Category: Car & Driving
How many times have you been away from home and hit with the need to, uh, create brown seed? To drop the kids off at the pool? To excrete fecal matter from your rectum? (What, too vivid?)
I’ve been there. I might be walking around in a city or driving around in suburbia when suddenly, I break out in a sweat. Last night’s dinner is knock, knock, knocking on the back door. A working toilet becomes my goal in life. Nothing else matters except excavational bliss.
So I hunt. I hunt for amiable facilities. With nerve-chilling suspense and utter determination, I reach my objective and let out a wistful sigh. The deed is done. All is right with the world again.
Over the years, I’ve repeated this performance enough to discern efficient search patterns. Patterns that I’m going to share with you today, because, well, I’m just that kind of guy.
Here is a list of what I’ve found to be the best places for a public restroom, more or less in order of cleanliness. Please note that this list only pertains to the United States. If you’re reading this from another country, you should totally put together your own list and let me know in the comments.
- Large Hotel Chains
- Walk in like you’re a guest or conference attendee and stroll right over to a directory or building map. I don’t think hotel employees care if you’re not one of those, but it might make you feel less self-conscious. Hotel chains like Marriot, Westin, even Holiday Inn have public restrooms. Generally, only guests and employees use them, so you can except clean and well-stocked facilities.
- Large Bookstore Chains
- Stores like Barnes & Noble and Borders Books often have public bathrooms. The ubiquity of these stores makes them good options as well. Their bathrooms generally aren’t too heavily trafficked, clean, and well-stocked, though I’ve seen exceptions.
- Department Stores
- Large department stores like Macy’s, JC Penny’s, and even some Targets have public restrooms. They aren’t always the cleanest, but are usually above-average. For an added bonus, if you can find a Nordstrom’s, you’re golden. Those guys take care of their restrooms well. Their bathrooms are like royalty compared to the commonfolk bathrooms of Sears.
- Colleges and Universities
- I wouldn’t recommend a grade or high school at all (that’s just creepy), but sometimes a higher-education facility can offer a building with public bathrooms. It has become rarer and rarer though, as many require some form of student identification. And with good reason. If I was a student there, I’m not sure I’d want some random person laying a stink in my school’s bathrooms.
- Government Buildings
- Most government buildings have metal detectors that ward off easy access. They also monitor suspicious activity, like someone snooping around for a bathroom. But I’ve seen some city halls that are totally open and have relatively clean facilities. Courts are not generally clean though; I guess criminals clog toilet bowls to get back at the system. Yes, stuffing a toilet bowl is the perfect way to stick it to The Man.
- Hospitals
- If you happen to be near a hospital, you can consider ducking into their hallways in search of a public restroom. The quality of care can vary significantly, as well as the difficulty of finding some restrooms. Also, you can’t help but wonder if you’re going to catch something while gracing their porcelain seats.
- Museums and Art Galleries
- Most museums and art galleries require a fee to enter. There are a few that are entirely free though, or waive their fees on certain days. You may have to wait in line at the more popular places and their facilities are just average. But when you’re done, you can take in some culture to replace the, uh, culture you just dumped.
- Bars and Restaurants
- Most of these places discourage non-patrons from using their facilities. In a crowded bar or restaurant, you could conceivably duck in without drawing too much attention though. Just pretend you are a patron, if possible. Fast food restaurants tend not to care as much as sit-down restaurants.
- Cafes
- Same as bars and restaurants, these places discourage non-patrons. They also have just one bathroom. So unless you are in truly dire straits and don’t mind the dirty stares & impatient knocks, this can be a last resort. Otherwise, you can just buy a cup of coffee. Just don’t bring it into the bathroom with you. Gross.
- Gas Stations
- I consider these an utter last-resort. They are usually filthy and not well-stocked. Just looking at the toilet bowl can give you herpes. But hey, when you gotta go, you gotta go.
- Parks
- Another utter last-resort. Some public parks have restrooms. They are usually filthy and not well-stocked, if at all. Plus, the toilet seats are usually cold and swarming with colonies of who-knows-what that might make it burn when you pee.
P.S. And yes, there’s an app for that. There are quite a few iPhone apps that will find restrooms near you. I haven’t found any to be that helpful yet, but hopefully over time, they will improve.
Did you know there’s a caste system with cars? You’ve probably seen it before on the highway. Chances are, you’ve probably unconsciously supported it too. Yea, YOU, you car bigot.
The Car Caste System is fixed and based on the prestige of your car, as indicated by its cost, age, size, and speed. You yourself can move up and down the caste with each car you own. But your car remains in a fixed position in the Car Caste System, no matter your actual social standing. This is why people buy expensive cars — for the perceived social mobility afforded by the automobile.
If you are ever in a yield situation, where it’s either you or the other car, generally the car in the higher tier will jump in first, regardless of who has the right of way. This isn’t an absolute rule, of course. Many kind and law-abiding souls exist in all caste levels. But in absence of rules, laws, and consideration, the car in the higher tier will take precedence.
What do I mean? The next time you’re driving, pay attention to the car that is merging into your lane. If it is a BMW, are you more apt to let it in? What if the car was a Honda? Or an old beat-up station wagon with a missing bumper? I’m going to bet that there’s a slight subconscious preference to a car in a higher level.
This yielding is a subtle show of respect. It is not entirely universal either. Some individuals carry such loathing for a particular type of automobile that they will never yield to it. The vast majority, however, may exhibit such unconscious nuances.
The upper echelon of the Car Caste System is made up of ultra-expensive luxury brands like Rolls Royce, Bentley, Ferrari and Lamborghini. They are the kind of cars for which ordinary people would need a home equity loan just to make the monthly car payments. The maintenance for these cars costs more than the average person’s annual salary. Only a small percentage of the population can afford these cars, therefore only a relative few exist in this social stratum.
The next tier is comprised of luxury brands like BMW, Mercedes Benz, Lexus, and Cadillac. These cars are within the range of most high-income families, though some middle-income families purchase them as well, financially tying them to years of expensive car payments.
Many regard these echelons with jealousy, disdain, and even a bit of awe. Mostly jealousy though. However, the upper tier carries more intensity of emotion on all counts. In some posh neighborhoods, the lower tier brands are such a common sight that they are the Hondas and Toyotas of these communities.
In the average neighborhood, these two levels typically own the road — or at least, some of their drivers think they do. Within the Car Caste System, they are the landlords, the royalty, and the white-collar executives. Some will weave through traffic and expect other drivers to part for them. This rarely happens, but they unconsciously expect it anyways.
Sports cars make up another band. There is some overlap with the upper echelon and lower tiers, as many manufacturers create sports cars. Typical brands here include Corvette, Audi, BMW, and Ferrari. There is also a niche of street racers using highly-tuned cars from Honda, Toyota, Mazda, and Infiniti.
Cars at this caste level are characterized by their high speeds and a penchant for attracting the ire of law enforcement officials. Their drivers live at 80mph and higher — usually higher. Others view this level with jealousy and disdain, though its members hold high esteem for those that display high driving skills.
In their eyes, they are analogous to the soldiers and warriors of the Car Caste System. In the eyes of other people, they are more like bratty teenage jocks. They believe own the road and slice through traffic like it was standing still. This obviously fosters their impression of being arrogant, though sports car drivers arrogantly don’t mind. They judge themselves not in terms of their absolute speed, but their speed relative to others on the street. If they aren’t passing other cars quickly, they aren’t driving fast enough.
Family passenger cars fall into a wide band. Either sedans or coupes, these cars make up the majority of street denizens. Common brands such as Honda, Toyota, Ford, and GM are readily affordable. Therefore, they are the masses, the commoners, the blue-collar workers of the Car Caste System.
SUVs, pick-up trucks, vans and minivans make up another tier. The size of their vehicles overshadows others, impeding visibility and slowing down traffic. Their bulk is both an advantage and disadvantage — for cargo space and for fuel efficiency, respectively. Brands across the spectrum manufacture such vehicles, such as Lexus, Ford, Chevy, and Nissan.
Their size makes them the morbidly and arrogantly obese members of the Car Caste System. They are tolerated by some but disdained by others. However, some differentiations exist within this level. SUVs are the morbidly and arrogantly obese, pick-up trucks are the blue-collar workers, vans are older blue-collar workers, and minivans are the soccer Moms. Yes, it is difficult to dissuade the image of minivans and soccer Moms.
Old, beat-up automobiles are at the bottom of the Car Caste System. Almost any pre-1999 vehicle falls into this bucket, across all brands. These cars are ridden with chipped paint, rust spots, and dents. They may bleed black exhaust, utter horrible noises, and shudder while they operate. Coming in all forms, they can be passenger cars, pick-up trucks, or station wagons.
Sadly, no one cares about the bottom of the bucket. Well, they care enough to turn their nose up at them, but that’s about it. Regarded as a mere annoyance, they aren’t even afforded a level of disdain; they simply aren’t worth that emotion. All things being equal, rarely will someone yield to an old beater.
Thus, the bigotry of the Car Caste System. Is it fair? No, it’s not fairer than any other caste system. Sentiments of prejudice and unconscious respect run deep in many aspects of life, including cars.
After you read this, pay heed to the cars around you. Watch that car merging into your lane. Were you about to let it in? If you strip out unspoken rules, laws, and consideration, what would you have done? Did the type of car matter?
It did? You car bigot.
Ever get a phone call from a ghost?
A friend of a friend did. True story. Here’s what happened.
She was driving alone in the evening. The sun was down and blackness surrounded her. Occasional headlights littered her view. Otherwise, the highway in front of her was as black as the sky.
It was around 10:00 PM. Her cell phone was with her. Unfortunately, she didn’t have a chance to use it before it happened.
Another car hopped the divider and charged towards her. The bright lights flooded her with its brilliant glare. She couldn’t see what was going on. She barely had any time to react.
The other car struck her head-on.
Even though she had her seat belt on, the force of the collision killed her instantly. That’s what the coroner reported later. At least she didn’t have to suffer.
The other driver was drunk. A senseless and avoidable tragedy.
Her family was alerted as soon as it happened. Their grief was horrible. Agonizing. It’s unbearable to feel the loss of a daughter.
Her friends heard about it soon thereafter. One friend couldn’t believe it. She even doubted it. How can you accept that a good friend, someone you were just talking to, is suddenly gone, forever?
Then she got the phone call.
It was her. Plain as day, her name appeared on the caller ID. See, she couldn’t be dead. She’s calling right now. The friend answered the phone.
Silence.
“Hello? Hello?” She called her friend’s name out several times. Still, no sound. Then the dial tone.
The friend dropped her phone. Icicles sliced through her spine. She shivered, even though it was a warm summer night.
The friend checked with the police later. Did someone use her phone? Maybe make the call by accident?
No, the phone was turned off and in police custody at the time of the call. It was later returned to the family. But no living person was using the phone at that time.
Was she trying to reach out to her friend one last time? What was she trying to say? Why that friend and not her family? And if that wasn’t her, who—or what—made that call?
It’s one of those mysteries we may never be able to answer in this lifetime. But perhaps, in the next life, we’ll learn the answer.
- Setting:
- I’m on the phone with my girlfriend. She is in her car at a fast food drive-thru. There is a car ahead of her in the line.
- Girlfriend:
- …and then I have to complete ten more reports before getting into work tomorrow and… um… hmm, that was weird. The person in front of me is waving at me. I wonder if I know that guy.
- Me:
- Really? Is he from work?
- GF:
- I don’t think so. I don’t recognize him. Oh well. So if I work tonight, maybe I can get most of it done. Then I can wake up early and…
- Guy from Car in Front:
- Hey! What, you’re too busy to say Hi?
- GF:
- Yelling to guy in car. Oh, um, Hi. Do I…
- GFCIF:
- Hi beautiful! You are so beautiful!
- GF:
- Oh, heh, thanks…
- GFCIF:
- Do you have a boyfriend?
- GF:
- Yea, I’m on the phone with him right now.
- GFCIF:
- Oh, okay. He’s a very lucky guy to have a beautiful girl like you. Tell him he’s a lucky guy.
- GF:
- Heh, okay. Talking to me again. Did you hear that honey? You’re a lucky guy. Hehe.
- Me:
- I know! I’m so lucky to have a beautiful girl like you!
- GF:
- Giggles. Oh my gosh, that was so weird.
- Me:
- Hehe. I’m not surprised. Beautiful girl like you, this must happen all the time.
- GF:
- No way. And I look like a total mess today too! I just got out of work! Why do these guys always try to pick me up when I’m at my worst?
- Me:
- Babe, you’re always beautiful. There’s never a time you’re not beautiful. See, that guy thinks so too!
- GFCIF:
- Mumbles something.
- GF:
- I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that.
- GFCIF:
- Can I give you a call or something?
- GF:
- No, no thank you.
- Me:
- Wow, that dude is persistent.
- GF:
- Yea, my gosh.
- GFCIF:
- Have a great night, beautiful!
- GF:
- Okay, thanks, you too.
- Me:
- That was classy.
- GF:
- Laughs. I know, right? Welcome to my neighborhood. Where a girl can get picked up at a fast-food drive-thru at night.
You know what is a rapidly depreciating capital asset? A new car. You’re not thinking of buying one, are you? Are you??
Good, I didn’t think so. Especially not in this economy.
What? Car prices have dropped, you say? For some cars, maybe. And sure, with the tough economy and unemployment woes, less customers means less demand and lower prices. The underlying economics of automobile value and depreciation hasn’t changed though.
What do I mean? First, a new car loses about 20% of its value as soon as it is driven off the dealer’s lot. Yup. 20%, give or take a few percentage points. That’s a darn hefty sum.
The next few years of the car’s life also earn a depreciation. But not as much as its fourth or fifth year. Right around there, its value drops like seagull poop onto a fresh haircut.
Why this sudden drop? Around this time, most cars begin needing a series of major repairs and maintenance work, like replacing the timing belt, brake pads, radiator hoses, and maybe even all of the tires. Even if the car has been babied, it will still need some work.
Everyone knows cars drop in value over time. So if it experiences a second drop after driving off the dealer’s lot, so what? If it’s inevitable, there’s no sense in crying, right?
Nah. But there is a way to minimize your pain and save a ton of money. If you time it right, you could conceivably drive a semi-new car every three years almost for free!
No, that’s no sales pitch. I’m not a used car salesman trying to pull a sham. I’ll leave that to the Viagra spammers (enlarge Mr. Johnson in just five days!).
Here’s the deal. Some cars retain their value fairly well in between their first year and fifth year of life. So if you buy a slightly used car (roughly a year old), then sell it in about three years, the difference to you won’t be a lot. You’ll be able to retain much of your capital.
Who needs a wasteful car lease when you can hop from car ownership to car ownership? That’s right; car leases are almost always bad. Well, that’s not universally true. But the amount of research effort it takes to find a good deal is generally beyond the typical American attention span.
So don’t buy a brand new car. Buy one that’s around a year old. Then enjoy the comfort and freedom of your own car for three years. When you sell it, it will still have most of its value intact. With the money from the sale, go out and buy another year-old car.
Not a bad deal, huh? The cars that retain their value the best are the usual culprits: Hondas and Toyotas. Also currently on that list, perhaps surprisingly, are Porsche 911s, BMW 3 series & M3s, Mini Coopers, Mercedes-Benz SL & SLKs, Infiniti G35s, Subaru Impreza WRXs, and cars from Honda & Toyota’s luxury nameplates: Acura and Lexus respectively.
Cars that have great engineering, great fuel economy, and high demand year-over-year (such as Porsche 911s) retain the best value. That’s just a rule of thumb, however. Automobile depreciation rates change over time and are ultimately at the mercy of market conditions, manufacturer supply, and consumer demand.
Because when clean energy vehicles become the norm, none of these gas guzzlers will hold much residual value. Hope hope hope!
If you want to be a geek, check out Kelly Blue Book for their annual reports on vehicle depreciation. Every year, they release a list of automobile depreciation forecasts. It’s good stuff.
So are you still considering a rapidly depreciating capital asset? If so, at least consider one that isn’t going to drop tremendously in value. And if you play it right, you can even minimize your losses. Don’t buy a brand new car; buy one that’s around a year old. Then sell it in three years for another slightly used car.
Happy car shopping!
I was moving down to Los Angeles when I got Ray’s call. “Hey Mike, want to work for Yahoo?”
I rolled up my window. “What? Did you say Yahoo?” The flat plains of Central California blurred past me as I sped down the I-5.
“Yea. We’re looking to hire some developers. Can you come in for an interview?”
“When? Now?”
“Yea, as soon as you can. We need to hire some developers very soon.”
I looked down at my odometer. “Okay. But, um, I’m on my way to LA.”
“LA?”
“Yea. I was going to move down there. Where is Yahoo located?”
“Sunnyvale, in Silicon Valley.” Ray paused. “You don’t want to live in the Bay Area anymore?”
“Oh, no no no.” I shook my head. “I love the Bay Area. It’s just that, with the dot-bomb and our company going out of business and all the lay-offs, I didn’t think there would be anyone hiring in Silicon Valley anymore.”
“Well, there is. Yahoo. Are you…”
“Wow. Yea. I’d totally be interested!”
“Good!” Ray sounded happier. “Looks like I called you just in time!”
“You did!” I watched my odometer as I slowed down to 70mph. (Don’t ask how fast I was going originally.) “If you called a few days later, I might have settled down in LA.”
“That would have been bad. Can you come in for an interview next Monday?”
I looked at my watch. “Next Monday? That’s just in two days.”
“Yea. Is that too soon?”
“Heck no, I’ll come back up for Yahoo!”
“Great!” I could almost hear Ray nodding. “I’ll have HR contact you to set up the interview.”
“Awesome! Thanks man!”
“Thank you! See you next Monday.”
And that’s how I started my 5+ career at Yahoo!—just in the nick of time. As quickly as I sped down the I-5. Fate’s funny that way.
A woman that drives a Mustang convertible is very different from a woman that drives a Civic hybrid. You know it’s true. You’ve no doubt met both kinds of women before. And I’m sure you’ll agree: there’s a world of difference.
So what does a car say about a woman? How are they different? Let’s find out.
- A Beater
- This woman is probably a social worker or in the non-profit sector. She doesn’t wear a lot of make-up and may not shave her armpits. Probably likes to smoke the wacky weed too, so she can forget how miserable her life is.
- A Compact Car (like a Civic or Corolla)
- This woman is the girl-next-door. She’s sweet, practical, caring, and probably likes to make scrapbooks. There may be some stuffed animals on her bed or in her bedroom somewhere. Friends and boyfriends like her because she’s so dependable; players and con-men like her because she’s so innocent and naïve.
- A Mid-sized or Full-Sized Car (like an Accord or Camry)
- This woman may have a family (or at least kids) or a hand-me-down from her Daddy. She’s probably husband hunting or babysits often for her married friends, which in turn makes her want a husband even more.
- A Luxury Car (like a BMW or Lexus)
- This woman likes power and may have it too. She’s an anal type-A personality who is ambitious, aggressive, and likes her men at her command, both at work and in the bedroom. May also be high-maintenance, moreso emotionally, since she can handle herself materially.
- A 4WD/AWD Car (like a Subaru of some kind)
- This woman is probably a lesbian. She either loves the outdoors or other women. Sleeping under the stars or with another girl is something she likes to do. Neither dirt under her fingernails nor a jungle under her panties bother her.
- A Minivan
- This woman is a soccer Mom. Unless you like MILFs, stay away; she’s taken. She’s very involved in the lives of her children, for better (knowing all of their birthdays and favorite foods) or worse (signs them up for all kinds of classes, even if they don’t want them).
- An SUV
- This woman may also be a soccer MILF, I mean Mom, except she’s a little more hip to current trends. May also be an outdoorsy girl who likes to go hiking, camping, snowboarding (or skiing), and has probably had sex outdoors before (or really wants to).
- A Hybrid
- This woman is environmentally friendly and wants the world to know. She’s smug about her views and openly chides other people for not recycling. Be careful, she may not shave her legs also.
- A Pick-Up Truck
- This woman is one tough cookie. She may be a redneck with biceps as thick as her thighs, or married to one. Don’t cross her, because she may have a shotgun as well. May be aggressive and somewhat sadistic in the bedroom. May also have a farmer’s daughter skirt for kinky role-playing too.
- A Sports Car
- This woman likes speed and power. Her dominance and control issues make her privately insecure and publicly a tyrant. Her ex-boyfriends probably call her a man-eater, but if you can handle her, she’ll drive you wild.
- A Station Wagon
- This woman has a family and kids. She uses the station wagon for grocery shopping and faithfully clips her coupons everyday. May work harder than her husband since she’s probably a homemaker, though she never lets on that she does.
- A Convertible
- This woman likes the sun on her face and the wind in her hair. She probably likes hot kinky sex as well. May be laid back and like lying back in the car to look at the stars. May also be high-maintenance, both materially and emotionally (which totally contradicts the laid-back part, I know; This woman is complex).
- A Motorcycle
- This woman likes the feeling of power between her legs. She’s an outdoorsy girl with a deathwish and has probably had broken bones before. May not listen to reason and typically wins arguments by force of will alone. Don’t mess with her; she may have lots of large biker friends.
- No Car
- This woman probably lives in a large city and knows the public transportation system inside-out. She’s tough, street-wise, and always on the look-out for potential thieves, rapists, and con-men. May have an active sex life with whom she discusses with three quirky friends of varying personality types that always reply with witty banter.
She was stubborn and slow, but reliable like a workhorse. Not too pretty, but nice and faithful. My old 1991 Honda Accord, I mean.
A boxy four-door with automatic seat belts and chipped paint, she was as fast as a tortoise. Except she wasn’t about to win any races. She was so slow that if I didn’t put my foot all the way down on the gas pedal, I’d wind up back in 1881.
In other words, she wasn’t that impressive. And the girls I dated while I had her weren’t impressed either.
I purchased her for a few hundred bucks. She was in good shape for her age, had good mileage, and could last a few more years. In work parlance, she was known as a “beater”—a reliable commuter car that I didn’t mind beating up. I got into a fender bender once and didn’t care at all about the scratches. They just blended in with the other scratches. As long as she could take me to work and back, that’s all that mattered.
My daily commute was 50 miles one way, 100 miles roundtrip. That meant I needed to drive 2,000 miles a month to and from work. Driving a sports or luxury car with that kind of punishment was, well, just cruel. That’s like shaving a cat and calling him Slim.
Thus, my 1991 Honda Accord. A practical, financially-sound solution to my commute problem. For a few hundred bucks, I could throw 2,000 miles a month onto it and pay relatively little for gas. Life was good.
Unfortunately, while my finances flowed, my dates ebbed. One date laughed at the cassette deck and said, “Oh my God, I haven’t seen one of these since I was a little girl.” Another jumped when the automatic seat belts wrapped around her shoulder. “I hate automatic seat belts!” she declared.
Friends told me not to worry. “You don’t want a girl who cares about your car,” they’d say. “You want a girl who likes you for you.”
Sure. And seagulls explode when you give them Alka-Seltzer.
Whether you want to admit it or not, a guy is judged by the car he drives. Sometimes it happens subconsciously, sometimes it happens consciously. But it happens.
Why? Because deep down, every woman wants to know that their man can be a good provider, or at least successful in his own right. A car is an indicator of success, in other words, just like his watch, belt, and shoes (yup, women look at all those things too).
How in the world is a car an indicator of success, you ask? It’s just a superficial item, right? Why should it matter if a guy likes his old, fuel-efficient, and reliable beater? Why should he be judged less than the guy who leases a BMW he can barely afford?
Here’s why: different cars tell women different things about a guy. Such as:
- A Beater
- This guy is cheap, frugal, and probably an annoying penny-pincher. A guy who knows how to save up is attractive, but a cheapskate isn’t.
- A Newer Compact Car (like a Civic or Corolla)
- This guy is cost-conscious, yet is able to afford a more modern car with contemporary luxuries, like electric windows and a CD-player. He’s not a flashy guy, probably pretty humble and unassuming, yet caring and conscientious.
- A Newer Mid-Sized or Full-Sized Car (like an Accord or Camry)
- This guy may have a family, or at least kids. He may be the constant chauffeur or designated driver among his friends. While he’s probably steadfast and reliable, he might not be all that much fun (in bed).
- A Luxury Car (like a BMW or Lexus)
- This guy has money, or at least likes to act like he does. Could be successful, ambitious, and have a good career. May have enough disposable income for the extra niceties in life (can you say Sugar Daddy?), but may be an arrogant bastard as well.
- A 4WD/AWD Car (like a Subaru of some kind)
- This guy is a rugged outdoorsman. He likes to snowboard (not ski), backpack across long distances, hike, mountain climb, swim, and maybe even go dirt biking. He loves the outdoors and always has dirt under his fingernails.
- An SUV
- This guy may have similar traits to the 4WD/AWD guy, except without much concern for the environment.
- A Hybrid Car
- This guy totally loves the environment and wants to let the world know. He recycles almost everything and will chide you if you don’t sort out your trash appropriately. Could be idealistic, pompous, and a little smug.
- A Pick-Up Truck
- This guy is a rugged redneck who loves the outdoors. He especially loves shooting little animals with a shotgun (perhaps to compensate for something, hmm?) while outdoors. Loves country music, beer, and NASCAR races. Also loves his family, especially his sister (ahem).
- A Sports Car
- This guy is aggressive, arrogant, knows what he wants, and gets what he wants. He likes to live life hard and fast, and may like his women hard and fast as well. Every day with him is packed with fun, but if you can’t keep up, you’ll be left in the dust.
- A Station Wagon
- This guy also may have kids. Or he might be a mass murderer who uses the station wagon to transport bodies and digging equipment. Could be a practical guy with retro tastes and likes to stand out from the crowd, or an old-fashioned guy who’s not up on trends and is boring (in bed).
- A Motorcycle
- This guy has a wild spirit and a death wish. He ignores his Mom’s pleas and likes to ride the open road, skirting between rush hour traffic and baking in thick leather gear. May be a selfish adventure-seeker who’s just as crazy in bed as he is in his head.
- No Car
- This guy lives in the city and sees no need for a car. He’s practical and knows the public transportation system inside-out. If you want an excursion out of the city, however, he’ll look at you funny, then ask why you’d ever want to leave the city.
You don’t necessarily need a new, expensive car. Only a car that isn’t in utter disrepair (or has an automatic seatbelt). Women will judge a man’s car, even if they do it unconsciously.
You need not drive a leased BMW you can barely afford. But if you drive an old beater, however, then she’s not going to think you’re a good provider—she’s going to think you’re a cheap, penny-pinching old beater too.
So you’ve decided you want a convertible. Good for you! It’s the perfect car for bathing in the sun’s warm vibrancy and rinsing with a cool, crisp draft. Each drive will leave you refreshed and reborn.
Owning a convertible automobile comes with a different set of responsibilities, concerns, and features though. For the uninitiated, it’s not like a traditional car. To help with your buying decision, here are some tips.
- Get Heated Seats
- It’s so much fun to drive with the top down that you’ll invariable hit cold air one day. On that day, you’ll thank me for suggesting heated seats. They’ll warm your bum with toasty goodness. If you’re a guy thinking, “I can take the cold; I don’t need no heated seats,” consider the ladies who’ll be sitting in your passenger seat. Don’t their bums need toasty lovin’ too?
- Check the Heating Vents
- Compare the heating vents of various convertibles while test driving on the highway. Some convertibles are able to blast hot air voluptuously. Others release only a wimpy fart. On those cold days, a stream of heat will be endearing. Make sure the convertible you choose can roar heat.
- Leave Jackets in the Convertible
- Another way to stay warm is to stash a few jackets for you and your passengers. Leave the jackets in the trunk so you don’t invite thieves perusing your back seat for easy treasures. If you have a four-seater, your rear passengers can get especially cold since heated seats and vents aren’t provided for them (unless manufacturers start offering this feature, hint hint).
- Consider a Windscreen
- This is optional but very helpful, especially for those with long hair. A windscreen fits onto the back seat and cuts down the wind dramatically. If you’re cruising the highway with the top down, raise your windows and set up your windscreen; you’ll be able to get the sun and only a little of the wind. Ladies with long hair will be thankful they don’t end up with hair whiplash.
- Leave Sunscreen in the Glove Compartment
- Why improve your chances for skin cancer if you don’t have to? Since you’ll be exposed to more sun than others drivers, go for a sunscreen with a high SPF rating. It will come in handy on spontaneously sunny days. Also consider sunglasses.
- Consider a Light-Colored Interior
- The color black absorbs more heat than other colors. Go for a light-colored interior to avoid scorching hot seats while driving under the sun. However, many newer convertibles have heat-reflective coats on their interiors, lowering the heat absorption rate of black interiors a bit.
- Consider a Hard-Top vs a Soft-Top
- More and more convertibles have hard-tops now. They add to the structural integrity of the car (adding slightly to safety), hold in more heat, reduce driving noise, require less maintenance than soft-tops, and remove the worry of thieves & vandals cutting your soft-top. Unfortunately, they are more expensive (especially in repairs), add to the weight of the car (reducing performance and handling), and decrease the amount of trunk space available.
- Ask About the Soft-Top Maintenance
- If you go for a soft-top, inquire about the maintenance required. Soft-tops can come in a variety of materials: cloth, vinyl, or even leather. Some will need special shampoos, sealants, and special care instructions. A lint roller for cloth tops can be handy too.
- Ask About the Interior Maintenance
- Convertibles require more maintenance on their interiors than traditional cars, especially if you drive with the top down often. There may be special sealants and waxes you can purchase for your interior.
- Inspect the Soft-Top
- If you go for a used soft-top convertible, examine the top thoroughly. Look for tears, rips, and other damage. Replacing a convertible’s top can be expensive. Some wear and tear will be inevitable; what you don’t want are actual holes, cracks, or extremely worn spots.
- Be Aware of Theft & Vandalism
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- If you go for a soft-top, the chances of theft and vandalism are higher. This means you should be careful where you park; avoid high-crime, poorly-lit streets at night. Consider paying for parking in a garage, if anything, for some peace of mind.
- Ask About Roll-bar Protection
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- Some newer convertibles have strong enough windshield pillars that they’ll prop the car up should it flip over. Many also have roll-bars built into the frame or are activated when the car is upside-down. Make sure the convertible you choose has safety features for such accidents.
- Be Aware of Cornering Differences
- Since the body of a convertible isn’t as structurally rigid as a traditional car (due to the lack of a roof), it will twist slightly when taking hard turns. What this means is that convertibles won’t perform as well when cornering at high speeds. For performance-minded drivers, you can purchase aftermarket front and rear stabilizer bars for added rigidity.
- Check the Trunk Space
- Convertibles will never have as much trunk space as regular cars. But some offer more space than others. Most convertible roadsters won’t have enough space for traditional luggage, while most convertible coupes can fit maybe two pieces of luggage.
- Check the Driving Noise
- Convertibles are not quiet cars, even with the top down. Hard-top convertibles will generally be quieter than soft-tops, but all will exhibit some kind of noise (such as interior rattling, wind, engine, and tire noises). Some convertibles are quieter than others, however.
- Consider Quiet Tires
- Some tires are made to reduce driving noise. They aren’t always offered by default however, so you may have to buy them separately. Good quality quiet tires will reduce driving noise considerably.
- Check the Music System
- If you like listening to music while driving, you’ll need a fairly powerful music system when driving with the top down. As you compare convertibles, turn up the volume on the highway. Is it loud enough over the wind noise? Many convertibles also offer premium sound systems for extra money.
- Check the Rear Visibility
- The rear windows of convertibles generally aren’t as large as in regular cars. This means there can be significant blind spots. Watch out for this. Of course, when the top is down, you won’t have this problem. But when driving in reverse, you’ll have to be more careful.
- Check the Rear Window’s Material
- Many older convertibles have plastic rear windows. These windows cloud up and become opaque over the years, requiring expensive replacements. Avoid plastic rear windows if possible. Most newer convertibles use glass rear windows now, which don’t have this problem.
- Be Aware of the MPG
- Convertibles aren’t as fuel-efficient as traditional cars because of the increased wind drag. When the top is down, this is especially true. You’ll spend far more on gas with a convertible than with a traditional car. Luxury convertibles may require premium gas too, further increasing your fuel costs.
- Buy During the Winter
- Sales of convertibles surge during hot, sunny summers, of course. For the best deals, make your purchase during the winter. You’ll have more negotiation leverage then, as dealers are eager to get the convertibles off their lots.
And most importantly, have fun! You’re going to love owning a convertible!
I did it; I sold my baby. She’s gone now, gone forever. Sniff.
It’s a very emotional decision, you know, to sell one’s baby. There are attachment issues, breaking that bond of love, saying goodbye. Not to mention accurate pricing and market demand.
The baby I’m talking about is my old 1993 BMW 325is coupe, of course.
(What, did you think I really had a human baby I was selling? Nooo… But if you want one, let me know. I know a guy who knows a guy…)
Though I wasn’t the first owner of the BMW, I loved that car. You ever get attached to a car? Where when you have to part with it, you actually feel sad? Sniff.
Or… maybe it’s just me? (You cold-hearted bastard.)
I took my baby all over the Bay Area. Up and down the 101 and 280, north as far as Mendocino, south as far as Carmel. Never to Lake Tahoe or Los Angeles though; my first car in California, a 2000 Ford Mustang convertible, had that honor (that was my first baby).
I doted on my BMW baby. Wash her almost every weekend, and always by hand. Cleaned and conditioned her leather interior. Changed her oil more often than I needed to. Filled her up with premium fluids. (Hmm, that sounded dirty.)
She wasn’t without frustrations though. BMWs are notorious for electrical problems. One day, while driving to work, my speedometer just died. I was driving, but I had no idea how fast I was going. Replacing that was a pretty penny. So were the other various electrical problems.
My baby was sure high maintenance.
She was also expensive in terms of speeding tickets. But that was probably more of my fault, huh? I usually average a speeding ticket every eighteen months, which is exactly the period of time between allowable traffic school sessions. Fortunately, that meant I was always able to keep the points off my DMW record.
But to further complicate matters, she had tints on the side windows and a Dinan free flow exhaust. In case you don’t know, tinted side windows are illegal in California. And the Dinan exhaust had a noticeable roar—it wasn’t excessive, like some rice rockets, but it was noticeable.
Cops who wanted to give me an extra hard time would cite me for the tinted side windows and an aftermarket exhaust, requiring me to pay a fine or remove the tints and get a smog & noise check. Dammit.
But that’s not my problem anymore, is it? I posted an ad on Craigslist at 11:00am on a Saturday morning and she was sold by 8:00pm. The sale was hella quick; I thought I’d have the ad up there for a week at the least. (Maybe I should have asked for more money?)
And now she’s gone. My baby is gone, forever. Sniff. Bye baby!
