Mar
11
2001

Assholes Abound

I feel a great unity with my fellow Earth residents. Because on every continent, in every country, within every city, there is an asshole.

It’s the Great Unifier. Truly.

They may speak a different language. They may eat different foods. But they are assholes just the same.

On a road trip from London, through Bath, Bristol, Stonehenge, and to Oxford, I must have encountered an average of 2.5 assholes on the streets.

These assholes took the form of drivers who would purposely jump into my lane and cut me off or blatantly ignore a stop signal and barrel towards me.

I expect this kind of behavior in San Francisco and would even be nervous if I didn’t see it in New York City (nervous because if they weren’t trying to kill me quickly, then they must be trying to corner me off and kill me slowly).

But I guess I didn’t quite expect it here, in the United Kingdom, home of people who apologize to you when YOU step on THEIR toes.

Must be a case of Mr. Walker and Mr. Wheeler (brush up on your Disney info if you don’t know that one).

It’s even worse when you’re a pedestrian. Without exaggeration, I tell you there is a war between the drivers and pedestrians in London. The millisecond the “don’t walk” signal activates, dozens of blood-thirsty cars come lunging at you. The first one to splatter a walker gets a bumper sticker.

A road trip through the countryside should have been fun. And for the most part, it was.

Unfortunately, when you have hundreds of assholes careening through the streets in calculated aggression (the first one to splatter a tourist driver gets a new set of hub caps), it sorta takes the joy out of it, you know?

So now that I’ve seen assholes on the streets of New York City, San Francisco, Boston, Los Angeles (of course), and now—London, I feel a greater empathy for my fellow brothers and sisters on this, our Spaceship Earth.

For we all suffer the plague (the Great Unifier, if you will) that is Assholiosis—the abundance of assholes.

. . .

Have you ever driven in London?

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