"Speaking of fetishes, Kim has a fetish for butts," Matt stated plainly.

"What? I DO NOT!" Kim retorted, shooting him an evil glance.

"Tell them the story about the butt exhibit," Matt prodded. He leaned back in his chair and smirked.

"Okay, fine." Kim nudged her coffee an inch over to give her hands room to enunciate. "We went to the SF MOMA to see this new exhibit that has an artistic sculpture of the lower half of a man's body."

"Artistic sculpture…" Matt muttered. He stirred the phrase in his mouth like a new piece of candy.

Kim shot him another look and continued without missing a beat. "It was very lifelike, down to the folds of the skin and hair."

"Was it a hairy ass?" I asked. I put my elbows on the table as a million questions raced through my mind.

"Well, it had some hair…"

"Was it real ass hair?"

"Oh, that's disgusting! I don't think…"

"So it was a guy's butt?"

"I think so, since it was kind of hairy…"

"Were there any funny bumps and moles?"

"Funny bumps and moles? Why would it…"

"Was it a clean ass?"

"What do you mean a clean…"

"Did the ass recently do a number two and leave any inconspicuous debris?"

"Oh, that's just nasty…"

"Did it have a cherry hole?"

"What? What the hell is a…"

"Did you part the hills to see the valley below?"

"That's disgusting! Why would I even…"

"Did it smell lifelike as well?"

Kim pushed her coffee further away. "Okay, I've totally lost my appetite now." Matt stifled a laugh and covered his mouth.

"They should make it fart." I added thoughtfully. "Then it would be totally lifelike."

Kim glared at me. Then her stone cold stare broke and she chuckled. "Why don't you go down there and do that, Mike?"

"Hey! Performance art! I like that!" I nodded.

Matt nodded back. "You could be famous."

"Hmm," I mused with a pensive chin rub. "Before every showing, I'd down a pint of chili to give my audience the full effect."

"Oh gross!" Kim covered her face.

"But nah, I could never do that."

"Why? Because you're afraid of farting in public?" she asked.

"No, hells no. I do that all the time." I peered at the ceiling in a contemplative manner. "There, I just did it right now."

"Gross!"

"But no, that's not the reason. I just wouldn't want to contribute to your delinquency."

"My what?" Kim's eyes blazed. "My delinquency??"

"Yea. Since you have this butt fetish, I'd only be feeding your sinful addiction. I can't do that to a friend."

She rolled up a napkin and threw it at me. I laughed and scratched my ass.

. . .

Do you have a butt fetish?