Are Men Intimidated By Independent & Successful Women?
Are you a well-educated, intelligent, independent, and successful woman… who is still single? You’re not alone (no pun intended).
More and more women are getting advanced degrees and pursuing their careers. And staying single. Sometimes voluntarily, sometimes involuntarily.
Wait, involuntarily? Why is that? What’s preventing them from being in a relationship?
Before we answer that, it’s important to realize that many women are staying single because they want to. They’re focused on their careers, are very ambitious, and are pursuing their dreams. Their hectic schedules don’t offer much time for the hassles and turmoil of dating.
Many do ultimately want a relationship, but are independent enough—financially & emotionally—to postpone it until the right man comes along. They hold high standards for their men, just as they hold high standards for themselves. Although these standards weed out most of the men they meet, they don’t mind; they’re willing & able to wait.
But what if you don’t want to wait anymore? Maybe you’re ready to settle down now. Maybe you’re lonely and want companionship. Maybe your biological clock is not just ticking anymore, it’s pounding. What to do, what to do…
The easy answer is: go out and find a man. Yea, sure, and while you’re at it, pick up an extra million dollars on the way home too.
Why do well-educated, intelligent, independent, and successful women find it so hard to find a man? Is it because men are intimidated by them?
To answer that, let’s look at three real-life anecdotes from women I know.
Women with MBAs
Within a local, prestigious MBA program, two girls noticed that most of their male classmates going for girls without advanced degrees. Instead of dating within their sizable pool of beautiful, sexy, and intelligent MBA classmates, the guys were dating, and even marrying, girls outside of their program. “Guys with MBAs just don’t want girls with MBAs,” one lamented. They seemed to prefer less educated women.
Women in Triathlons
After meeting a great guy, one girl was shocked to find him suddenly pulling away after a few successful dates. This was shortly after talking about her rigorous triathlon training program. He cited her busy schedule (which included work and triathlon training) as the reason to slow things down. She sensed it was more about her triathlon than her work, though he denied it. However, he would occasionally make comments about how much stronger she was than him.
Women as Doctors vs Teachers
A group of female doctors often went clubbing together. Each time, they’d try an experiment. On some nights, they’d tell guys that they were doctors. On other nights, they’d tell guys that they were teachers, librarians, and interior decorators. Guess which profession the guys gravitated towards? “It’s funny; every time we told them the truth, they’d disappear. But if we told them we were teachers or something, they’d flock around us and try to get our numbers.”
Sure sounds like men are intimidated to independent and successful women to me. We can even add physically fit to that list. What’s an independent and successful woman to do?
A Solution and a Silver Lining
Kris Frieswick of MSN Money has a solution. In her article “Too successful for a mate?” she notes that many successful women hold unrealistic expectations for a relationship. They look for a partner who is just as successful as they are, if not moreso. She suggests adjusting those expectations and seeking only those that are relevant to a happy relationship.
“I abandoned the expectation of many ‘must-have’ items in my years of dating before I met my husband.” Frieswick writes. “It’s not that I couldn’t find a man who possessed the right qualities, but it turned out they were irrelevant to a happy relationship. Was it crucial that my husband have a master’s degree? No. Would it be a deal- breaker if he didn’t love mountain biking as much as I do? No.”
Even Kathleen Gerson, a Professor of Sociology at New York University, agrees. “Women have increasingly high standards for who that partner might be, and because they have the ability to support themselves, they can afford to wait. They can apply those high standards.”
Aside from adjusting expectations, there are really many men who are not intimidated by independent and successful women. (Yup, right here on Earth!) A good buddy of mine actually seeks out highly intelligent women. The girls he dates typically have advanced degrees, are highly ambitious, and are successful in their careers.
Another good buddy won’t settle for anything less. “If I can’t have an intelligent conversation with her about things like economics or world culture,” he says, “then I can’t go out with her.”
As for me, I’m attracted to well-educated, intelligent, independent, and successful women too. I’ve dated girls who are eleven donuts short a box of dozen and those relationships never lasted too long. I can’t date a woman I don’t respect, and I have a lot of respect for intelligence, autonomy, and ambition. Plus, big brains are sexy. Mmm mmm mmm.
I realize that my friends and I are not the norm, however. But men with this mindset do exist. The majority of them are successful too. The challenge isn’t one of simply adjusting standards, in my opinion (though it’s helpful for everyone to at least have realistic standards). It’s also of trying to find one who’s compatible with you.
It’s not an impossible challenge either. As Gerson happily notes:
“The more highly educated a woman is, the more likely she is to ultimately marry. But it’s also true that she’s more likely to postpone marriage until she gains a foothold in the workplace and feels more secure about her working life until she’s a chance to figure out who she is, so she knows what kind of partner she wants.
“And ultimately, women who do postpone, especially if they’re highly educated, are more likely to find a partner who is right for them. [It is] more likely for that marriage to work, to last, and to create that balance between personal autonomy and commitment that they desire.”
We’re not straying from the point. If a women is successful with high standards, even if a guy marries her chances are about 50/50 it’s going to end in divorce.
Why bother?
Men are not afraid of successful women. They are afraid of abuse toward them by society, including women who may perceive men to be weak in some way. The nineteenth century belief Males should be strong allows aggression toward Males who appear weak in some way. Society provides love, honor, respect, support, etc. (the essentials for feelings of self-worth only on the condition of sufficient achievement, money, power, status, and image. Those Males who do not have sufficiency are not only given less love, honor, and respect, they are allowed upon them more aggression by society. This makes men very competitive for they feel they must achieve in order to have those things. Added the nineteenth century belief Males should be strong that allow much more aggression toward Males and also the denial from day one of mental, emotional, social support from day one (for fear of coddling the Male) and you have Males falling behind Females mentally, emotionally, socially, academically, and economically.
Women, due to the nineteenth century belief woman should be protected are given love, honor, and respect simply for being women. The nineteen century belief they should be protected also allows for much mental, emotional, social support, to only “appear to mature faster than Males”. By differential treatment Females are surging ahead. In addition that very overprotection by society allows women to give verbal, silent abuse, and hollow kindness or patronization with impunity. The combination of allowed aggressions upon Males who appear weak in some way, lack of support for Males, more than adequate support for Females, and the protected freedoms of various allowed verbal and nonverbal abuse by women makes a Male who appears weak in some way quite vulnerable to more abuse from successful women and more also from society.
1. im in a bar, i hit on a table of doctors. odds are i assume that they are having girls night out and are blowing me off. i’ll make a few more bids, but if they are reserved because they expect me to leave odds are i will leave.
2. if you want a relation ship you need to have time for them or they need to have time for you. some one has to give up on work for the relationships sake. not saying stop working but some one has to max out at ~40hrs or so.
3. rick and petrov have valid points. it becomes more valid when you consider them in tandem.
4. i saw a cops episode today, a woman with no visible trauma to her nose claimed a better than 6ft man punched her in the nose… she admitted to grabbing him by the gentles with the intent to cause pain. and he was showing blood from her admitted clawing of his face. guess who went to jail? given that i know a woman can attack me, harm me, and send me to jail. that 50% of marriages go bad. that the state would likely then take my children from me… why bother? given that society and most laws will leave me defenseless in a relationship, do i really want to load her gun with any perceived short-comings on my part…. you know before i got into this i was cool with successful women… now?…
5. don’t get me wrong i realize getting into something expecting it to fail guarantees it will. 2&4 is mostly venting but their is truth in there.
I met a girl once that was in a class with me. I was pursuing my B.A., while she must of had a Masters of some kind. Anyway, she would go on about what she had accomplished and everywhere she’d been. It was just so monotonous. She seemed like a very nice and likeable person, but at times she would revert to those “accomplishments” again. In my opinion, this is a “hang-up” in successful women. I mean… seriously. This type of behaviour is a turn-off in anyone, but in a women even more so.
I’m a gal and I think there are a few types of successful women. There are those who truly pursue education because they love knowledge or they need another degree for the field that they are in. These girls tend to be more down to earth about it, don’t show off their intelligence/accomplishments. And then there are those girls who pursue more education and accomplishments to make up for some other deficiencies and low self-esteem. These are the ones that LOVE to show off about it. Even I can’t stand girls like that, so I have no clue how a guy could handle that. I think the important thing for women who are successful to realize is that there is a difference between being successful and showing it off. Whether you like it or not, guys are wired to show off with their accomplishments to impress girls, and most of the time it works to their advantage. On the contrary, if a woman behaves in this manner, she is reducing her feminine appeal by acting like the pursuing male would. It’s fine to discuss your accomplishments as a woman, but save it for later and, when you do, don’t be so smug about it. And, also, don’t compete with your men in this department and don’t shortchange a guy who is also successful. He will like compliments as much as you do. So in conclusion, it’s not the substance of the successful woman, but it’s her relationship style that makes all of the difference. I will also admit that there are those men who just don’t have what it takes to measure up to and satisfy a successful woman. If you follow the above steps and he is still intimidated, then he’s not worth your time anyway!
Ok, I am a successful, heterosexual woman, but I love Sandy. LOL. Tell em’ girl! I agree with you wholeheartedly.
lol thanks, girl
Let’s spread the good word!
I think it fine for women to be successful. As anyone who can compete. But I don’t want a woman who is constantly belittling me because I don’t have what she has. I think a lot of women want too much. They want a man to have all these qualities but what is she bringing to the table? The rate divorce is sickening, is because successful woman feel like they don’t need a man? That they rape him in court. I think if women don’t need men don’t take or try and take the money. Have sense of honor and duty. Stop trying to make the world like you. The workplace should be performance based. It should be a gossip center. I don’t know how men are going survive or adjust. Weakness is not tolerated in me. For some women their is a hatred of men that poisons every interaction. Almost every woman I have met is a spoiled brat that believes they should be taken care. So when society set up so men can’t success, They expect someone out there GOVERMENT to do it for them. That’s why society is going down standards are being lowered to help people do jobs they really can’t competently do. I say to all women if you have a job do it well you are expected to do that, don’t expect any favors because you are a woman. Stop behaving like a brat because you don’t get your way grow up life has disappointments. Setbacks and yes failures you are not immune.