Category: Best Of
“Guess who I saw in the bathroom today?”
“Who?” we asked.
His eyes blazed and he jumped in his seat. We could tell he had something juicy to tell us.
“Our CEO.”
“Oh, that’s cool,” we answered. We’ve all seen our CEO from time to time around the office. This didn’t qualify as juicy at all.
“And get this—he walked out of the bathroom without washing his hands!”
“No way! What?!”
“Yea! He didn’t wash his hands!”
We laughed. Still not totally juicy, though. It was like squeezing a dry lemon. There were a few drops, but not enough to make your mouth pout.
“But wait, there’s more!”
We leaned in closer.
“Then I walked back to my desk. And there he was! Sitting in my chair!”
“What?!” We tried to imagine seeing our CEO sitting in our chair like it was his. Leaning back in the chair, feet up on the desk, lounging around like he owned the place. But it got even juicier.
“Yea! And—”
We leaned in closer.
“He was using my phone!”
“Ew, gross!” Our collective mouths dropped like a hot potato. Flies could’ve flown in easily, they were so wide. You could’ve tossed a whole lemon in there too.
“Yea! He waved a finger at me and said, ‘Is this your desk? I’m sorry, I’ll be finished in a minute.’”
“The same finger he didn’t wash?” we asked.
“Yea!”
“Ew, gross!”
“Yea!” There was a smirk in his face. The story wasn’t over yet. There was more juice to be had. A coup d’etat of juice.
“So I walked off for a bit. Got a coffee. Then came back, and there were crumbs on my desk!”
“What?” We tried to blink, but our eyelids were paralyzed. “Crumbs?”
“Yea, cookie crumbs! I think he ate a whole cookie at my desk. While he was talking on the phone. After coming from the bathroom. And not washing his hands.”
“Ewww! Groooss!” The juice of the story sheathed us with invisible slime. We shook in our seats and wiped imaginary filth from our bodies. By the time this juicy story was done, we all had to wash our hands.
“I just don’t get chicks.”
With a coffee in hand, I leaned back and regarded my friend. “C’mon man, who really ever gets chicks?”
“Did I tell you about that date I had last weekend? It was with this girl I really liked, but throughout the date, she didn’t seem that interested in me?”
I nodded.
“Well, I asked her out again just for the heck of it.”
“And?”
He shifted in his seat. “And she said, ‘Sure! I had a great time and would love to.’”
There was a pause. Then: “Oh wow, really?”
He nodded. “I really don’t get chicks. At all.”
“So, then, uh, what made you think she wasn’t interested originally?”
He sat back in his seat and sighed. “Let me count the ways. First, she said she already ate dinner and wasn’t hungry. Then, when I asked if she wanted dessert, she said ‘No.’ Then I had to go to the bathroom, and she was on her Blackberry before I even got to my feet. Then she looked at her watch and said, ‘Wow, it is late. I think I should be going now.’ And it was 9pm.”
I scratched my chin and hmm’ed.
“Then I walked her to her car and asked her what she had planned for the rest of the night. She said, ‘Oh nothing. Just going to chill and watch TV.’ Finally, she gave me a junior high school dance hug and that was it.”
“What?!” I jumped in my seat. “Ouch man.”
“Right?”
“That totally sounds like she’s not interested.”
“I know!”
We both sat there in silence, staring at our stale coffees. A fly buzzed by. Somewhere, outside, a car honked.
“So do you think she was lying about having a good time? Maybe this is just a pity second date?”
He shrugged. “Do girls even do pity dates?”
“Sure, why not. Or maybe she’s just clueless about dating? And doesn’t know how to show interest or anything?”
Another shrug. “I really don’t know. In fact, I almost didn’t email her again for this second date.”
“Hmm. So why did you?”
“She gave off such mixed signals. During the date, we had great conversation and lots of common interests. Sometimes our conversation flowed nicely. We have a lot of similarities. But towards the end, she just seemed like she was in a rush. Like she had other things on her mind.”
“Ah. Maybe she did have other things on her mind then. Maybe she had to rush home to call up some other guy she’s dating too?”
Another shrug. “Who knows?”
I swirled my coffee around. “Or maybe… she has a yest infection or something. And was really itching and had to go home to get some powder.”
“Or maybe it’s PMS.” We laughed. “There are so many possibilities.”
“True. You’ll never know for sure until you do this second date with her. You’ve already seen how some girls act totally differently on a second date. Maybe she will too.”
“Yea.”
We slowly sipped our stale coffees. The sounds of traffic rattled the windows. Somebody coughed.
“But there is a great moral to this story.”
My ears perked up. “Oh? Do tell.”
“Don’t try to guess what is going on in the mind of someone you’ve only known an hour. The human mind wants to fill in the details. To make the unknown, known. But in reality, there are just too many possibilities… To many unknowns… And too many assumptions.”
“Wise words, man. Wise words. Is that your key to understanding chicks?”
“No. That’s my way of trying to understand anyone. But chicks in particular… I just don’t get chicks.”
A woman that drives a Mustang convertible is very different from a woman that drives a Civic hybrid. You know it’s true. You’ve no doubt met both kinds of women before. And I’m sure you’ll agree: there’s a world of difference.
So what does a car say about a woman? How are they different? Let’s find out.
- A Beater
- This woman is probably a social worker or in the non-profit sector. She doesn’t wear a lot of make-up and may not shave her armpits. Probably likes to smoke the wacky weed too, so she can forget how miserable her life is.
- A Compact Car (like a Civic or Corolla)
- This woman is the girl-next-door. She’s sweet, practical, caring, and probably likes to make scrapbooks. There may be some stuffed animals on her bed or in her bedroom somewhere. Friends and boyfriends like her because she’s so dependable; players and con-men like her because she’s so innocent and naïve.
- A Mid-sized or Full-Sized Car (like an Accord or Camry)
- This woman may have a family (or at least kids) or a hand-me-down from her Daddy. She’s probably husband hunting or babysits often for her married friends, which in turn makes her want a husband even more.
- A Luxury Car (like a BMW or Lexus)
- This woman likes power and may have it too. She’s an anal type-A personality who is ambitious, aggressive, and likes her men at her command, both at work and in the bedroom. May also be high-maintenance, moreso emotionally, since she can handle herself materially.
- A 4WD/AWD Car (like a Subaru of some kind)
- This woman is probably a lesbian. She either loves the outdoors or other women. Sleeping under the stars or with another girl is something she likes to do. Neither dirt under her fingernails nor a jungle under her panties bother her.
- A Minivan
- This woman is a soccer Mom. Unless you like MILFs, stay away; she’s taken. She’s very involved in the lives of her children, for better (knowing all of their birthdays and favorite foods) or worse (signs them up for all kinds of classes, even if they don’t want them).
- An SUV
- This woman may also be a soccer MILF, I mean Mom, except she’s a little more hip to current trends. May also be an outdoorsy girl who likes to go hiking, camping, snowboarding (or skiing), and has probably had sex outdoors before (or really wants to).
- A Hybrid
- This woman is environmentally friendly and wants the world to know. She’s smug about her views and openly chides other people for not recycling. Be careful, she may not shave her legs also.
- A Pick-Up Truck
- This woman is one tough cookie. She may be a redneck with biceps as thick as her thighs, or married to one. Don’t cross her, because she may have a shotgun as well. May be aggressive and somewhat sadistic in the bedroom. May also have a farmer’s daughter skirt for kinky role-playing too.
- A Sports Car
- This woman likes speed and power. Her dominance and control issues make her privately insecure and publicly a tyrant. Her ex-boyfriends probably call her a man-eater, but if you can handle her, she’ll drive you wild.
- A Station Wagon
- This woman has a family and kids. She uses the station wagon for grocery shopping and faithfully clips her coupons everyday. May work harder than her husband since she’s probably a homemaker, though she never lets on that she does.
- A Convertible
- This woman likes the sun on her face and the wind in her hair. She probably likes hot kinky sex as well. May be laid back and like lying back in the car to look at the stars. May also be high-maintenance, both materially and emotionally (which totally contradicts the laid-back part, I know; This woman is complex).
- A Motorcycle
- This woman likes the feeling of power between her legs. She’s an outdoorsy girl with a deathwish and has probably had broken bones before. May not listen to reason and typically wins arguments by force of will alone. Don’t mess with her; she may have lots of large biker friends.
- No Car
- This woman probably lives in a large city and knows the public transportation system inside-out. She’s tough, street-wise, and always on the look-out for potential thieves, rapists, and con-men. May have an active sex life with whom she discusses with three quirky friends of varying personality types that always reply with witty banter.
She was stubborn and slow, but reliable like a workhorse. Not too pretty, but nice and faithful. My old 1991 Honda Accord, I mean.
A boxy four-door with automatic seat belts and chipped paint, she was as fast as a tortoise. Except she wasn’t about to win any races. She was so slow that if I didn’t put my foot all the way down on the gas pedal, I’d wind up back in 1881.
In other words, she wasn’t that impressive. And the girls I dated while I had her weren’t impressed either.
I purchased her for a few hundred bucks. She was in good shape for her age, had good mileage, and could last a few more years. In work parlance, she was known as a “beater”—a reliable commuter car that I didn’t mind beating up. I got into a fender bender once and didn’t care at all about the scratches. They just blended in with the other scratches. As long as she could take me to work and back, that’s all that mattered.
My daily commute was 50 miles one way, 100 miles roundtrip. That meant I needed to drive 2,000 miles a month to and from work. Driving a sports or luxury car with that kind of punishment was, well, just cruel. That’s like shaving a cat and calling him Slim.
Thus, my 1991 Honda Accord. A practical, financially-sound solution to my commute problem. For a few hundred bucks, I could throw 2,000 miles a month onto it and pay relatively little for gas. Life was good.
Unfortunately, while my finances flowed, my dates ebbed. One date laughed at the cassette deck and said, “Oh my God, I haven’t seen one of these since I was a little girl.” Another jumped when the automatic seat belts wrapped around her shoulder. “I hate automatic seat belts!” she declared.
Friends told me not to worry. “You don’t want a girl who cares about your car,” they’d say. “You want a girl who likes you for you.”
Sure. And seagulls explode when you give them Alka-Seltzer.
Whether you want to admit it or not, a guy is judged by the car he drives. Sometimes it happens subconsciously, sometimes it happens consciously. But it happens.
Why? Because deep down, every woman wants to know that their man can be a good provider, or at least successful in his own right. A car is an indicator of success, in other words, just like his watch, belt, and shoes (yup, women look at all those things too).
How in the world is a car an indicator of success, you ask? It’s just a superficial item, right? Why should it matter if a guy likes his old, fuel-efficient, and reliable beater? Why should he be judged less than the guy who leases a BMW he can barely afford?
Here’s why: different cars tell women different things about a guy. Such as:
- A Beater
- This guy is cheap, frugal, and probably an annoying penny-pincher. A guy who knows how to save up is attractive, but a cheapskate isn’t.
- A Newer Compact Car (like a Civic or Corolla)
- This guy is cost-conscious, yet is able to afford a more modern car with contemporary luxuries, like electric windows and a CD-player. He’s not a flashy guy, probably pretty humble and unassuming, yet caring and conscientious.
- A Newer Mid-Sized or Full-Sized Car (like an Accord or Camry)
- This guy may have a family, or at least kids. He may be the constant chauffeur or designated driver among his friends. While he’s probably steadfast and reliable, he might not be all that much fun (in bed).
- A Luxury Car (like a BMW or Lexus)
- This guy has money, or at least likes to act like he does. Could be successful, ambitious, and have a good career. May have enough disposable income for the extra niceties in life (can you say Sugar Daddy?), but may be an arrogant bastard as well.
- A 4WD/AWD Car (like a Subaru of some kind)
- This guy is a rugged outdoorsman. He likes to snowboard (not ski), backpack across long distances, hike, mountain climb, swim, and maybe even go dirt biking. He loves the outdoors and always has dirt under his fingernails.
- An SUV
- This guy may have similar traits to the 4WD/AWD guy, except without much concern for the environment.
- A Hybrid Car
- This guy totally loves the environment and wants to let the world know. He recycles almost everything and will chide you if you don’t sort out your trash appropriately. Could be idealistic, pompous, and a little smug.
- A Pick-Up Truck
- This guy is a rugged redneck who loves the outdoors. He especially loves shooting little animals with a shotgun (perhaps to compensate for something, hmm?) while outdoors. Loves country music, beer, and NASCAR races. Also loves his family, especially his sister (ahem).
- A Sports Car
- This guy is aggressive, arrogant, knows what he wants, and gets what he wants. He likes to live life hard and fast, and may like his women hard and fast as well. Every day with him is packed with fun, but if you can’t keep up, you’ll be left in the dust.
- A Station Wagon
- This guy also may have kids. Or he might be a mass murderer who uses the station wagon to transport bodies and digging equipment. Could be a practical guy with retro tastes and likes to stand out from the crowd, or an old-fashioned guy who’s not up on trends and is boring (in bed).
- A Motorcycle
- This guy has a wild spirit and a death wish. He ignores his Mom’s pleas and likes to ride the open road, skirting between rush hour traffic and baking in thick leather gear. May be a selfish adventure-seeker who’s just as crazy in bed as he is in his head.
- No Car
- This guy lives in the city and sees no need for a car. He’s practical and knows the public transportation system inside-out. If you want an excursion out of the city, however, he’ll look at you funny, then ask why you’d ever want to leave the city.
You don’t necessarily need a new, expensive car. Only a car that isn’t in utter disrepair (or has an automatic seatbelt). Women will judge a man’s car, even if they do it unconsciously.
You need not drive a leased BMW you can barely afford. But if you drive an old beater, however, then she’s not going to think you’re a good provider—she’s going to think you’re a cheap, penny-pinching old beater too.
Are you a well-educated, intelligent, independent, and successful woman… who is still single? You’re not alone (no pun intended).
More and more women are getting advanced degrees and pursuing their careers. And staying single. Sometimes voluntarily, sometimes involuntarily.
Wait, involuntarily? Why is that? What’s preventing them from being in a relationship?
Before we answer that, it’s important to realize that many women are staying single because they want to. They’re focused on their careers, are very ambitious, and are pursuing their dreams. Their hectic schedules don’t offer much time for the hassles and turmoil of dating.
Many do ultimately want a relationship, but are independent enough—financially & emotionally—to postpone it until the right man comes along. They hold high standards for their men, just as they hold high standards for themselves. Although these standards weed out most of the men they meet, they don’t mind; they’re willing & able to wait.
But what if you don’t want to wait anymore? Maybe you’re ready to settle down now. Maybe you’re lonely and want companionship. Maybe your biological clock is not just ticking anymore, it’s pounding. What to do, what to do…
The easy answer is: go out and find a man. Yea, sure, and while you’re at it, pick up an extra million dollars on the way home too.
Why do well-educated, intelligent, independent, and successful women find it so hard to find a man? Is it because men are intimidated by them?
To answer that, let’s look at three real-life anecdotes from women I know.
Women with MBAs
Within a local, prestigious MBA program, two girls noticed that most of their male classmates going for girls without advanced degrees. Instead of dating within their sizable pool of beautiful, sexy, and intelligent MBA classmates, the guys were dating, and even marrying, girls outside of their program. “Guys with MBAs just don’t want girls with MBAs,” one lamented. They seemed to prefer less educated women.
Women in Triathlons
After meeting a great guy, one girl was shocked to find him suddenly pulling away after a few successful dates. This was shortly after talking about her rigorous triathlon training program. He cited her busy schedule (which included work and triathlon training) as the reason to slow things down. She sensed it was more about her triathlon than her work, though he denied it. However, he would occasionally make comments about how much stronger she was than him.
Women as Doctors vs Teachers
A group of female doctors often went clubbing together. Each time, they’d try an experiment. On some nights, they’d tell guys that they were doctors. On other nights, they’d tell guys that they were teachers, librarians, and interior decorators. Guess which profession the guys gravitated towards? “It’s funny; every time we told them the truth, they’d disappear. But if we told them we were teachers or something, they’d flock around us and try to get our numbers.”
Sure sounds like men are intimidated to independent and successful women to me. We can even add physically fit to that list. What’s an independent and successful woman to do?
A Solution and a Silver Lining
Kris Frieswick of MSN Money has a solution. In her article “Too successful for a mate?” she notes that many successful women hold unrealistic expectations for a relationship. They look for a partner who is just as successful as they are, if not moreso. She suggests adjusting those expectations and seeking only those that are relevant to a happy relationship.
“I abandoned the expectation of many ‘must-have’ items in my years of dating before I met my husband.” Frieswick writes. “It’s not that I couldn’t find a man who possessed the right qualities, but it turned out they were irrelevant to a happy relationship. Was it crucial that my husband have a master’s degree? No. Would it be a deal- breaker if he didn’t love mountain biking as much as I do? No.”
Even Kathleen Gerson, a Professor of Sociology at New York University, agrees. “Women have increasingly high standards for who that partner might be, and because they have the ability to support themselves, they can afford to wait. They can apply those high standards.”
Aside from adjusting expectations, there are really many men who are not intimidated by independent and successful women. (Yup, right here on Earth!) A good buddy of mine actually seeks out highly intelligent women. The girls he dates typically have advanced degrees, are highly ambitious, and are successful in their careers.
Another good buddy won’t settle for anything less. “If I can’t have an intelligent conversation with her about things like economics or world culture,” he says, “then I can’t go out with her.”
As for me, I’m attracted to well-educated, intelligent, independent, and successful women too. I’ve dated girls who are eleven donuts short a box of dozen and those relationships never lasted too long. I can’t date a woman I don’t respect, and I have a lot of respect for intelligence, autonomy, and ambition. Plus, big brains are sexy. Mmm mmm mmm.
I realize that my friends and I are not the norm, however. But men with this mindset do exist. The majority of them are successful too. The challenge isn’t one of simply adjusting standards, in my opinion (though it’s helpful for everyone to at least have realistic standards). It’s also of trying to find one who’s compatible with you.
It’s not an impossible challenge either. As Gerson happily notes:
“The more highly educated a woman is, the more likely she is to ultimately marry. But it’s also true that she’s more likely to postpone marriage until she gains a foothold in the workplace and feels more secure about her working life until she’s a chance to figure out who she is, so she knows what kind of partner she wants.
“And ultimately, women who do postpone, especially if they’re highly educated, are more likely to find a partner who is right for them. [It is] more likely for that marriage to work, to last, and to create that balance between personal autonomy and commitment that they desire.”
Whenever people read about the science of love, it usually leads to one of two conclusions:
- If love is just a series of chemicals, how can I control it? Is love out of my control?
- If love is just a series of chemicals, can injections change how I feel? Can I make someone fall in love with me?
Great questions. So what do the scientists, who’ve explained away love, think?
Is Love Out of My Control?
Fortunately, the answer is: No.
You have more control over your feelings than you think. In the book Social Intelligence by Daniel Goleman, Ph.D., he abstracts the brain’s interpretation of the senses into two routes, a “low road” and a “high road.”
The low road is lightning fast and operates beneath our awareness, such as instincts, gut feelings, and primal drives. The high road, in contrast, is slower and runs through neural systems that analyze, rationalize, and make meaning of the world around us. In reality, the brain is much more complex than this, but for our purposes, this abstraction will work.
The stew of chemicals, hormones, and neurotransmitters that twirl in the science of love operate on the low road. They drive your primal urges. Fortunately, we all have a conscience (well, most of us anyways) that can steer the stew if necessary. That’s where second-guessing comes is; every time you’ve changed your mind about a gut feeling, you’re experiencing the high road countering the low road.
But it’s still not possible to make yourself or someone else fall in love, right?
Well, yes and no. If the propensity is there, then it is possible to amplify the feelings. If there is a cavern of chemistry between you and the other person, then not even Cupid’s arrows can help you.
How can the feelings of love be amplified? By non-verbal physical communication, such as your smile, your eyes, and your overall body language.
Your Smile
Smile. Right now, while you’re sitting there, smile.
If I had a portable MRI strapped to your noggin, I would have seen your pleasure centers light up. The very act of smiling can actually make you happier.
If another person smiles at you, they can trigger the same chemical reactions. That’s why being around positive people can make you happier (and negative people can make you gloomier). Known as “emotional contagion,” emotions have been found to be contagious and can be transmitted like airborne diseases.
Your Eyes
Look into my eyes. Look deep, for they are windows to my soul.
New York psychologist and professor Arthur Arun, Ph.D. discovered that the simple act of staring into each other’s eyes can spark strong feelings of attraction. In an experiment, he asked two complete strangers to reveal intimate details about their lives for more than an hour. Then he asked them to stare into each other’s eyes silently for four whole minutes. Like a staring contest, sort of. Sounds awkward, huh?
After the experiment, many of the participants confessed to feelings of deep attraction to their partners. Two of his subjects even started to date and eventually got married!
Overall Body Language
How important is a first impression? Not to put any pressure on you, but it can make or break your ability to score a date.
The low road of your brain takes anywhere between ninety seconds to four minutes to decide if there is a chemical attraction. And the deciding factors are more than the strength of your pick-up lines too. The deciding factors are:
- 55% through body language
- 38% through the ton and speed of your voice
- 7% through what you say
This means the way you carry yourself, the way you sit, the way you walk, the way you slouch, the way you stand up straight… All of those things factor in to the initial spark of attraction. Of course, the high road can come in and override many of these factors later, but this is what makes “lust” at first sight.
Can I Make Someone Fall in Love with Me?
Fortunately, the answer is: No.
Within the body, love can be interpreted as a series of chemical reactions. But then again, so can walking, eating, laughing, and pooping.
Humor, for instance, can be explained by chemicals. Does that mean we can make a joke funnier with injections? Well, maybe with laughing gas, or alcohol, or itching powder… but otherwise, no.
Along the high road of the brain, many other factors also play a part in falling in love. Culture, society, beliefs, values, even past experiences play a part. Who we’ve dated in the past shapes who we’ll date in the future. Some people are also more apt to listen to the high road than the low road.
This doesn’t stop corporations from trying, however. The perfume industry has been trying for years to manufacture love in a bottle. They dissect and analyze pheromones with ferocity. If there’s a way to make someone fall in love with a scent, they’ll find it.
Some scientists have also been looking for love potions, not just to fall in love, but to fall out of love. Why?
In her research, anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher found that the three stages of love (lust, attraction, and attachment) are not mutually-exclusive; they can all happen simultaneously. That means Jim the office perv could be lusting after your ass, be falling in love with that new girl in marketing, and be married with kids. Sadly, as Fisher says, “We were not built to be happy but to reproduce.”
So can chemicals “cure” this kind of behavior? The drop of serotonin levels during the attraction phase closely mirrors OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder), anxiety, and depression. Since serotonin-increasing drugs such as Prozac are used to deal with OCD, anxiety, and depression, it’s not a stretch to wonder if Prozac can be applied to kick someone out of the attraction phase too.
To that end, early tests have shown that yes, drugs like Prozac may numb romantic feelings in some people—if the feelings aren’t very strong yet. But once the feelings take root, they are very difficult to uproot. These findings are very inconclusive, scientists are quick to warn, and the brain is still full of mysteries.
Just like love is still a mystery.
Scientists have sought to explain it, to pick and probe at it, and to even recreate or destroy it. But so far, all they’ve gotten is a series of chemicals. What they’ve discovered is great information, but it shouldn’t be used as a guide for explaining your feelings.
While a geek like me is fascinated by these biological details, at the end of the day, I think it’s best to let poets and lyricists explain love.
I love your lips when they’re red with wine
And red with a wild desire;
I love your eyes when the lovelight lies
Lit with a passionate fire.
I love your arms when the strands enmesh
Your kisses against my face.
Not for me the cold, calm kiss
Of a virgin’s bloodless love;
Not for me the saint’s white bliss,
Nor the heart of a spotless dove.
But give me the love that so freely gives
And laughs at the whole world’s blame,
With your body so young and warm in my arms,
It set my poor heart aflame.
So kiss me sweet with your warm wet mouth,
Still fragrant with ruby wine,
And say with a fervor born of the South
That your body and soul are mine.
Clasp me close in your warm young arms,
While the pale stars shine above,
And we’ll live our whole young lives away
In the joys of a living love.
- Ella Wheeler Wilcox
This is a two-part essay:
- The Science of Love: Chemicals and Romance
- The Science of Love: Controlling Love
Love is difficult to describe. Poets and lyricists have tried doing so for eons. And they’re still at it.
But how would a scientist describe love? It probably wouldn’t be as romantic as a poet’s or lyricist’s description. I fancy it would be something like this:
Love is a chemical attraction between two people, influenced by environmental and cultural factors, for the purposes of finding a suitable mate to further one’s family line.
Simple as that.
Helen Fisher, an anthropologist at Rutgers University and one of the most well-known researchers in the science of love, would go a bit further and define it in three sequential phases:
- Lust
- Attraction
- Attachment
At each stage, there are identifiable patterns within a person’s brain, hormonal balances, and neurotransmitters. Thus, love can be scientifically identified by examining the chemicals in your brain.
1. Lust
Chemically, the first reaction to another person is lust. This phase is driven by the sex hormones testosterone and estrogen, both of which occur in men & women and enhance a person’s libido & carnal yearnings. These lead to a heightened sense of basic sexual drivers such as appearance and pheromones.
Appearance
No one wants to admit they’re superficial, though we all care about our partner’s looks to a certain extent. Through extensive research, evolutionary psychologist Devendra Singh of the University of Texas discovered that, on average, men tend to prefer women with a waist-to-hip ratio of 0.7. This applies to any weight category, culture, or ethnicity.
Psychology professor Robert Kurzban of the University of Pennsylvania also added a person’s BMI (body mass index) and facial symmetry as factors in general attractiveness. Men typically look for BMI and facial features that hint at fertility, health, and youthfulness. Women typically look for BMI features that hint at virility, strength, health, and ability to provide (meaning social status indicators like salary and education).
Overall, men tend to favor visual stimulation while women tend to favor men with high social status. This helps to explain why the porn industry caters largely to men and why “gold diggers” are generally women.
All of this happens unconsciously, of course, within systems as primal as thirst and hunger. But you can see the evolutionary foundations for such factors. We’re seeking out a mate that is capable of producing healthy offspring. How romantic.
Also gives new meaning to “love at first sight,” huh?
Pheromones
Smell and pheromones have just as much of an impact too. Professor Claus Wedekind of the University of Bern in Switzerland found that women are consistently drawn to the smell of men whose immune systems are different from their own. The more different the immune system, the wider the range of immunities their offspring would have. This is known as disassortative sexual selection.
Then Dr. Martha McClintock of the University of Chicago made a related discovery. Her studies suggest that women are drawn to a man whose smell is most similar to her father. Electra complex, anyone?
These two smell preferences are not in conflict. A man with an immune system close to her father’s would indicate a proven immune system (after all, it worked for Dad) while being different enough to provide complementary immunities. Both work hand-in-hand. (Or rather, nose-to-nose?)
The perfume industry is keenly aware of this; they routinely use pheromones to perfect their aromatic concoctions. It’s like a match made in a perfume bottle.
Unfortunately, the phrase “love at first smell” isn’t as catchy, is it?
2. Attraction
When most people talk about love, they’re referring to this stage. This phase is driven by a suite of neurotransmitters called monoamines: norepinephrine, dopamine, and serotonin. They are responsible for those puppy-dog feelings. In fact, they’re like a drug cocktail of lovey dovey motions and emotions.
Norepinephrine
This chemical influences the attention and reaction centers of the brain. In drastic situations, like being in love, it works alongside ephinephrine (the scientific name for adrenaline) to trigger the fight-or-flight response. No, this doesn’t mean you’ll run from your date or throw a punch. It means you’ll feel an increased heart rate, blood flow, and energy levels. Also, your palms will get sweaty. Dawww.
Dopamine
This chemical triggers an intense rush of pleasure (aw yea), increased energy, focused attention, and decreased need for sleep or food. It also stimulates the reward center of the brain, reinforcing the need to continue seeing your love interest. Cocaine and nicotine trigger many of these feelings too, coincidentally, except it reinforces your need to continue using the drug—hence, addictions. Thus, if you were to look at the brain of a person in love, it would look just like an addict high on drugs. (I’m high on you, baby!)
Serotonin
This chemical inhibits aggression, appetite, sleep, mood, and most importantly for this situation, sexuality. So you’ll be glad to hear that serotonin levels are dropped during this phase. What you may not be glad to hear is that low levels of serotonin are most closely associated with OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder), though they can also indicate depression or anxiety. Serial killers also have low levels of serotonin (though being attracted to someone isn’t going to make you a serial killer, I’m pretty sure). This explains why we’re all a little nuts when we’re in love; we’re literally and chemically obsessing over our partner.
Physiology
Ph.D. student Andreas Bartels and his adviser Semir Zeki of the Imperial College of London used an fMRI (functional magnetic resonance imaging) scanner to scan brains in love. They discovered that the portions of the brain related reward and pleasure activate while portions related to moral judgment deactivate. A drop in moral judgment? This is apparently why people say that “love is blind”. If you’re in love, it doesn’t matter what kind of scumbag your partner is; you’re in love, and that’s that.
3. Attachment
Long-term relationships and marriages wouldn’t work without this stage. This phase is driven by the important hormones oxytocin and vasopressin. Whether you like it or not, our bodies physically deemphasize lust and attraction sooner or later. That’s where these last two hormones come into play; they foster long-standing relationships and bonds that keep couples together as they have children and form families.
Oxytocin
This hormone is released during a wide range of relationship-building activities such as hugging, touching, orgasm, and child birth. Once released, the body experiences heightened sexual arousal, desire for bonding (which explains the cuddling after sex), maternal behavior, increased trust and reduced fear, and increased empathy & generosity.
One of the more famous studies of the effects of oxytocin is on prairie voles. Why prairie voles? Because only 3% of the mammals in this world form monogamous relationships, and prairie voles are one of them. Another would be humans, despite what you might see on Sex and The City.
Similar to humans, when prairie voles have sex, oxytocin and vasopressin is released. Scientists found that blocking these hormones would negate the voles’ monogamy. Conversely, injecting a vole with these hormones and preventing it from having sex (sorry vole) would result in monogamy.
Assistant professor of psychology Diane Witt from New York also discovered oxytocin aids in child rearing. When blocking the release of oxytocin in rats, she found that they rejected their offspring. Conversely, injecting a female rat with oxytocin makes it nurture another female’s young as if they were her own.
This doesn’t mean human love can be had with a simple injection; human love is much more complex than that. But this does demonstrate the powerful relationship-building effects of oxytocin. The evolutionary need for it is fairly clear too. Without it, couples are less likely to stay together and raise healthy offspring.
In fact, it is generally believed that the more sex a couple has, the more likely they are to stay together. Does that mean the next time you ask for a quickie, you can say, “But baby, I’m doing it for us, for the relationship?” Heh heh…
Vasopressin
This hormone is generally used to regulate the body’s retention of water, though it also has some neurological effects on the brain, all of which are not yet known. Like oxytocin, it is also released after orgasm. It also may aid in memory formation, tighten bonds between sexual partners, and in males, increase aggression against other males (perhaps against other suitors?).
Back to the prairie voles. When vasopressin was blocked in male prairie voles, they lost their devotion to their mates and did not protect them from new suitors. Research is still being done to discover the exact effects of vasopressin.
Chemical Romance, Chemical Love
So there you have it. Love broken down as a series of chemicals being released in three stages. Makes me wonder if this would make for a good Valentine’s Day card:
When I first saw and smelled you,
testosterone and estrogen were released into my brain.
Then came norepinephrine, serotonin,
and enough dopamine to feel like I was high on cocaine.
Now that we’re past those two stages,
it’s mostly oxytocin and vasopressin going in my mind.
So baby won’t you please,
oh won’t you please be my Chemical Valentine?
Hmm. Probably not. Scientists and Hallmark don’t mix.
This is a two-part essay:
- The Science of Love: Chemicals and Romance
- The Science of Love: Controlling Love
You think he’s cute, don’t you? You wish he’d come over and talk to you, don’t you? Or that he’d ask you out, right? Or maybe even a plant a kiss. But he’s not. What’s a girl supposed to do?
Flirt! Flirt your cute little ass off!
Don’t know how? Let me tell you, from the guy’s perspective, what do to.
- Smile
- That’s the simplest one. Many guys are bashful creatures. They need an invitation for conversation or else they’ll risk the painful bite of rejection. Imagine a squirrel on the grass and you with a handful of nuts. How do you coax that little guy over? You’ve got to be disarming, charming, and show him your nuts. In short, you’ve got to show him you’re not going to bite if he approaches (unless, um, he wants you to). A smile is the easiest form of invitation. So smile!
- The Second Glance
- Some guys need more of a jump charge than others. One smile might not be enough. Even with copious amounts of liquid courage (read: alcohol), he might be second-guessing you and thinking that your smile was over some joke. So to silently tell him, “Yes, that smile was for you, dummy!” give him a second glance. Linger a bit too. Take in his scrumptious face, examine his eyes, think about how a kiss from his lips would feel, anything to keep your eyes locked for a moment. Even try a third glance if necessary. But don’t go any further than that, or else you’ll dilute the power of these glances.
- Wear Something Alluring
- Guys are visual creatures. Big surprise there. It’s a sad testament to our society that our self images are so media-driven, but you’ll find the odds of attracting guys in your favor when you dress well, feel confident, and look hot. A hint of a delicious perfume (but not too much!) can also add to your allure. Got great legs? Show them off. Great ass? Accentuate it. Nice cleavage? Well, duh! Pretty face and great smile? Even better! You’re beautiful, so show yourself off!
- Laugh at His Jokes
- This is such a cheesy one that I hesitated in including it. But it’s so darn effective that I’d be cheating you if I didn’t. Sure, he could be full of cheesy jokes and potty humor, but you’ll make him feel like a million bucks if he thinks he’s funny. Every guy has heard that girls like a guy with a sense of humor. Laugh, and you’ll build up his confidence. Psychologically and biologically, you’ll also have a better time as you smile and laugh too, even if it’s all fake (strange but true, read any psychological journal).
- Compliment Him
- On the theme of cheesy but effective methods, there’s also compliments. Just don’t be too obviously fake about them and don’t overwhelm him with ass-kissing praise. But a gentle sprinkle of compliments will further his confidence in himself and his good feelings towards you. Did you know that even fake flattery is somewhat effective? (That’s why ass-kissers at work get so far. No one ever said the world is fair and makes sense, right?)
- Touch Him Lightly
- Find an opportunity to come into light physical contact with him, like patting him on the arm or thigh, leaning up against him, or tussling his hair. I don’t mean heavy petting; calm yourself down girl, that’s for later! Your gentle touches will send subtle signals into his brain that you’re someone he can touch back in the future. It’s like scratching a dog behind his ears; you’ll need to win him first before he’ll let you scratch his belly. (Actually, that analogy totally fails, because that same dog will have no problem humping you with nothing more than a smile, but eh, you get the point.)
- Lean In Close to Him
- Somewhat similar to touching him lightly is leaning close to him. Seductively enter into his personal space. Not too close right away, where you’re breathing out of his nose. You just want to tease him a bit. He’ll be able to smell you and see you closely now. If there are sparks, you both will feel them now too. If not, then perhaps he’s a dud.
- Look Into His Eyes
- This may seem obvious to some, but hard to do for others. Lock eyes with him as he talks. I don’t mean turning it into a staring contest, but make ample eye contact during your conversation. If you’re shy, take note of his eye color and try to discern the secrets of his soul from those two glassy orbs. This will show him you’re interested, further boosting his confidence. Look away, and he’ll think you’re not interested or that he’s boring you. That could be your death knell and the surest way back to Mr. Rabbit.
- Ask Him About Him
- Lots of people like talking about themselves. So ask him questions about his life, his work, his hobbies, etc. (Avoid questions about previous relationships though, that’s a no-no this early on in the game.) You’ll not only find out more about this cute guy, but you’ll have him leave the encounter pleased, for it’s another psychological marvel that people who talked about themselves a lot tend to unconsciously rate those experiences as happy ones. (The mind’s a wondrous place, eh?)
- Pay Attention to Him
- Perhaps fairly obvious, this one should be stated nonetheless. Don’t get so caught up in staring at his eyes and asking him questions that you forget to listen to what he’s saying. If you find yourself thinking about the next question, stop. Listen to him. I mean, really listen to him. Listen for commonalities between the two of you. Share a little about yourself in similar situations. Don’t just sit there like a rock, interact with him and show him a bit of yourself. This will help you evaluate whether he’s really worth your time as well.
- Leave Him Openings for Dates
- Now that you’ve got the little guy eating out of the palm of your hand, give him some easy opportunities for asking you out. Mention a new restaurant you’ve been dying to try. Or a new musical that’s in town. Be prepared to clear some lower-priority items out of your schedule too, because if you’re always busy, he’ll take that as a sign that you’re not that interested, may have other guys on the side, or are too busy to be worth dating.
This all assumes the target of your affections is worth your heart. If he doesn’t respond to any of these, then either he is Just Not That Into You (read the book!), an utter social moron, or gay. Assuming he’s none of those, then you can rest easy knowing you’ve given him enough of the proper signals. The rest is now up to him. Good luck, ladies!
So you’ve decided you want a convertible. Good for you! It’s the perfect car for bathing in the sun’s warm vibrancy and rinsing with a cool, crisp draft. Each drive will leave you refreshed and reborn.
Owning a convertible automobile comes with a different set of responsibilities, concerns, and features though. For the uninitiated, it’s not like a traditional car. To help with your buying decision, here are some tips.
- Get Heated Seats
- It’s so much fun to drive with the top down that you’ll invariable hit cold air one day. On that day, you’ll thank me for suggesting heated seats. They’ll warm your bum with toasty goodness. If you’re a guy thinking, “I can take the cold; I don’t need no heated seats,” consider the ladies who’ll be sitting in your passenger seat. Don’t their bums need toasty lovin’ too?
- Check the Heating Vents
- Compare the heating vents of various convertibles while test driving on the highway. Some convertibles are able to blast hot air voluptuously. Others release only a wimpy fart. On those cold days, a stream of heat will be endearing. Make sure the convertible you choose can roar heat.
- Leave Jackets in the Convertible
- Another way to stay warm is to stash a few jackets for you and your passengers. Leave the jackets in the trunk so you don’t invite thieves perusing your back seat for easy treasures. If you have a four-seater, your rear passengers can get especially cold since heated seats and vents aren’t provided for them (unless manufacturers start offering this feature, hint hint).
- Consider a Windscreen
- This is optional but very helpful, especially for those with long hair. A windscreen fits onto the back seat and cuts down the wind dramatically. If you’re cruising the highway with the top down, raise your windows and set up your windscreen; you’ll be able to get the sun and only a little of the wind. Ladies with long hair will be thankful they don’t end up with hair whiplash.
- Leave Sunscreen in the Glove Compartment
- Why improve your chances for skin cancer if you don’t have to? Since you’ll be exposed to more sun than others drivers, go for a sunscreen with a high SPF rating. It will come in handy on spontaneously sunny days. Also consider sunglasses.
- Consider a Light-Colored Interior
- The color black absorbs more heat than other colors. Go for a light-colored interior to avoid scorching hot seats while driving under the sun. However, many newer convertibles have heat-reflective coats on their interiors, lowering the heat absorption rate of black interiors a bit.
- Consider a Hard-Top vs a Soft-Top
- More and more convertibles have hard-tops now. They add to the structural integrity of the car (adding slightly to safety), hold in more heat, reduce driving noise, require less maintenance than soft-tops, and remove the worry of thieves & vandals cutting your soft-top. Unfortunately, they are more expensive (especially in repairs), add to the weight of the car (reducing performance and handling), and decrease the amount of trunk space available.
- Ask About the Soft-Top Maintenance
- If you go for a soft-top, inquire about the maintenance required. Soft-tops can come in a variety of materials: cloth, vinyl, or even leather. Some will need special shampoos, sealants, and special care instructions. A lint roller for cloth tops can be handy too.
- Ask About the Interior Maintenance
- Convertibles require more maintenance on their interiors than traditional cars, especially if you drive with the top down often. There may be special sealants and waxes you can purchase for your interior.
- Inspect the Soft-Top
- If you go for a used soft-top convertible, examine the top thoroughly. Look for tears, rips, and other damage. Replacing a convertible’s top can be expensive. Some wear and tear will be inevitable; what you don’t want are actual holes, cracks, or extremely worn spots.
- Be Aware of Theft & Vandalism
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- If you go for a soft-top, the chances of theft and vandalism are higher. This means you should be careful where you park; avoid high-crime, poorly-lit streets at night. Consider paying for parking in a garage, if anything, for some peace of mind.
- Ask About Roll-bar Protection
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- Some newer convertibles have strong enough windshield pillars that they’ll prop the car up should it flip over. Many also have roll-bars built into the frame or are activated when the car is upside-down. Make sure the convertible you choose has safety features for such accidents.
- Be Aware of Cornering Differences
- Since the body of a convertible isn’t as structurally rigid as a traditional car (due to the lack of a roof), it will twist slightly when taking hard turns. What this means is that convertibles won’t perform as well when cornering at high speeds. For performance-minded drivers, you can purchase aftermarket front and rear stabilizer bars for added rigidity.
- Check the Trunk Space
- Convertibles will never have as much trunk space as regular cars. But some offer more space than others. Most convertible roadsters won’t have enough space for traditional luggage, while most convertible coupes can fit maybe two pieces of luggage.
- Check the Driving Noise
- Convertibles are not quiet cars, even with the top down. Hard-top convertibles will generally be quieter than soft-tops, but all will exhibit some kind of noise (such as interior rattling, wind, engine, and tire noises). Some convertibles are quieter than others, however.
- Consider Quiet Tires
- Some tires are made to reduce driving noise. They aren’t always offered by default however, so you may have to buy them separately. Good quality quiet tires will reduce driving noise considerably.
- Check the Music System
- If you like listening to music while driving, you’ll need a fairly powerful music system when driving with the top down. As you compare convertibles, turn up the volume on the highway. Is it loud enough over the wind noise? Many convertibles also offer premium sound systems for extra money.
- Check the Rear Visibility
- The rear windows of convertibles generally aren’t as large as in regular cars. This means there can be significant blind spots. Watch out for this. Of course, when the top is down, you won’t have this problem. But when driving in reverse, you’ll have to be more careful.
- Check the Rear Window’s Material
- Many older convertibles have plastic rear windows. These windows cloud up and become opaque over the years, requiring expensive replacements. Avoid plastic rear windows if possible. Most newer convertibles use glass rear windows now, which don’t have this problem.
- Be Aware of the MPG
- Convertibles aren’t as fuel-efficient as traditional cars because of the increased wind drag. When the top is down, this is especially true. You’ll spend far more on gas with a convertible than with a traditional car. Luxury convertibles may require premium gas too, further increasing your fuel costs.
- Buy During the Winter
- Sales of convertibles surge during hot, sunny summers, of course. For the best deals, make your purchase during the winter. You’ll have more negotiation leverage then, as dealers are eager to get the convertibles off their lots.
And most importantly, have fun! You’re going to love owning a convertible!
“Let’s face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you’ll end up naked at the end of it.”
- J. Seinfeld
Ah yes, that ever-illusive activity, as exasperating as it is exhilarating. Both loved and loathed, dreaded and desired. Like a wish whispered under a full moon’s light.
I speak of dating, of course. That favorite ritual of guys and dolls. What fun!
There are rules, of course. There are always rules. These come from years of agonizing personal experience and stories related to me from wiser minds. They only apply a snapshot: the coastal metropolitans of the United States in the beginning of the second millennium. Any further than that, and I’m afraid I’m as helpful as a pet monkey in chemistry class.
Getting the Date
For Men
It’s pretty simple. Ask her out.
Sure, she could say “No.” But then, all she did was say “No.” She didn’t pull out a knife and cleave off your toes, right? It may feel like she pulled out a knife and cleaved out your heart, but if you never ask her out, you’ll have a million shards piercing your heart for every day you pass her by.
Generally, a “No” is a “No,” though some men use this as an invitation for persistence, and often with mixed results. If you’re in doubt, a “No” is a “No.” Use your discretion otherwise. A man is being persistent if the woman has some interest in him; he’s a stalker if she does not.
Not asking her out could put you on her friends list. Once you’re on her friends list, it’s not easy to get off. Women think of male friends as great buddies that can provide solace or advice on the male mind. But nothing more. If you like her, avoid her friends list.
Occasionally, a woman will ask you out. That’s perfectly acceptable nowadays, though not everyone shares this belief. Just because it is acceptable doesn’t mean you can use it as an excuse, however. If you sit on your ass waiting for her to ask you out, then your ass is going to get sore and her ass is moving on.
For Women
It really is just as simple for women, though it’s not yet a universal belief or practice. Ask him out.
Otherwise, the name of the game is leaving breadcrumbs. That means leading him to ask you out. Yes, I called this a game because you are now in the domain of ambiguous signs. Does he like me or doesn’t he? Can’t he tell that I like him? The interpretive dance of leaving breadcrumbs can be a frustrating one. As long as you realize this, and are set on taking this path, there are techniques to improve the reliability of your signs.
Smile when you see him. Study his eyes. Ask him questions. Men love talking about themselves. Touch him on the arm, back, or leg. Physical contact adds a “lets be more than just friends” intimacy.
Then leave him some opportunities for asking you out. Tell him about a great new restaurant you’ve been meaning to try. Or how you’ve always wanted to see that new art exhibit or take a walk by that crystal-clear lake. Leave him a breadcrumb trail to the words, “Want to go out with me?”
But beware of his friends list. If hanging out with you is just as entertaining as his guy buddies, you’ll be just another one of his buddies. He may not want to lose your friendship over something as tumultuous as, oh, a romantic relationship. If you like him, avoid his friends list.
Unfortunately for women, asking someone out on a date is much easier for a man. Especially in terms of being turned down. The worst she can say is “No,” leaving the man sure of how she feels. Not so for women trying to leave breadcrumbs. You’ll have to contend with guesses, second-guesses, and all of your girlfriends’ guesses. But the answer is simple. If you’ve left ample breadcrumbs and he hasn’t asked you out, then his ass isn’t interested. So forget the ass and move on.
Preparing for the First Date
For Men
The first date isn’t like a spontaneous night with your drinking buddies. You have to plan it with care. The date should allow an opportunity for conversation and match your mutual interests. If you both love rock climbing, go climb a beautiful mountain. If you’re not entirely sure of her interests, a coffee or dinner is a safe choice. A coffee is a low-cost, low-effort way to meet someone new. If there is no chemistry, it can be a quick coffee. If there is chemistry, it can be followed up by a dinner.
Find out which cuisines whet her appetite, or at least which ones don’t. That will help narrow your restaurant choices down. Make a reservation so you can guarantee a table. It’s generally safer to select a familiar place that you know to be quiet enough for conversation and dim enough for mystery. But don’t go so often that the staff is taking bets on how long this new relationship will last.
Plan for a possible after-meal activity. No, I don’t mean that; never expect anything more than a hug after a first date. Take her for a casual stroll through a park or shop-lined street if the conversation is lively enough that ending it would be too cruel. Or take her ice skating, ceramic painting, or even bowling if that suits you both better. Keep this in mind when selecting a restaurant, so you don’t have to go across town after dinner.
Dress comfortably and handsomely. Since you may be nervous, put on clothes that make you feel confident and at ease. Dress for the occasion. Don’t wear a suit & tie if you’re going rock climbing and don’t wear a t-shirt & shorts if you’re going to the opera. If you’re still unsure, dress one notch better than the usual patrons of your destination.
Though it should be obvious: practice good hygiene. Brush your teeth. Comb your hair. Wash your face. Put on deodorant. Consider bringing breath mints. And avoid foods that may produce gastric gases before and during the date.
For Women
Safety should be the primary concern. Carry a fully-charged mobile phone set on vibrate. Inform at least one friend about your date. If you know very little about the guy, consider choosing a time at which your friend will call you. Select a moment when the date may reasonably end. If the date is a bore, this can be your rescue call. If the date has concluded, this can be your gossip call. If the date is electrifying, tell your friend to call back later.
Meet him at the destination. Don’t have him pick you up for a first date, as your address should be reserved for people you’ve confirmed are good. He may ask which part of town you’re in; this is fine, just don’t give him any more than that for now. This is also for safety reasons. Why invite a potential stalker to your place, right?
Dress comfortably and cute. Wear something that will make you feel confident and at ease. If the evening weather may be chilly, bring a jacket or warm covering. Don’t assume the guy will have a jacket to offer, or will offer it should he have one. If you’re going hiking, don’t wear high heels. If you’re going to the opera, don’t wear sandals. Dress appropriately for the occasion. If you’re still unsure, again, one notch above the rest is a safe choice.
Good hygiene is important for both sexes. However, don’t overdo the make-up. Apply what you normally would, even if that is none at all. If you wear jewelry, consider one especially sparkling piece, not multiple pieces. As with your clothing, put on enough to make you feel confident and at ease. Men are attracted to alluring scents, but don’t overdo your perfume, for too much can offend the senses.
On the First Date
For Men
Be on time or earlier if possible. Call if you’re going to be late.
When she arrives, greet her warmly with a gentle hug. Some prefer a handshake, though this can seem too formal a gesture. Take note of how she looks. She may have put a lot of effort into looking nice for you; the least you can do is notice it. Compliment her endearingly, particularly on her accessories. Maybe her earrings are stirring or her necklace is charming. If you’re at a lack of words, at least say, “You look great!”
Old-world chivalry like opening doors, holding out chairs, and helping her remove & put on her coat isn’t as necessary anymore. But they can score you extra points where other men fail. Though it’s not common, there are some women who may take offense to these behaviors. As a default, be attentive and practice common decency, but don’t worry yourself over exorbitant displays of chivalry.
Ask her questions. Women love talking about themselves. Listen. Enjoy her company. Delight in her fancies. This is why you asked her out, right?
Don’t tell her your life story. Let the conversation grow like a flower, leaning where the wind takes it. Reveal snapshots of yourself, but not the full picture. This is a date, not a confessional. Don’t be judgmental. Keep an open mind. Don’t talk about previous relationships. If she frequently discusses her ex-boyfriend, it could mean there’s still a flame of desire for him. And vice versa. Don’t lie. If you start a potential relationship with a lie, it will starve for integrity.
Have fun. Be yourself. You’re on a date because you want to discover if there’s mutual interest, right? If you act like someone else, and she likes that someone else, then how are you going to find out if she likes, you know, you?
If the date isn’t going well, finish out your activities, then conclude it amiably. Be honest about your feelings. Don’t pummel her with a list of faults, but don’t mislead her into thinking that you’ll call either.
If the date is going well, suggest the after-meal activity you planned earlier. It’s not necessarily a negative sign if she turns you down; she may be genuinely tired.
Pay for the dinner. Though this practice is debated by some, err on the side of paying. Use your discretion if she strongly urges to split the bill. But if in doubt, pay for the dinner.
End the date with a warm hug. A kiss on the cheek is also acceptable if she seems willing and the chemistry has been bubbling.
For Women
Be on time. Call if you’re going to be late. Greet him warmly with a gentle hug. Smile and accept any compliments he may give you.
Ask him questions. Men love talking about themselves. Listen. Enjoy his company. Find out interesting things about him. Some argue that you should laugh at his lame jokes; you may out of politeness, since he may be trying to impress you with jokes he normally wouldn’t say. But if you genuinely don’t like his humor, laughing at his jokes will only positively reinforce them.
Don’t tell him your life story. Let him savor bits of you. Small desserts always leave a person wanting more. Don’t be judgmental. Keep an open mind. Don’t talk about previous relationships. Don’t talk about your desire for family or children (if such is the case). The first date is not the opportunity to bring up these topics. Don’t drink more alcohol than you can safely handle. Don’t go past the point of sobriety. Don’t lie. Lies, even innocent lies, are holes in a relationship. Too many of them will sink it.
Have fun. Be yourself. Enjoy the electricity if you feel it in the air. Be polite and respectful if you don’t. If he asked you out, he’s probably nervous and trying hard to impress you. Thus, you are the lead in this dance.
If the date isn’t going well, finish out your activities and conclude it amiably. Don’t give him the false hope that you want to see him again, but don’t criticize him either. Be gentle. You know, he tried.
If your friend makes her check-up call, don’t answer it in front of the guy. Excuse yourself to the restroom discreetly. Some men are aware of this technique and will use your reaction to the call as a gauge of your interest.
Offer to pay for the dinner. If he refuses your payment, offer to pay the tip. If he still refuses your payment, accept his gesture graciously. Some believe that the bill should be split evenly, especially on a bad date. Use your discretion, as some men may take offense at splitting the bill.
End the date with a warm hug. If you felt that extra-special sparkle, give him a kiss on the cheek. Then smile, and say “Good night.”
After the First Date
For Men
Assuming the date went well, call her the next day if you want to. Despite common knowledge, there is no minimum waiting period before you can call. There is a maximum, however. This differs from woman to woman, though it’s generally five-to-seven days. If you wait too long, you’ve lost her. Too long means you’re either too busy for her (bad), seeing other women (bad), are not so sure you’re interested (bad), or are not interested at all (obviously bad). Text messaging doesn’t count as a call.
If the date did not go well, stay positive. Dating isn’t easy. Rejections in dating are as inevitable as pimples in adolescence. Just don’t let them deter you from the delights of meeting interesting women, and possibly more.
For Women
Many men are selfishly weak when it comes to turning down a woman. Even if he assured you that he would call, it is still difficult to know for certain. If he doesn’t call for about a week, he could be too busy for you, seeing other women, am not sure he’s interested, or is sure he’s not interested at all. None of those situations are desirable.
When he calls, answer. Some women believe that answering immediately is a sign of desperation; they instead argue that his call should only be returned after one or two messages. Use your judgment here, as some men may take that practice as a sign of rejection.
If the date did not go well, stay positive. Dating isn’t easy. You may have to kiss many frogs before you find a prince. Even though not every date will end with a fairy tale, enjoy the company of all these suitors. It’s hard for many men to find this courage; at least they felt you were worth their affections and tried to impress you.
The Golden Rule
But if you really want to know the most important rule of dating, for both men and women, it’s this:
Screw all the rules and just be yourself.
There are as many exceptions as there are people with the last name Lee. Read: a heck of a lot. So take these rules as mere guidelines. If you’re lost and unsure of the next step, perhaps these can help. They are basically beacons in the dark fog of dating.
And know this: you will not find your prince or princess by following a set of rules, but you will by following your heart.
. . .
What are your rules for dating?
