can help you.
How can the feelings of love be amplified? By non-verbal physical communication, such as your smile, your eyes, and your overall body language.
Your Smile
Smile. Right now, while you’re sitting there, smile.
If I had a portable MRI strapped to your noggin, I would have seen your pleasure centers light up. The very act of smiling can actually make you happier.
If another person smiles at you, they can trigger the same chemical reactions. That’s why being around positive people can make you happier (and negative people can make you gloomier). Known as “emotional contagion,” emotions have been found to be contagious and can be transmitted like airborne diseases.
Your Eyes
Look into my eyes. Look deep, for they are windows to my soul.
New York psychologist and professor Arthur Arun, Ph.D. discovered that the simple act of staring into each other’s eyes can spark strong feelings of attraction. In an experiment, he asked two complete strangers to reveal intimate details about their lives for more than an hour. Then he asked them to stare into each other’s eyes silently for four whole minutes. Like a staring contest, sort of. Sounds awkward, huh?
After the experiment, many of the participants confessed to feelings of deep attraction to their partners. Two of his subjects even started to date and eventually got married!
Overall Body Language
How important is a first impression? Not to put any pressure on you, but it can make or break your ability to score a date.
The low road of your brain takes anywhere between ninety seconds to four minutes to decide if there is a chemical attraction. And the deciding factors are more than the strength of your pick-up lines too. The deciding factors are:
- 55% through body language
- 38% through the ton and speed of your voice
- 7% through what you say
This means the way you carry yourself, the way you sit, the way you walk, the way you slouch, the way you stand up straight… All of those things factor in to the initial spark of attraction. Of course, the high road can come in and override many of these factors later, but this is what makes “lust” at first sight.
Can I Make Someone Fall in Love with Me?
Fortunately, the answer is: No.
Within the body, love can be interpreted as a series of chemical reactions. But then again, so can walking, eating, laughing, and pooping.
Humor, for instance, can be explained by chemicals. Does that mean we can make a joke funnier with injections? Well, maybe with laughing gas, or alcohol, or itching powder… but otherwise, no.
Along the high road of the brain, many other factors also play a part in falling in love. Culture, society, beliefs, values, even past experiences play a part. Who we’ve dated in the past shapes who we’ll date in the future. Some people are also more apt to listen to the high road than the low road.
This doesn’t stop corporations from trying, however. The perfume industry has been trying for years to manufacture love in a bottle. They dissect and analyze pheromones with ferocity. If there’s a way to make someone fall in love with a scent, they’ll find it.
Some scientists have also been looking for love potions, not just to fall in love, but to fall out of love. Why?
In her research, anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher found that the three stages of love (lust, attraction, and attachment) are not mutually-exclusive; they can all happen simultaneously. That means Jim the office perv could be lusting after your ass, be falling in love with that new girl in marketing, and be married with kids. Sadly, as Fisher says, “We were not built to be happy but to reproduce.”
So can chemicals “cure” this kind of behavior? The drop of serotonin levels during the attraction phase closely mirrors OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder), anxiety, and depression. Since serotonin-increasing drugs such as Prozac are used to deal with OCD, anxiety, and depression, it’s not a stretch to wonder if Prozac can be applied to kick someone out of the attraction phase too.
To that end, early tests have shown that yes, drugs like Prozac may numb romantic feelings in some people—if the feelings aren’t very strong yet. But once the feelings take root, they are very difficult to uproot. These findings are very inconclusive, scientists are quick to warn, and the brain is still full of mysteries.
Just like love is still a mystery.
Scientists have sought to explain it, to pick and probe at it, and to even recreate or destroy it. But so far, all they’ve gotten is a series of chemicals. What they’ve discovered is great information, but it shouldn’t be used as a guide for explaining your feelings.
While a geek like me is fascinated by these biological details, at the end of the day, I think it’s best to let poets and lyricists explain love.
I love your lips when they’re red with wine
And red with a wild desire;
I love your eyes when the lovelight lies
Lit with a passionate fire.
I love your arms when the strands enmesh
Your kisses against my face.
Not for me the cold, calm kiss
Of a virgin’s bloodless love;
Not for me the saint’s white bliss,
Nor the heart of a spotless dove.
But give me the love that so freely gives
And laughs at the whole world’s blame,
With your body so young and warm in my arms,
It set my poor heart aflame.
So kiss me sweet with your warm wet mouth,
Still fragrant with ruby wine,
And say with a fervor born of the South
That your body and soul are mine.
Clasp me close in your warm young arms,
While the pale stars shine above,
And we’ll live our whole young lives away
In the joys of a living love.
- Ella Wheeler Wilcox
This is a two-part essay:
- The Science of Love: Chemicals and Romance
- The Science of Love: Controlling Love
Love is difficult to describe. Poets and lyricists have tried doing so for eons. And they’re still at it.
But how would a scientist describe love? It probably wouldn’t be as romantic as a poet’s or lyricist’s description. I fancy it would be something like this:
Love is a chemical attraction between two people, influenced by environmental and cultural factors, for the purposes of finding a suitable mate to further one’s family line.
Simple as that.
Helen Fisher, an anthropologist at Rutgers University and one of the most well-known researchers in the science of love, would go a bit further and define it in three sequential phases:
- Lust
- Attraction
- Attachment
At each stage, there are identifiable patterns within a person’s brain, hormonal balances, and neurotransmitters. Thus, love can be scientifically identified by examining the chemicals in your brain.
1. Lust
Chemically, the first reaction to another person is lust. This phase is driven by the sex hormones testosterone and estrogen, both of which occur in men & women and enhance a person’s libido & carnal yearnings. These lead to a heightened sense of basic sexual drivers such as appearance and pheromones.
Appearance
No one wants to admit they’re superficial, though we all care about our partner’s looks to a certain extent. Through extensive research, evolutionary psychologist Devendra Singh of the University of Texas discovered that, on average, men tend to prefer women with a waist-to-hip ratio of 0.7. This applies to any weight category, culture, or ethnicity.
Psychology professor Robert Kurzban of the University of Pennsylvania also added a person’s BMI (body mass index) and facial symmetry as factors in general attractiveness. Men typically look for BMI and facial features that hint at fertility, health, and youthfulness. Women typically look for BMI features that hint at virility, strength, health, and ability to provide (meaning social status indicators like salary and education).
Overall, men tend to favor visual stimulation while women tend to favor men with high social status. This helps to explain why the porn industry caters largely to men and why “gold diggers” are generally women.
All of this happens unconsciously, of course, within systems as primal as thirst and hunger. But you can see the evolutionary foundations for such factors. We’re seeking out a mate that is capable of producing healthy offspring. How romantic.
Also gives new meaning to “love at first sight,” huh?
Pheromones
Smell and pheromones have just as much of an impact too. Professor Claus Wedekind of the University of Bern in Switzerland found that women are consistently drawn to the smell of men whose immune systems are different from their own. The more different the immune system, the wider the range of immunities their offspring would have. This is known as disassortative sexual selection.
Then Dr. Martha McClintock of the University of Chicago made a related discovery. Her studies suggest that women are drawn to a man whose smell is most similar to her father. Electra complex, anyone?
These two smell preferences are not in conflict. A man with an immune system close to her father’s would indicate a proven immune system (after all, it worked for Dad) while being different enough to provide complementary immunities. Both work hand-in-hand. (Or rather, nose-to-nose?)
The perfume industry is keenly aware of this; they routinely use pheromones to perfect their aromatic concoctions. It’s like a match made in a perfume bottle.
Unfortunately, the phrase “love at first smell” isn’t as catchy, is it?
2. Attraction
When most people talk about love, they’re referring to this stage. This phase is driven by a suite of neurotransmitters called monoamines: norepinephrine, dopamine, and serotonin. They are responsible for those puppy-dog feelings. In fact, they’re like a drug cocktail of lovey dovey motions and emotions.
Norepinephrine
This chemical influences the attention and reaction centers of the brain. In drastic situations, like being in love, it works alongside ephinephrine (the scientific name for adrenaline) to trigger the fight-or-flight response. No, this doesn’t mean you’ll run from your date or throw a punch. It means you’ll feel an increased heart rate, blood flow, and energy levels. Also, your palms will get sweaty. Dawww.
Dopamine
This chemical triggers an intense rush of pleasure (aw yea), increased energy, focused attention, and decreased need for sleep or food. It also stimulates the reward center of the brain, reinforcing the need to continue seeing your love interest. Cocaine and nicotine trigger many of these feelings too, coincidentally, except it reinforces your need to continue using the drug—hence, addictions. Thus, if you were to look at the brain of a person in love, it would look just like an addict high on drugs. (I’m high on you, baby!)
Serotonin
This chemical inhibits aggression, appetite, sleep, mood, and most importantly for this situation, sexuality. So you’ll be glad to hear that serotonin levels are dropped during this phase. What you may not be glad to hear is that low levels of serotonin are most closely associated with OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder), though they can also indicate depression or anxiety. Serial killers also have low levels of serotonin (though being attracted to someone isn’t going to make you a serial killer, I’m pretty sure). This explains why we’re all a little nuts when we’re in love; we’re literally and chemically obsessing over our partner.
Physiology
Ph.D. student Andreas Bartels and his adviser Semir Zeki of the Imperial College of London used an fMRI (functional magnetic resonance imaging) scanner to scan brains in love. They discovered that the portions of the brain related reward and pleasure activate while portions related to moral judgment deactivate. A drop in moral judgment? This is apparently why people say that “love is blind”. If you’re in love, it doesn’t matter what kind of scumbag your partner is; you’re in love, and that’s that.
3. Attachment
Long-term relationships and marriages wouldn’t work without this stage. This phase is driven by the important hormones oxytocin and vasopressin. Whether you like it or not, our bodies physically deemphasize lust and attraction sooner or later. That’s where these last two hormones come into play; they foster long-standing relationships and bonds that keep couples together as they have children and form families.
Oxytocin
This hormone is released during a wide range of relationship-building activities such as hugging, touching, orgasm, and child birth. Once released, the body experiences heightened sexual arousal, desire for bonding (which explains the cuddling after sex), maternal behavior, increased trust and reduced fear, and increased empathy & generosity.
One of the more famous studies of the effects of oxytocin is on prairie voles. Why prairie voles? Because only 3% of the mammals in this world form monogamous relationships, and prairie voles are one of them. Another would be humans, despite what you might see on Sex and The City.
Similar to humans, when prairie voles have sex, oxytocin and vasopressin is released. Scientists found that blocking these hormones would negate the voles’ monogamy. Conversely, injecting a vole with these hormones and preventing it from having sex (sorry vole) would result in monogamy.
Assistant professor of psychology Diane Witt from New York also discovered oxytocin aids in child rearing. When blocking the release of oxytocin in rats, she found that they rejected their offspring. Conversely, injecting a female rat with oxytocin makes it nurture another female’s young as if they were her own.
This doesn’t mean human love can be had with a simple injection; human love is much more complex than that. But this does demonstrate the powerful relationship-building effects of oxytocin. The evolutionary need for it is fairly clear too. Without it, couples are less likely to stay together and raise healthy offspring.
In fact, it is generally believed that the more sex a couple has, the more likely they are to stay together. Does that mean the next time you ask for a quickie, you can say, “But baby, I’m doing it for us, for the relationship?” Heh heh…
Vasopressin
This hormone is generally used to regulate the body’s retention of water, though it also has some neurological effects on the brain, all of which are not yet known. Like oxytocin, it is also released after orgasm. It also may aid in memory formation, tighten bonds between sexual partners, and in males, increase aggression against other males (perhaps against other suitors?).
Back to the prairie voles. When vasopressin was blocked in male prairie voles, they lost their devotion to their mates and did not protect them from new suitors. Research is still being done to discover the exact effects of vasopressin.
Chemical Romance, Chemical Love
So there you have it. Love broken down as a series of chemicals being released in three stages. Makes me wonder if this would make for a good Valentine’s Day card:
When I first saw and smelled you,
testosterone and estrogen were released into my brain.
Then came norepinephrine, serotonin,
and enough dopamine to feel like I was high on cocaine.
Now that we’re past those two stages,
it’s mostly oxytocin and vasopressin going in my mind.
So baby won’t you please,
oh won’t you please be my Chemical Valentine?
Hmm. Probably not. Scientists and Hallmark don’t mix.
This is a two-part essay:
- The Science of Love: Chemicals and Romance
- The Science of Love: Controlling Love
In the recruiting process of the working world, recruiters rely on a set of questions to determine whether or not a candidate is worth an interview. This is called The Screen.
In the matchmaking process of the dating world, the same technique can apply. Say a friend wants to set you up. “She’s great!” he tells you. “You should meet her!”
Alarm bells may ring. To allay them, you should begin The Screen.
“What’s she like?” That’s the first big question. It’s an open-ended question, meant to draw out more details without adding preferential bias to the answer. A favorite technique of interviewers, it’s equally despised by interviewees. Tough titties though; open-ended questions draw out loads of great information.
The follow-up questions are equally as important. “What do you mean, ‘She likes the outdoors’? Does she like hiking & camping? Does she live in the trees? Does she raise farm animals?” Probing deeper allows you to better screen the candidate. You’ll also get a better view of your friend’s mental image of said candidate.
If your friend says, “She’s nice” without any qualification, that can sometimes be a red flag. “She’s nice” could mean: “I don’t really know her well.” Or: “She’s boring and I sure wouldn’t date her, but maybe you might.”
Or: “She’s a raving psychopath who foams at the mouth whenever she watches the movie Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. But since she’s single and you’re single, you both must be a great match!”
These are important details.
“What does she look like?” That’s the next big question. Looks aren’t the most important thing; an amazing personality makes a girl a lot cuter, and an awful personality makes a girl a lot uglier. But at this stage, you can afford to be a little judicious.
And admit it. You care about her looks. You don’t want to hear your friend say, “Well, whenever she’s on all fours, I can’t tell which direction she’s facing.”
“Why do you think we’d like each other?” That’s the last big question. This one tests your friend’s matchmaking abilities. Some matchmakers are awful. A rank armpit after a really long run awful. This question will help you determine if your friend is such a case.
The question also forces him to confess the intent of the set-up. Is it a She’s Single, You’re Single set-up? Is there more to it? Is he randomly throwing two birds into a cage? Or carefully selecting two beautiful robins that actually have a chance?
If there’s bullshit, you’ll hear it. “Oh, hmm, I don’t know… maybe you two wouldn’t work out so well.” Well, golly, why didn’t you say so sooner?
And even better, you may hear a deeper level of candidness. “Oh, well, she just got out of a long-term relationship and could be on the rebound. So be careful.”
Throughout The Screen, you’ll have many opportunities to fine-tune his selection criteria. That’s just as important as screening the candidate. “She really likes the Backstreet Boys. And… don’t you like that kind of stuff too…?” Smack him around after a comment like that and he’ll never make that gross mistake again.
Like seriously. Gross. Ew.
This is a very important point. Just as you want to discern your friend’s mental image of the candidate, you want to make sure his mental image of you is accurate. Good matchmakers will be more accurate, but every so often, a little fine-tuning wouldn’t hurt.
Sounds like a lot of work? Maybe. But when you meet the girl and have a successful date, you’ll be glad you have such a thorough Screen!
I admit it: I can be a cheesy romantic. Not necessarily the chocolates-in-a-heart-shaped-box with a serenade-in-candlelight-with-rose-pedals kind of cheesy (well, not always). Hopefully more of the creative-surprise-with-a-caress-of-intimacy kind.
Or maybe not. I don’t know. You be the judge:
It was freshman year of college. More than a decade ago. My excuse is my relative youth probably contributed to this random act of romance. Really.
On Valentine’s morning, I went up to the front desk of my college girlfriend’s dorm. It was an hour before her first class. Normally, I slept in because I didn’t have any classes that day. I remember hoping that would make this cheesy act more of a surprise.
The concierge and security guard both had droopy eyelids. I gave the concierge a package and told him to buzz her room. He yawned as he buzzed her and told her to come and pick it up, without saying what it was or who it was from.
It was a bouquet of white lilies, her favorite flowers. At the center was a note with one letter on it: “I”
While she came down to get the delivery, I sneaked by a sleepy guard and up the stairs to her room. It’s perhaps unsettling that it was that easy to sneak into our college dorms, but I wasn’t thinking about that at the time. (By the way, don’t try this now, since security at college dorms has been beefed up since 9/11.)
At her door, I hung another bouquet of white lilies, along with another note: “Love”
Then I sprinted back downstairs. At the ground floor, I peeked out the door. The concierge was just sitting there, yawning. The first bouquet was gone. That meant she had picked it up. So I went up to him and gave him one last package to deliver.
If you can guess what I gave him, gold star for you for having a cheesy romantic mind too!
The concierge grinned when I handed him the final bouquet of white lilies with the note: “You”
Cheesy, I know. Some of you are probably vomiting a little in your mouths right now.
But when you’re young and in love, nothing seems cheesy to you. Everything seems right and perfect and powerful. The world is one huge poem and every love song is singing about you.
Then you get older, look back, and think to yourself, “Damn, that was cheesy!”
Okay boys, it’s almost Valentine’s Day. Time to man up and ask that pretty girl you’ve been eyeing out on a date! C’mon, you can do it!
I know, I know. It’s scary. What if she says “No”? What if she’s not interested? What if she doesn’t even know who you are?
Well, here’s what you can do.
There’s a mantra I often repeat to myself. “It’s better to try something and fail at it, than to walk away and regret never having tried at all.” This mantra has served me well in business, in life, and in love.
Translated to dating, it would read:
It’s better to ask a girl out and get rejected, than to walk away and regret never having asked at all.
Just imagine how you’d feel, twenty years from now, seeing the girl of your dreams just as a friend and nothing else. Maybe she’s dating, maybe she’s married. But since you never asked her out, you never found out how she feels about you. You never found out what could have happened, if only. What Ifs plague your thoughts and haunt your dreams.
Agonizing, isn’t it? The regret is always worse than the temporary feeling of rejection you’ll face, since regret can last a long, long time. Your body can handle the bee sting of rejection. But having your heart cleaved by the sword of regret is a deep excruciating pain.
With that said, here’s how you ask a girl out:
-
Ask Her Out
Well, duh. There’s really no magic to it. You go up to her and ask her out.
Ask her if she wants to get dinner tonight, a musical this weekend, or a ball game next week. Or if you want to play it more low-key, make it a coffee.
What’s important here is that you make sure she knows it’s a date. Make sure she knows you’re interested in her and want to get to know her better. Don’t play the friend card with the hopes of turning the dinner into a date later. You’ll just fill her with confusion and a sense that you don’t really like her. At best, she’ll put you on her Friends List. At worst, she’ll put you on her Wimps List.
You don’t have to declare your love for her or anything that dramatic. Just make sure she knows you’re interested in her.
I know, I know; easier said than done. What if you’re paralyzed with fear every time she comes near? What if you’re pretty sure she’s more interested in shoes than you? What do you do?
If nervousness, sweaty palms, and a clenched throat are your adversaries, consider a relaxation instrument. Like yoga, meditation, or even alcohol (otherwise known as liquid courage). Get yourself calm enough, and brave enough, to go up and ask her out.
You could also tell your friends about your intentions. This isn’t so they’ll ask her out for you; immature tactics like that rarely work out. This is so they’ll push you. Sometimes we need the encouragement of good buddies. A cheering squad on your side can pump courage in spades.
If she doesn’t even know you’re alive, letting her know you like her is a great way to change that. Sometimes just the flattery of being liked by someone can make us like that person, even a little bit. You can play it smooth and do nice little things for her to let her know you’re thinking about her, or you can be overt and send her flowers and chocolates.
(Stop at following her home and calling her every night though. A disarming guy doing sweet things is persistent. A threatening guy studying her every move is a stalker.)
And what’s the worst that could happen? She could reject you and you wouldn’t be dating her? Well, you’re not dating her now, are you? So what did you lose? Nothing!
Finally, if she’s a good catch, chances are that if you don’t ask her out, someone else will. Just like good parking spots, good catches don’t stay available forever. If you see a window of opportunity, take it now, for it could slam shut tomorrow.
So what are you waiting for, stud? Man up! Ask her out! Do it now, so you don’t regret never having asked at all!
“This guy is driving me nuts. He seems to be interested, yet he’s not doing anything. What the hell is up with him??”
I shrugged and stared at my beer. “Maybe he’s just a passive guy. They need a little more time to warm up.”
She shook her head. “Well, I can’t wait forever.”
I took a gulp of beer, cleared my throat, and sat up. “How much do you like this guy?”
“I like him,” she whispered into her beer. “A lot.”
“Would you be willing to put in a little more effort to see if it can go somewhere?”
She sighed. “I feel like I have been and it’s going nowhere.”
“Okay, here’s what you can do.” My voice and volume increased. I pushed aside my beer. “Flirt with him. Give him little signs to know you’re interested. Give him some openings and chances to ask you out.”
“Mike,” she said right into my eyes. “I’ve read your site. I know all about your tips on flirting.”
“Oh,” I said.
“I’ve done them all.”
“Oh.”
“Every single goddamn one.”
“Oh.”
She sighed again. “I’ve dropped hints like crazy. I told him I wanted to see I Am Legend. And he actually took me to see it! But then, a week later: No phone calls, nothing. Then I called him and he seemed happy to hear from me. We actually talked for hours.”
“Oh, how was it?”
“They were good. We talked about everything—”
“No, I mean the movie? How was I Am Legend?”
“Oh. Eh,” she shrugged. “It was okay. Don’t expect too much.”
“Too bad. Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt. Go on.”
She cast a glance at her beer. “Well, that’s about it. We talked for hours, then nothing. Sometimes it feels like there’s chemistry, sometimes there doesn’t.”
We both went back to our beers, nursing them gently. I savored the suds and sweet, bitter taste. It was a delicate flavor, tippy-toeing on my tongue without stepping down firmly.
“Tell me about him,” I said. “What kind of guy is he?”
“Well, he’s kind of a quiet guy in groups. With me alone, he’ll talk for hours though. When he’s in groups, he’ll sit back and be more of a listener. He’s definitely passive. I think every time we’ve gone out, it’s mostly been because I nudged. And we’ve only gone out like twice so far, the movie and a lunch before that. Every other time, it’s been in group settings.”
“And what do you like about him?”
She rattled off a list of traits like she was naming favorite albums. Her eyes widened, almost swooning a little. There was a hint of a smile on her lips too. She definitely liked him.
“And you’ve flirted with him? Given him signs?”
“Everything. All of it. Making eye contact. Laughing at his goofy jokes. Sitting up close to him. Everything except straight up asking him out.”
“Would you ever?”
“What? Ask him out?”
“Yea.”
She wrinkled her brow. “I don’t want to ask a guy out. A guy should ask a girl out.”
I stretched my arms. “Ahhh yes, that age-old debate. Who should ask out whom.”
“A guy should ask a girl out.”
“I see chivalry is not dead in the new millennium,” I chided.
“It’s not just about chivalry. Guys like to chase girls, right?”
“Well, I don’t know about that for all guys…”
“Most guys do. And if a girl asks a guy out, there’s no chase. That means there’s no challenge and he’ll eventually lose interest.”
I laughed. “So if a guy gets to chase a girl, he’ll automatically fall in love with her? Just because of the chase?”
“No, no. I’m saying that guys like the chase. It adds to the excitement of dating. But if a girl gives in too easily, she’ll seem desperate or worse, a floozy.”
“A floozy?”
“A floozy.”
“I like that word. I’m going to use it from now on.”
She scowled. “You’re making fun.”
“I’m totally making fun. Not all guys like the chase. If a girl plays hard-to-get, that may work on some guys, but not all guys. And I guarantee you that this guy, since he’s so passive, would NOT react kindly if you played hard-to-get.”
She sighed and resigned into her chair. “You’re probably right. He’s done squat already. I’m already playing easy-to-get, and he’s still not getting me!”
I laughed. “At least you’re not a floozy!”
She gave me another scowl.
“Okay, here’s one theory. It’s a controversial one, but I’ve heard it from a lot of people, both guys and girls.” I cleared my throat and sat up straight again. “Some believe that one of the side effects of feminism and the growing empowerment of women is the demasculinization of men.”
She started to squirm in her seat. Her eyes lowered on me with an intense gaze. I paused for a moment. “Okay, okay, let me try to qualify what I’m saying. I don’t mean to offend at all. I’m just relating what a lot of guys, and some girls, believe. In the context of this theory, feminine and masculine refer to the stereotypical gender roles of Western society. So the demasculinization of men means a change in the traditional gender roles of men.”
She tilted her head back slightly. It was sort of a nod, but not really. I continued. “Some men supported this equalization of gender roles so much that they no longer behaved according to the traditional rules. In some cases, this is good, as seen in the workplace and in the family. You now see many more men doing housework, raising children, etc. But in other cases, this perhaps isn’t so good. Like in the case of who asks out whom on a date.”
She opened her mouth, but I continued talking. “Know the old rule that a guy should open a door for a woman? I’ve met some women who get offended when a guy does that. It’s rare, but they’re out there. And many guys don’t want to offend or come off insensitive to women’s rights. So what happens? They switch roles. They stop opening up doors for women, they let women ask them out, etc etc.”
Her eyes were blazing now. “Are you done?”
I gulped. “Um, yea.”
“Okay, first of all, I get what you’re saying. The twenty-first century guy wants to be sensitive to gender equalization. But that’s not the same as a passive guy.”
“Maybe not, but they’re related in this particular case. There are passive guys and passive girls; passivity is not gender specific. When you pair up a passive person and an assertive person, it’s generally the assertive person who dominates, right? So look at you and this guy. Who’s the assertive one? Clearly, you are. Therefore, it’s up to you to make the first move.”
“But…”
I shook my head. “There are no buts. The whole gender equalization discussion basically says that you should strip out traditional gender roles from your situation. He’s no longer the guy and you’re no longer the girl.”
“Great, thanks.”
“Sure, anytime. So without gender roles, what we’re left with is a passive person and an assertive person. And that means the assertive person is the one who has to make the first move.”
She sighed and slowly let her head drop. Her hand lazily grabbed her beer and drew it towards her. “I guess you’re right. But…” She looked out the window. I followed her gaze and we silently watched a couple holding hands walk by the bar.
“But,” she continued, “I don’t want to have to ask a guy out. I like it when a guy asks me out. It shows… I don’t know… It shows that he’s a man.”
“So much for equalization of gender roles,” I muttered.
“Maybe I’m just an old-fashioned girl, I don’t know.” She watched the couple until they disappeared from view.
“Personally, I think we just happen to be living in a time where all kinds of traditional stereotypes are being questioned. Whenever convention wisdom is confronted, there’s always an awkward period of confusion. It’s like puberty for social evolution. Before we can settle down on whatever it is we should, we’re going to have to deal with deepening voices, hair in funny places, and wet dreams.”
“Great analogy Mike, thanks,” she smirked with an eye roll.
“As for you, I think you’re going to have to ask yourself: ‘Do I like this guy enough to get past his passiveness, risk rejection, and ask him out? Or is he not worth it, because he’s not being a man and asking me out?’”
She shrugged and kept her eyes out the window. “This is why dating sucks.” She took a monstrous gulp of beer, finishing off her glass until only suds remained. Then she ordered a new beer. “Maybe I will ask him out.”
I scowled at her. “Ew, you floozy.”
You think he’s cute, don’t you? You wish he’d come over and talk to you, don’t you? Or that he’d ask you out, right? Or maybe even a plant a kiss. But he’s not. What’s a girl supposed to do?
Flirt! Flirt your cute little ass off!
Don’t know how? Let me tell you, from the guy’s perspective, what do to.
- Smile
- That’s the simplest one. Many guys are bashful creatures. They need an invitation for conversation or else they’ll risk the painful bite of rejection. Imagine a squirrel on the grass and you with a handful of nuts. How do you coax that little guy over? You’ve got to be disarming, charming, and show him your nuts. In short, you’ve got to show him you’re not going to bite if he approaches (unless, um, he wants you to). A smile is the easiest form of invitation. So smile!
- The Second Glance
- Some guys need more of a jump charge than others. One smile might not be enough. Even with copious amounts of liquid courage (read: alcohol), he might be second-guessing you and thinking that your smile was over some joke. So to silently tell him, “Yes, that smile was for you, dummy!” give him a second glance. Linger a bit too. Take in his scrumptious face, examine his eyes, think about how a kiss from his lips would feel, anything to keep your eyes locked for a moment. Even try a third glance if necessary. But don’t go any further than that, or else you’ll dilute the power of these glances.
- Wear Something Alluring
- Guys are visual creatures. Big surprise there. It’s a sad testament to our society that our self images are so media-driven, but you’ll find the odds of attracting guys in your favor when you dress well, feel confident, and look hot. A hint of a delicious perfume (but not too much!) can also add to your allure. Got great legs? Show them off. Great ass? Accentuate it. Nice cleavage? Well, duh! Pretty face and great smile? Even better! You’re beautiful, so show yourself off!
- Laugh at His Jokes
- This is such a cheesy one that I hesitated in including it. But it’s so darn effective that I’d be cheating you if I didn’t. Sure, he could be full of cheesy jokes and potty humor, but you’ll make him feel like a million bucks if he thinks he’s funny. Every guy has heard that girls like a guy with a sense of humor. Laugh, and you’ll build up his confidence. Psychologically and biologically, you’ll also have a better time as you smile and laugh too, even if it’s all fake (strange but true, read any psychological journal).
- Compliment Him
- On the theme of cheesy but effective methods, there’s also compliments. Just don’t be too obviously fake about them and don’t overwhelm him with ass-kissing praise. But a gentle sprinkle of compliments will further his confidence in himself and his good feelings towards you. Did you know that even fake flattery is somewhat effective? (That’s why ass-kissers at work get so far. No one ever said the world is fair and makes sense, right?)
- Touch Him Lightly
- Find an opportunity to come into light physical contact with him, like patting him on the arm or thigh, leaning up against him, or tussling his hair. I don’t mean heavy petting; calm yourself down girl, that’s for later! Your gentle touches will send subtle signals into his brain that you’re someone he can touch back in the future. It’s like scratching a dog behind his ears; you’ll need to win him first before he’ll let you scratch his belly. (Actually, that analogy totally fails, because that same dog will have no problem humping you with nothing more than a smile, but eh, you get the point.)
- Lean In Close to Him
- Somewhat similar to touching him lightly is leaning close to him. Seductively enter into his personal space. Not too close right away, where you’re breathing out of his nose. You just want to tease him a bit. He’ll be able to smell you and see you closely now. If there are sparks, you both will feel them now too. If not, then perhaps he’s a dud.
- Look Into His Eyes
- This may seem obvious to some, but hard to do for others. Lock eyes with him as he talks. I don’t mean turning it into a staring contest, but make ample eye contact during your conversation. If you’re shy, take note of his eye color and try to discern the secrets of his soul from those two glassy orbs. This will show him you’re interested, further boosting his confidence. Look away, and he’ll think you’re not interested or that he’s boring you. That could be your death knell and the surest way back to Mr. Rabbit.
- Ask Him About Him
- Lots of people like talking about themselves. So ask him questions about his life, his work, his hobbies, etc. (Avoid questions about previous relationships though, that’s a no-no this early on in the game.) You’ll not only find out more about this cute guy, but you’ll have him leave the encounter pleased, for it’s another psychological marvel that people who talked about themselves a lot tend to unconsciously rate those experiences as happy ones. (The mind’s a wondrous place, eh?)
- Pay Attention to Him
- Perhaps fairly obvious, this one should be stated nonetheless. Don’t get so caught up in staring at his eyes and asking him questions that you forget to listen to what he’s saying. If you find yourself thinking about the next question, stop. Listen to him. I mean, really listen to him. Listen for commonalities between the two of you. Share a little about yourself in similar situations. Don’t just sit there like a rock, interact with him and show him a bit of yourself. This will help you evaluate whether he’s really worth your time as well.
- Leave Him Openings for Dates
- Now that you’ve got the little guy eating out of the palm of your hand, give him some easy opportunities for asking you out. Mention a new restaurant you’ve been dying to try. Or a new musical that’s in town. Be prepared to clear some lower-priority items out of your schedule too, because if you’re always busy, he’ll take that as a sign that you’re not that interested, may have other guys on the side, or are too busy to be worth dating.
This all assumes the target of your affections is worth your heart. If he doesn’t respond to any of these, then either he is Just Not That Into You (read the book!), an utter social moron, or gay. Assuming he’s none of those, then you can rest easy knowing you’ve given him enough of the proper signals. The rest is now up to him. Good luck, ladies!
