Category: Dating
Hey, hey, it ain’t just us guys who are apt to say the wrong thing. Foot-in-Mouth has no gender bias. You ladies are just as guilty of saying the wrong thing on a first date as we are. Such as:
- “Have I told you about my cats?”
- “Hello, my biological clock is ticking…”
- “So I was thinking, after dinner, why don’t we stop by Tiffany’s?”
- “What kind of car do you drive?”
- “Did you just look at that girl over there? I saw you looking. Don’t lie, I know you were looking.”
- “Do I look fat in this dress?”
- “I have a boyfriend.”
- “My ex is a crazy psycho stalker.”
- “Sorry, I’m into Edward. You’re more of a Jacob.”
- “I think I love you.”
What else should a girl not say on a first date?
We’ve all suffered from bouts of Foot-in-Mouth disease. Some more than others. So it’s always good to review Do and Not-Do lists to minimize such relapses. Here is one such list for guys.
- “Oh my God you’re so hot. You look just like my mother.”
- “How many languages can you speak? I can speak English, Spanish, Elvish, Klingon, Vampirese, Huttese, and Qwghlmian.”
- “So. Do you like anal?”
- “Are you really going to wear that for the entire date?”
- “I think the woman’s place is in the kitchen, don’t you?”
- “Hi, have you met my friend Bert? You don’t see him? He’s sitting right here, next to me. Say ‘Hi’ Bert.”
- “Wow, you could sure stand to lose a few pounds.”
- “Before we go any further, you must answer this question correctly: The probability of a car passing a certain intersection in a 20-minute windows is 0.9. What is the probability of a car passing the intersection in a 5-minute window, assuming a constant probability throughout?”
- “Damn, I forgot my gonorrhea cream back home. Do you have any?”
- “So how the fuck are ya?”
What else should a guy not say on a first date?
Categories:
Adulthood,
Best Of,
Breaking Up,
College,
Dating,
Flirting,
Getting Older,
Girls,
Guys,
Psychology,
TheoriesBeing a self-admitted geek, I’ve known many other geeks in my life. I’ve seen some grow up and become successes. And I’ve seen some grow up and become, for lack of a better word, players. Dangerous players.
Not players in the sense of metrosexual predators or greased-up Jersey Shore rejects. These guys are more clandestine. Girls don’t suspect they’re in the clutches of such a geek-turned-player until, well, sometimes never.
First, some background.
A geek-turned-player (GTP) grows up as an unpopular teen. He is the typical nerd, dork, dweeb, pick your favorite insult. In a phase where fitting in is so crucial, they stick out like a limb with gangrene. Though many make it through as strong, self-confident adults, this can foment into a deep psychosis for a few.
This bitterness can evolve in many ways. Some embody the taunts and turn them into strengths, such the skinny nerd who grows up to be a muscle-bound guy. Others harbor the acrimony until the acids melt away their relationships. Some do both.
A GTP is the latter; he does both. He also turns rejections from girls into a dictum of life: he wants to be a guy who can “get” all the girls who’ve rejected him. As you can imagine, a layer of misogyny pervades their actions. They want to get those girls, or girls in general, and hurt them.
Ironically, they overtly state a hatred of players, the guys who can go to any bar or club and get a phone number as easily as a mosquito can feed in a nudist colony. GTPs see themselves as the antithesis of the traditional player.
“I would never have a one-night stand,” they declare. “I will always honor and respect women.” Therein lies the danger of a GTP. Not only are they shattering hearts like a player, but they are unaware of it.
How do they get from geeks to heart-shattering GTPs?
After college, they tend to do well in their careers. They become white-collar workers and executives in well-paying jobs. They date a few girlfriends along the way who imbue them with some fashion sense. They may even start exercising and getting fit. To look at them now, you would never know they were scrawny four-eyed nerds in high school. Now, they look like intelligent, respectful, well-paid knights in shining armor.
At this age, these traits start to attract women in numbers not before experienced by these geeks. Where girls once ignored them, women are now being drawn to them like ants to molasses. And here they sit, happy as anteaters.
Much of this happens to average geeks, regardless of their proclivities. All sorts of sociological and biological factors play into this phenomenon. Single women in their twenties or thirties tend to seek men who are stable, financially, emotionally, etc., even if they didn’t seek those factors when they were younger.
That’s how I’ve lucked out, at least. Go sociological & biological factors!
The GTP differs from the average geek in his behaviors after meeting a girl. The GTP, flush with the exhilaration of meeting a girl, starts to behave like a traditional player. Despite his proclaimed position on one-night stands, his qualms melt away in the heat of passion.
Then he does it again. And again. And again. He starts to realize his sexual prowess and magnetism and begins to flaunt it openly, oftentimes to the chagrin of his peers. He believes himself to be God’s Gift to Women: he has all the qualities of a traditional player, along with money, status, and success. What girl wouldn’t want him?
However, he still puts on a veneer of respect. His misogynic beliefs are well-hidden. Women see him as a nice guy, even months or years after he has broken their hearts.
For the unfortunate, this heartbreak is infinitely worse than being with a player, because of the emotional connection made. Indeed, the GTP’s armament includes psychological weapons such as long, deep conversations, the kind that make women think about marriage and children.
Breaking up with a deadbeat player is one thing, breaking up with a potential husband and father of your children is another.
Deep inside, the GTP doesn’t see himself as a player, however. He still harbors a resentment of players and sees his actions as innocent. This belief reinforces the effectiveness of his weapons. Those long, deep conversations, as they are happening, are earnest and from the heart.
So what changes the morning after? Something subconscious. A switch flips. The emotional connection from last night fades as the excitement of new prey emerges. As soon as another woman starts up a conversation, the previous one is forgotten.
For the goal isn’t to meet a woman and start a wonderful relationship. The goal is to meet women. And to see if he can “get” them. The exhilaration of each new encounter has become a drug.
This is something the GTP never experienced as a teen. He never got the intoxication of fleeting puppy love out of his system like others his age. While most of us are moving on in stable relationships, he is stuck. He is a late bloomer who is addicted to the high of new women.
I haven’t seen much written about this phenomenon before. I suspect it is, thankfully, rare. However, I’ve seen it enough times to discern to articulate this theory.
The popularization of geek culture may be partly responsible for the rise of the geek-turned-player. Or maybe it has always been around and I’ve only begun to notice it.
Whatever the case, the GTP is a dangerous animal on the dating scene. I’ve seen female friends unknowingly wrecked from them. I’ve seen colleagues & acquaintances evolve into GTPs themselves. The result is always disastrous, especially for the women they’ve left in their wake.
Beware the geek-turned-player.
Hey guys, are you stressin’ about being romantic? Can’t think of how? Don’t want to follow the typical tactics espoused by Halmark and Hollywood? Or just questioning the whole concept?
Here is a definition of romance that may help lend perspective:
Romance is an act of intimate affection committed unexpectedly towards your love interest and without desire for personal gain.
Let’s take that statement apart to decipher its meaning. Romance is…
- an act
- Actions speak louder than words. Perhaps you can talk like Cassanova, but if you only talk about your feelings and never demonstrate it through a physical act, than your feelings are just a bunch of hot air.
- of intimate
- Though this term can carry a lot of baggage, the semantic usage I prescribe here is of an understanding of your love interest. Do you know something about that person that no one else knows? Do you know something personal and meaningful to that person? Hopefully you do if you have been listening and paying attention. The heart of a romantic act is showing that you are so interested in this person that you remember details of his/her life and interests.
- affection
- Your romantic act ought to be one of adoration, fondness, even passion. It should be a display of your feelings towards your love interest and make him/her feel good. Bringing up that person’s history of weight problems, however personal and intimate, is not an act of affection, for instance.
- committed unexpectedly
- This act should to carry some measure of surprise. Certain holidays and landmarks, like Valentine’s Day, birthdays, anniversaries, etc, are loaded with expectation, of course. But romance does not need to exist only on those days. Small random acts of kindness can sometimes be more romantic than flowers and chocolate on Valentine’s Day.
- towards your love interest
- This should be the person with whom you have a genuine attractiveness and desire to know better, of course. Duh.
- and without desire for personal gain
- Some may argue that guys in particular only commit romantic acts for a physical return on investment, so to speak. True romance does not ask for anything in return, however. It is done selflessly and for the benefit of the love interest. Perhaps the only selfish gain is to see a smile on the other person’s face.
There are countless definitions of romance. I’m sure you have a way to express romance that is just as effective and beautiful. This is just mine.
How would you define romance?
Are you a love virgin?
Allow me to explain. If you go by the traditional definition of the word “virgin,” it means a person who has not had sexual intercourse. If you’ve ever bumped uglies in the night, hid the hot dog, or taken the bullet train through Yonker’s tunnel, then no, you are not a virgin.
What about a love virgin?
The term “virgin” can also be used in non-sexual contexts to mean a lack of something. A Pina Colada Virgin, for instance, is a Pina Colada cocktail without alcohol. A love virgin, therefore, is someone who has never fallen in love.
Some people go through life never experiencing love. Some do and don’t know it. Still others do and won’t admit it. While all three are potential dating hazards, the first kind — the true love virgin — presents an especially difficult case.
Most people have experienced it at least once. While there isn’t a limit to the number of times one could fall in love, it would be logistically difficult to have felt it more than, say, twenty times. Unless, maybe, you’re a thousand-year-old vampire or something.
For most people, love isn’t an emotion or a state of being that happens easily. It’s not like buying ice cream at the supermarket. It’s more like buying a condo or house, relatively speaking.
I’ll bet some of you are shaking your heads right now. “I fall in love almost once a month,” you’re thinking to yourself. “It’s not as rare as this doofus makes it sound.”
Sorry to do this, but see your bubble there? Now look at this pin in my hand. Burst!
If you fall in love that often, chances are you haven’t been feeling love. What you may have been feeling is infatuation. A very deep, passionate infatuation, perhaps, but infatuation nonetheless.
It is easy to confuse infatuation with love. Love isn’t a feeling that fades in a matter of weeks. It takes years, decades, even lifetimes. Or perhaps it never truly fades; it just evolves into a more elemental emotion.
Infatuation, on the other hand, is defined as an “all-absorbing passion” (see why it’s so easy to confuse it with love?) that doesn’t last. It doesn’t grow or evolve. It just remains at that level, then dips like the sunset.
If you are still in your teens or early twenties, it isn’t uncommon to be a love virgin. Some may even argue that you don’t really know what love is until you’re older, though I think that’s bullshit. But if you are still a love virgin at this age, don’t fret. You are not alone.
If you are in your thirties or forties, however, then you should be concerned. That’s a long time to go through life without ever falling in love. It isn’t impossible, but, well, something may be wrong.
Are you afraid of being hurt so much that you avoid relationships? Are you consciously or unconsciously isolating yourself from strangers? Are you ending relationships before they have a chance to mature?
There is something beneath the surface that isn’t quite socially healthy. Or at least, socially acceptable by the norm.
On the flip side, if you are dating a love virgin, then be careful. Just as a sexual virgin isn’t quite sure what to do with all the rods and cones, a love virgin isn’t quite sure what to do with all the messy emotions that come with being in love. This isn’t a slight against love virgins, it’s just a fact. Lack of experience begets lack of understanding.
For example, jealousy can play a big part in love. Most people new to love will find this curious, yet nagging emotion sitting on their shoulder from time to time. The little green devil may occasionally nip at them, throw an all-out tantrum, or crawl away and lurk just behind the ears.
With experience, many learn to cope with this emotion. They realize its roots in insecurity and put it away appropriately. However, a love virgin doesn’t yet have this experience. Thusly, the little green devil is out to play.
There is more. Mutual love is a delicate sheet of rice paper. Push too hard and it will crumble. Pull too hard and it will tear. With experience and a few failed relationships under your belt (no pun intended), you will hopefully have learned how hard to push and how hard to pull.
A love virgin at age forty, unfortunately, hasn’t had the benefit of such experience. Such an individual may unknowingly come on too strong and suffocate the object of their desire. So dater beware.
To be fair, there are many patient people in the world who can deal with a middle-aged love virgin, just as there are many understanding people in the world who can deal with a middle-aged virgin. (“You know what? I respect women! I love women! I respect them so much that I completely stay away from them!”) So it isn’t the end of the world if you are a love virgin.
But to those dating a love virgin, if you don’t have the patience or tolerance to deal with a new crop of emotions and lack of experience, be careful. Their only experience with love is what they’ve seen in movies. And as we all know, life isn’t like the movies.
Have you committed a text faux pas recently? Texting, the short-hand for “text messaging via a mobile device,” is such a common communication method now that a whole new set of manners and etiquette has arisen.
How many of these do you break regularly?
- Keep your phone on vibrate or silent mode. No one wants to hear your phone beep every time you receive a new text.
- Keep your text messages concise. Brevity is key. For long messages, use email or — how novel — a phone call.
- Do not write a text message to someone while talking to someone else face-to-face. Give the person in front of you your immediate attention. The text message can wait.
- Do not get upset if you don’t get an immediate reply. The recipient might be busy (see above) or unaware of the new text message.
- Be aware that misinterpretations can and will happen. It is difficult to discern emotional nuances from short text messages.
- Be judicious with your shorthand. Some people may not be aware of the shorthand you are using.
- Be aware of basic grammar rules. Just because text messages encourage shorthand notation is no reason to show your recipient that you have the grammar skills of a two year-old.
- DO NOT WRITE A TEXT MESSAGE IN ALL CAPS. A pox on you and your firstborn if you do.
- If you know your friend is on a wireless plan that charges per text message, don’t bombard the friend with messages.
- Do not write a text message while driving. Not only is this illegal in some states, but doing so renders your awareness to the level of a drunk driver.
- If you are writing a text message while walking, watch where you are going. Make sure you don’t walk into someone, a tree, or traffic.
- Text messages can be used to politely remind or notify someone who you know is unable to answer the phone. “Can you call me when you’re out of your meeting?” is perfectly acceptable.
- Be aware of who you are writing the text message to, as informal messages full of slang are more appropriate for your friends than your superiors at work.
- Be aware of your recipient’s schedule. Just as you wouldn’t call someone at 2AM, don’t text message that person either.
- Do not write a text message while on a date. That signals to the date that you are bored and uninterested — unless you want to convey that, of course.
- Guys: if a girl gives you her phone number, do not respond with only text messages. Dial her number, open your mouth, and talk to her. You will impress her much more this way.
- Do not send a text message while intoxicated. Drunk texting is as bad as drunk calling. Bad bad bad.
- Do not harass someone with text messages. They can be traced, so it isn’t just rude, it’s also stupid.
- Do not use a text message for something formal and serious, like a wedding invitation or ending a relationship. It’s just tacky and lame.
- Double-check the recipient before sending your text message. Make sure you are not sending a love note to your boss. Unless your boss is your sweetie-pie.
- Do not write a text message while in an interview, unless you don’t want that job.
- Do not send a spam-like chain text message, unless you are a total jerk. People who pay per text message will especially abhor you for this.
- Do not text while watching a movie in a movie theater. The light from your mobile device can be distracting to other viewers. A hundred years of bad acne on you if you do.
I was minding my own business when seven words caught my attention:
“And then she went down on him?”
How fortunate. I’m on my laptop right now, trying to come up with something to write. Thank you sweet fate for offering this titillating story to me via eavesdropping.
“No, he did not.”
I inch my chair closer while keeping my eyes on my screen. Mustn’t be too obvious.
“Wait, how old is she again?”
My fingers tip-tap on the keyboard. I scramble to capture it all.
“Okay, but like, how old was she then?”
A quick glance around the cafe netted a few other eavesdroppers. How could you not eavesdrop on a conversation like this? She wasn’t being particularly quiet on her cell phone either.
“Ohmigod isn’t she worried about him getting shot or anything?”
Someone coughs and looks away. Our collective minds are bubbling with explanations. Maybe he was a drug dealer. Maybe he was in a street gang. Maybe…
“Wow, I didn’t know he made sergeant. Like, which precinct?”
Oh, okay, so he’s a police officer.
“Ohmigod she did not say that! Get out of here, she did not say that!”
What did she say? What did she say?
“Before she turned thirty? Seriously? So that’s why her wedding seemed so last minute. It was so rushed. Ohmigod did you see the centerpieces? They were so messy.”
Did this girl give this police officer’s baton a shining just to get married before she turned thirty? That’s determination. This girl sounds like once she’s focused on something, she won’t let go. Maybe literally.
“I know, like, there were pedals everywhere. They were dropping off everywhere.”
I like how this conversation just took a major detour. From sex to work to marriage to wedding. Just like the progression of a natural relationship, I suppose.
“Ohmigod he was so cute. Did you see him? He looked so adorable!”
Could be the best man. Or the little kid who walks down the aisle before the wedding party, whatever they call him.
“So is she, like, happy now that she’s married and everything?”
Ah yes, the most important question of the day. I lean closer.
“Oh. Ohmigod. Oh. Ohmigod.”
What? What?! Tell us! Prying minds want to know!
“Ohmigod. That poor thing.”
Dammit, tell us! You’ve carried us along this far, you can’t stop now. What happened to your friend??
“You know, I totally knew this would happen. Like, I know a friend whose sister dated a cop, and he would like, totally come home and beat on her. No, yea. Like, it’s a power trip thing or something. Yea. Totally.”
Oh. That’s pretty awful. I know not all police officers are like this, but it’s awful her friend is going through whatever she’s going through. Some of the other cafe patrons return to their lattes, having heard enough.
“Ohmigod! Get out! Oh, she is such a slut!”
Oh? The other patrons peek over again.
“That guy from her office? I think I met him. Ohmigod I totally met him! She did him? No way!”
Ooo, methinks this story is getting better again. This whole conversation is like a car wreck; you just can’t turn away, bloody bodies and all.
“Oh really? No, really?”
Suddenly, she gets up. Everyone shifts in their seats and pretends to be reading whatever is on their table. A laptop, a magazine, the logo on their cups. She seems oblivious as she shuffles out the door.
“And then she went down on him?”
That’s the last we hear of her titillating tale. And thus it comes full circle, back to the beginning seven words. Just like love and life. Thanks for the story! Hope things work out for your friend!
Now here’s a controversial topic. It incites flames, trolls, and every other little ugly side of human psychology you can squint at. It is the topic of interracial dating between Asian girls and white guys. Now let’s begin.
I don’t have any hard numbers to quantifiably verify if Asian girl/white guy relationships are more common than white girl/Asian guy relationships, though many people are happy to offer anecdotal evidence in support of the former.
The bigger question is why. The world is rife with theories. Here are some of the more common ones.
Asian Female Social Elevation Theory
This theory posits that Asian girls date white guys because they feel it will elevate their social status in some way. They perceive Asians to be lower on the social ladder than whites, whether through social conditioning, media conditioning, insecurity, or something else. Therefore, a relationship, and/or marriage and kids with a white guy will improve their social standing. Some may feel this way explicitly; others may unconsciously believe it but aren’t able to articulate it.
Passive Asian Male, Aggressive White Male Theory
This theory states that Asian guys are generally less aggressive when it comes to asking a girl out because of cultural influences that teach them discretion over outright showiness. They’d rather be friends with the girl first, then wait a long while before asking her out. Conversely, white guys are generally more aggressive and display more overt romantic gestures. In the realm of dating, an overt romantic gesture usually wins over a passive, discrete one (especially in Western societies). Therefore, Asian girls who may not really have a preference for white guys over Asian guys, end up with white guys because they’ve been openly & aggressively courted by one.
Exotic Asian Female Theory
This theory can also be called the Asian Fetish or Yellow Fever Theory because white guys see Asian girls as exotic, different, and submissive. These white guys want a trophy girlfriend and/or wife. It is less important for the Asian girl to share similar cultural values or language, than it is to be passive and doting. The Asian Female Social Elevation Theory also plays a part, in that the Asian girls who willingly go out with white guys with an Asian fetish look past these preferences in favor of social elevation benefits.
Independent Asian Female Theory
This theory hypothesizes that because more and more Asian girls are earning advanced degrees, strong careers, and financial independence, Asian guys are finding them less desirable. Asian guys with traditional patriarchal cultural values seek wives who will stay at home and take care of the children. Since these educated, independent Asian girls don’t fit that model, they turn to white guys who accept that independence.
Desired Asian Female Theory
This theory puts forth the assertion that Asian guys aren’t necessarily more passive or white guys necessarily more aggressive. Instead, Asian girls are desired by all ethnicities equally. Asian guys like them because, well, they’re Asian too. White guys like them because they’re exotic, different, submissive, or some other kind of perceived notion. Therefore, the laws of probability assert that there should be a fair mix of Asian girl/white guy and Asian girl/Asian guy couples out there. Since Asian girl/Asian guy couples are the expected norm, an Asian girl/white guy couple stands out as an exception and causes people to assume the exception is the norm.
Undesired Asian Male Theory
This theory is the flip side to the Desired Asian Female theory, in that it asserts that Asian guys are perceived similarly to Asian girls: exotic, different, and submissive. Sometimes the added perceptions of being feminine, wimpy, and geeky are also prescribed. These traits are viewed negatively in Western societies, causing both white and Asian girls to have a preference away from Asian guys.
Undesirable White Female Theory
This theory turns the Undesired Asian Male Theory around and posits that white girls do actually want Asian guys, but many Asian guys don’t want white girls because of perceptions of cultural incompatibility and marriage instability (the belief that whites are more apt to divorce than Asians are). So while there should be a fair number of interracial couples on both sides, it’s the preference of Asian guys for Asian girls that limits white girl/Asian guy couples.
Sexist Asian Male Theory
This theory claims that Asian guys are sexist, chauvinistic, and even misogynistic, because of traditional patriarchal cultural values. Asian guys range from not knowing how to treat an Asian girl with respect to wanting them to be housewives and nothing else, similar to the Independent Asian Female Theory. Except this theory pushes the assumption further to say that Asian guys may even verbally or physically abuse their wives. Therefore, Asian girls choose white girls who have been socialized in a Western society where feminist thought and equality is more prevalent.
Asian Male Wife-Like-Mom Theory
This theory says that Asian guys want a girlfriend and ultimately, a wife, who resembles their mothers (in personality, not looks, necessarily) because of cultural influences. White guys, on the other hand, don’t have as much of a preference. Therefore, while there could be more white girl/Asian guy couples out there, Asian guys are going for Asian girls instead. And without such a preference, white guys are going for both white girls and Asian girls.
Special Asian Female Theory
This theory takes pieces of the Exotic Asian Female Theory and Undesired Asian Male Theory, amongst others, with the idea that Asian girls go for white guys because white guys make them feel special. With an Asian guy, the Asian girl is just like any other girl; they are not special in any way. But with a white guy, the Asian girl is made to feel unique and special. The underlying motivates behind the white guy’s behavior, according to this theory, are more than just him being an especially compassionate person. In this theory, the white guy is treating the Asian girl this way because he considers her exotic and different, but not submissive. Therefore, he is the one doting on her and not the other way around.
Dominant White Male Society Theory
This theory offers the concept of Western societies being white-male-dominated as the determinant of Asian girl/white guy couples. Combining several theories here, this theory states that white guys who have a preference for Asian girls can form a relationship with them through overt romantic gestures, unconscious social elevation benefits, and an air of self-confidence (which is considered an extremely attractive trait in Western societies). This air of self-confidence comes from being the dominant race/gender pair, thereby giving them an advantage in dating a girl of any other ethnic group.
Inevitable Cross-Pollination Theory
This theory suggests that as the various ethnicities and nations of the world intermingle, there will be an inevitable cross-pollination of interracial relationships. Therefore, there is an equal number of Asian girl/white guy and white girl/Asian guy couples out there. People just notice the Asian girl/white guy pairings more often because of the controversial assumption that the white guy is just dating her to appease his “yellow fever.”
Natural Love Theory
This theory put forwards the notion that it’s not about ethnicity, it’s about natural compatibility. It is just two people who love each other, regardless of ethnicity, culture, background, education, or anything else. Simple as that.
What’s your theory on Asian girl/white guy relationships?
Oh, how can I kiss thee? Let me count the ways…
- The Sloppy Kiss
- I can slap your lips and cheeks with my tongue, draping it everywhere until your face is a dripping mess of saliva. Extra points for long strands dangling from your chin.
- The Over-Enthusiastic Kiss
- I can hungrily chop at your mouth like you’re a delicious meal and I haven’t eaten in months. Though you may not expect it, I won’t care because, hey, I’m hungry.
- The Timid Kiss
- I can peck you on the corner of your lips. You may not feel anything, but if you do, it may remind you of a baby deer sniffing your face before dashing off into the woods.
- The Dead Fish Kiss
- I can stand there with my mouth open, attracting flies and hopefully your lips too. Even if you come in for a deep kiss, my tongue will just lie there, limp and lifeless like a dead fish.
- The Sealed Tomb Kiss
- I can squeeze my lips together tighter than a juvenile virgin’s ass in prison. You won’t be able to penetrate, no matter how hard you try.
- The All Tongue Kiss
- I can protrude my tongue and wrestle your tongue with my tongue. We can stand back at a safe distance with our lips far apart and watch our two moist wrestlers battle it out.
- The Snake Tongue Kiss
- I can rapidly dart my tongue in and out of your mouth, as if I’m smelling your breath with my tongue. It may feel funny, sort of like a wet, indecisive intruder.
- The Lip Kiss
- I can kiss and nibble just one of your lips. Maybe your upper lip, maybe your lower lip, you won’t know which until I actually do it. I like to mix it up to keep you on your toes.
- The Deep Throat Kiss
- I can launch my tongue deep into the crevices of your mouth, practically gagging you with my Gene Simmons tongue. I can even tell whether or not you still have your tonsils.
- The Vacuum Cleaner Kiss
- I can form a suction around your lips and suck in deeply, drawing the breath from your lungs. This way, I can literally take your breath away.
- The Bite Kiss
- I can bite down on your lips. It won’t be just a friendly nibble either; it’ll be a toothy chomp, as if I’m a vampire here to suck your blood. I could also bite your neck too, for full effect.
- The Dentist Kiss
- I can drill down on your teeth with my tongue. Though you won’t feel much because enamel doesn’t have nerves, you’ll leave with fewer cavities and cleaner teeth.
- The Tooth Smash Kiss
- I can smash my teeth into your teeth. The crunching impact will be shocking, maybe even painful, but if you make sure your lips aren’t in the way, we can minimize the pain.
- The Poor Aim Kiss
- I can miss your lips and catch just the corner of your mouth. Or your cheeks. Or the wall behind you. Just like my aim at the toilet bowl at night, I can miss horribly.
- The Open-Eyed Kiss
- I can kiss you with my eyes spookily open. If you peek at me, you’ll see me staring wide-eyed in wonder. Perhaps I’ll study the way your eyebrows almost form a uni-brow.
- The Distracted Kiss
- I can kiss you, then look at my watch or read a book behind your back. If there is a game on TV, that’s even better, because then I can cheer when my team scores and scream into your mouth.
- The Giggly Kiss
- I can giggle and chuckle as we kiss. The more passionate you are, the harder I’ll laugh. I might even spill some saliva on your shirt because I’m laughing so much.
- The Bad Breath Kiss
- I can eat lots of onions and garlic and other nasty-smelling food before I kiss you. If my breath is bad enough, it’ll seem like you’re making out with a septic tank.
- The Out-of-Breath Kiss
- I can pant like a dog while kissing you. Every few seconds I’ll gasp for fresh air. I’ll pop open my mouth to suck in oxygen as if I’m drowning underwater.
- The Noisy Kiss
- I can make lots of moaning and smacking noises. My moans can intensify as our kiss does, shaking the walls with our lip lock. Extra points if the neighbors complain of the noise.
- The Spiderman Kiss
- I can hang upside-down and kiss you, so our noses don’t mash together. This requires some dexterity and skill though. Plus, our tongues won’t be totally coordinated.
- The Just Barely Reaching Kiss
- I can stand away from you, stretch my neck out, and juuust barely reach your lips. Maybe they’ll just brush each other. Maybe the tips of our tongues will kinda sorta meet. But that will be it.
- The Jailhouse Kiss
- I can stand behind some bars and kiss you. In between our bodies will be cold, hard bars of steel that we can reach around in desperate agony, right before the guards come and drag us apart.
- The Ice-Tongue Kiss
- I can stick my tongue in some ice, then kiss you. You’ll get a mouth full of frosty tongue meat. Yea. You know you like it. Maybe I can add a little olive oil on my lips too…
- The Muzzle Kiss
- I can open my mouth wide and surround your lips with mine. My lips won’t actually touch yours. In fact, they will envelope your entire mouth with such totality that you won’t be able to speak or shout for help.
- The Hero’s Kiss
- I can hold onto your back and dip you in a dramatic fashion, as if I’m a war hero in a sailor’s uniform. You can even pretend to be a nurse too. I’ll dip you back, as far back as I can go, and plant a big wet sloppy on you with such passion that your body will go numb.
- The Eskimo Kiss
- I can rub my nose on your nose back and forth gently. No lips, no tongue, just noses.
- The Perfect Kiss
- I can kiss you because I love you.
“I just don’t get chicks.”
With a coffee in hand, I leaned back and regarded my friend. “C’mon man, who really ever gets chicks?”
“Did I tell you about that date I had last weekend? It was with this girl I really liked, but throughout the date, she didn’t seem that interested in me?”
I nodded.
“Well, I asked her out again just for the heck of it.”
“And?”
He shifted in his seat. “And she said, ‘Sure! I had a great time and would love to.’”
There was a pause. Then: “Oh wow, really?”
He nodded. “I really don’t get chicks. At all.”
“So, then, uh, what made you think she wasn’t interested originally?”
He sat back in his seat and sighed. “Let me count the ways. First, she said she already ate dinner and wasn’t hungry. Then, when I asked if she wanted dessert, she said ‘No.’ Then I had to go to the bathroom, and she was on her Blackberry before I even got to my feet. Then she looked at her watch and said, ‘Wow, it is late. I think I should be going now.’ And it was 9pm.”
I scratched my chin and hmm’ed.
“Then I walked her to her car and asked her what she had planned for the rest of the night. She said, ‘Oh nothing. Just going to chill and watch TV.’ Finally, she gave me a junior high school dance hug and that was it.”
“What?!” I jumped in my seat. “Ouch man.”
“Right?”
“That totally sounds like she’s not interested.”
“I know!”
We both sat there in silence, staring at our stale coffees. A fly buzzed by. Somewhere, outside, a car honked.
“So do you think she was lying about having a good time? Maybe this is just a pity second date?”
He shrugged. “Do girls even do pity dates?”
“Sure, why not. Or maybe she’s just clueless about dating? And doesn’t know how to show interest or anything?”
Another shrug. “I really don’t know. In fact, I almost didn’t email her again for this second date.”
“Hmm. So why did you?”
“She gave off such mixed signals. During the date, we had great conversation and lots of common interests. Sometimes our conversation flowed nicely. We have a lot of similarities. But towards the end, she just seemed like she was in a rush. Like she had other things on her mind.”
“Ah. Maybe she did have other things on her mind then. Maybe she had to rush home to call up some other guy she’s dating too?”
Another shrug. “Who knows?”
I swirled my coffee around. “Or maybe… she has a yest infection or something. And was really itching and had to go home to get some powder.”
“Or maybe it’s PMS.” We laughed. “There are so many possibilities.”
“True. You’ll never know for sure until you do this second date with her. You’ve already seen how some girls act totally differently on a second date. Maybe she will too.”
“Yea.”
We slowly sipped our stale coffees. The sounds of traffic rattled the windows. Somebody coughed.
“But there is a great moral to this story.”
My ears perked up. “Oh? Do tell.”
“Don’t try to guess what is going on in the mind of someone you’ve only known an hour. The human mind wants to fill in the details. To make the unknown, known. But in reality, there are just too many possibilities… To many unknowns… And too many assumptions.”
“Wise words, man. Wise words. Is that your key to understanding chicks?”
“No. That’s my way of trying to understand anyone. But chicks in particular… I just don’t get chicks.”
